A Farewell to Arms: part nineteen
by Angela
October 2007

Author's Note: I really want to thank everyone who has stuck with me and this story for the past six months. Some of you have left me terrific comments that really helped me stay motivated, thanks so much. I hope you enjoy this last chapter!

The elevator doors closed and Ash let out a sigh of relief. He hadn't been sure he could get past Jacob. The doorman knew him – Chris Winston, that is – pretty well, and was a pretty attentive guy. Ash had spent the whole ride from Chinatown coming up with ways to slip by him, and with that in mind, he wound up spending fifteen precious minutes outside a 24-hour pizza delivery place. Ash ended up paying a delivery boy a hundred bucks just for his hat and jacket, and fourteen ninety-five more for the pizza. Moments like that made him almost wish for his gun – his Smith & Wesson helped speed up negotiations even more than cash.

But what mattered is that it got him past Jacob. The doorman behind the desk looked up briefly and Ash looked down, pretending to consult the receipt taped to the box. "Pizza for Steven Phillips," he said, knowing that Mr. Phillips often kept odd hours and had food delivered in the past.

"You got the address?" Jacob asked.

Ash nodded, keeping his head down. "Sixth floor," he said.

Jacob waved him on, going back to his crossword puzzle. Ash hurried to the elevator.

The sixty-second trip up to his old apartment seemed endless. I told him you were running away from him. Sing's words haunted him. You didn't care enough to let him know you were okay. He needed to see Eiji, to tell him how wrong Sing was.

He needed to tell Eiji a lot of things.

By the time the elevator came to a stop, his heart was throbbing painfully in his chest. He was afraid of what he'd find in the apartment. Sing said he hadn't left in a couple of days, that even the lights came on only once in a while. Ash knew Eiji would be upset – and the guy already had a history of dark, silent days. He was afraid that this time might've been too much, that his trust in Ash was broken and irreparable. Or worse.

It wasn't until he was at the door that he realized that he no longer had a key. He didn't want to knock, not wanting to scare Eiji awake – it was five in the morning, after all. He figured it was time to test that upscale security they'd sold him. He used his ID card to jimmy the lock, relieved – but disapproving – to see that Eiji had neglected to turn the dead bolt.

When it was sprung, he picked up the pizza box and took a deep breath. A trickle of cold sweat eased down his spine. He was somehow both eager and terrified. Ash opened the door.

The room was dark. The weak light that streamed through the windows seemed to do nothing, and he couldn't see anything at all beyond the chunk of light from the hallway that fell around him on the tile entryway. He instantly got a rush of that this is where you belong feeling: his heartbeat slowed and his breathing came more easily.

"Welcome home." Eiji's voice came to him weakly from the shadows of the living room.

Ash's heart skipped painfully. He squinted, trying to make him out among the dark shapes of the furniture. "Eiji?" he asked. His voice was hoarse and sore with disbelief. It was the same as it'd always been. How had Eiji known to wait up for him?

Eiji's voice cracked as he tried to speak again. No words came out – just an anguished squeak.

The sound made Ash's hands quake. He tossed the pizza onto the nearby console table and kicked the door shut. Without the glaring light from the hallway, his eyes adjusted quickly in the darkness. Lumps of shadow became a couch and chairs. One shadow moved, silhouetting itself against the deep blue glow of the windows. Eiji.

Eiji stood stock-still, staring at him. After a moment, Ash could make out his face – beautiful and confused, his eyes dark and troubled. Ash wondered if it was because he wasn't sure if the moment was real. Or maybe he was making up his mind about how to feel about this. Ash stepped forward, determined to rush the decision, but as one foot landed on the plushy carpet, he yanked it back. Eiji hated it when he wore his shoes inside.

Ash reached down and fumbled with his laces. "Eiji," he said again, his voice heavy with desperation and impatience. He needed Eiji to say something – anything – that revealed his state of mind. He yanked at his shoes, his eyes never leaving his friend's face.

Just as Ash's first shoe fell with a dull thunk on the marble tile, Eiji moved. He was across the room in an instant. Ash stumbled to meet him halfway, kicking off his remaining shoe as he went. Eiji's arms went around his shoulders, pulling him roughly against his chest. The heat of him, the scent of soap and clothes and just Eiji overwhelmed him. Ash's knees felt weak.

He slid his own arms around Eiji's middle, careful to avoid the gash he'd glimpsed from beneath his open shirt. I love you. He wanted to cling, to squeeze, to somehow melt Eiji into himself. I love you. He couldn't imagine what he'd been thinking, that day he'd decided never to see him again.

