Date originally written: Sat 11 May 2002

Date rewritten: Sat 4 Aug 2007

Author: Starway Man

Email: theop at kew dot hotkey dot net dot au

Disclaimer: All the characters in this story belong to Rowan Atkinson, Richard Curtis, Ben Elton, John Lloyd, and BBC Television, no infringement of copyright is intended, yadda yadda yadda. No profit will be earned as a result of this work (like that needed to be said).

Setting: This fanfic takes place during Blackadder II, in between "Beer" and "Chains".

Warnings: First attempt at Blackadder fanfiction, so that should be warning enough.

Acknowledgments: Thanks to the authors of the ultimate Blackadder script and reference book, 'Blackadder: The Whole Damn Dynasty 1485 – 1917'.

Author Notes: I was going through my computer last night, and found this old story which was deleted from the site during the infamous script purge of 2004. So I've reformatted it to conform to the required standards these days, there are however no significant text changes with regard to the original fanfic.

Summary: Blackadder is put in charge of safeguarding the crown jewels. When they go missing thanks to Baldrick's ineptitude, Edmund and Percy run around all over London to recover them before Queen Elizabeth finds out, and executes them for it.

Title: Baggage

SCENE ONE: QUEEN ELIZABETH'S CHAMBERS

Queen Elizabeth I, her advisor and chamberlain Lord Melchett and her nurse, Nursie are in the Queen's private chambers. They are awaiting the arrival of Lord Edmund Blackadder, one of the Queen's favorites, when he enters dressed in his traditional black clothes.

The Queen says, "Ah, Edmund! You're here at last."

Melchett tugs at his beard, "Where have you been, Blackadder? I sent a servant to collect you hours ago. And where is my blasted manservant, anyway?"

Blackadder shrugs it off, "Oh, him. He's in Basingstoke I expect, wandering around somewhere."

Melchett is confused, "Why?"

Blackadder acts totally cool, "Trying to get my boot out of his bottom, actually, for waking me up at four in the morning."

Nursie looks at the Queen, "You used to wake up at four in the morning my little pikelet, and all sorts of nasty things used to go plop-plop out of your bottom..."

The Queen tells her, "Mouth is flapping about, Nursie, shut it now." She looks at Blackadder and says excitedly, "Edmund, something awfully stupendous is supposed to happen soon!"

Blackadder looks around briefly, "Melchett's finally about to drop dead? We'll have a huge party."

The Queen giggles, "Edmund, don't be horrid."

Melchett says in annoyance, "The thing is, Blackadder, there's been discovered a plot to steal the crown jewels, but we can't prove who the culprit is yet-"

The Queen interrupts, "So the plan is to hide the jewels, and catch the would-be thief!"

Melchett continues, "That's why you, Blackadder, have been selected to be the one responsible for safeguarding the Queen's valuables."

Blackadder smiles, "It's a great honor, ma'am."

The Queen smiles back, then looks at Melchett, "Tell him the rest, Melchy, go on!"

Melchett smiles in true pleasure, "Blackadder, if of course for any reason you lose the jewels or try to run off with them, the Queen will immediately chop off your head."

Nursie interjects, "I knew someone whose head was chopped off, it was such a sight! It went all ker-splat into the little basket, just like whoopsies from a naughty girl's bottom..."

The Queen tells her, "Shut up, Nursie. Off you go then, Edmund."

Melchett reaches down, and picks up some red baggage. He then hands over the bag containing the crown jewels to Blackadder

Blackadder says, "How nice, I have a bag just like this one." He then leaves.

SCENE TWO: BLACKADDER'S LODGINGS IN DRURY LANE

Blackadder enters his home and storms into his main chambers, carrying the bag containing the crown jewels. His bondsman servant Baldrick is there, sweeping the floor.

Baldrick says, "G'morning, my lord."

Blackadder snarls, "What's so good about it?"

Baldrick shrugs, "Well, birds singing, children playing, the sun's out..."

Blackadder sets the bag down, "Stuff all that. Balders, we've got troubles."

Baldrick asks, "My lord?"

Blackadder paces a little, "That bastard Melchett's up to something, I just know it. I've been given this enormous responsibility, and if anything screws up my head'll be on a spike in Traitors' Cloister faster than you can say, "Whoopsie, I think I've just killed a Protestant"."

