Seven Stars

~A Fushigi Yuugi Parody~

Note: I am not copying anybody else who's done one of these. I've been dying to do one for a while and just thought of how to get it going. I don't own anything in this story except me…there's joint custody for Nicki and Shad.

            "Hi! This is Willis, your favorite American Digidestined! You're probably wondering why we're doing this in the first place. Well, see, the FOX Kids producers got in big trouble with the network CEOs because the weekend lineup, well, sucks. The WB has been cranking out theme weekends pretty much every weekend this month, and they just started a new season of Card Captors, while all we have that's new is Kong, Los Luchadores and the Power Rangers. So, our cast was asked to do a summer special to put on in hopes to boost the ratings. And this is it! And now, we bring you, Seven Stars, produced and directed by Lia and Nicki."

The Cast

~a very important thing to know~

Miaka………Hikari "Kari" Kamiya

Yui………Miyako "Yolei" Inoue

Tamahome………Takeru "T.K." Takaishi

Hotohori………Daisuke "Davis" Motomiya

Nuriko………Ken Ichijouji

Chichiri………Koushiro "Izzy" Izumi

Tasuki………Taichi "Tai" Kamiya

Mitsukake………Joe Kido

Chiriko………Iori "Cody" Hida

Nakago………Yamato "Matt" Ishida

And Shadowmon, as Mitsukake's cat

Narrated by Black Wargreymon

            "Miyako and Kari were best friends growing up, and now attended the same middle school together. But one day, something happened that would change their lives forever…"

Yolei started walking up the steps in a dark library, wearing some hideous brown school fuku. Suddenly behind her was the glowing image of a giant Birdramon! It flew up the stairs and through a closed door. Yolei followed the bird into the room, which just happened to be restricted to the public. On the ground was a book…no, not the Clow. It was The Universe of the Four Gods, an ancient Chinese book.

"Miyako! Miyako, where are you?"

"CUT!!!" Lia shrieked, jumping out of her cushy director's chair. Production stopped abruptly.

Everyone stared at the irate brunette, muttering about what she was pissed at.

"Is there a problem?" Yolei asked, clutching the book.

"You're Yui, Kari's Miaka. Why are you doing Kari's scenes?" she growled.

Yolei smirked. While you were chasing Gomamon out of Matt's dressing room, I went into your office and revised the fanfic. See, look up top, after Willis's introduction?"

Lia looked up, and sure enough, her cast list had been rewritten.

The Cast

~a very important thing to know~

Miaka………Miyako "Yolei" Inoue

Yui………Hikari "Kari" Kamiya

Etc.

            "It's too late to change anything, the show's already started," Nicki stated. "But if you do anything to the bishounen I swear on my tag and crest I WILL KILL YOU DEAD!!!"

Lia sighed and got back into her chair, motioning for Willis to turn the cameras back on. As she glowered in her canvas chair Matt came over, clanking in his armor, and attempted to comfort her. Lia shrieked.

"What?! What?!"

"SUNBURN! SUNBURN!"

Nicki grinned. "Ha ha, sucks to be you!"

"Let's just continue. Kari, we're at your entrance."

Kari nodded. "There you are, Miyako! This is a restricted room, we shouldn't be in…whoa, what's that?"

Yolei shrugged. "A book I found on the floor. I saw this big glowing bird and I followed it in here."

"A bird? You must be losing it."

            Kari took the book out of Yolei's hands. "The Universe of the Four Gods, wow, sounds cool. '…The story in itself is a spell, for once the book is opened, the reader is transported into the story as the hero…' Hmph, sounds like a load of baloney to me."

A/N: I'm doing this from memory, I don't own the tapes of the show, they're loaned from my friend Annie. And I haven't seen all of it either, only to either nineteen or twenty, I forget where we left off.

Just then the book started glowing, and the two girls were transported into its pages.

~*~

            The digimon scurried around to get the set changed while most of the kids sat around and did nothing. Izzy and Ken were up in the control booth with their digimon, Wizardmon, and Black Wargreymon, making sure nothing had blown up so far. Lia and Nicki were pestering the interns for aspirin and aloe vera, and Tai was being an all-around nuisance regarding their sunburns.

"It isn't funny, they HURT!" Nicki shouted.

Sora and Mimi were running about like madwomen backstage, getting costumes and makeup done in record time.

"T.K., wait! You've got a seam coming undone!" Sora hollered.

"Where's Ken? I think he needs a different shade of lipstick!" Mimi cried.

~*~

            Yolei and Kari lay on the ground in the middle of a desert, alone, dirty, and unconscious. They came to rather quickly, looking around.

"Miyako, where are we?"

"Look, if I knew, I'd tell you. Hey, there are some guys! Maybe they can give us directions. Excuse me!"

A rough-looking gang of thieves (made up of Weregarurumon, Galgomon, Flamedramon, and Shurimon gijinka-style) came over to them, grinning.

