Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, events and/or places that are recognized as being written and created by J.K. Rowling. J.K. Rowling owns all the characters and places from the Harry Potter books including the ones used in this story.
A/N: This is just a silly oneshot! Enjoy!!
WARNING: There is mentions of sex and swear words in this story. Do not read if you do not like!
It's a secret. That's why it's getting harder for them to keep their hands off each other. Secrets don't want to be secrets.
They can barely make it through the common room. Getting to one of their beds seems near impossible. Sirius's bed is the closest and each step they take is accompanied with a pull, a twist, a kiss, a touch until they give up pretending that they aren't dying for the other. Remus's knees go weak as soon as he gets to Sirius's bed. He watches the button on his last pair of Nice Trousers fly out into oblivion. For a moment he thinks that he better go get it, but then Sirius descends on him, does something wickedly illegal with his tongue, and Remus isn't going anywhere.
Remus's eyes are closed, his heart is hammering, his body is rippling with pleasure. He tenses and cries out.
And opens his eyes.
"Oh my God," whispers Remus in a ragged voice.
Sirius rests his head on Remus's thigh. "'m that good, huh?"
"No."
Sirius's head snaps up. "Excuse me?" His face melts to concern immediately. "Moony? What's the matter?"
Remus's cheeks are deathly pale when they should have been pleasantly flushed. "We…look." He points to a spot ahead of him.
Sirius spins around on his knees. Directly in front of them is James's bed. And on James's bed is James, sitting cross legged with books and parchment laid out around him like a moat. He's staring right at them.
Sirius swallows the thick nothingness in his throat. "Prongs?"
James's quill is hovering three inches above his paper, ink splashing down from the tip like inky blue rain drops. His mouth is hanging open, and behind his glasses, his eyes are blown black by wide pupils. James hasn't blinked once, Sirius notices. He doesn't seem to be breathing either.
"Prongs? Oh my God," gasps Sirius. "We killed him. Our sexing killed him!"
"He must have gone into cardiac arrest," says Remus, always having to find the logic in everything. "From shock."
"We forgot to get behind the curtains, and we forgot a silencing charm. We-" Sirius strains his neck to look back at Remus. "We're going to be in so much trouble."
Remus stands up, knocking Sirius onto his butt. "This is impossible. How could he just…" Remus tucks himself back into his trousers and marches over to James's bed. "James," he says firmly. "James." He slaps James's cheek. "Ow! Fuck," he growls. Remus cradles his hand against his chest. With his other hand, the one that doesn't now have broken bones in each finger, Remus knocks on James's head. The knock makes a hard sound, like pounding on a rock.
"Moony?" Sirius is hiding his face behind his hands. He can't look at James, his best mate, his brother. "What are we going to do?" His voice hitches and wobbles.
Remus stares at James, willing him to blink or flex his nostrils. "We have to take him to Madame Pomfrey."
Sirius rips his hands away from his face and uses all his Gryffindor courage to launch himself at James. "Stop this, Prongs!" He tries to shake James's shoulders, but James's body can't be moved. "Wake up! Snap out of it, man! This isn't funny!"
"Sirius, stop. That's not going to work."
"But this might!" Sirius whips his wand out. "Finite," he shouts.
Nothing happens.
Remus puts his hand on Sirius's shoulder. "Let's take him to Madame Pomfrey. Maybe she can-" he swallows. "Come on, unfold his legs."
Sirius pulls on James's leg. "It's stuck like that," he says. "It's like he turned into a statue. Why couldn't he go blind like a normal person?"
Remus shrugs. He wraps his arms around James's torso. "Oh God," he groans. "He weighs a ton!"
"I told him he should go on a diet," says Sirius, holding his hands out in a Don't Blame Me gesture.
Remus takes his wand out. "Mobilicorpus," he says, and James's still sitting body levitates a few feet from the bed. Remus starts to move him towards the door.
"Wait!" Sirius wrenches James's trunk open. He takes out a large liquid-looking cloak. "We don't need everyone in the common room asking us questions."
"Good thinking." Remus helps Sirius drape the Invisibility Cloak over James.
"I'll keep my hands on him," says Sirius, reaching out until he blindly locates James's shoulders. "So we don't lose him."
"You're so smart," says Remus, smiling fondly at Sirius.
Sirius doubles back and kisses Remus hard. "We may never get to do that again," he says. "Last I heard they don't let people share cells in Azkaban."
They walk slowly out of the dorm and down the stairs into the common room. Half way to the portrait, they are stopped by no one other than Lily Evans. She places herself in front of Sirius (thankfully far back enough so that she doesn't crash into James) and starts clapping.
