We watched the film. We read the script (you can get it off amazon for £1.77). We enjoyed it; it made us laugh. A lot. And then we decided to take the mick out of it, because it's funny.
Flame us if you must - all you want, in fact - but bear in mind that we... well, we just don't really care. We had fun. That's the important thing, right?
(grins)
DISCLAIMER: We don't own Alex Rider. We don't own the film, or the book.
Well, yes, we do. But we don't own the rights to the film or the book.
The credits for 'Entertainment Film Distributors'. We sit and wait for the actual scenes to come up, thinking that, hey, if Entertainment Film Distributors are in on it, it must be good, and so settle ourselves in for a film of Lord of the Rings quality.
We're soon disappointed.
The twinkling music continues.
Outside our window, birds twitter, crickets sing, children laugh in play, and it all sounds very Disney Movie ™.
A little of my will to live goes flying out of said window.
A moment of blessed silence.
Another sponsor, or company, or producer, or whoever, pops up. "Isle of Man Film". How can they create films on the Isle of Man? They barely have men on the Isle of Man, and even those are still faintly Neanderthal. I thought the only population of the Isle of Man consisted of sheep and rocks, interspersed with the occasional hermit. But, no, it is not so! There is a big shiny film company there, too!
And, apparently, they made Stormbreaker. W00t.
And, back on track.
ANOTHER BLOODY SPONSOR, OR WHATEVER. HOW MANY SPONSORS – OR WHATEVER – DOES ONE FILM NEED?!
A teacher's voice comes out of the darkness. I wish my teachers taught in darkness. They're not – how to say this? – the prettiest of mortals.
Yea, those who taught in the valley of darkness have seen a great light. And upon them the light hath shone, revealing their appalling dress sense, rather large noses, and unplucked eyebrows.
Sorry. It's just – this film couldn't keep the attention of an MI6 codebreaker, let alone Phyllis and me. Dorothea, that is.
ANOTHER DAMN PRODUCER/SPONSOR/COMPANY/LESSER SPOTTED TWIT. 'Samuelson Productions'. Who was Samuel, and why, for the love of God, did he want to set up a production company?
But, once more, I digress.
Dimly, we can see children, blurred as if the teacher is seeing them through an opium-induced haze.
Well, in all honesty, if I taught in a school in central London, I'd take opium. Hell, I'd take whatever I could get.
Argh! Close up of a teachers torso! Oooh, rather good looking…
OK. Back on track now. Really.
OK, we can now see the children clearly. Dammit, they looked prettier blurred. Why do they all look so bored? I mean, yeah, it's school, but… OK, yeah, it's school.
The teacher asks that age old question 'what is it that makes us what we are?'. I think he may be overestimating their abilities somewhat. These kids look so bored, I don't think they could answer if you asked them what their names are.
And, another damn production company. Did someone think, 'ooh, here's a way to make our film look half-way decent, we'll get lots of producers/companies/camels/sponsors!'.
Here's a tip, to whoever thought that: Didn't work, love.
Ooh, a gormless red head. He reminds me of Phyllis.
I don't have red hair.
No, Phyllis, but then, you don't have much, now do you darling? Time and Space, for you, are things which exist between your ears.
The gormless red-head – I shall call him Phyllis II…
That's a girls name.
Yes, Phyll, so you claim. Anyway, Phyllis II just whacked a rather good looking boy round the head? Is this Alex Rider? Apparently not. That part is reserved for someone prettier, and with markedly less acting ability.
Oh, sorry.
I mean, for Alex Pettyfer.
Well, at least he never had difficulty remembering the name of his character. Though, I wouldn't put it past him to try.
The teacher keeps asking mindless questions, which go on for long enough for us to span round the entire class. I don't know exactly what we're supposed to find so interesting about a bunch of fourteen year olds, but apparently, we are. And, let's face it, compared with the questions being asked, they're positively riveting.
Ah. The love interest has appeared on screen. Let's hit her.
She looks soigné and gorgeous, fresh, like she hasn't just spent a day at school, and I'm sure that as long as she keeps her mouth shut, she's a very good actor. We might even forgive her for overdosing on eyeliner that morning.
But not for those eyebrows. They are an unforgivable sin.
Ew, is the ugly boy Alex Rider?
No, Phyllis. He's not. They're trying to fool us.
I hope to God that they're trying to fool us, anyway.
Oh, the boy who so couldn't be fourteen is obviously Alex Rider. Because, they couldn't possibly allow an actual fourteen year old loose on the part of Alex Rider.
Unfortunately, they let him loose on it. I'm torn between which is worse.
Who's a pretty boy then?
Now, now, Phyllis, don't patronise him. I'm sure he's an actor of inordinate skill. snerk
But he is very pretty.
Oh, dear. We just saw the teacher. My eyes, my eyes… they're burning…
Do you reckon he's his catamite?
No. Shut up, Phyllis.
Look, I read the script, OK, I wanted to find out whether they were ad-libbing all those truly unfortunate lines they had – they weren't – and it says that the teacher is supposed to be 'young, and good-looking'. Who decided that he was 'young and good-looking'? Father Time? Death?
Oh, and, yes, the girls are supposed to find Alex sexy. It says so in the script, so therefore, it must be law. He's pretty, I'll give you that, but so far, the most fascinating thing about him is his truly enormous watch. D'you think he thought that the enormous watch would make him look hard? Because… it very much does not.
Look! We just got a close up of the enormous watch! Score!
I think it may have been supposed to be a close up of his "fit" body, and Sabina – whore – drooling over it. However, as we've said, his watch is, so far, the most fascinating part of him, and, therefore, we found our eyes irrevocably drawn to it.
Apparently Sabina shared our interest. That, or she wanted to know where his jeans came from.
Oh, her eyes move upwards. I think she wants to know the name of his hairdresser. God knows she needs to do something with all that brown straight stuff.
She does have very pretty blue eyes though.
Yes, she does. But, on the other, why be so charitable? She's stealing your undying love, remember, Phyll, darling?
Oh, yes.
Kill! Must, Kill!!
Phyllis. Please. Be calm. No, Phyllis!
Phyllis, get back here, RIGHT NOW!!
Excuse me.
Phyllis and Dorothea will be back next week, when Dorothea has calmed Phyllis' murderous tendencies.
What will we find out next week? Is Alex Rider a complete pussy? Is he actually the teacher's catamite? Is he anyone else's catamite? Are we going to see any violent action in this film?
Would it have helped if they'd got passed the first minute or so?
Tune in again next week to have all of these exciting questions answered – and more.