"Can you maybe give us directions? See, we were in a library and now we're…"

Yolei's voice trailed off as the thieves started talking about them.

"They're dressed pretty weird, but I bet they'll do just fine."

"I don't know, I had a Spanish one once, and she was always yelling at me in that funky language."

"What are they talking about?" Kari whispered.

"I think they're going to sell us as foreign housekeepers. Well I don't think so. HEE-YAH!"

Yolei managed to sock Shurimon in the gut, causing him to double over in pain. Galgomon and Weregarurumon grabbed her, Flamedramon seized Kari. The girls started screaming.

            Suddenly out of nowhere came a young man dressed in Oriental-style robes, with a Chinese character glowing on his forehead. He single-handedly beat up the digimon thieves and sent them packing. Kari and Yolei stood there with little hearts swirling around their heads.

"Are you two all right?" he questioned.

"Yes, now that you're here," they cooed.

"Good. Then that'll be twenty dollars." The stranger held out his hand.

"Wha?"

"Do you think I rescue people for free? Who do I look like, Batpig? Now pay up!"

Kari frowned. "Look, we nearly got sold as housekeepers and you expect us to pay you? Are you insane?"

Yolei started rooting around for cash. The stranger started walking off, figuring they were broke and didn't want to waste his time on them. Kari started glowing Queen-of-the-Numemon-style and disappeared.

            Yolei went to give the stranger all she had---a handful of coins and three bottle caps, but he had disappeared, and so had Kari.

"Kari? Weird but sexy person? Hey! Where'd everyone go?"

Frustrated, she decided to find the person, because that's where she figured Kari would be. And so Yolei eventually made her way to a city.

~*~

            "Lia, you're not going to go through all of Fushigi Yuugi, are you?" Joe questioned.

"Nah, we're cheating it a little. Don't worry."

Joe nodded and grabbed a donut off a passing food cart.

Kari sat down in a chair next to her older brother. "How'd I do, Tai?"

Tai shrugged, too busy fiddling with his iron fan.

"Ta-ai!"

"Uh? Oh, fine, fine. Do you think this thing really cranks out fire?"

"Don't even think about trying it, Tai!" Agumon gasped.

Davis sat down next to them with a mirror in his hand. "Wow, Mimi made me look like a real bishounen, didn't she? I can't believe how good-looking I am!"

Kari rolled her eyes. "Nicki and Lia definitely typecasted him."

~*~

            Yolei made it to the city, where she ran into another gang of men, this time intent on selling her as a salesgirl for the Home Shopping Network. Again, the stranger came to her rescue.

"You just don't know how to stay out of trouble, do you?"

Yolei sighed heavily. "You're soooo handsome. Do you have a name to go with that great body?"

"I'm…um…I'm…Takeru. Hey, wasn't there another girl with you?"

"Yeah, Kari-chan, and I'm Miyako. But I can't find her and I thought you had her!"

"Me? Yeah right! Why would I want to run off with some scrawny girl in a strange outfit?"

"To sell her?"

"Hell no!"

            Just then there was a fanfare as the emperor's procession drove by. A light bulb went off over Yolei's head.

"Hey, the emperor's rich, right? If I get him to give me one of his jewels, would you help me find Kari-chan?"

"Sure, why not?" T.K. sighed, trying desperately to get the clingy purple-haired girl away from him. Yolei started running for the carriage, pestering the emperor.

~*~

            "How did I know you were going to get us thrown into jail?" T.K. groaned.

Yolei managed to pick the lock with a bobby pin and the two of them got out of the cell…and separated as they went to escape. Yolei ended up in a courtyard, staring down a woman wearing a purple sheet.

"You're lost, aren't you?" she said.

"Yup. You haven't seen an incredibly hot blonde guy run by, have you?"

The woman shook her head. "But the exit is that way."

"I'm not leaving without Takeru! It's my fault we got here in the first place. You're kinda weird-looking for a lady, you know."

The palace guards came into the yard, dragging T.K. along.

"We caught this guy sitting on the royal throne, playing with the royal action figures, Sir."

"SIR?!" Yolei and T.K. gasped. The lady threw off her sheet and revealed the outfit of the emperor.

"Let them go. They are my guests. I am Emperor Daisuke, and this is my kingdom."

            T.K. glared at Yolei. "You just keep getting us into more and more trouble."

Davis grinned. "I'm not a pretty girl, I admit that, but I'm much more handsome now."

T.K. fell over, anime style. "I hope you're just acting."

"Miyako, my kingdom is in peril, and I believe you are the one to save it. There's this legend about a girl from another world and it says that she gathers the Seven Stars of Suzuki…Sousaphone…Suzaku! Yeah, that's it, Suzaku, and so she gets them and makes all her wishes come true."

Yolei started dreaming about her wishes as she stood there. "A lifetime supply of chocolate, my own personal pastry chef, being able to claim all the bishies as my own, gahhhh."

