OK, a quick note. When you see a word in italics, that means that the word is supposed to have a line through it. Try, to remember, k?
Leon: I remember that incident in Raccoon City 6 years ago…I showed up on my first day as a cop and the whole fuckin' city was zombie-infested…it really sucked. The government took care of the threat before it could spread.
Government dude: Mr. President, Raccoon City is full of zombies. What should we do?
President: Sell tickets!
Government dude: …
President: No? Then we'll go to Plan B. BOMB 'EM!
Bomb (nukes entire city)
Zombies: WHAT ABOUT OUR RIGHTS!?
Zombies (all die)
Leon: Nice. Anyway, I'm a government agent now. I have a new haircut and a sexy deep man voice which are supposed to show that I've changed over the last six years.
Spanish Cop#1: Ssip ot evah i. (I have to piss.)
Car (stops so Spanish Cop#1 can pee)
Spanish Cop#1: Damn it's cold. My testicles are like peas!
Something evil (evilly watches cop peeing)
Spanish Cop#1: …OMG is something watching me?
Leon (in car): I am SO bigger than him.
Spanish Cop#1 (gets back in car and drives Leon to village of assholes)
Spanish Cop#1: OK, get out.
Leon: Fine.
Spanish Cop#2: We're going to wait here, because it's not like that big truck over there will suddenly start up and knock our car into the ravine and force us to try and flee on foot and wind up dead or anything.
Leon: …what?
Spanish Cop#2: We don't want a parking ticket.
Spanish Cop#1: (witch cackle)
Leon (mutters): Freaks.
Spanish Cop#2: WHAT'D YOU SAY?
Leon (acts all ultra-cool government agent man and walks toward house up ahead)
Creeper in house who's watching Leon from a window: Poc a, this! Esuoh ym ni senob namuh eht nrub ot evah ll'I won! (Shit, a cop! Now I'll have to burn the human bones in my house!)
Leon (enters house and sees Creeper)
Leon: Excuse me.
Creeper (pretends not to hear Leon so he can shovel human bones into the fireplace)
Leon (sighs and walk up to Creeper)
Leon: Excuse. ME.
Creeper (stops and turns around to face Leon all creepy-like)
Scary music (screeches)
Leon: WTF? Um, anyway, have you seen this girl?
Leon (holds out picture of a blonde rat monkey girl)
Creeper: Gnoid uoy era kcuf eht tahw!? Esuoh ym fo tuo teg! (WTF are you doing!? Get out of my house!)
Leon: Ew. Creeper.
Leon (turns around and tucks picture into pocket)
Creeper (picks up axe)
Leon (hears Creeper and turns around)
Creeper: I AXE YOU!
Leon (judo-rolls to safety)
Creeper (misses Leon)
Leon (pulls out gun)
Leon: FREEZE!
Creeper (doesn't freeze)
Leon: I SAID FREEZE!
Creeper (creeps toward Leon with axe)
Leon (shoots Creeper in the face)
Creeper (falls to the floor and stops moving after crying like a baby)
Leon (hears Creepers and a Creeper truck outside, runs over to window and peeks out to see Creepers and their Creeper truck outside)
Creeper truck (knocks Spanish cop car into ravine)
Creepers (surround house)
Leon: Shit! OK, I can probably kill them all if I'm quiet.
Leon (jumps out a window whose glass shatters REALLY loud)
Creepers (all look at Leon and creep toward him)
Leon: How'd they find me!?
Leon (kills the Creepers, but gets shanked by a pitchfork once or twice)
Leon's radio: PUHKSSHT!
Leon: Hello?
Hunnigan: Hi, I'll be your dominatrix communicator.
Leon: Wow. And here I thought Ingrid Hunnigan sounded like a witchy old schoolteacher.
Hunnigan: You're a dick.
Leon: Least my name doesn't suck.
Hunnigan: Whatever. I'm just calling to see what your current situation is.
Leon: I just killed, like, four Creepers.
Hunnigan: Oh SMOOTH.
Leon: What? They tried to kill me first!
Hunnigan: I'm so sure.
Leon: Listen, hor. If you actually went outside into the real world once in a while, you'd believe me.
Hunnigan: Just find the President's daughter.
Hunnigan (hangs up)
Leon (walks down path)
Wolf (whimpers all heart-wrenchingly)
Leon: Poor BABY!
Wolf (is caught in a bear trap)
Leon: OMG I must help it!
Leon (frees wolf)
Leon: Wanna hug?
Wolf (limps off)
Leon: Yay, that's my good deed for the day. Now I can blast Creepers without remorse.