"What the fuck's your problem, Evans?"
Lily claps louder and grins. "I am just so happy that someone is finally getting rid of you."
"What?" Sirius looks back at Remus, and suddenly notices what they look like.
To anyone who doesn't know that James is there (which is everyone), it appears that Remus is taking Sirius out of the dorm by wand point. And, because Sirius has his arms stretched out, holding on to James's shoulders, it appears that he's going willingly with his hands in the air.
"I won't hold you up any longer, Remus," says Lily, moving to the side. "But on behalf of myself, and probably Severus Snape, and actually all of Slytherin, and McGonagall too really, Filch, those girls from Hufflepuff that Sirius won't give the time of day to, and well anyways, thank you."
Sirius leans over to Lily. "You're going to be sobbing in about an hour. Mark my words."
"Yeah, right," scoffs Lily. "Take him away, Remus!"
Remus rolls his eyes and uses his wand free hand to nudge Sirius forward.
"The nerve of that hag," shouts Sirius, once they're outside the tower. "I should have ripped the cloak right off of James and showed her his mangled body."
"His body isn't mangled, Padfoot. He just looks like he saw something horrifying."
"Which," says Sirius, turning to smirk at Remus. "I take quite an offence to, by the way."
Remus laughs quietly. And without another word, they lead James down to Madame Pomfrey.
Thankfully they managed to reach the infirmary without getting caught once. "This is it," murmurs Sirius. He pulls the cloak off James, and Remus lowers him to the ground.
"Knock," says Remus, pushing Sirius forward.
"You knock." Sirius pushes him back.
"I don't want to."
"Well, why should I?"
"Because I told you to?"
"Oh, so-" Sirius stops when he hears a knock. Both of them look down at James, but he's still frozen stiff.
"Thought I'd knock for you," says Madame Pomfrey, leaning against her door with a scowl. "Are you dying?"
"No," says Sirius.
"Then why are you here? And Mr. Potter please do not sit on my floor."
"That's why we're here, Madame Pomfrey. Something, um-"
"We came into the dorm," Sirius interrupts Remus. "And found James like this. We don't know why!"
Madame Pomfrey bends down to look into James's face. "Merlin," she gasps. "He looks like he's been petrified!"
Sirius stamps his foot. "Now that's just ridiculous!"
Remus steps in front of Sirius before he can say anything incriminating. "Can you fix him?"
"I don't know what's wrong with him." She stands up. "I'll have to call in Dumbledore."
"What kind of mediwitch are you?" Sirius whimpers, dropping his forehead onto Remus's shoulder.
Dumbledore, McGonagall, Slughorn, Madame Pomfrey, and anyone else morbidly interested, huddle around James's body.
"Well, he's a goner," says Dumbledore.
"What?" Sirius and Remus grab onto each other.
"Unless we can brew up some Mandrake Draught."
"Headmaster?" Professor Sprout steps forward. "We can probably have some ready in about two weeks. The Mandrakes should be in matured puberty by then."
"Excellent," says Dumbledore.
"Ah. Dumbledore?" Remus pries Sirius's hand off his arm and walks up to the Headmaster. "Do you know how James got, um, petrified?"
Dumbledore looks down at him, eyes twinkling in overtime. "Afraid not, Mr. Lupin. And until we find out, we may all be in grave danger."
"Grave danger," laughs Sirius, as he and Remus make their way back up to the tower. "Grave danger of having too much sex now that the dorm's empty."
"Peter's still there," says Remus. "Aren't you the least bit upset that we almost killed Prongs?"
"Almost, Moony," says Sirius. "We almost killed him." Sirius pouts and sidles up to Remus. "Moooonnyyy," he whispers huskily, batting his long girly eyelashes.
"Lovely once again, Mr. Lupin."
Remus yawns. "An' we man'g'd to ge' da curt'ins cos'd tis time."
"If you say so." Sirius stretches his legs out. "I'm gonna go have a piss." Sirius moves the curtains aside and leaps out of bed.
The door to their dorm bursts open, startling him out of his cloth…well, just startling him.
"Have you seen James oh my God!"
Sirius puts his hands on his hips. "Don't pretend like you're shocked, Evans," he says, looking his naked self up and down.
"Not you, peabrain." Lily points into the middle of the room.
"What?" says Remus, sticking his head out from behind the curtains. He looks at what Lily is pointing at. "You've got to be joking."
Peter is standing in the middle of the room. Frozen. Completely still. With his pudgy hands half way to his ears and his mouth hung open in a silent scream.