T.K. and Davis sweatdropped.

"Anyway," Davis continued. "The Seven Stars are people with extra-cool powers and Chinese characters on their bodies. See? I'm Daisuke, one of the seven constellations." Davis revealed his own glowing mark on his neck and pointed to the one on T.K.'s forehead. "And that's Takeru, another one. We're sworn to protect the Priestess of Soufflé…SUZAKU! So, will you do it?"

"To get bishounen, sure thing!"

            Just then a gazebo conveniently collapsed, trapping Yolei and T.K. under it. T.K. used his powers as one of the Suzaku Seven to hold up the rubble as long as he could, but he was getting nowhere fast.

"Miyako…I'll…keep this from crushing you…but know that…this doesn't mean anything."

"Oh Takeru…"

Davis, safe from the collapse, was trying to dig them out. "Hang on, Takeru! I'll save you!"

A beautiful woman from the emperor's group of concubines picked her way over to the fallen gazebo.

"Let me help," she said calmly, picking up a hunk of rubble and tossing it like it was nothing. Davis watched in awe as she heaved massive chunks of wood and whatnot, the rubble landing harmlessly on stupid interns and former lackeys of N****.

            Yolei and T.K. were pulled out, unharmed more or less, with a couple dings and bruises here and there. Yolei went to yank the collar down on the lady, she slapped her and shoved her away.

"Perverted little freak!" she howled.

"But…that glowing mark…on your…"

The woman nodded and moved her collar, revealing a glowing mark on her collarbone. 

"I'm Ken, the third Star of Suzaku." He latched onto Davis's arm.

"You're soooo cute!" The blue-haired bishounen squealed.

"Yes, yes I am." Davis proceeded to whip out yet another mirror. 

T.K. and Yolei blinked. "You mean she's a he?"

Ken shrugged. "So I'm a crossdresser. Got a problem with it?"

~*~

            Nicki called lunch break as the digimon set up for another scene. The elder Digidestined were all laughing and joking about Ken's costume.

"Jeez Ken, you make such a convincing girl I was just about ready to dump Lia for you!" Matt teased. Lia glared at him.

"Don't even joke, Yamato."

Ken blushed. "You really like it? I mean, I thought it was a little much, but…"

Davis gave Ken a big hug. "I wuv it, Kenny! You look adorable!"

Kari sat with Mimi and Sora, playing with her salad rather than eating it.

"I can't believe Yolei took my part. It's wrong! I mean, I've never done anything mean to her in my life, I've kept out of her way when she had temper tantrums and I don't bash her like Lia and Nicki do, so why did she do it?"

Mimi and Sora shrugged. "Because those two think she's evil incarnate. That's why."

~*~

Here's where we cheat a little. I know Miaka gets sick and they go seek out that old bat whose name I can't spell and then Miaka goes home and Yui goes into the book and all that happens. However, for the sake of the Digimon production, we're cutting a whole bunch of that out and saying Yui never left the book and she's already in Kutou and the group is leaving Konan to find her. Kay?

            Davis got to ride the "horse" while T.K., Yolei, and Ken walked. Of course, our "horse" wasn't too happy with the outcome.

"Yeah, sure, I have to play the horse. Can you people not see the wings here?"

"Pegasusmon…" T.K. growled.

"Quiet, horse-pig," Yolei hissed. "You'll ruin it!"

Suddenly there was a straw hat just lying in the middle of the road. One of those big, Oriental, rice-paddy worker straw hats, just lying there doing absolutely nothing for the plot…or was it?

Izzy (with a little help from our special effects manager Wizardmon) managed to appear out of the hat.

"Hi there! I'm Koushiro. Wait, you're not going to Kutou, are you?"

"Yeah, we are. Gotta problem with that? Cuz you know, I just happen to be the Priestess of Suzaku, and these just happen to be three of the seven Stars."

"Blabbermouth," Ken muttered.

Izzy shrugged. "Well, I was going to tell you that Kutou declared war on Konan and it's dangerous to be traveling anywhere near there, but I guess you'll be fine, no da."

Izzy started to "disappear" into his hat, when Yolei picked it up and yanked the poor genius out by the hair.

            "Do you have a Chinese character on you, by any chance?"

Before the redhead could answer, a motley crew of ninjas as played by our digimon extras in their gijinka forms appeared, threatening our group. Izzy, getting his fifteen minutes of fame, used magic and stuff to combat the ninjas and sends them packing. A Chinese character appeared on him.

"YAY! I caught Koushiro!" Yolei cried, standing in an A*h victory pose.

"What does she think this is, some bishounen version of P***mon?" Davis muttered.

"Miyako, we shouldn't go to Kutou. It's a dangerous town and…" T.K. tried to explain.

"Oh Takeru, my love, you'll protect me from anything, won't you?"

T.K. started twitching, while Kari, backstage at the time, was snarling and foaming at the mouth like a rabid chipmunk.