Baldrick shrugs, "Surely not, my lord?"

Blackadder turns around, "What?"

Baldrick says, "I'd have thought they'd just flush it away into the Thames, along with the turds."

Blackadder punches him in the face, and Baldrick falls down. At that moment Lord Percy Percy, a friend of Edmund's, enters the room. "Greetings, Edmund, what a wonderful morning!"

Blackadder asks in disgust, "What are you doing here, lamebrain?"

Percy doesn't lose his good mood, "Pish-tosh, my lord, we're to breakfast together today, remember?"

Blackadder looks annoyed, "Percy, right now I've no desire to break bread with a complete dickhead, just to remind myself that I'm the best."

Percy grins, "Oh tush, my lord." He sees the baggage containing the crown jewels on the floor and asks, "What's that?"

Blackadder sighs, "Given your limited mental capacity to understand, let me just show you."

He goes and gets it, and shows Percy the contents. The man reels back, "You've stolen the crown jewels?!"

Blackadder stares at him before saying, "Nice try, Percy, but forget it, you're not touching them. It's all Melchett's idea. Even one piece goes missing, my fate'll be worse than an elephant's scrotum being hacked off with one of Baldrick's fingernails."

Percy gathers up his courage, "Fear not, my lord, I shall do all I can to help you in your endeavors!"

Blackadder looks at him and then says, "Oh, God."

There's a knock at the front door. Blackadder kicks Baldrick, who gets up. "Answer the door, birdbrain, and quit lying around on the job."

Baldrick says, "I am your bond servant my lord, off I go."

He goes into the corridor, and opens the door. Lord Nathaniel and Lady Morag Whiteadder, two rich fanatical puritans are there, with crosses on all corners of their bodies.

Baldrick sees them, and calls out to Blackadder, "My lord, your uncle and aunt are here!"

Lady Whiteadder hands him the baggage she's holding, and by extraordinary coincidence it looks exactly like Edmund's bag containing the jewels. She and her husband walk into the house, followed by Baldrick. They go into Blackadder's chambers, and Baldrick rests the baggage by Edmund's.

Blackadder sees the new arrivals and says charmingly, "Uncle, Aunt! How wonderful to see you."

Lady Whiteadder informs him, "Wicked child!" She smacks him twice. "I know you hate our presence, as much as we hate yours."

Blackadder replies, "What a wonderful thing to say so early in the morning. You remember my friend Lord Percy Percy, heir to the Duchy of Northumberland?"

Percy struts over, "Well, well, if it isn't Eddy's good-looking aunt! Hello again, gorgeousness!"

Lady Whiteadder punches him in the face, "Be silent, spawn of Satan!"

Blackadder shrugs, "Actually, he's more of a cretin I don't seem to be able to shake off, but whatever floats your boat. Still, what brings you here today?"

Lady Whiteadder gestures to their bag, "We are to visit the Bishop of Bath and Wells, and make a gift to him of several dozen spikes. Nathaniel suggested we visit you, to see how far you've fallen into Beelzebub's clutches."

Blackadder looks at Lord Whiteadder, "Ah, so. Given up the vow of silence then, Uncle?"

Lady Whiteadder looks annoyed, "Certainly not!"

Percy laughs politely, "I wonder, what will the Church do with all those spikes?"

Lady Whiteadder hits him, "Giggling imbecile! No doubt you are destined to be the cesspot, into which Satan will urinate in Hell!"

Blackadder says, "Yes, honestly Percy; spikes are God's way of telling you to burn Catholics or something, aren't they Auntie?"

Lady Whiteadder hits him twice, "Do not call me Auntie!"

Blackadder remembers why he should not have said that, "Ah, quite. No mention of relatives, or other possible references to fornication."

Lady Whiteadder looks at her husband, "We have wasted enough time here already, obviously your soul is safely damned. Nathaniel, we're leaving." She exits.

Lord Whiteadder looks at the three men, "Thanks for a splendid visit. First rate, as always." He exits.

Blackadder snorts, "Baldrick, grab their bag and toss into the street, will you? Before I stab someone with a spike."

SCENE THREE: BLACKADDER'S LODGINGS, HALF AN HOUR LATER

Baldrick comes over to Blackadder and says, "My lord, you remember how you said yesterday, I could go do that special thing I have to do today?"