We forgot the silencing charm," gasps Sirius.
"What?" asks Lily.
"I mean, he's been petrified just like James."
"WHAT?"
"He was such a good man," Lily cries with her arms wrapped around James's stiff torso.
"Really?" asks Sirius, staring down at her. "I remember you hating him yesterday."
"It was all an act," she howls.
"Oh for crying out loud," shouts Remus. "First of all, stop talking in the past tense like he's dead. Second of all, stop crying out and interrupting Dumbledore."
"Thank you, Remus," says Dumbledore. "Like I was saying, obviously we're dealing with something horrific to the eyes. And it's localized in the 6th year Gryffindor boy's dormitory. Curious."
"I wouldn't say horrific," says Remus. "I think it's more of an unbelievable shocking kind of look they've got. I mean, I'm sure what they saw wasn't horrific." He coughs when he sees McGonagall's eyes boring into him. "Not that I would know because if I did I'd probably be petrified like them."
"Shut up, Remus," hisses Sirius.
"Until we know these attacks have stopped," continues Dumbledore as if Remus never said anything at all. "I need you two to be extra careful."
"Oh we'll be extra careful," laughs Sirius once they're in the hallway. Lily stayed back to take a sedative.
"Padfoot! We can't-"
"Moooonnyyy." Sirius bats his eyelashes.
Five days and a lot of sex later, Sirius is escorting Remus from the library and back to the dorm. "I'm not going to make it up there, Moony," whines Sirius.
"Oh, Padfoot," sighs Remus. He stops walking. "I told you not to eat that bean dip! Do-" Remus's voice is cut off by Sirius's tongue being shoved down his esophagus. Remus swings them around, makes sure the hall is empty, and drops to his knees.
Minutes, oh alright a minute later Sirius is spent and hanging like limp deli meat in Remus's arms, whispering I Love You I Love You against his neck.
"We're lucky no one saw us." Remus looks over Sirius's shoulder. "Damn it!"
Severus Snape is standing with his hand clutching his chest. And he's not moving. What a surprise.
"Why does this keep happening?" screams Remus.
"Control yourself, Moony!" Sirius wraps his arms around Remus's waist. "Obviously we're far too sexy for people to handle."
"Yes, that must be it." Remus bites his lip. "We can't bring him up to Pomfrey! Dumbledore's going to start wondering why we're the only two people finding students petrified."
"When I was little, my father told me bedtime stories," says Sirius.
"And my mum gave me baths. But let's have memory lane time later, do you mind?"
"That's-He used to tell me this story. It's called The Chamber of Secrets." Sirius drops his voice so it sounds low and wobbly. "It'ssss about a-"
"Monster that attacked muggle borns. I read about it-"
"In Hogwarts, A History. See, I can do that ruining someone's story thing to."
"Sorry," whispers Remus.
"Anyways, we should recreate it! Blame everything on the monster!"
Remus stares at Sirius's smiling face. "That is the worst idea I have ever heard."
"Moony."
"No."
"Moony."
"Sirius, we are not pretending a monster is loose in the school!"
"Moooonnyyy." Sirius bats his eyelashes.
Remus blushes. "I'll conjure the chicken blood," he says.
Slowly a crowd starts to gather, as dorms empty and everyone makes their way to breakfast. A circle develops around Severus Snape and no one says a word until a Ravenclaw prefect shakes off his shock and goes to get Dumbledore.
Remus and Sirius position themselves in the crowd. Not in the front, but not in the back. Remus suggested that if they appear like they've just stumbled onto this scene too, perhaps Dumbledore won't give them That Look.
Dumbledore stops short when he sees Snape. He turns slightly and gives Sirius and Remus That Look.
"We're dead," whispers Sirius into Remus's ear.
"What does that message say, Albus?" shouts McGonagall from the back of the crowd.
Dumbledore clears his throat. "The Chamber of Secrets has been opened. We've decided to change it up a bit this time. If you're an ugly git and a nosy bastard beware. So, that's all. Bye…I mean seeeee youuuu laaaterrrrr!!!!!"
Everyone starts making a scene. The first years are crying. The girls are screaming. The Professors are outraged. The Slytherins…aren't surprised. "It does say ugly git and nosy bastard," says Regulus Black. "Isn't that Snape's middle name? Severus Ugly Git And Nosy Bastard Snape."
Dumbledore whistles to get everyone's attention. "Clearly, I know what's happening here?" Dumbledore looks at Sirius and Remus.
"Remember I love you," hisses Sirius, grabbing Remus's hand.
"The monster in the Chamber of Secrets has become restless and tired of being ignored for the past thirty years."