"Wait, Kutou declared war on Konan?" Davis gasped. "I better get back to my palace and do emperorly things right away!"

"And I'm coming too, Dai-chan!" Ken added. "Besides, neither of us are in the next scene."

~*~

            "So Lady Miyako and her guardians Takeru and Koushiro rode to Kutou, where hopefully the Lady Kari would be…" Black Wargreymon has the easiest job. *sigh* To be like Black Wargreymon, standing there and narrating every so often.

Yolei stood outside the gate, which resembled the entrance to Disney World.

"So…you think I'll find #5 here?" she asked. Izzy frowned.

"No, you won't. And I still say this is a very bad idea, no da."

"Why?"

"Because none of the Suzaku Seven are allowed in there. It's the realm controlled by the god Seiryu, no da."

Noticing Yolei's blank expression, T.K. added, "It's like Azulongmon."

Yolei nodded, going through the turnstile into Kutou. Izzy and T.K. went to follow, but instead smacked into what appeared to be an invisible wall.

"See? There's a barrier," T.K. said, his face pressed against the wall.

Yolei heard none of this, skipping along and asking random people if they'd seen a girl dressed in similar clothes. T.K. unstuck his face and glanced at Izzy.

"You think you can get us in there, Koushiro?"

"It'll be a challenge, no da."

"Yes or no, Koushiro?"

"Probably."

            As Yolei walked along, minding anything but her own business, she crashed headlong into a tall figure clad in armor.

"Are you lost?" he questioned.

"Are you single?" Yolei retorted, the little hearts circling her head again.

The mysterious bishounen grabbed her by the arm and led her towards the palace.

This is great!! Yolei thought. All these bishies falling all over themselves to give me the royal treatment! The girls must be squirming!!!

Yes, the girls were indeed squirming. Even Davis and Ken were quite uncomfortable about the whole ordeal.

            "Emperor, this woman was wandering the streets."

"Hmm, General, do you think we have found our Priestess of Seiryu?" questioned the random, rather unattractive extra they had hired to play the Kutou emperor.

Just then a scroll fell out of Yolei's pocket. The general picked it up, gasping.

"This is the Konan version of the Universe of the Four Gods! She's not the Priestess of Seiryu, she's the Priestess of Suzaku!"

"I could've told you that!" Kari sneered, coming out of the shadows.

"Kari-chan!"

"Miyako?!"

Yolei ran over and gave her a big hug. "Kari-chan! I found you! I don't believe it! I never stopped looking, never, not even when I got sidetracked by a group of absolute bishounen…speaking of which, who's he?"

"Him? That's Yamato. Hey, I want to show you something. Come take a look!"

~*~

            "Lia, you and Nicki haven't shortened the story, you've totally dissected it!" Tai complained, waiting for Wizardmon to set up the special effects for the next scene.

"It's a parody, get used to it."

"But what will the people who've never seen the show think?" Cody pointed out.

Nicki turned around in her chair, trying not to lose her ice cream. "They won't have it spoiled for them. Besides, cutting out a ton of stuff means Yolei doesn't get to do half the things Kari could've."

"Oh."

~*~

            Kari led Yolei into a darkened room, lighting a candle by the door. Yolei squealed.

"EEE! A dragon!"

"Moron. That's Seiryu, the god of Kutou. And I'm his priestess. I'm going to find the Seven Stars of Seiryu and kick your sorry ass for ruining my big production! I was supposed to be Miaka, not you! I was supposed to be rescued by T.K. and not you! YAMATO!"

Matt appeared out of nowhere, bowing. "You called, Lady Kari?"

Kari pointed a finger at Yolei. "Destroy her!"

Matt cracked his knuckles enthusiastically, a blue character appearing on his forehead.

Get it? The Suzaku Seven have red, the Seiryu Seven have blue.

"I've been waiting to get back at you for some time now. Cuff me to a rotating bed, ha."

Suddenly Izzy popped into the room through the walls, Shadowmon style.

"You're not touching her!"

"Wha? Wait a minute, how did you get through the barrier?"

Izzy shrugged. "Plot hole in the original series? Or maybe just because I'm so fabulous. Hurry up and get Lady Miyako out of here, Takeru!"

No, T.K. (who had popped in with Izzy) was more concerned with wailing on his older brother than rescuing the bespectacled harlot.

Izzy shrugged. "Oh well, he has to get captured anyways. C'mon, Miyako, we're blowing this pop stand, no da."

Yolei and Izzy jumped into the hat, leaving T.K. in the hands of the enemy.

T.K. hugged his brother, then Kari. "I'm safe! Thank you thank you thank you thank you!"

~*~

            The scene conveniently jumps to back at Konan Palace.

"Takeru's been captured by one of the Stars of Seiryu? This is terrible!" Davis shouted.

Yolei was in a state of hysteria, hiccupping and sobbing wretchedly. "My love, my Takeru…"

Ken rolled his eyes. "Wait, how did you get back here, Miyako?"

