Looney Songbook, a looney tunes fanfic

Looney Tunes belongs to Warner Bros. and the tunes to their composers.

"Roadrunner Pie"
As sung by Wile E. Coyote
To the tune of "American Pie" by Don MacLean

A not-long time ago
I chased a roadrunner
Hungrily mile after mile
And I knew if I caught the bird
A fine supper, oh my word
Would await me and the prospect made me smile
But he'd outstrip a falcon speeding
Some assistance I'd be needing
So I wrote to Acme
Asking if they'd send me
Their latest cuckoo-slaying stuff
(Eating shoes and cans is tough)
I hoped that it would be enough
For I'd been foiled again

Oh, I, I would make roadrunner pie
Were my luck good, you know I would
Have roadrunner tonight
I always hope that my triumph is nigh
Oh, but Murphy thinks I'm special tonight
Murphy thinks I'm special tonight

Did you know Acme's product line
Includes a set of bear traps nine?
I lay them out along the road
I Acme year-round suet spread
(The only type that won't go bad
In the Arizona desert, you know)
And the Roadrunner he tore along
Calling "Beep! Beep!" Oops! Traps were set wrong
I went them to reset
Did I then slip up? You bet.
I fell in turn onto each trap
Which nailed me with a painful snap
I screamed and howled and kicked and flapped
Oh curses, foiled again.

And I was singin'
I, I would make roadrunner pie
Were my luck good, you know I would
Have roadrunner tonight
I always hope that my triumph is nigh
Oh, but Murphy thinks I'm special tonight
Murphy thinks I'm special tonight

I was sore and was far from full
I used that old unreliable
Known as the Acme cherry bomb
I set some birdseed where I deemed
The bomb would land (or so it seemed)
And I waited 'till Roadrunner came along
I struck a match, the fuse I lit
Off the ledge I then dropped it
I waited for the boom
That would mark the bird's doom
But the bomb hit power lines
And bounced back up, and I'd have tried
Again if I'd just had the time.
Kaboom! Oh, foiled again.

I was singin'
I, I would make roadrunner pie
Were my luck good, you know I would
Have roadrunner tonight
I always hope that my triumph is nigh
Oh, but Murphy thinks I'm special tonight
Murphy thinks I'm special tonight

Fuming, fuming, birdie still zooming
A new idea in my head rooming
An anvil high it would fall fast
There was an overhang of stone
Just over Beep Beep's favorite road
Anvil would make quite a dent if it was cast
When that Roadrunner I heard zoom
I was sure he would meet his doom
'Twas then I heard the clang
Anvil'd split the overhang
Then down I went to the roadbed
Roadrunner clearly wasn't dead
The anvil landed on my head
Oh, curses, foiled again

So there I was, flat on my face
I got up; back and forth I paced
Then a lightbulb shed its light
This plan I got from Krazy Kat
I got me an Acme brickbat
And waited for the bird to come in sight
As the Roadrunner zipped along
I drew back and the brick I launched
I missed; I hit the cliff
I saw a boulder tip
Over (in fact, it fell down)
It fell on me before the ground
I sound like an accordion now
Oh, curses, foiled again

I got another plan quite soon
The Roadrunner would be through
I faked a railroad crossing there
I rang a bell to stop Beep Beep
And lowered gates -- too late, it seems
For he ran past and he launched me in the air
And then the track I hit in pain
And here came a real train
But not a word was spoken
For all my bones were broken
And the cuckoo that I hunted most
That should by now have been a ghost
Was on that train (would he were toast)
Oh, curses, foiled again

I was singin'
I, I would make roadrunner pie
Were my luck good, you know I would
Have roadrunner tonight
I always hope that my triumph is nigh
Oh, but Murphy thinks I'm special tonight