Pairing: NaruSasu
Summary: (Post time-skip, humor) How Naruto wondered about Sasuke's sex life, how Sasuke figured out he might have manfeelings for Naruto, and then how Sasuke kicked Naruto in the face. Again.

Because I was tired of reading overly angsty crises about Sasuke's sexual identity.

Shoot Your Mouth Off
Hades' Phoenix

Sex wasn't a foreign concept to Sasuke. It couldn't be, after having lived with Orochimaru and his less-than-subtle innuendo for almost three years, and especially for living in a world ruled by blood and death. When betrayal and distrust become the order of the day, shinobi tend to grab at the remainders of their humanity without much more than a passing thought for taboo.

"Do you even have a dick?" Naruto demanded one day, when the newly reunited Team Seven had decided to have their we-finished-a-mission-and-no-one-died-that-wasn't-supposed-to celebration at Ichiraku's. Or rather, Naruto had decided and dragged his two teammates to the ramen stall with Kakashi trailing along as a porn-bearing shadow of amusement.

Sasuke gave Naruto a long look that questioned his intelligence, his ancestry, and the blond's own manhood, all without words. A lesser man—or one with more common sense—might have shit himself, but Naruto just waved his chopsticks around haphazardly and nearly smacked the other boy in the face.

"I mean, you go all snakey-doomon us and leave, but you still have girls hanging off of you and you still don't take advantage of it. What the hell, bastard? Are you broken down there or something?"

Sitting on the other side of Naruto, Sakura was torn between outrage and laughing her ass off. Sasuke could have sworn he heard a sound suspiciously like a chuckle emanating from the erotica book next to him, and his eyes narrowed into dangerous slits as he ruminated over all the ways he'd learned to kill with just a finger. Naruto leaned close enough that his nose nearly squished Sasuke's, and Sasuke suddenly made it a matter of pride not to move away from the violation of his five-meter personal bubble. Because that would've suggested Naruto was getting under his skin, and that was not true. At all. Period.

(Typically Sasuke was able to ignore the things he disliked with the sort of contempt only a spoiled, aristocratic little asshole could manage, but naturally Naruto had to ruin even that.)

"Are you sure you're a guy?"

A boot in his face sent Naruto flying into the dusty road behind them, scattering some of the barely pubescent females that had been watching Team Seven and giggling behind their hands.

"Ow, you bastard!"

Sasuke calmly turned his back to the road and sipped his tea.

Naruto clambered back to his own stool, muttering darkly under his breath and taking a deep draught from his ramen bowl. Sakura was poorly trying to repress her own snickers, but otherwise the stall returned to its normal late-afternoon peace.

"So if it's not broken," Naruto said suddenly, and Sasuke resisted the urge to bash his own head into the counter, "then is it, like, really small or something? Are you embarrassed?"

"Inexperience is not something to be ashamed of," Kakashi commented lightly, not looking up.

"Aw, is Sasuke-chan shy?" Naruto drawled girlishly, batting his eyelashes, and through his own killing intent slowly filling the stall Sasuke realized the idiot was doing one of the best impressions of a girl that he'd ever seen.

It disturbed him.

"…Go die in a fire."

"Well, geez, with that attitude, no wonder you're not getting laid." Naruto paused for a moment, then turned to Sakura. "Ne, ne, Sakura-chan, what is it with girls and the whole brooding-angsty-asshole thing?"

She blinked, first at Naruto, then at Sasuke, who was staring at his tea and imagining the slow painful deaths of loud blond teammates. She was inordinately glad that she'd finally gotten over her unhealthy crush. "You know, I have no idea."

"I mean, most girls say they want someone sensitive with a sense of humor, right? I think Sasuke just kicks puppies. Ow!" He hunkered down defensively when Sakura raised her fist again, her eyes flashing.

The only animal Sasuke had any intention of kicking was a fox—preferably the one sitting next to him. Next to him, as in, in his personal bubble.

"If you're so frustrated, go out and just fucking buy a girl," Sasuke snapped. "Otherwise shut the fuck up."

"What makes you think I'm frustrated?" Naruto demanded hotly and the other boy's lips twisted into a sneer.

"The fact that you're obsessing over my sex life."

"Or lack thereof," Kakashi chimed in helpfully. He went ignored.

"Just wondering if you ever get that stick out of your ass," Naruto growled, something dark and mischievous flashing in his eyes, "or is it just making room for something else?"

He ducked a vicious upper-hand cut that would have crushed his windpipe just as Sakura screeched a scandalized, "Naruto!"