Blackadder looks at him, "Baldrick, if I had to remember every single meaningless breath of vile air that came out from that wretched thing you call a mouth, my brain would be only slightly less roasted than Percy's."

Baldrick says pleadingly, "Still, my lord..."

Blackadder gives in, "Oh yes, yes, be off with you then."

"Thank you." Baldrick exits.

Blackadder looks around, "Percy, you still here?"

Percy replies, "I feel it's an honor and a privilege to help you guard the crown jewels, my lord Edmund."

Blackadder tells him, "Percy, the day you could successfully guard something is the day Jane "Bury me in a Y-shaped coffin" Harrington will take up a vow of chastity, after she's been admitted into a nunnery." He goes over to the bag, and opens it. "I mean, look at this..." He pulls out a spike. "A jewel of this value is..."

He freezes in shock. "Oh dear Lord, no."

Percy looks astonished, "Edmund? How did-?"

Blackadder is furious, "Percy, if you don't want my personal slop bucket poured onto your head, shut up! That idiot Baldrick – he's given the crown jewels to my Aunt and Uncle Whiteadder, instead of their spikes. Come on, we've got to catch up with them!"

He grabs the bag, as he and Percy race out.

SCENE FOUR: MRS. MIGGINS'S PIE SHOPPE

Blackadder and Percy enter, Edmund holding the bag of spikes.

Percy says, "I still think it's very odd for a bishop to frequent a pie shoppe, of all places."

Blackadder sighs, "Percy, the man spends 18 hours a day eating babies, maiming and fornicating with anything on two, or even four legs. Even he needs to relax sometimes."

They encounter the Bishop of Bath and Wells. Blackadder is suddenly sardonic, "Hello, Bish."

The Bishop sees him and says, "Heavens above! Blackadder, you fiend – you dare come before me again?"

Blackadder can't help himself, "Absolutely. I do so love to gloat before the clergy."

The Bishop is incensed, "Your father, the late Cardinal Blackadder, must be spinning in his grave!"

Blackadder shrugs, "Wouldn't surprise me. The old goat did it often enough, with the inexpensive prostitutes we rented together. Look, I'm not here to blackmail you again, just here to pick up some misplaced property."

Percy injects, "Yes, you see, you accidentally received the-"

Blackadder turns around, and knees him in the groin. Percy wheezes, bends over and shuts up.

The Bishop says to Blackadder, "Thank you. If I'd had to listen to that God-forsaken dung-head much longer, I'd have strangled myself with my own intestines."

Blackadder replies, "Quite. Now..." He lifts up his baggage. "...we'll just exchange goods, and I'll be on my way."

The Bishop sees what Blackadder is holding, "Fagh! You mean the spikes your kinsmen the Whiteadders gave me? I've not got them anymore."

Blackadder is taken aback, "What?"

The Bishop explains, "Traded them to the head gaoler of the Queen's prison, for a dozen red-hot pokers to use against the sinners. Speaking of which, how's your bottom?"

Blackadder doesn't answer, he just charges off. Percy follows, but Mrs. Miggins stops them as they attempt to leave. She says, "Off so soon, Lord Blackadder?"

Blackadder is not in the mood to chat, "Sod off, you lazy old cow."

Mrs. Miggins starts to cry, "And 'ere I thought you liked me, we'd eventually get married!"

Blackadder tells her, "Frankly, Mrs. Miggins, my seven-foot-tall cousin Lord Jock Macadder would sooner emigrate to Albania, and lived disguised as a female goat!"

Blackadder and Percy rush out, as Mrs. Miggins cries.

SCENE FIVE: THE GUARD ROOM OF THE QUEEN'S PRISON

Blackadder and Percy rush in, Edmund still holding the bag. The head gaoler, Mr. Ploppy is there.

Mr. Ploppy recognizes Blackadder, "Why, my lord, it's you!"

Blackadder recognizes him too, "Yes, it's me you nincompoop. Still the head gaoler around here, are you?"

Mr. Ploppy looks hopeful, "Yes! You're to be our boss, the Lord High Executioner once more?"

Blackadder says sarcastically, "Mr. Ploppy, as God is my witness I would never, ever work with you and Mrs. Ploppy again. Not even if someone took my codpiece, ground it in flour and force-fed it to a herd of starving rats, while my thingy was still in it."

