How to Write a Bad Sailor Moon Story
By: Demon Pyromaniac
Author's note: Obviously, I do not own Sailor Moon or any related franchises. This story is a parody of the bad Sailor Moon fanfiction out there because every fandom has its share of bad fanfiction. Some of the formats for this story are based on both "How To Write A Typical Zutara Fic" by Kitty-chan33 and "How To Make A Really Bad Dragon Ball Z Fanfic" by Ryomi. Check out their work; it's really great!
Since you don't have a penname yet, you must think up one. Make sure it's hard to remember and really long. Also, incorporate names from various Sailor Moon characters into it and be sure to do a shameful mixing of the character's real names and their English dub names:
!!SuperX-SailorZ-Hyperactive98-Usagi-Ray34-Mina-Amy-Mako7-chan
Write a really obnoxious disclaimer.
Hello everyone! This is my disclaimer about how I don't own Sailor Moon. It belongs to Takeuchi Naoko-sama and Dic-sama, Manga-sama and TV-sama! OMFG onegi don't sue me! I really think you will sue me if I don't put this disclaimer up, even though I make no profit from this story and am kind of poor. I'm sure you will still get an expensive lawyer to sue me 'cause my story is way more awesome than the original Sailor Moon!!! Also, I posted this at around 2:00 am, so there may be some mistakes! But it's not my fault because I don't have a beta yet and no one ever proofreads their own work before posting it or uses spell check.
Make sure your plot horribly combines the original Japanese anime and the North American dub. Use a clichéd plotline. Don't forget to overuse swear words. Also, don't forget to frequently switch between the character's real names and their dub names and switch between "scouts" and "senshi." Overuse the word "like."
Serena was, like, betrayed by the damn scouts because they wanted to steal her silver crystal because they were annoying bastards. But they could never be as cool as Serena and they were probably just jealous because they were, like, ugly and she was pretty and had Mamoru. He's Tuxedo Mask/Kamen. He was way hot. In fact, Darien's, like, the hottest anime character ever! Usagi also had more powers than Amy, Rei, Mina, and Makoto combined. They were all basically useless sidekicks, even though they, like, saved her ass a lot. This one time, when all the scouts were at band camp for no apparent reason, Ami, Ray, Minako, and Lita all transformed into their senshi forms and snuck up on Usagi. They, like, used all of their scout powers on her to knock her out.
Chatspeak and bad grammar time! Don't do the paragraphs properly either. If you can't remember the character's attacks, just make it up. That's what they did for the English dub. Everyone will become out of character.
/OMFG, Usagi, you are such a fucking bitch said Rei. PYROMANIAC ARSONIST FIRE POWER/ SUPER LIGHTENING SUPREME THUNDERNESS yelled Makoto. / WTF yelled Usagi. Whats wrong with u guys??? Usagi ties to transform but then Ami and Minako used there powers on her. / "MERCURY WATERBENDING STORM" /"VENUS SUPER SEXY S&M WHIP!" Usagi passed out /Then Ami says OMFG yeah lets steel this bitches crystal LOL!!!!!/ Mako was all like, Yeah and we can own the crystal instead of that bitch, LOL. Then, they like, take the crystal and leave.
Insert an author's note in the middle of the story that serves no other purpose than to annoy the reader.
(AN: Is it a cliffhanger yet? No, LOL, just messing with you. What do ya think will happen next? Tehehe)
Continue with the bad plot. Throw in random Japanese words to try to make yourself sound smart.
Yes, even though she was knocked out and utterly defenseless, the other senshi decided not to kill Usagi. Why? Because this story is supposed to make absolutely no sense, that's why. And, um, Tuxedo Kamen came to band camp and saved her.
Usagi woke up in a bed in a hotel room next to Mamoru. He was asleep, but she woke him up.
Usagi said, "Ohiyo, holy shit, they took the silver crystal, those baka bitches!"
Then he added, "Konichiwa to you! Let's get it back. I'll throw my rose at them to distract them because I don't have very good powers. Then you can get the ginzuishou and totally blow them up! Those bakas will pay!"
"Hai, that will be cool!"
There's so much sexual tension…
"Mamoru, I can't possibly go another minute without having sex with you. I don't even care about the silver crystal. If you don't have sex with me right now, I'll call a bunch of hookers and start smoking pot!"
"Usagi I was just thinking that if you didn't have sex with me right now, I'd call a bunch of hookers and start smoking pot! And I don't care about the silver crystal either."
They both laughed.
Now for the sex scene with a really creepy author comment:
They had really hot sex all night long. It was way hot. In fact, it was so hot and lemony that people in the hallway were clapping. In the late morning they woke up. (AN: Trust me I was in the room watching, tehehe. I really wanted to join in too, but I respect people's privacy.)
Americanize the story.
"Hey, Mamoru do you want to go to Applebee's or the In-N-Out Burger for lunch?" Usagi asked.
"Totally want to go to Applebee's, homie, because the In-N-Out Burger has a really long line. I know that because there's only one in Tucson, Arizona, where we live," he replied.
"The hot, summer sun will surely damage your bling-bling if we wait outside of the only In-N-Out Burger in Tucson, Arizona, where we live."
"I don't want my bling bling to be damaged, so Applebee's it is, homeslice. But I want to watch this episode of Heroes, which is followed by an episode of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? on a different channel."
"Maybe we can go to the Abercrombie & Fitch and Target after we eat to buy some clothes. We never do enough shopping together. On our way there, we can listen to My Chemical Romance. What do you think, my homie G dog?
"That sounds like a good idea, Usagi."
So they watched TV until noon and then went to Applebee's for lunch.
Use more needless character bashing. Add in a deus ex machina or two while you're at it. Your final plot twist should make no sense.
