V:Forgiveness

o

Daley had been sitting on the beach, staring resolutely at the sea for a long time. Nathan knew that, because he had been watching her from the corners of his vision, checking her whereabouts on a regular basis while he worked in the camp. He and Jackson were fastening up some of the structures of their shelter, making sure they would hold against any approaching storm. However, Nathan's mind was far of from what his hands were trying to do; this became obvious, when he dropped the wooden beam he was supposed to be holding up.

"Shit! Watch what you are doing!"

"Sorry, I'm sorry - are you hurt?" Nathan quickly tried to appease Jackson, who had gotten out beneath the falling beam just in time.

"Yeah I'm fine. Just go talk to her."

"What?"

"It's obvious where your mind is - that was the third time you dropped something on me."

Nathan felt chastened. "Well, she doesn't want to talk to me."

"And that's stopped you before?" Jackson was grinning and Nathan decided that ever since Jackson and Mel had reached an understanding, the guy had been insufferably cheerful. Jackson was right though; the talk with Daley was long over due.

When he walked up to her, she didn't turn or acknowledge his presence in any way, although she had to hear him coming. He sat beside her, not knowing how to start. There were so many things he wanted to say to her - mainly that her pain was hurting him too and he just wanted to make it all better. Nathan felt horribly insufficient for the task.

"I'm sorry." Daley's words took him by surprise.

"What for?"

"For being such a bitch all the time now."

It was true that for the past few days Daley had been difficult, to put it mildly, and that she had rejected all Nathan's attempts to help her with stinging words, but he had always known she hadn't done it because she wanted to be mean to him, but because she was simply hurting too much to act in any other way. When wounded, Daley had always lashed out.

"Apology accepted." He hesitated for a moment and then added, "I know you don't do it on purpose, but it has to stop." Daley stiffened, but didn't say anything.

"You are trying to drive everyone away from you, because you think it will be easier that way or because you think you don't deserve the comfort - and you only end up hurting yourself and others." Nathan felt all the words he had wanted to say for so long pouring out of his mouth, filling the air; it was at the same time a relief and a terror. "I…I wish you could talk to me, or if not me then somebody else, because Daley - you need to talk to someone. Someone other than Lex, someone you don't have to act so strong for. You can't keep on clamming up and then exploding on our faces, when we want to know if you're alright."

There were silent tears on her cheeks and Nathan floundered for a moment, hardening his heart against the sudden desire to spare her from having to hear all that he had to say. "I'm only saying this because I want to help you. It is…it's hard to see you hurting and not being allowed to help. So…just listen to me now - I know you're scared that you're going to lose Lex and you're angry at yourself for all that happened, but you don't need to be. It was not your fault. You saved Lex - and he is already doing much better than he was, and he will be fine. He's going to recover from all this and so are you. You know why?"

Daley was shaking her head, still staring stonily at the sea. Nathan took a deep breath. "Because he has his sister with him, and he loves you. You're going to be fine. And when you are ready, you can come talk to me or someone else and we'll listen. I promise."

He stood up slowly and waited for a moment. Daley didn't say a word, but he hadn't really expected that she would. She had a lot of thinking to do. He just had to believe that she would come to him, when she was ready.

Nathan went back to work on the shelter.

o

It was damn ironic that Jin was buried in the exact same spot where Eric had hid the money; under that dead crooked tree. So ironic that Eric would have laughed, if he hadn't been choking back his tears.

The long shadow of the tree fell on the mound of dirt and rocks. The clearing was quiet and forgotten, hidden inside the sweltering jungle. Only seven people in the whole world knew where the man called Jin had been buried. What a shitty grave in a shitty place.

A few weeks ago, Eric had thought that the place had been perfect - perfect to hide the money from the others. He had come there all the time then and had sat beneath that tree, thinking what he would do with all that money, how once he was back at home… Deluded dreams that were never going to be real.

He couldn't help thinking that if he had never found the money, or had never took it for himself, then maybe things would have gone differently. Maybe the men wouldn't have needed to take them as hostages, threaten to shoot Lex - maybe Jin would have left the island with the other men, alive.

But there was no use in crying over spilled milk - or whatever those useless platitudes said. And he was still waiting for time to heal everything, to quieten the stark, sharp thoughts swirling in his brain allowing him no rest. Eric hadn't known what would happen, when he took the money - couldn't have foreseen the events that unrolled nightmarishly once the criminals had arrived on the island. It's not my fault, damn it!

Still, the others looked at him differently than before, spoke to him in half-hearted tones. Eric wanted to be as far away as possible from their accusing stares and uncomfortable silences. At least Daley spoke (or shouted) what was on her mind. The others acted like they didn't care about Eric's involvement in the actions that had shaken them all to the core and endangered all their lives.

The leaves rustled loudly behind him and he spun around quickly, heart hammering in his chest. The thick bushes parted and Lex stumbled out of the forest, carrying some kind of wooden structure in his hands. The boy stopped in the middle of the clearing, looking hesitantly at Eric.

"What are you doing here? Does Daley know where you are?" Eric could only imagine the whole camp's panic if they couldn't find Lex; he could already hear Daley's frantic shouts and hysteric accusations. She is going to blame me for this.

Lex shrugged his shoulders and bit his lip, but didn't say anything. The boy's brown eyes were staring intently at Eric, and it made him uncomfortable. Lex was looking too hard, seeing things Eric didn't want him - or anybody else for that matter - to see.

"I bet Daley is already looking for you. You should go back." Eric couldn't deal with Lex now, not while the tear tracks were yet to dry on his own face.