"We-" Sirius starts to shout before he realizes Dumbledore isn't blaming them. "We-choo!" he cleverly covers up. "We-choo. Excuse me." Remus rips his hand away from Sirius in disgust.
"Bless you," says Dumbledore. "Until we are sure that the monster has retreated to its home, I'm going to ask all of you to not wander the halls alone, not be an ugly git, or a nosy bastard."
"We got away with it," says Remus, in complete and total annihilating disbelief. "They actually bought that ridiculous message. All those extra letters."
Remus and Sirius are curled up on Sirius's bed. Sirius shrugs against Remus's chest. "We're in Hogwarts, Moony. Land of ridiculous stories." He picks his head up and smiles. "We should have thought of this sooner. Dorm's gonna be empty for another week."
Remus frowns at him. "But when they wake up, they're going to tell Dumbledore what they saw and heard and…oh God, Sirius! We'll be expelled!"
"Just calm down." Sirius reaches up to kiss Remus, but the door bangs open and they both stop everything and look over at it.
"I know you two are responsible for this," screams Lily Evans. "Look at those flushed, euphoric faces"
She stampedes over to Sirius's bed, and glares down at them. In her rage she seems to be missing the fact that they're completely nude and tangled around each other. "I am going straight to Dumbledore. Game over, Black."
"Moony, close your eyes," shouts Sirius. Remus has barely enough time to question what's going on before Sirius puts his hand over Remus's eyes and his mouth around Remus's cock.
"I just don't understand," says Slughorn, standing over Lily's petrified body. "I mean, yes she's a nosy bastard, but an ugly git?"
Remus is in the library. He is determined to pull off the shelf every book that even briefly mentions people being petrified and read them cover to cover. So far he's learned a lot about the Basilisk. He's thinking of becoming a Basilisk trainer he knows so much about them now. And unless one of them has a Basilisk in their trousers (which, Remus isn't ashamed to admit, is most definitely not an accurate description), then it seems unlikely that the giant snake is the culprit.
Remus throws Being Petrified is Not an Excuse to Miss Work over his shoulder.
"Fuck, Moony!"
"Padfoot, why'd you follow me?"
Sirius whimpers, rubbing his head. "I was lonely. I missed my Moony."
"While I appreciate the sentiment," says Remus, pulling Sirius into the chair next to him. "I think we should avoid each other from now on."
"What? Why?"
"Because we're the reason this is happening. Until James and the others are OK, we should stop-"
"You should stop talking," says Sirius. He grabs the front of Remus's robes and pushes him to lie on the table. "I'm going to change your mind, right here in this library," he says, crawling on top of Remus.
"Well, you see, Headmaster," begins Remus. "When, ah, when we heard the first person become petrified, we, we closed our eyes and hid under the table."
Dumbledore leans across his desk. "And what does a person becoming petrified sound like?"
"Oh my eyes," deadpans Sirius.
"Hmm." Dumbledore leans back in his chair. "This is a most peculiar turn of events. Unfortunately, for you boys…"
Remus and Sirius share a look of mutual horror.
"Professor Sprout was one of the fifteen people petrified in the library."
Sirius sighs dramatically and slams his back against his chair. "You really need to stop doing that."
Dumbledore chuckles at him. "Professor Slughorn is all ready to brew the draught. All we need are the roots, and like I was going to say, unfortunately Professor Sprout is unable to do this now. Because your friends are some of the victims, I'm sure you wouldn't mind helping us out?"
"We'll do anything you ask, sir," pleads Remus.
"Then I'm going to ask you to go down to Greenhouse Three tonight and harvest those roots."
"Do you know anything about harvesting roots?" asks Sirius as he pulls open the door to Greenhouse Three.
"I pay attention in class," says Remus.
"Oh, yes, sorry, I forgot you're an alien from another dimension who likes school."
Remus puts a finger to Sirius's mouth. "Don't get grumpy with me, mister. Let's just get this over with." Sirius nods and they enter the greenhouse.
The lights are dimmed down. Remus reaches for two earmuffs next to the door and right before they've put them on, they hear a crash.
Remus and Sirius freeze. "Someone's in here," whispers Remus.
They hear a couple high squeaky giggles. Sirius sighs, and secures his earmuffs. "We do not have time for this. Come on!" He grabs Remus's hand and holds his wand out with the other, prepared to hex who ever it is that has the nerve to have sex while they need to work.
Sirius and Remus move further into the greenhouse, past a wall of snoring leafy plants, and then they see it. See them.