"Idiot!"

"Bastard!"

Kakashi's single eye lazily watched the two almost-adults wreak havoc in the street, upsetting civilians and not a few shopping bags. It appeared that Sasuke was attempting to shove his chokutō down Naruto's throat while the blond countered with a taunting and malicious Sexy no Jutsu. Like waving a red banner in front of a bull, it only seemed to piss off the brunet even more. Kakashi blinked slowly and wondered if perhaps Naruto latest accusations had a point, before deciding that any serious consideration of his own students' sex lives was a bit much even for him and he promptly dismissed the thought.

"They're never going to grow up, are they?" Sakura groaned, letting her forehead fall onto the stall counter. Kakashi smiled at her under his mask, making his eye curve in a gentle crescent. Personally he'd rather they be fined for public disturbance than chased down by hunter-nins.

"Probably not," he agreed cheerfully. "It's just part of their charm."

She thunked her forehead methodically against the counter.

...

Sex wasn't a foreign concept to Sasuke, but that didn't make it something he indulged in on a regular basis. If something didn't further his training or achieve the goal of a mission, then most likely Sasuke had never noticed its existence. Kabuto had once implicated childhood trauma during the formative years of his young, tender psyche as the root cause of his stunted libido; Sasuke's response had involved a Gokakyo no Jutsu and a laboratory full of expensive equipment.

"You're such a bastard, Sasuke."

And despite Kakashi's insinuation, he wasn't entirely inexperienced. Sex with Karin had been a mistake, of course, as it had only worsened her obsession with him instead of eliminating it. The one or two other Otonins he'd fucked had been in the name of strengthening discipline and his tolerance for pain. (Well, that and satisfying Orochimaru's creepy pedophilic voyeurism.) On the rare occasion that his adolescent hormones overpowered his strict self-control, he could take care of the problem in a quick, perfunctory manner before returning immediately to more important things, like training or breaking his emotional bonds.

"It's like something crawled up your ass and died in its own vomit or something."

Late at night when he found he couldn't brood on things like his clan's demise or murdering Itachi, he instead brooded once or twice over people's apparent inability to understand his lack of sexual interest. Surely a boy as pretty as he would be inundated with offers (and he had been, until said suitors realized that their comrades had a tendency to die horrible deaths and they backed off. It didn't need to be said that the idea had also crossed the snake-sannin's mind before Sasuke made his own opinion very clear on the matter).

The possibility that he could be gay wasn't entertained for more than a few bemused seconds, and not just because his father would throw an absolute fit in the afterlife. Since his family was dead anyway and the sight of naked men didn't do it for him any more than naked women, he'd dismissed it as a moot point.

"Were you born that way—"

"Why are you still talking?" Sasuke demanded shortly, suppressing a wince as pain shot through his left arm. The rock he was sitting on wasn't making his body feel any better either, but he refused to sprawl out on the shredded and burnt grass like his more primitive sparring partner.

Naruto gave him a dirty look from his horizontal position, too tired to do much more. "You weren't listening," he spat, as though that should explain everything. It did, but Sasuke just curled his lip in reply. "I ain't gonna take that kind of shit from Uchiha Sasuke. Son of a bitch."

Sasuke tuned him out as he prodded carefully at his arm. It had been dislocated somewhere between the kage tower and the training grounds, and without further preamble he tensed his jaw and popped it back into place with a grunt.

"Oh, gross," Naruto cried, flinging a hand over his eyes. "You could have asked, you know. There's this thing called help."

Sasuke shot him a flat look as he rotated the arm slowly, categorizing the pain and distancing himself from it easily enough. (He was good at that sort of thing.) The Kyuubi's chakra healing Naruto's wounds made the air taste fiery-metallic at the back of Sasuke's throat. Like blood, he thought, and his slight smirk was dark and a little ironic.

"So now that we've gotten the ass-kicking out of the way—which I totally won, by the way—why don't you ever do any of that stuff?"

"You didn't win." This was important to emphasize. "…Why don't I do what?"

"You know. It."

"It's called 'sex,' idiot."

"Yeah, yeah, smartass. So, why don't you?"

Sasuke raised a brow. "Why do you care so much?"

Naruto managed to shrug awkwardly, watching Sasuke fuss about on his rock. "Because a few people have wondered and it made me wonder, and if anyone's gonna know it's gotta be me, because you're my best friend. Rival. Friend. Thing." His forehead was creased in a familiar expression of confusion.