Leon (goes down path and kills a Creeper who screams at him)
Leon: And your hat's ugly, too.
Leon (goes into a little wooden shack up ahead)
Woman villager's corpse (is shanked in the head with a pitchfork and hanging on the wall of the shack)
Woman villager's corpse's blood (drips)
Leon: …maybe I should call Hunnigan and tell her to tell the President that his daughter is fucked.
Leon (goes down path and kills, like…2 or 3 Creepers, including a stealthy Creeper who's hiding in another wooden shack)
Leon: Don't mess with Scott or you'll get shot!
Creeper (dying): Lord Saddler…
Leon: Lord Saddle Her? Sounds kinky.
Leon (crosses bridge)
3 Creepers on a hill (spot Leon and run off to warn the rest of the Creepers)
Leon: Aw fucks.
Leon (enters village)
Leon's radio: PUHKSSHT!
Leon: Jesus, radio, I don't think the Creeper at the top of the watchtower heard you!
Radio: Sorry.
Leon (answers radio)
Hunnigan: Hi, I'm assuming you're doing pretty badly so I'm sending you a Playing Manual.
Leon: What do you think this is, a video game or something?
Hunnigan: Oh please. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. By the way, Leon, this is a stealth mission. Try not to let anyone see you, ok?
Leon: Check. Leon out.
Leon (hangs up)
Leon: Hm, better scope out the village with my super secret binoculars.
Leon (checks out the village with his super secret binoculars)
Village (looks normal except for the part where there's the corpse of a Spanish Cop on a spike burning in the middle of town)
Leon: …OMG I am so going to die.
Leon (puts away binoculars)
Leon: Hm, how should I go about this?
Hunnigan's voice echoing in Leon's head: Remember, Leon. This is a stealth mission. Try not to let anyone see you.
Leon: Right.
Creepers (are all pretending to do their work and be normal instead of assholes)
Leon (snipes one right in the head with his Handgun)
All 5 Creepers (magically detect Leon's location, point towards him, and yell some babble)
Leon: This is SO rigged.
Leon (shoots all 5 Creepers)
Leon: Woot! That was easy!
5 more Creepers (appear out of nowhere)
Leon: OMG they're witches!
Creepers: Garrrgh!
Leon: I'm going to run into this two-story house with the open door to avoid getting swarmed!
Leon (runs into house)
Outside (10 more Creepers appear along with a Chainsaw Maniac)
Leon (hearing the chainsaw): OH FUCKS.
Leon (closes the door and barricades everything, then runs upstairs and grabs a Shotgun, a grenade, and a pussy amount of Pesetas and then jumps out an open window and hides far back on the roof like a little sissy coward)
Leon: OMG, what should I DO?
Hunnigan's voice (echoing): Stealth…
Leon: Oh, right.
Leon (knocks all the ladders down while the Creepers are climbing them)
Leon (at the top of his lungs): YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE, MOTHERFUCKERS!
Some bell (rings just as Leon was about to get his head chainsawed off)
All the Creepers: Lord Saddler…Church…Bingo…
All the Creepers (go to church)
Leon (is alone in the village)
Leon: OK, time for a witty line. Where's everyone going? Bingo?
Corpse of Spanish Cop: Dude, shut up. You're not cool.
Leon: Fuck you and your dead ass.
Leon's radio: PUHKSSHT!
Leon: I swear to God, radio, I'm going to pop you right in the head if you're not quieter.
Radio (cries)
Hunnigan: Leon, we have some new info.
Leon: All the Creepers left to go play bingo or something.
Hunnigan: Yeah, whatever. There's a path next to the watchtower. Take it. It leads to the church where we think Ashley is being held.
Leon: I won't have to run from a boulder Indiana Jones-style, will I?
Hunnigan: …Agent Kennedy, stop eating green herbs.
Hunnigan (hangs up)
Leon: grumblegrumblestupidgrumblegrumpnamesoundslikea50yearoldschoolteachergrumble
Leon (goes through door to the Farm)
Something blue (is shiny)
Leon: OOH!
Blue medallion: Shoot 10 of me and you'll get a free gun!
Leon: Awesome.
Something sparkly (is hanging over a well of shit-water)
Leon: Hm.
Leon (closes lid and shoots shiny thing)
Shiny thing (is worth a lot of money)
Leon: Yes!
A Creeper pretending to move hay with a pitchfork: Gargablahblah!
Another Creeper (stalks toward Leon)
Leon: Why don't you have any LIVES!?
Leon (kills the 2 Creepers)
Chicken (lays an egg)
Leon: Ooh!
