Before You Read: The following format belongs to Theresa Green's LOTR fic. It's not mine…Death Note isn't mine…I own nothing but my precious manga. –Hugs manga-

MELLO: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual
The Care and Keeping of the King of Tight-ass Pants

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a newly released MELLO unit. This guide has been created to make sure you receive the full benefits from your gender-confused genius. Each section of this guide had been created for your convenience and ease, with FAQ and Troubleshooting (questions submitted by owners) located at the bottom. It is suggested you read the following information completely and thoroughly.

Technical Specifications:

Name: Michael Keehl; throughout this guide the unit is referred to as MELLO.

Birth date: December 13, 1989 (differs from Date of Manufacture)

Lifespan (when first activated): 502209

Height: 171cm (roughly 5'6)

Weight: 52kg (about 114 lbs)

Length: Classified Information (Call in and ask for "Matt's dirty little secrets")

Date of Manufacture: Yesterday

Place of Manufacture: Hot Topic Division, Death Note Corp.

Note: Your MELLO unit, like all other Death Note Corp. units, will grow to maturity once activated, or until the invisible numbers above its head run out. To program an age limit, please contact one of our certified retailers. If you wish to be a lifesaver and prevent your MELLO unit's tragic death, purchase any Shinigami unit from Super Scary Shinigami Inc. and make an eye trade. (Warning: Shinigami eyes cost half your lifespan)

Your MELLO Unit Comes with the Following Accessories:

Sleeveless leather vest (with optional zipper)

Tight-ass leather pants, with your choice of zipper or tie-up rope

Pocket mirror

Chains (x12)

Inflatable Motorcycle

Box of assorted Czechoslovakian chocolates (x50)

Blonde and Beautiful hair dye

Hot Topic gift certificate

Handgun

Before opening the box to your MELLO unit, please be sure that you have plenty of chocolate bars to placate it with once activated. It is best to save the Czechoslovakian chocolates for a day when MELLO is PMS'ing (see Modes). Also, be ready to answer several questions and exclamations truthfully; or you will have a gun pointed to your head.

Programming:

Your MELLO unit comes with a vast number of functions. Below are the jobs it is compatible with:

Mafia: Mello's current 'occupation.'

Bodyguard/Hitman: Your MELLO unit, as leader of the Mafia, is a natural genius in the area of violence and protection. If the situation requires usage of guns and kickass ninja moves, you can count on your MELLO unit to assist you in any way required. MELLO units are generally light on their feet, quick with analyzing situations, and amazingly strong.

(Man) Prostitute: Got fired for slacking off? Low on money? Your MELLO unit can fix that easily with the high-paying job of prostitution. Not only do MELLO units look like boys and girls, thus able to be all kinds of desperate lowlifes, but they also know the secrets of the trade. Just see for yourself.

Sticker Album: Your MELLO unit's tight-ass leather pants have the perfect non-slip surface to place, keep, and show off your favorite stickers. Try a few Hello Kitty or Spongebob Squarepants to liven up the (its) dull collection!

Your MELLO Unit Comes in the Following Modes:

Badass (Default)

Kickass/Kinda Distorted

Sugar Rushed

PMS (locked)

Too Smart for His Own Good (Locked)

Out of Character-OOC/Slash (Locked)

Although it is hard to tell a MELLO's default, Badass mode from its similarly named Kickass Mode, there are some distinctions between the two.

When in a physically violent situation, using its gun, or on its motorcycle, MELLO units automatically switch to Kickass Mode. MELLO will not hesitate to destroy whatever is in its way, making itself appear invincible. Its only enemy is NEAR (see Relations), who activates the second half of the mode, Kinda Distorted, in which MELLO's face scrunches up into a little ball. Chocolate is required to rescue the unit from perpetual distortion.

MELLO units need chocolate; they live for the brown substance. In other words, chocolate is their crack, which can be used for manipulative purposes. However, due to MELLO units' digestive systems not being as strong as L's (see L: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual for further information), too much chocolate is a no-no. It is suggested you monitor your MELLO's daily chocolate consumption, or it will enter its Sugar Rushed Mode. Deactivation of this mode in order to return MELLO to its normal self requires forcefully feeding the unit candy.

We at Death Note Corp. are sure that MELLO's PMS Mode is self-explanatory.

Too Smart for His Own Good Mode, similar to L and Raito units', ultimately leads to MELLO's 'death.' In order to prevent this, it is recommended you keep this mode safely locked by having your MELLO unit stay as far away from a KIYOMI TAKADA unit as possible. Otherwise, a complete refurbishing of the unit will be required.

Another locked mode of MELLO's is its Out of Character (OOC)/Slash Mode. This can be unlocked very easily, either by a MATT, a NEAR, and/or maybe even a YAGAMI RAITO unit. In OOC/Slash Mode, MELLO units will realize that their partners are sexually behind, and are likely to dedicate their lives to get them 'ahead.' For ultimate eye candy, get all five geniuses (including L) together for a wild, slash-filled party in your bed.

Relations With Other Units:

NEAR: Since birth, NEAR units have reigned superior over MELLO units. MELLO left Wammy's House for this reason, ultimately leading to his Mafia days. The two are rivals, and give each other valuable clues about the KIRA case. Fostering of a more intimate 'friendship' is possible after activation of their, or just MELLO's, OOC/Slash Mode.

MATT: Said to be third place after NEAR and MELLO, MATT units share a close friendship with MELLO units, similar to that of two best friends. MATT is one of the few people your MELLO unit trusts, which may lead to many 'fluffy' friendship moments between the two. Try not to ruin it with an 'Awwwwww.'