"Through Koushiro's magic hat!" Yolei replied.

"Weird."

"Better weird than gay, no da." Izzy retorted. Ken glared at him venomously, folding his arms across his chest.

Davis pouted. "As emperor, I can't leave, but I've got to protect Miyako…as scary as that is."

Yolei stuck her tongue out at him.

Izzy grinned. "I can make myself look just like you, Daisuke, and I'll take your place while you and Ken help Miyako!"

Izzy magically transformed into Davis, right down to the wardrobe. Davis sweatdropped.

"I'm much sexier than that! You did it wrong!"

The rest of the cast, backstage and elsewhere, started twitching.

~*~

            To make a long story somewhat shorter, Yolei, Davis, and Ken got captured by bandits on their long ride around on the horse-pig. Yolei insisted she was taken to the leader of the bandits, while Ken and Davis remained with the flunkeys, pretending to be girls…well, Ken didn't have to pretend as much.

"You're such a beautiful woman!" one of the weird extras Nicki hired cooed, huggling Davis's leg.

"I am beautiful, aren't I?"

Ken sighed. "I thought I was supposed to be the feminine one."

So Yolei is hauled in before the Big Kahuna, who would be our pal Taichi.

"You're the boss around here?" she questioned.

"Yes, you impertinent little fiend. I'm Taichi, head bandit and president of the Big-Hair Club for Men. I'm not only the president, but I'm a client as well."

"You have a Chinese character on you somewhere?"

"Dunno…but I have an iron fan that shoots fire and paper charms that'll make anything you write on them appear."

"Really? So if I write 'cheeseburger' it'll be a cheeseburger?"

"Yeah, but not a real cheeseburger. Stand back."

Yolei blinked. "Why?"

"Because the bandits are going to fight me in three…two…one…"

            A hoard of extras trampled onto the set, brandishing rubber weapons and carrying the two Stars, a couple of men clinging to them.

"Miyako! Thank Kami-sama we found you…get off of me, I have a boyfriend already!" Ken shouted, kicking an extra who was glomping his leg.

Yolei pilfered one of Tai's magic papers, scribbling something on it. The bandits fought the two guardians and Tai, and one of the crazed extras grabbed Yolei.

"Lemme go! Lemme go!" she squealed, trying to kick him in the groin. "How dare you call yourselves…"

"How dare you call yourselves extras," came a voice as Takeru suddenly appeared before them. He, using the powers of being Tamahome, beat the fluff out of the extras before disappearing. Yolei started huggling the piece of paper she had written his name on.

"Oh Takeru, my love…"

Davis and Tai started gagging. Ken noticed Tai's glowing forearm.

"We got another constellation here!"

"Only two more and I'll have caught 'em all!" Yolei chirped.

~*~

            While prepping for the next scene, which was heavy on the special effects, Gatomon minced her way over to the directors' chairs.

"How in the world did you get those extras to be so violent?" she questioned.

"Simple," Nicki replied. "We gave them prune juice from the Hida house."

"Cody said we weren't allowed to touch the drinkable yogurt," Lia added.

Gatomon nodded and took off, probably to sit backstage with Mimi and Sora, who were on their thirty-seventh coffee break.

Willis handed Nicki a clipboard. "Here, I thought you should look at this."

Nicki frowned. "Really? This was missing from the script? Damn. Lia, go have someone get Mimi. She's needed in the next scene."

Lia nodded and snapped her fingers, sending Lopmon careening towards the wardrobe department, where Mimi and Sora were most likely hiding in a closet with iced coffees, trying to escape the insanity and stop the madness.

Lia turned to Nicki. "Maybe we can kill Yolei now, I can throw on a wig and some fake glasses and take her place, and nobody would be the wiser."

"Tempting…very tempting."

~*~

            Riding around aimlessly, Yolei and her little group came upon a deserted town. Yolei suddenly fell off the horse-pig, rolling around on the ground and moaning.

"Great, the fabulous Lady Miyako is sick," Tai moaned. "What more could go wrong?"

Rotting corpses sprang from the ground, chanting, "Give us your brains…give us your hearts…or maybe just your spleens…we'll even settle for that little hangy-ball thing in the back of your throat."

"Okay, so we're surrounded by zombies," Davis sighed. "Does my hair look okay?"

Ken rolled his eyes, picked up the nearest boulder one-handed, and used it to squash some of the living dead.

Gee, doesn't that sound redundant?

Matt, don't interrupt. You get another scene coming up so just shut up and watch.

Tai opened up his iron fan, which is surprisingly lightweight for an iron fan, and torched the corpses.

            "We have to get Lady Miyako to a doctor, or something, before she dies!" Tai pointed out, throwing Yolei across the saddle.

Ken leaned over to Davis, whispering, "I hope she does die, don't you, Davy?"