On the floor, with dirt everywhere, are at least twenty Mandrakes. Twenty little naked Mandrakes. And they aren't having a tea party.
"Ew," says Sirius. He stares at a tiny brown male Mandrake humping an even tinier female Mandrake. Sirius grabs Remus's arm and mouths "Moony! Look at those two going at it like animals!"
"This is disgusting," mouths Remus, watching a couple Mandrakes groping at each other. "They're not even human, they're plants." He sees one of the Mandrakes tip their head back and silently groan. Thank Merlin they can't hear anything. The last thing they need is to be found dead in the middle of a Mandrake orgy. "We shouldn't be watching this."
A curvaceous Mandrake with tall purply-green leaves sprouting from her potato head jumps onto the table in front of them. She eyes Sirius up and down. "Hey there," Remus thinks he sees her say.
"Hey," mouths Sirius.
"No," mouths Remus glaring at Sirius.
The Mandrake is almost dwarfed by the copper pot she's leaning up against. "Wanna have some fun?" they watch her say.
Sirius grabs Remus's face and turns it. "Can I, Moony?" he mouths.
Remus is lost, completely lost for words. He watches two randy Mandrakes slip into an unused pot and then watches the pot start to rock and back and forth. "Sirius," he says, finally finding his voice, or at least finding the voice in his head. "This is…no…no you can't-PADFOOT!"
Sirius has his pants down around his ankles and three Mandrakes are rubbing their scrubby, dirt encrusted hands up and down his shaft. Remus's scream makes them jump and two scurry away. The third winks at Sirius. "Come and get me, big boy," the Mandrake mouths to Sirius.
Remus grabs Sirius's shoulders. "Go outside," he mouths.
"Re-"
"Go. Wait. Out. Side." Remus waits until he witnesses Sirius leave the greenhouse, then he grabs a pair of scissors from the table. He wonders briefly if he can chop off their roots with his eyes closed.
"Padfoot?" Remus stops them in the front hall. "There's something we need to do before we deliver this to Slughorn."
"Moony! I'm not going to obliviate you! Stop asking me!"
Remus shakes his head, and waves his wand. A pool of liquid red goop appears on the floor. "We need to close the Chamber of Secrets," he says.
Sirius nods and dips his fingers into the blood.
When they delivered the Mandrake roots to Slughorn, he told them to come to the infirmary in the morning.
They both stayed up all night. Remus because he started packing his bags. And Sirius because he was trying to stop Remus from packing his bags.
At 8:00 a.m. sharp, they go down to the infirmary, Sirius grabs Remus's hand before they enter. "Uncle Alphard left me all his gold. And by all I mean I'm fucking rich. If we get expelled-"
Remus stops Sirius with a kiss. "If we get expelled," he says. "I'm going to kill you and steal your gold as pay back."
Sirius wipes a tear from his cheek. "I'm so proud of you," he whispers.
They enter the room and find it deserted except for Dumbledore, James and Peter. "Hello boys," calls Dumbledore, beckoning them over.
"Where is everyone? Headmaster?"
"Well, we administered the potion. They woke up. I erased their memories and-"
"You erased their memories?" shouts Remus.
Dumbledore dips his chin down, and smiles. "I thought you would have wanted me to. Am I wrong?"
Remus opens his mouth, but Professor McGonagall's voice cuts him off. "Albus?" she says, running up to them. "There's a new message on the wall!"
"What does it say, Minerva?" says Dumbledore, smiling gently at McGonagall.
McGonagall clears her throat and reads from a piece of parchment. "I'm leaving. I need to check my mail and I think I left my stove on. Consider this chamber closed."
Dumbledore laughs and wipes his hands together. "Well, that's that," he says. "And may we never again hear about the Chamber of Secrets until we meet James's son."
"What?" James looks at Dumbledore like he's fucking lost his mind.
"Did you erase James's and Peter's memories too?" asks Sirius.
"No, he didn't," says James. "You complete sodding idiots."
Dumbledore puts his arms around Sirius and Remus. "Oh," he chuckles. "This was a fun break from reality. Now, I think it's about time you four had a long talk." He bows his head and shuffles backwards. "We'll leave you alone."
McGonagall and Dumbledore start to exit. Sirius, Remus, James, and Peter stare at their retreating backs.
Before Dumbledore leave, he turns around and twinkles his eyes at Sirius and Remus. "And may this be a lesson to you two boys, to always remember, to close the curtains."
The door to the infirmary shuts after Dumbledore leaves. The four boys continue to stare at it. Finally, Sirius turns around and looks at his friends. He points back at the door. "Is that really Dumbledore?"