YAGAMI RAITO: Also known as KIRA, NEAR, MATT, and MELLO units are on a mission to capture this smexy murderer in order to avenge the great detective L's death. RAITO units repeatedly attempt to kill MELLO units, but always to no avail.

KIYOMI TAKADA: This bitch murdered your MELLO! Kill her before she kills MELLO.

AMANE MISA: MELLO's identical twin separated at birth (forget the age).

Cleaning:

Your MELLO unit is fully capable of cleaning and grooming itself. With its super-shiny hair as a prime example, MELLO units should not be assisted in these matters if you value your life.

Warning: MELLO units and its manufactures are not responsible for any marital disputes caused by attempting to bathe a MELLO unit.

Feeding and Rest:

Your MELLO unit is quite self-sufficient and does not require scheduled feedings. MELLO units often eat obtained chocolate bars on their own, the amount no where near enough to trigger their Sugar Rushed Mode. Daily rest is required, unless activation of the Out of Character Mode is desired.

Disposal:

Unfortunately, you may grow tired of your MELLO's distorted features and tight clothing, causing you to wish to dispose it. MELLO units hate being let go, and will probably point a gun to your face if the word 'disposal' is mentioned aloud. For this reason, the only way of disposal is by purchasing the high maintenance KIYOMI TAKADA unit.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):

Question: I checked my fridge and all my chocolate bars are gone! They were so expensive! Also, I've been hearing weird biting noises downstairs at night!! Should I ask my MELLO unit to get rid of the chocolate burglars? He's been going to the bathroom a lot at night too... –iWing

Answer: No, there is no need for that. It is probably your MELLO unit that's been "having trips to the bathroom" at night. Hide all chocolate bars somewhere before dinner time, but be sure not to let your PMS'ing MELLO unit know or a gun will be pointed directly towards you.

Q: My MELLO unit smells like cigarette smoke and it's completely vile and stinking up the house. How can I remedy this? –Saulie

A: While there isn't an absolute solution for the smoke, it is possible to prevent further smells by substituting chocolate for cigarettes. The task may sound simple, but have a MATT unit assist you in searching for hidden cigarettes just in case. MATT will gladly stash all of MELLO's lung-cancer devices into his pants for his own use.

Q: Do MELLO units normally sing karaoke? Or was Out of Character Mode activated?

A: It's Out of Character. Definitely.

Q: My MELLO unit won't come out of his room. SERIOUSLY! What's happened? Does it have something to do with my RATIO unit? –Hao is Hot

A: Your MELLO unit has either entered its PMS Mode and is utterly ashamed of its disobedient body, or MELLO has recently had an encounter with a RAITO unit. Check to see if the unit has a scar as proof.

Q: I tried covering myself in chocolate and asked my MELLO unit to lick me but he just pointed a gun at me. What's up?

A: Like L units, MELLO units are not stupid. Again, yours probably doesn't like you much to begin with. Try covering a naked MATT unit—you'd rather not see NEAR naked—with chocolate syrup and let the magical guy-love unfold. It'll be more fun to watch. Note: Sugar Rushed Mode can be unlocked this way.

Q: I accidentally used my Mello's stash of chocolate, instead of my stash—though he claims both—to bake a batch of cupcakes, which I sold to a charity fund. He's already kicked me, thrown me out my second floor window, bound and gagged and forced me to watch Jay Jay the Jet Plane, Dragon Tales and other disturbingly terrifying horror fests reruns on PBS and am currently being held at gunpoint as I type this. Is this The Point of No Return? –Neko-Kikiru

A: Probably.

Q: Why tight pants? It scares the children! –Passe on an Angel

A: Why not tight pants? Imagine a MELLO with loose, L-like pants. That would scare everyone.

Q: My Mello unit has become grouchy and has started having frequent spasms. -Determined

A: He's in chocolate withdrawal. 23 chocolate bars or six boxes of Czechoslovakian chocolates should have him back to his old, leather pants-wearing self.

Troubleshooting:

Problem: After an initial meeting with a TAKADA unit, my MELLO became inactive. –Passe on an Angel

Solution: A complete refurbishing of the MELLO unit is needed (see Too Smart for His Own Good Mode for more information).

Problem: MELLO's pants are too tight to remove.

Solution: Try soap.

Problem: I asked for a blonde hottie; and instead I got a leather-clad, tight-assed, chocolate-whore, with a huge scar on his/her face. What the hell!

Solution: Next time, be more specific that you wanted an AMANE MISA unit. You have instead received a MELLO unit, who is proven to be far more fun and exciting than a MISA unit (unless you're a guy).

Final Note:

With proper, loving care, your MELLO unit will grow to be a fantastic Mafia leader who can really show off his leathered tush on the catwalk (among other parts). In the end, your MELLO unit will develop an even deeper taste for lots of hots, and wilder, yaoi sex. Since MELLO is very versatile, it may end up with YAGAMI, RIVER, LAWLIET, and/or JEEVAS (MATT's last name) babies. Its warrantee is good until death (yours or its), and may be voided after creation of more than a dozen little ones.

Thank you for purchasing this product.

Have a nice day : )

A/N: I know I said I'd be posting both Near and Mello's character guides on the same day, but stuff happened. Near's will be next though. This all worked out, somehow, as they've been submitted in chronological (age) order. I might write one for Matt (but that would mess up the perfect order!)

Thanks to those of you who reviewed Raito's and L's. L's is overflowing with popularity!

Review again!

-Taxi