"Yeah! Cuz then maybe Lia or Nicki would take over and they're much better actresses and Kari wouldn't get all evilish every time Yolei mentions how much she loooooves T.O.M.G."

Mimi ran out of a nearby hovel, looking stunning in her pink kimono. "I can help! Hurry, get her inside!"

~*~

            "See, for a while now, there's been this plague going around our village. I can't cure it, but anyone who dies of the plague, I can bring back to life!" Mimi explained, lying Yolei down on the bed.

"You think she's one of us?" Davis whispered to Tai, who shrugged.

"If you kill the Priestess, I can bring her right back to life!"

"Let's kill her!" Ken and Davis cried enthusiastically.

Tai put up a hand in caution. "You know what'll happen if we kill her. The CEOs will can us for sure…not that we're even really on anymore, but still…"

"There's got to be a healer around here somewhere. A real healer," Yolei coughed.

            So, leaving Yolei with Mimi, the guys hopped up onto the horse-pig and searched for a healer. They ended up outside of town, near a rundown shack where a decrepit hobo of a man lived with a million cats.

"Are you a healer?" Davis questioned.

"No, I'm a veterinarian. Go away," the scary guy barked.

"Please help us. The Priestess of Suzaku contracted the disease everybody around here is dying from, and you're the only one who can help her," Ken begged, looking absolutely adorable.

"No. Take a hike."

"You know, Daisuke, you are the emperor. You don't have to take this," Tai pointed out.

"Nah, let's go back to Mimi and kill her. It'll be quicker."

"Wait, did you say Mimi?" the guy asked.

"Yeah, why?" they answered in unison.

"Mimi died over a year ago!"

"EH?!"

            Back at the ranch, Yolei was snoring…er, sleeping. Mimi crept up to the bed, brandishing a big ol' meat cleaver.

"Well, if your friends aren't going to kill you, I guess I'll do it for them!"

However, Yolei instinctively dodged the blade every time, rolling over and moving in the most awkward of positions so that Mimi's knife hit mattress every time.

"Hold it right there, deadbeat!" Davis cried as he, Ken, and Tai burst into the room.

"We know you're not really a healer! You're…you're…" Tai struggled to find the proper words.

"Evil incarnate?" Ken suggested.

"Yeah!"

Mimi turned into a hideous zombie-ish thing as the house filled with more zombies. The generally pink-haired girl grabbed Yolei by the throat, holding the cleaver to her jugular.

            "Mimi, stop!" came a cry. Joe, dressed to the nines in a healer's kimono and no longer looking decrepit, with Shadowmon on his shoulder, suddenly appeared.

"Whoa, you're the guy from the woods!" the bishies cried.

"See, Mimi was my girlfriend, and I loved her very much. But one day she came down with the plague, and while I was out of town doing a house call she died. I wanted to be there, but I came too late." He narrowed his eyes at her from behind the old wire-rims. "And now you've been possessed, walking among the living, pretending to bring people back from death when all you do is make them your zombies. I'll bet you my digivice you're causing the plague."

A giant monster burst from Mimi's back (all thanks to special effects).

"Kill it, Jyou! Kill the monster and free the townsfolk!"

"Great healing…wait, that's all Mitsukake has? Great healing power?!"

The directors nodded.

"Oh. Great healing power!"

The monster exploded in a burst of pea soup and V8. Yolei was cured of her ailments, the zombies went away.

~*~

            "Lia, what are you and Nicki doing about Chiriko? The real one doesn't come in for a while! The one they find in the woods is an imposter, one of the Seiryu Seven in disguise!" Sora pointed out, helping Mimi wipe off the pea soup.

"Well…Willis can do it!"

Cody pouted. "But I wanted to be in it! Everyone else besides Sora got to!"

Nicki patted him on the head like a whiny drop-kick dog. "You'll get your turn."

~*~

            The nearly complete team of the Suzaku Seven started heading back to the palace, where Izzy was bored out of his skull pretending to be Davis. Just then Yolei cocked her head up, glancing around.

"What?" Joe questioned, rubbing Shadowmon behind her ears.

"I heard something. Like a flute."

"Yeah, right. You're probably hallucinating. I bet you and your Flint the Time Detective counterpart go trip on acid frequently," Davis retorted. Yolei grabbed him by the collar and shook him, hard.

"O-o-kay! I g-gi-give u-u-u-p!"

Yolei then hopped down off the horse-pig and wandered off in the direction of the flute music. Ken, huggling Davis and making sure the spectacled wench didn't injure him, glanced up at her.

"Lady Miyako, it's probably not a good idea to be running off into the forest alone."

Yolei flipped him off, continuing on her merry way.

            Just then a swarm of bat-pigs (Patamon's relations) surrounded her and started glomping her. The lavender-haired heroine shrieked, the guys ignored her, Tai pulling out a deck of cards. The bat-pigs were, of course, sent from Kutou and the Seiryu folk.