Sasuke's dark eyes stared back unblinkingly, unaware that it made him look like a serpent or a sinister villain. "I'm not something for you to own."

(Because it wasn't unusual for the blond orphan to be all possessive, but it was also one of the many things Sasuke had developed even less tolerance for after returning from Otogakure.)

"I know that, you bastard, not even I'm that stupid." 'Unlike Orochimaru' went unsaid. Sasuke's shoulders relaxed slightly.

"But it's just weird." Naruto rolled onto his stomach to prop himself up with his elbows, not noticing the leaves that stuck in his hair like an odd porcupine attached to his head. "If other guys had your looks—"

"It's boring."

Thrown, mouth working a few times, the blond finally managed, "Wait, what?"

Sasuke gave him a look that would have made greater men piss their pants. Naruto didn't notice.

"You think sex is boring?" Naruto's voice rose high on the last word, obviously torn between laughing his ass off or drawing back in masculine horror. Sasuke shrugged his unharmed shoulder, then scowled when an idle thought pointed out that the blood was going to be a bitch to get out of his clothes. "Man, and here I thought Otonins would be all about the bondage and knives and shit."

Sasuke didn't respond and started rewinding the spools of wire used in their fight. Naruto could tell that Sasuke was silently willing the conversation to end, but the brunet was more relaxed than usual, was almost talking…and damn it, Naruto was going to milk that for all he was worth. He made a mental note to remember that a good hard fight with lethal objects turned Sasuke's prickliness into an almost satiated calm.

Sasuke, on the other hand, was preoccupied with the way Naruto's stare was making his skin feel itchy. It wasn't the same 'Gee, I wonder how I can use this poor broken ninja to my advantage' kind of gaze that he was used to; it was more like 'Gee, he's a bastard but he's my buddy anyway' and that just wasn't natural. Sasuke was a tool, an avenger, the last of his prestigious clan, et cetera—everything dark and angsty and most certainly not a fucking teddy bear.

"Ne, ne, you're not into all that, are you?"

The look Sasuke shot at him could have meant anything, really. "I didn't know you spent time wondering how Orochimaru might fuck someone," he muttered, making Naruto sputter and backpedal and decide he really didn't want to know.

"Maybe you just haven't found the right person."

This time Sasuke's look was the closest it had ever come to successfully wishing violent mental death on another person. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"Oi, I didn't mean a soulmate or whatever, don't get your panties in a twist." Naruto rolled his eyes, shifting slightly so that his right elbow wasn't digging into a small rock. "That kinda shit's for the trashy novels Sakura likes to pretend she doesn't read."

The reflexive tightening of long fingers around the spools told the blond that he'd better hurry up and get to the point. "I mean, if you don't have a partner that likes what you like, then it's not much fun for anyone, is it?"

"Who died and made you a counselor? Because you suck at it, idiot."

Naruto frowned and stuck out his tongue. "Shut up, asshole. What, did you think I'd follow Ero-sannin around for three years and not learn something?"

"No, but it'd be too much to ask that you learn something useful," Sasuke commented dryly, making Naruto snort.

"Kicking your ass just now wasn't enough, bastard?"

"Figures you'd be too stupid to know it was you that should be thrown back to the Academy."

"Bastard! I'm the greatest ninja in Konoha!"

Sasuke listened to Naruto ranting and idly wondered why he hadn't gotten up and left yet. He felt less tightly wound than usual thanks to sparring with someone that, he hated to admit, was essentially his equal and constantly pushed his limits. Odd, considering that Orochimaru had been a sannin and yet Sasuke had always left the man's training feeling more confused and angry than ever. Maybe because Naruto wouldn't know deception if it died screaming in his face.

…Huh.

Sasuke tilted his head at Naruto, ignoring the yelling that had graduated into full-blown raving. The blond was physically average, somewhat attractive in that dorky charismatic way of his that had turned Gaara into a veritable ball of mushiness whenever he came to visit. The fact that Sasuke had come back to Konoha after killing both Orochimaru and Itachi was testament to the honest, stubborn loyalty that shone past the jinchuriki's idiocy.

Meanwhile, Naruto was getting weirded out with the Sasuke was silently looking through him. Of course the brunet never said much anyway, but even less so nowadays, and as a kid he'd never quite been able to achieve that perfect blank expression he was currently wearing. The old-fashioned black yukata with the clan uchiwa embroidered on the back made him look like an overgrown bat, and the overall effect was pretty damn creepy.

Naruto fidgeted for a few minutes under the serpentine stare before he finally cracked.

"Oi, quit it, bastard!"