For a long moment they stood together in the middle of the dim living room, arms wrapped tightly around each other. Ash closed his eyes and enjoyed the comforting warmth of having Eiji close. The last time they'd held each other was after he'd gotten away from Foxx – it felt like a lifetime ago. Eiji's arms were just as strong, just as warm, and this time there wasn't any lingering terror. Instead there was just the relief of having what he'd been craving. In Eiji's arms he felt like he'd finally come home.

Eiji pulled back and studied him, his eyes dark and concerned. He looked bone weary and thin, and Ash worried.

"You are here," Eiji breathed. His hands gripped his shoulders, the blunt edges of his nails digging into his skin through his t-shirt. "I was so afraid."

"I'm sorry." Ash never meant to scare him. He never wanted to. "Never again."

Eiji shook his head, his eyes dropping to space between them. "I've never been so scared of anything before."

"Me too," Ash told him. He paused, waiting until Eiji looked back up at him. Ash stared him deep in the eyes. "Everything about this – about the way I feel about you – scares the shit out of me." His confession was soft and urgent. It was time to be honest, after all.

Eiji's eyes widened, a myriad of emotions flickering across his face in the space of a heartbeat. "How –" he began and faltered. He bit his lip and tried again. "What do –" After a moment it seemed he gave up. He leaned his face against Ash's shoulder, pressing close and silent for a long moment. "They told me you were dead," he said at last, his voice broken. "Max and Ibé-san and Alex – they all told me you were dead."

Pain wrenched through Ash's chest. He couldn't imagine what Eiji had gone through, believing that. "I'm so sorry," he whispered.

"And then Sing said you faked it. That you were running away from everyone. Even me." Eiji's shoulders shook and Ash guessed that he was trying not to cry.

He moved a hand to Eiji's head, smoothing his hair. He didn't know how to soothe him. "Sing was wrong," he explained in a low, urgent voice. "It was my fault – I gave him the wrong idea on purpose. I didn't want anyone to know where I was going. I didn't think," he paused, stealing a moment to brush his lips across Eiji's hair. "I didn't think he would talk to you."

Eiji pulled away again, this time taking a whole step back and separating himself from Ash completely. He was still trembling, but his eyes were dry and angry. Ash realized that it hadn't been tears he'd been holding back, but rage. He reached for him; Eiji flinched away. "Where were you?" he asked, his voice quiet with fury. "I hear such terrible things – things I cannot bear – of course I come to you. But you are not here. Why didn't you wait for me?" The words were hard and heavy with accusation – accusation that Ash knew he deserved.

He'd been careless; never once did he stop to think about what Eiji might be doing at the same time.

"I just came back from Japan," Ash said helplessly, pulling his passport out of his back pocket as proof. "I was trying to find you."

Eiji blinked with surprise and disbelief. He plucked the tiny leather booklet from Ash's fingers and flipped to the page with its bold red Nippon stamp. "Japan? When did you – How?"

Any other time, Ash would've grinned at his dumbfounded expression, but he felt too desperate even to smile. "I went to Izumo," he said, half panicked. "But you weren't there."

Eiji's face went soft, and Ash could see that the idea of him going all the way to his hometown had an emotional affect on his friend. He wanted to reach out to him, to touch him again, but Eiji turned abruptly and walked to the couch. His spine stiff, he sat down at the far end.

"But you did not contact me," he said darkly. "So many days passed and I wondered if you were hurt. If you were alive! It is not the dark ages! We have mail. Telephones. Sing even has my family's phone number! Why didn't you tell me you were okay?"

Ash didn't have an answer. There were a hundred reasons, and none of them good.

Eiji's words became softer, his gaze fixing on the windows. "Instead you let me think terrible things. How could I not believe Sing when he said you didn't care?" He swallowed hard, his voice unsteady. "How can I not believe it even now?"

It was like being slammed in the gut. Ash stared at Eiji in the half-light. "I didn't know he would say that," Ash said softly, aware that it was a worthless contribution, but not knowing what else to say. He was ashamed. He'd never even thought of it from Eiji's point of view. "I'm so sorry, Eiji."

He waited for his friend to respond with something – anything – but the room was silent.

"I've been thinking of you," Ash said at last, sitting tentatively next to Eiji on the sofa. "All the time."