~*~

            "Bat-pigs?!" Matt cried. "You're attacking the Priestess of Suzaku with bat-pigs?! How inane are you?"

Kari filed her nails. "Your blood pressure, Yamato. Now, be a doll and come up with a way so that Takeru is mine forever. We can't have Miyako getting what she wants."

Matt nodded. "Of course, Lady Kari."

Kari then turned to her "prisoner" T.K., who was sitting on the bed with a piña colada.

"Enjoying yourself?"

T.K. sighed. "You know Miyako's going to end up getting me, right?"

Kari pouted, glancing down at her nails and tossing her emery board aside. "I believe I shall prevent that, Takeru, Star of Suzaku. You'll be mine, end of story."

~*~

            Suddenly there was a shrill sound, causing the bat-pigs to crash into trees and knock themselves unconscious. Yolei, who had been covering her head with her arms, looked up to find the bat-pigs twitching on the ground.

The rest of the Stars hurried over to see what was going on. Well, not exactly hurried. More like trudged.

"Man, looks like you went on a Patamon killing spree. What'd the hell happened?" Davis asked. Yolei shrugged.

Willis ambled out from behind a bunch of trees, carrying a flute vaguely resembling Archnemon's evil insect-controlling flute thingy.

"Hi! I'm Willis! You should be safe now, I used my flute to confuse the bat-pigs' sonar frequency."

Joe pointed to the Chinese character on his leg. "Looks like he's our last one."

Yolei held up her fingers in her 'perfecto' sign. "We caught 'em all! Let's go get Koushiro and save Takeru and summon Suzaku so I can have my wishes!"

Of course, we all know (because we're all so intelligent) that Willis isn't the real Chiriko. The real Chiriko (as played by Cody) is a thirteen-year-old boy who looks like an eight-year-old girl.

~*~

            "You're back! I was getting so bored, no da! Your job sucks, Daisuke!" Izzy cried, returning to his original form. "Say, where's Takeru?"

Yolei started sniffling. "H-he's b-b-been…captured!"

"I'm going off to do emperorly things. I'll be back in a few scenes. Maybe," Davis said.

Izzy pointed to Tai, Joe, and Willis. "Who're they?"

Yolei brightened. "The last three Stars of Suzaku! Koushiro, meet Taichi, Jyou, and Willis!"

I know in Japan Willis is Wallace, but hey, this is my story and I'm sticking to it.

"They're a big improvement over the gay guy, no da."

Ken glowered. "I never liked you, you know that?"

            "Lady Miyako, you want to talk to Takeru?"

"Of course! I have to know if he's all right!"

"Well, I can use my magic to rig up a wall and make it so you two can see and talk to each other, no da."

Yolei started glomping Izzy. "You're the best, Koushiro!" Nicki glowered, Izzy sweatdropped profusely, and Shadowmon cringed.

A musical montage later, Yolei had primped herself up just to sit in front of a wall. Izzy, enabled to work all magic with the help of special effects monster Wizardmon, magically made the wall show the image of T.K. sitting in Kari's room in the Kutou palace.

"Miyako?!"

"Takeru!!" Yolei ran towards our little blonde friend to glomp him and smacked into the wall. On the Kutou side, T.K. was staring at Yolei, pressed against the wall bug-on-the-windshield style.

            "Are you all right, Takeru, my love?"

"Yolei, knock it off with the 'my love' crap. It's annoying!" he hissed under his breath.

Yolei kept going. "You look like you've been hurt. Did that turkey Yamato do that to you?"

"I thought you were going off to find the rest of the warriors."

"Oh, I found them all. We met Taichi, Jyou, and Willis not long after you got captured. We can summon Suzaku now and all our dreams can come true."

"Make it snappy, Miyako, I can't hold it up much longer, no da," Izzy said.

"I'm coming to save you, Takeru."

"What?! You'll get killed!"

"I don't care! I love you!"

Lia and Nicki winced from their chairs. Nicki leaned over and muttered, "Let's hope Gatomon is restraining Kari right now or it'll be an all out…"

            Kari came flying onto the set, shrieking like a fiend.

"You were saying?" Lia muttered back.

"HOW DARE YOU, MIYAKO INOUE! T.K. IS MY BOYFRIEND! DON'T YOU DARE SAY THAT TO HIM!"

"I CAN SAY WHATEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE BECAUSE I'M THE STAR AND YOU'RE JUST A SECOND-RATE WHORE IN THIS STORY, YOU SPANDEX-WEARING HOOKER!"

T.K. and Izzy, trapped on the set, stood there and sweatdropped.

Tai and the others came over and sat with the directors, Matt shaking a bag of microwave popcorn.

"This is going to be one hell of a catfight," Mimi stated, filing her nails.

Cody picked up a little gong and struck it.