Sasuke blinked slowly as he came out of his thoughtful trance. "…What now, idiot?"

Naruto pushed himself back onto his heels and scowled ferociously. "You're acting like you're not sure if you should eat the flesh off my bones with soy sauce or hot mustard."

Sasuke blinked again, wondering if he'd completely missed something.

"I mean, geez, it's not like I'm suggesting you go out and get fucked by some dominatrix with big tits—"

Sasuke's glare darkened.

"—but maybe if you could stop being such a frigid bitch and get laid, you wouldn't be half so anal all the time." A momentary awkward pause. "Uh, no pun intended, if that's what you like."

Sasuke could see Naruto subtly tensing his body, obviously prepared for a full frontal assault for being so…well, Naruto-ishly blunt on the matter. So he sadistically did nothing, amusing himself by watching the blond work himself into a sweat.

"Are you offering?" Sasuke said smoothly after a few minutes, his voice indifferent. It was funny to see Naruto at a loss for words (twice in the same day, a new record) but part of him was curious to see how the other boy would react.

"What—I—No! And stop looking at me like that, bastard!"

Naruto was now standing, hands fisted at his side and blue eyes flashing with anger and something else that took a Sasuke a moment to figure out. It was hurt, as though they were genin again and he'd found a new way to make Naruto feel worthless.

…Huh, again. That was rather unexpected. The only things Naruto didn't turn into a joke were the things that actually mattered to him; and now that Sasuke had made that rather belated discovery, it created a whole new set of implications he'd probably end up losing sleep over. As if he didn't sleep little enough as it was.

With that inhuman speed of his Sasuke was suddenly in front of Naruto, mere centimeters away. Before the blond could yelp in surprise and pinwheel backwards, Sasuke held the back of the other's head and pressed their lips together.

Wide blue eyes stared into dark ones.

It wasn't much of a kiss, considering one participant was a bipolar traitor that hadn't been hugged since he was eight and the other was too shocked to be much of a participant at all. Naruto's lips were soft and dry, a little salty from sweat and their ramen lunch; not unpleasant, but not particularly mind-blowing either. Sasuke pulled back without releasing the hold he had on bright yellow hair, brow furrowed in thought. Naruto couldn't do much more than blink.

"…Hn." He absently picked the dry leaves from Naruto's hair, previously dislocated left arm hanging carefully still at his side, and turned things over in his head. Sasuke decided he still wasn't impressed and told Naruto so.

"I—well, shit, Sasuke…" The other boy sputtered before freezing. "Wait, did you just say I'm boring?"

"Yes," Sasuke said bluntly, flicking away a leaf between his fingers and turning to go back to the village. Apparently intimacy and sexuality in general was just as uninteresting as he'd believed, especially if not even Naruto could make it better. Besides, if he didn't treat the bloodstains in his yukata soon then they'd become permanent. "Idiot."

Before Sasuke could take more than a few steps, the brunet was tackled and pinned to the ground too quickly to fight back. The strength of Naruto's hand around his left arm sent pain shooting through his shoulder, but he kept his face impassive as he found himself straddled and faced with an angry jinchuriki.

"It's only boring," Naruto snarled, "when you're doing it wrong."

Sasuke frowned and started to argue, but was cut off by Naruto's mouth. Teeth bit roughly at his lips and a tongue lapped at his own while Naruto's weight and chakra held him firmly to the ground. Sasuke instinctively fought back. The pain in his shoulder and the angry forcefulness of the other boy made it feel not unlike another fight, albeit one with slightly different terms, and the unconscious activation of his Sharingan made the sensations more…intense. Or something. He'd never been good with words anyway.

Finally Naruto sat back on the ground at Sasuke's side and smirked foxily. "Ne, bastard…still boring?"

Sasuke forced his breathing and heartbeat to a more regular rhythm as he stared unseeingly up at the sky. He was very surprised to find that his body was reacting in ways his mind hadn't quite caught up with yet. Sex might not have been a foreign concept to Sasuke, but trust Naruto to twist everything Sasuke thought he knew into something entirely different. Not that he'd admit it except under the most extreme of tortures, of course, but the thought made him huff wryly.

Naruto waggled his brows suggestively. "So, does this mean I get to take the place of that stick shoved up your ass or what?"

And for the second time that day, a swift boot to the face sent him sprawling into the dirt.

"…You need more practice, idiot."

When Naruto started flailing about indignantly, Sasuke didn't bother to hide his amusement nor point out the fact that he hadn't said 'no'. That would take all the fun out of it.