Leon (picks up white egg)
Leon: Cool. What do I do with this?
Egg: You use me to recover health.
Leon: You're shittin' me. I ain't eatin' no raw egg!
Chicken (lays another egg)
Leon: Hey, this one's brown!
Chicken (lays a shiny egg)
Leon: Wait…it's gold? It can't be real.
Leon (bites egg)
Leon's tooth (chips)
Leon: OK. It's real.
2 Creepers (are pretending to be normal)
Leon: Fakers.
Leon (kills the 2 Creepers)
An axe (shanks Leon in the back)
Leon: AW WTF!?
Leon (turns around)
Creeper bastard (is on the upper level of the barn holding another axe to throw at Leon)
Leon (shoots him in the head)
Creeper (screams and falls, landing right on his head)
Leon: K, he's dead. I guess.
Leon (loots the farm and shoots shiny blue things)
Leon: OK, moving on.
Leon (enters a suspiciously empty area with stairs leading downhill)
Leon (suspiciously): Hm.
Big-ass boulder (looks innocent)
Leon (starts going downhill)
3 Creepers (appear out of nowhere and push the boulder so it rolls after Leon)
Leon: Oh MOTHER—
Leon (runs from the boulder Indiana Jones-style and dodges out of the way)
Boulder (misses Leon)
Leon's undies (are wet)
Leon: K. Moving on.
Leon (enters short tunnel)
Sparklys (sparkle on the ceiling)
Leon: Ooh!
Leon (shoots the sparklys and takes them)
Bats (get in Leon's face)
Leon: Get out of my GRILL, HORS!
Leon (knifes all the bats)
Leon: That'll teach 'em.
Creeper (is up ahead just standing there)
Leon: Hm.
Leon (walks forward)
Creeper (takes out a stuck of dynamite, lights it, and chucks it at Leon)
Leon: OMG that is so cheating!
Leon (runs)
Creeper (runs like a puss into the safety of a nearby cabin where 2 other Creepers with dynamite are)
Leon: OK, I need a plan. Lemme look at the landscape.
The landscape (has a shitload of bear traps, one of those TNT-trigger trap things, 2 small shitty cabins and 1 big house, and about 4 Creepers)
Leon: I think Mr. Handgun can take care of this.
Leon (lets dynamite people blow the bear traps shut, explode the TNT-trigger trap thing, and blow each other up)
Leon: Awesome. Lootin' time.
Leon (loots the entire area)
Leon: Hm, I wonder what's in this big shitty house.
Leon (goes in house and starts looting stuff)
Creepy banging noise (bangs)
Leon: Um…what is that?
Leon (saves on the typewriter just in case the banging noise is a monster that wants to kick his ass)
TNT-trigger trap thing (is sinister)
Leon: Hey, WTF is that doing in a house?
Leon (explodes is from a distance)
Leon: OK, all clear.
Leon (goes into the next room and sees ANOTHER TNT-trigger trap thing)
Leon: There better be something VALUABLE in here.
Leon (loots a little more then goes upstairs)
Big-ass cupboard (is making the creepy banging noise)
Leon: Hm. Do I want to open this?
Cupboard (bangs loudly)
Leon: All right, jeez.
Leon (opens cupboard)
Some tied-up guy with duct tape on his mouth (falls out)
Leon: FREEZE!
Tied-up guy (tries to talk through the duct tape and wiggles)
Leon: Why are you shaking your head? If you're trying to start a game of Charades, I'll pop you right in the eye. I hate that game.
Tied-up guy: MMMMPH!
Leon: Hold on, I can't hear you.
Leon (rips the duct tape off)
Tied-up guy: OW!
Leon (thinking): Wait, the bad guys tied him up, so he must be good, right?
Tied-up guy: What are you, a cop?
Leon (untying him): You're not supposed to say that until the replay game where I wear my old RPD cop uniform.
Tied-up guy: Um, k. I'm Luis.
Leon: What's going on here?
Luis: I have no clue because I totally did not do any research whatsoever about the parasites that have infected everyone.
Leon: Bummer. I have to find someone who can help me find out what happened. I'm Leon, by the way.
Big Creeper (stalks in with 2 mini Creepers)
Luis: Aw, man.
Leon (doesn't know that this is the Village Douche who's a badass)
Leon: I GO KARATE ON YOU!
Leon (tries to kick Village Douche)
Village Douche (grabs Leon's foot and flings him back)
Leon (lands on Luis)
Luis x Leon fangirls (squeal)
Luis: OW! You're crushing my arm, cop!
Leon: Shut up!
Luis and Leon (pass out)
END OF SECTION 1-1