Mr. Ploppy smiles, "Bless you for that attitude, sir."

Mrs. Ploppy and Baldrick enter the room. Baldrick is carrying baggage just like Blackadder's. Edmund rushes over and tries to throttle him, as both bags fall to the floor. "Baldrick, I'm going to sell you to a vivisectionist!"

Baldrick smiles, "Oh, thank you my lord."

Blackadder is furious, "And when I get through with you, you won't have the brains to stand around and go "bibble", when the ignorant masses use your carcass as a privy bush upon which to defecate!"

Baldrick looks confused, "What's the problem, my lord?"

Blackadder releases him. He then gestures to Mr. and Mrs. Ploppy to leave, which they do. Blackadder subsequently says, "Never mind. Just be glad I found you with the crown jewels and not the Queen, otherwise your brains would be leaking out of your head right now. Well, granted, if your brain wasn't the size of a grain of sand, with the intellectual capacity of a challenged gnat."

Baldrick still looks confused, "The crown jewels, my lord?"

Blackadder replies, "Yes, you moronic waste of space. You gave the bag containing the jewels to my uncle and aunt this morning, instead of the spikes!"

Baldrick realizes what he's done, "Oh, darn it."

Percy tries to be upbeat about it, "Still, all's well that ends well!"

Baldrick looks worried, "Uh, not really, my lord."

Blackadder demands, "What?"

Baldrick gestures to his baggage, "Oh sir, that's not the bag from this morning. I gave that to Lord Fairfax and his daughter, Lady Caroline."

Blackadder stares at him, "This is my personal luggage, isn't it? So what's in there?"

Baldrick is ashamed to admit it, "The garments I used when I executed the Queen's prisoners, my lord."

Blackadder pokes him in the eyes, and Baldrick yelps and flinches in pain. "You utter berk. Now answer me this: why'd you give the bag to Fairfax, and that odious, insipid daughter of his?"

Baldrick replies, "The spikes. They ran out of chairs."

Blackadder is unable to believe it, "Oh, God. The path of my life is constantly beset, by the manure from Satan's corral of incontinent hellhounds."

SCENE SIX: THE FAIRFAX MANOR

Blackadder and Percy are waiting in the lobby of Fairfax Manor, alone.

Percy looks sick and says, "But Edmund, I can't do this!"

Blackadder says in annoyance, "Listen to me, peabrain. Either we get the jewels back, or my head won't be worth a farthing in the hands of a desperate gambler. Or, a Baldrick. And furthermore, if I'm going down, I'm taking you with me."

Percy is still unhappy, "But the plan is so sick and sordid!"

Blackadder grins, "Precisely. That's why you'll do it. Caroline hates me, God only knows why. But she likes you. Which only goes to prove, the fairer sex truly does lose its marbles upon the onset of puberty."

Lord Fairfax and Lady Caroline enter the room. Lord Fairfax says, "Ah, Edmund Blackadder! It's been a long time."

Blackadder nods, "Quite so. Actually, I have come at the behest of Lord Percy Percy, my oldest friend. You have something to ask Caroline, don't you Perce?"

Percy prevaricates, "I don't know..."

Blackadder stomps on his foot, and Percy screams in pain. "Ahh! I mean..." He gets down on one knee, "Caroline – I love you. Will you marry me?"

Lady Caroline is astonished, "Oh, Percy!"

Percy starts his speech, "I know I'm only a man of modest means and your family is far above mine, but my love for you is as true as the dawning of a spring sunrise. You are my day and night, my everything. Without you I am nothing, less than nothing. Will you consent to be my wife, if your father gives us his blessing?"

Blackadder nudges Lord Fairfax, "We'd best leave these two alone, eh? What say we sit on a couple of spikes, and have a drink? I know I'm thirsty."

Lord Fairfax is confused, "But I don't have any spikes, old boy."

Blackadder looks astonished, "What happened to that bag you picked up at Her Majesty's prison today?"

Lord Fairfax quickly understands, "Oh, gave that away to a sailor friend of mine. Robert Dudley. Needed them for his ship, he did."

Blackadder looks mad, then he grabs Percy and hauls him up. "Come on, you idiot, we're off to the docks right now."

Percy looks at Blackadder, "Uh..."