"Daley didn't mean what she said." Lex's voice was earnest. He didn't need to specify what he meant - they both knew the words he alluded to. You are a selfish bastard and I don't want you anywhere near me or Lex. And then the sucker punch: Nothing you say can ever change what you did.

"Sure she did." Eric's smile was forced. The grave was behind him and he had a sudden illogical urge to prevent Lex from seeing the stark mound. "Anyway, you don't want to be here."

"I…I made this." Lex came forward and presented the wooden thing to Eric, who with a bang saw what it really was - a cross made of two pieces of wood that were tied together with vine. "I thought he should have…I wanted to make…" Lex's words faded and the boy dropped his eyes to the ground, clearly distressed. Eric's throat was tight and something was fastening up his insides into a painful knot.

"It's…fine. It's a good thought." And perhaps Eric had gotten Lex into this nightmare to begin with, but it didn't mean he couldn't try to help him in any way he could. At least he had to try. "You want me to set it up?"

Lex nodded quickly and offered the cross to Eric, who took it with trembling hands. He stepped beneath the tree, next to the grave. Under that mass of soil, those rocks, there was a human body. The thought made Eric almost gag, but he swallowed the bitter bile with determination. He couldn't lose his cool now. He had to be strong - be the adult - for Lex.

Eric pushed the wooden cross deep to the ground until it could stand on its own. He took a few steps back to see how it looked and almost stepped on Lex's feet. Unnoticed by Eric, the boy had crept closer to the grave.

"Well, there it is. Now we can go back to the camp." Eric started to leave the clearing, but stopped when Lex didn't make any move to follow him. Eric sighed. Nothing was ever easy with Lex, the kid was just too stubborn for his own good. He wanted to grab Lex's hand and drag the boy out of that awful place before they both were broken beyond repair. He had to remind himself of Lex's silence during the day and his cries at night. Just to hear him talk again was more than Eric deserved.

"Lex, is there something else you would like to do here?" He tried to be patient. Lex was staring at the grave, biting his lip. Eric moved to stand beside him, all the while searching for the right words. He didn't know what was on Lex's mind, didn't know if the boy wanted comfort or silent support. However, before Eric had a chance to try anything, Lex's quiet voice filled the empty space between them.

"Why did he try to get the money?"

Eric contemplated his answer carefully - it was important to get it right - before saying, "Maybe he needed it badly for something." He remembered his own numerous dreams that had been centered around that money. "Sometimes people - they see all that money and think how much better their lives would be if they had it…and they forget everything else."

Lex seemed to think about Eric's words for a moment, adding them up with everything he already knew, calculating the trueness of the forming picture. Finally he nodded and Eric knew his answer had been accepted. The questions didn't end there though.

"The bad man - the leader…" Lex's voice shook, and he was probably seeing in his mind's eye everything that had taken place on that fatal night. The empty eyes of the dead man, staring at them. "Why did he have to…shoot him?"

Eric had feared this question, for he didn't understand it himself. "I don't know Lex. He wanted the money as badly as - as Jin did."

"But he shot him, when he already had the money."

Jin had been laying on the ground, bleeding and coughing blood from the first shot. He had been defenseless; unable to move, unable to even reach for the money bag beside him. Cole had talked to him evenly and had then shot him dead.

"I - I don't understand it either. And maybe it's something we shouldn't have to - don't have to understand."

"I didn't help him." Lex's voice was small and miserable; the words dug deep into Eric's soul. His throat threatened to close up, but he fought to let the words out, for Lex needed to hear them badly.

"Lex, you couldn't have done anything to help him. The situation was impossible - we were being threatened with guns." Lex's whole body was trembling, and Eric took hold of Lex's shoulders and turned the boy to face him. He looked at him straight in the eyes and willed him to believe."You were amazing through it all - very brave - and you couldn't have stopped what happened…Lex, I want you to remember that none of it was your fault. What happened was notyour fault."

Lex's gaze was serious and too wise for his age. "It was not your fault either."

Something broke inside Eric with those words, and he scooped Lex in his arms, squeezing the boy tight. For the first time since that night, the strangling coil of buried fear, anger and guilt inside Eric loosened, instead of tightening further.

What had happened, it was not his fault. And if Lex believed that, then maybe Eric could believe it too.

o

Another day that was the same as the days before that. Hot day, with a few white clouds on the sky. The sea a constant roar in her ears. Sand flying in a gust of sudden wind. Same day. And she was the same as before.

Daley still felt afraid every time Lex was out of her sight, but she tried to control it after realizing that her fear made him afraid. She still bristled up under the onslaught of sympathetic eyes, but tried to think before yelling hurtful words at people, who were only trying to help. Like Nathan, whose words echoed in her thoughts, made her feel better and worse.

She was so sick of being sick. Sick with fear and anger and worry. Sick with the wrong kinds of words out of her mouth - all nonsense that meant nothing, that was just designed to fill the void of silence.

An ordinary day, the kind of ordinary she hated, that only meant the word same and was living in a limbo. Until it suddenly wasn't. For the first time since…

Lex laughed.

Daley heard her brother laugh and stopped in her tracks, hardly daring to believe. Lex was smiling and laughing with the others, and she had a violent urge to join them, to be the cause of that laugh. The day wasn't the same as the day before it, and there was no excuse for her to be as she had been.

In the end, it was easier than she had thought to walk over to Nathan, and to tell him that she was finally ready to talk.

o

THE END

o

Finished! I have enjoyed writing this story, but still I can't be anything but relieved now that it is finally over. Oddly, I am feeling like the characters at this point: I have emerged from a rough experience altered, but still intact.

I want to thank everyone, who have read this story and especially those of you who have sent your reviews to motivate me. I hope the story was worth your time and that the ending had an effect on you - positive or negative.