            "I HATE YOU, MIYAKO! I'VE ALWAYS HATED YOU! I NEVER WANTED TO BE YOUR DNA DIGIVOLVE PARTNER IN THE FIRST PLACE! I WANTED YOU TO FALL OFF THAT DAMN CLIFF!" Kari shrieked, glowing white-hot. Davis pulled out a handful of dowels and a bag of marshmallows.

"Anyone for a s'more?"

Random Numemon scuttled into the audience, chanting, "Queen Kari, Queen Kari…"

Yolei ran offstage, returning with Willis's Chiriko flute and whacking Kari upside the head with it.

Bleeding from her head wound and glowing like Chernobyl, Kari took off and returned with the iron fan of Tasuki, repeatedly bludgeoning Yolei with it.

"Fifty bucks says Kari grabs the sword and runs Yolei through," Nicki said.

"You're on," Matt replied, going into his back pocket for his wallet.

Shadowmon popped up, glowering as only a cat digimon can. "Why didn't I get to do anything? You cast me and all I did was sit on Joe's shoulder for one lousy scene!"

"Well you would've had more screen time if the show hadn't erupted into that," Izzy gestured at the fight.

            Yolei dropped the flute and ran to get Chichiri's staff thingy, whacking Kari wherever she could. Both girls were starting to bleed heavily. Joe sighed.

"I'll go get the first aid kit."

Kari tossed the fan away and picked up one of the huge rapiers belonging to Hotohori.

"Where's that fifty, BakaYama?" Nicki thundered.

"She hasn't run Yolei through yet! She has to run her through!" Matt protested, yanking his wallet out of reach.

"Shouldn't we be stopping this?" Cody questioned, being the upstanding citizen he is.

"Hell no! The cameras are still rolling!" Lia retorted, pointing to the little red light on a nearby camera.

"And if Yolei dies?" Hawkmon inquired.

"The world will be a better place for bishounen," Ken stated, testing his marshmallow for done-ness.

            Suddenly there was a high, shrill sound erupting from somewhere. Yolei and Kari ran towards each other, crashed head on, and fell over unconscious. Wizardmon, Wormmon, Tentomon and Black Wargreymon hopped down out of the control booth, Wizardmon holding Archnemon's flute of the doom.

"What? I was getting tired of this. Besides, the CEO's just faxed us," the short wizard said stoically.

"They said that they need the copy of this right away, and then we have to get started on the next feature film. Ah, to be on vacation and have no worries except whether or not you put on enough sunscreen," Black Wargreymon sighed.

"And that is…?" Sora queried.

"Batpig. They have plans for Oh My Goddess, Gundam Wing and Ranma ½ too," Wormmon mentioned.

Lia slumped in her chair. "Goddamn, when are we ever getting a break? Okay, BWG, take it home."

"WAIT!!!"

Nicki and Lia turned, noticing their former classmate Nall hurtling towards the set.

"Sherman, what?" Nicki snapped.

"I didn't get to see Annie's latest tapes and you guys did! What happened after the screen thing?"

            Palmon cleared her throat. "Miaka and Tamahome make plans to meet in the Kutou palace by a tree in the garden. Yui and Nakago drug Tamahome so he's all evil. Miaka, Tasuki, and Chichiri go back to Kutou to meet up with Tamahome. They get separated, Miaka ends up finding Yui and Tamahome. Tamahome tries to kill Miaka, Miaka ends up in the dungeon. Mitsukake's cat comes out of Miaka's skirt and helps her escape. Nakago captures Miaka and hauls her outside, where Tasuki and Chichiri are tied up. But it's not really Nakago, it's Chichiri disguised as Nakago and the other Chichiri is a fake. Tasuki is real and really tied up. Miaka runs off and tries to find Tamahome cuz she knows if she shows him the letter he'll be all back to normal. Then that end credit music pops up."

Nall blinked. "Oh. Okay! See you guys later!"

Davis started banging his head against a nearby wall. "This was such a disaster, man. I don't know how it could get any worse."

"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the nonexistent eighth Star of Su…Suza…Susie Sunshine! I am Batpig!"

"And we're the Austin Powers Trio, baby! Protecting the groovy from the squares trying to ruin good anime everywhere!"

Everyone (who was conscious) glared at Davis.

"You just had to open your big mouth," T.K. snapped.

            Black Wargreymon walked over to the camera, still stuck on record.

"Will Tamahome and the Lady Miaka be reunited in love or hatred? Will the Lady Yui succeed? Will they be able to summon Suzaku? Find out eventually on Digimon: Digital…oh, sorry, wrong show. Find out after a bunch of tapes of Fushigi Yuugi: The Mysterious Play!"

~*~

Kari and Yolei are still dead. The end.

~*~

Wow. That got crazy. I don't know where that one came from.

I liked the catfight! And wearing the armor!

Mmm. Armor. Yes, the armor was definitely my favorite part.

Apologies go out to the Yolei fans…all three of you.

Please review. I'm begging. I'm pleading. I'll ship you all my gimp. Just send something!