Lady Caroline says at once, "Percy! What's going on?"

Blackadder looks at her as he hauls Percy away, "Actually, I'm saving you from a fate worse than death – ending up married, to this blithering simpleton. No need to thank me."

Lady Caroline is angry, "Lord Blackadder, you contemptible swine!"

Blackadder says to himself, "Typical, isn't it? Lose the crown jewels, you'll get your head chopped off. Save a woman's future sanity, she insults you. It's enough to make a man believe God now has the intellect of a drugged walrus, and the social graces of a lily-livered basket case."

He exits, dragging Percy and the baggage with him.

SCENE SEVEN: THE OLD SEA DOG TAVERN, IN SOUTHAMPTON

Blackadder and Percy enter the tavern, and Percy is now carrying the bag.

Blackadder looks around in contempt and says, "God, I never thought I'd come back to this place again."

Percy appears confused, "Come again, my lord?"

Blackadder looks at him, "This, Percy, is the old stomping grounds of the late Captain Redbeard Rum."

Percy reacts in horror, "The legless sailor we were with for six months, on that horrible ship?"

Blackadder replies, "The very same. God, over two years of my life wasted, 'cause that drunken jellybrain didn't even know how to steer his own vessel! Still, I grant you, Rum did know how to dine properly."

Percy says, "But Edmund, he ended up the second course in a meal for those cannibals!"

Blackadder tells him, "I meant as the food, you gibbering fool, not as a food critic."

A woman enters. Blackadder recognizes her, "My God! Kate!"

Kate recognizes him too, "Edmund!"

Blackadder asks, "What are you doing here?"

Kate replies, "Me? What are you doing here?"

Blackadder tries to play it cool, "Looking for Captain Robert Dudley, actually."

Kate is astonished, "My fiancé? You know him?"

Blackadder looks hurt, "What?"

Kate turns away and says, "Your old friend Lord Flash left me, after I left you at the altar. And after my father died, I was all alone in the world! Till my beloved found me."

Blackadder now looks annoyed, "Yes, yes, alright, enough with the maudlin past already. Where is the big hero, anyway?"

Kate tells him, "He's set sail for Africa but a few hours ago, he'll be back in six months."

Blackadder looks at Percy, "We've got to catch a boat after him!"

Kate says, "You can't, all the ships in the harbor have left to escort him part of the way. Everyone loves him so much..."

Blackadder looks crushed and dismayed, "Oh. Bugger."

SCENE EIGHT: BLACKADDER'S LODGINGS

Blackadder is in his main chambers, packing his stuff as Percy watches.

Percy starts pleading with Edmund, "But my lord, you can't just run away like this!"

Blackadder looks unconcerned, "Really? Watch me."

Percy says, "But the shame! The disgrace!"

Blackadder replies nonchalantly, "I'd rather live with that than get my head chopped off, and end up in a place where Satan not only constantly belches fire at me, but his demons break wind in my face night and day, nonstop."

Baldrick comes in carrying Blackadder's baggage, including the bag that's been causing all the fuss. "Your bags are ready, my lord."

Blackadder tells him, "Thank you, Baldrick. You know, I'd love to torture you unmercifully for the big mess you've gotten me into, you pestilential little weed – but unfortunately, I've got to paddle a canoe all the way to France. Otherwise, at the very least I'd do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites."

Baldrick smiles, "Thank you my lord. But actually, I have a cunning plan."

Blackadder asks, "What plan, what are you babbling on about?"

Baldrick says, "A cunning plan to save the day. To save your life, and honor."

Blackadder is sceptical, "And that would happen how, exactly?"

Baldrick looks solemn, "We go to the lair of a trio of wicked witches in the North country, sell our souls for wordly power and influence, become immortal and live in decadent pleasure for all eternity."

Blackadder considers it, "I can't believe I'm saying this, Baldrick, but that actually is a cunning plan. Now, whereabouts do these witches live up north?"

Baldrick thinks about it for a while, a puzzled look on his face.

Blackadder sighs, "Oh, God. Serves me right for even listening to you. Go on, fornicate off."

There's a knock at the front door, and Baldrick goes to answer it.

Percy finally gives in to the inevitable, "Well, I'll miss you my lord."

Blackadder looks bored, "Wish I could say the same. However, Percy, never having to see your face again is not only a cause for celebration, it's enough to make me believe there is a God watching over us after all."