When Usagi and Mamoru got to the Applebee's, they saw the other senshi! They were eating food, obviously. They were trying to figure out how to use the silver crystal. But they were all dumb fuckers, so they couldn't figure out how it worked. Ami couldn't figure it out because Usagi was really the smart one and she let Ami take credit for it because she was nice. Also, all the senshi but Usagi had bad skin and ugly hair. They could never get anyone to love them, including a three-headed monkey because they sucked. The outer senshi were never in this story because they also sucked and were way uglier.
"Give me back the crystal, you dumb mother fuckers!" said Usagi.
"Hey, I thought we didn't care about the damn crystal and that all we cared about was sex," said Darien.
"Um, forget we said that. This story must have a happy ending where I win, remember?"
"Oh yeah. Sorry, I forgot," he said.
"You can't take the crystal because you can't transform, dumbass," said Rei.
"You have no powers right now," said Ami.
Mamoru threw a rose at the center of the table. He had perfect aim, but the rose did nothing.
At the same time, Mako and Minako both said, "Yeah, and cape boy doesn't really have any powers because this story is based off of the anime!"
They all laughed at Mamoru and Usagi.
Usagi was hella-pissed off at them. She lifted her arms up and said, "I'll get that crystal back by using a transforming power I've never had before, but now suddenly have because there's no other way for me to win, despite the fact that the author has claimed that you're all dumbasses anyway and probably shouldn't have been smart enough to steal the crystal in the first place!" She started spinning around really fast; it was so fast that everyone got dizzy watching her. Then she transformed into… Sylar!
Everyone was really shocked.
"Who the fuck is that supposed to be?" asked Mako.
"Holy crap, it's Sylar from Heroes!" yelled Rei. "This is really bad!"
"Why is that bad?" asked Ami.
"Because he steals and possibly eats the brains of people with special powers. And we have special powers! Transform! Run away!" yelled Minako.
They tried to transform, but it was too late. Unlike every anime villain who waits for the senshi to finish transforming before attacking, Sylar/Usagi used his hard-core Telekinetic Powers of DoomTM to kill them while they were still transforming. Then Sylar/Usagi collected their brains to eat them, because Sylar eats brains. There was blood everywhere. Sylar/Usagi grabbed a cooler from the kitchen to store the brains for later use.
End the story using a songfic. Make sure the song of your choice is totally irrelevant to what's happening.
Despite the fact that Sylar had never gained the power of time/space manipulation, he somehow managed to teleport himself and Mamoru to a dark creepy castle that had just been conveniently built a couple of days ago. Sylar warped back into Usagi.
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows/Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together/Brighter than a lucky penny,
"Wow, transforming into a power-hungry serial killer from an alternate reality sure is hard. And it makes me really hungry for brains!" she had a deranged look in her eyes.
When you're near the rain cloud disappears, dear/And I feel so fine just to know that you are mine.
Mamoru was really scared and was worried that he might be killed. "You're not going to eat my brain, are you?"
My life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows/That's how this refrain goes, so come on, join in everybody!
"Oh, of course not, honey," she said with a creepy smile. "I have plenty of brains that I can sink my teeth into right here." She began laughing manically. "Plus this story is based on the anime, not the manga, so you don't-"
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows/Everything that's wonderful is sure to come your way /When you're in love to stay.
"Yeah, yeah I know, my powers suck, okay! Will everyone just shut up about it already?"
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows/Everything that's wonderful is what I feel when we're together/Brighter than a lucky penny,
"Don't feel bad. I'll let you have two of the brains so that you can finally have powers too. Then together, we shall cause a nuclear explosion in New York City and I will become president!"
Mamoru looked confused.
When you're near the rain cloud disappears, dear/And I feel so fine just to know that you are mine.
"Opps, sorry, wrong reality. I mean, we shall create Crystal Tokyo and demand a monthly sacrifice of brains!
My life is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows/That's how this refrain goes, so come on, join in everybody!
They both went into the kitchen to get plates and forks for the brains. Then they sat at the table after they removed the cobwebs from it. Watching the bats fly overhead, they consumed the brains of their former friends.
Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows/Everything that's wonderful is sure to come your way /'Cause you're in love, you're in love/And love is here to stay!
Then they lived happily ever after and ate a lot of brains and became excessively powerful, because all the characters I like always become Mary Sues since they're so great.
Write another author's note. It should not be modest or polite at all and must make unrealistic demands from the readers.
Thank you for reading the most awesome Sailor Moon story every written by anyone ever. It is even way more awesome than the original manga and anime, which is why the creators might want to sue me. They're just jealous. Also, I will not write the next chapter unless I receive a bunch of reviews and everyone who read this must also go buy me pot and hookers before I post the next chapter. It must be high quality pot too. And it better not be laced with any other drugs, or else. –shakes fist angrily- As for my flamers, YOU WILL ALL BURN IN HELL, YOU GOD-DAMN MOTHER FUCKERS!
Love,
!SuperX-SailorZ-Hyperactive98-Usagi-Ray, um whatever the hell my stupid penname is.
Author's note (from the real author): Wow, I thought potheads were supposed to be mellow; all the ones I know are. The fictitious author I created must be smoking pot laced with PCP.
Obviously, I also do not own Heroes. For people who have not seen this show, Sylar is the main antagonist. He becomes obsessed with being special and powerful, so he steals the brains of other evolved humans by slicing open their skulls with telekinesis (which is a power he stole) so he can absorb their powers. The creators of the show never specifically say what he does with the brains yet, but a popular speculation is that he eats them. We'll get to find out what he does with the brains in season two. As for why I had Usagi transform into him, it's because it was the most bizarre deus ex machina I could think of. I actually do live in Tucson, Arizona.
The song "Sunshine, Lollipops, and Rainbows," belongs to Lesley Gore.