Overcome with emotion, Percy hugs him. Blackadder pushes him away, "Oh, will you get off!!"

Baldrick re-enters the room, "My lord..."

Blackadder interrupts, "Shut up, you bruise on the face of human genetics."

Baldrick says simply, "The Queen, Lord Melchett and Nursie are here."

Blackadder looks stunned. The other three enter his chambers and the Queen says, "Ah, Edmund! Here you are."

Blackadder replies, "Madam, a true pleasure to see you as always. But what brings you here?"

Melchett says, "Well, there's no need for your services anymore Blackadder. The thief's been caught and confessed to the whole thing, so we've come for the jewels."

Blackadder is panicking, "So soon? Can't it wait until tomorrow?"

The Queen giggles, "Oh, don't be silly Edmund. Look, there they are." She points at the baggage supposedly containing the jewels.

Nursie says, "Tiddly widdly, my little crumpet, that's a mighty fine set of peepers you've got now. You know, 'tis but a few years since all you had eyes for was my little breasty dumplings..."

The Queen interrupts, "Bung it up already, Nursie. Now Edmund, get your pet monkey to hand over the jewels, and we'll be on our way."

Blackadder gestures to Baldrick, then says hesitantly, "Ah, ma'am, there is one thing I must say. A slightish problem in obeying your glorious commands."

The Queen asks, "What's that?"

Blackadder spits out, "I, ah, I sort of misplaced the jewels."

The Queen, Nursie and Melchett all shout, "WHAT?!"

Percy looks miserable, "It's true, I'm afraid. They ended up today on a ship that's headed for Africa..." Blackadder kicks him in the shin. "OW!!!" Percy hops around on one leg, holding the injured limb.

Melchett is furious, "Blackadder, you idiot! D'you have any idea what you've done?"

The Queen is incensed, "Melchy! Take Edmund away and have someone chop off his head!"

Blackadder looks doomed. Just as all looks lost, Baldrick comes over with the baggage, but trips and sprawls to the ground. The jewels come flying out of the bag, and spread out on the floor.

Percy is thrown for a loop, "Beshrew me, it's the jewels!"

Nursie says, "Jewels? Oh, there's no doubt about it, they're all sparkly-warkly!"

The Queen tells her, "Quiet, Nursie!" She looks at Blackadder. "I thought you said the jewels were lost?" Blackadder grins nervously. "Edmund?" The Queen gets a look of sudden understanding, "Oh! It was a joke, a marvelously ripping and fabulous trick! Well done, Edmund!" She comes closer to Blackadder. "Gosh, I could just marry you for that!"

Melchett tries to regain lost ground, "Ah, now madam, even I could tell it was all just a jest. Let's not get carried away."

Blackadder looks annoyed, "Oh shut up, Melchett, you're a horrible liar." He turns to his Queen and then says, acting suave, "Madam, whatever the royal will desires, you know that I, your most humble servant, will obey."

The Queen tells him, "Super!" She looks at Melchett, who's gathered up the jewels by now. "Come along Melchy, you too Nursie. Oh Edmund, byeeee!"

The Queen, Nursie and Melchett leave the room.

Percy looks at Blackadder and Baldrick in confusion, "But I thought-?" He gets a look of sudden comprehension. "Of course! Baldrick did it again! He didn't give the jewels to Caroline and Lord Fairfax, he gave them the bag with his bloody clothes!"

Blackadder looks at Percy and Baldrick, "Well, let's see. I have one chowderhead who couldn't keep his mouth shut in front of the Queen, and one sausage brain who nearly got me killed in the first place."

He pulls out a spike from beneath his clothing. "Right, both of you, drop your pants and bend over, 'cause this is really going to hurt..."

THE BALLAD OF BLACKADDER THE MISPLACER

Although not descended from some fools

His life was a farce not worth hissing

When put in charge of all the jewels

They truly did end up almost missing

Blackadder, Blackadder

Wealth and fame he never did get

Blackadder, Blackadder

His pants he nearly wet

Blackadder, Blackadder

He could have lost his head

Blackadder, Blackadder

He should have stayed in bed

THE END

Hope you liked it! All writers love feedback, please e-mail me at: theop at kew dot hotkey dot net dot au