His confession was rewarded by a tiny intake of breath. Eiji didn't speak, but at least Ash knew he was listening. It was just as well; he had a million things to say. "I want –"

"You were going to leave me," Eiji interrupted. His voice was soft and accusing. He pulled his knees up to his chest and Ash felt him withdrawing.

He wanted to lie. He wanted to say that he'd never considered such a thing, that it was ridiculous to even contemplate. But Eiji deserved the truth. Ash never wanted to keep secrets from him again. He sighed, running a hand through his hair and was momentarily startled by the reminder that he'd cut it all off. "I thought I had to give you up to keep you safe," he explained slowly. "But then I realized it wasn't possible." He looked at the ceiling, feeling helpless. He never thought it'd be like this, that these words would be a negotiation. "As soon as I was away from you, I felt like I'd torn away a huge hunk of myself."

Eiji wasn't convinced. "But if I wasn't here tonight…"

"I would have found you." The declaration was hard and earnest. Ash could no longer imagine a world where he could stay separated from Eiji for long. Hadn't they been through too much just to get to this point? "I would cross the world and back as many times as it takes until I caught up with you."

Eiji didn't respond. He leaned his forehead on his knees, and Ash longed to see his face. Didn't he believe it? After everything, had his trust finally been broken?

He had nothing to lose then. "I made a mistake – a big one – and I'm sorry, Eiji. All I wanted was to find a way for us to be together. I didn't want my enemies to find us, to have us hiding out and skulking around corners our whole lives. I didn't want you to always have to watch your back. You don't deserve that kind of life. I was stupid. I should've called you the instant I could." He twisted his fingers together, trying to figure out how to say what he'd been needing to say all that time.

He was done with games, with skittering around the issues. He tried for the direct approach. "I'm in love with you, you know," he confessed, surprised that it came so easily. "I think I've always been. I've been afraid of it, though."

"Why?" Even though Eiji was right next to him, his voice was weak and far away.

Ash closed his eyes. His heart swelled at the word – it mean that Eiji was listening, that he was interested in what Ash had to say. "Because it means I want things. Things I shouldn't be wanting. From you." He thought of his fantasies, of Yut Lung's deft fingers, of Brandi-the-stewardess. Take him to bed, for god's sake.

Eiji touched him. The shock of it – of fingertips on his knee, hot through his jeans – sent a jolt of electricity through Ash's body. Otherwise Eiji didn't move; he stayed bowed over his knees, his face hidden. "Wanting is natural," he said carefully.

Ash shook his head, silently praying that Eiji wouldn't move his hand away. "Not like this," he said bitterly.

Fingers curled into denim. There was the swish of fabric moving against fabric and suddenly Eiji was close beside him. He ducked his head against Ash's shoulder. "Then we are both unnatural," he mumbled, and Ash felt his breath hot and damp against his collarbone.

Heat flooded Ash's face. His heart throbbed in his chest. "Eiji?" he asked weakly. Could it be that he really did feel the same way? After so long wondering, it hardly seemed possible.

Eiji lifted his head. He turned to face Ash, his free hand reaching to touch his jaw. Fingers explored the bristle of days without shaving, their callused tips moving over his lips to the other side. His eyes locked with Ash's, his expression haunted with trust and need. Ash's whole body tingled. He leaned closer.

Their kiss was sweetly tentative, but sparked with electric fire. Eiji's lips, dry and soft beneath his, moved with inexpert grace, guiding Ash's mouth open. His tongue cautiously flicked forward, tasting Ash's lips with careful motions. Ash stifled a groan and hauled Eiji up against him. Even in their awkward positions on the couch, he wanted to feel his friend's lean body with his own.

Eiji's hand clutched his knee, his fingers involuntarily jumping and grasping when Ash deepened the kiss. Nails scrabbled for hold through denim, scratching across his thigh a bit higher than Ash expected. It was as though his nerves were being unraveled. Heat pooled low inside him and a low sound escaped his throat.

Eiji pulled back, gazing with breathless concern at his friend. "You are okay?" he asked, his lips damp from the kiss. "I did not hurt you?"

"You can't hurt me," Ash told him, reaching his hand around Eiji's head to tug him back into the kiss.

Stiffening, Eiji resisted. "But I can," he said softly. "In the past you were hurt very badly. I don't want to remind you. I don't want to hurt you in any way." His face was troubled and doubtful.

Of course. Ash took a deep breath and sighed slowly. "I meant what I said," he insisted. "You can't hurt me. I want to be here with you. I want to be doing this." Eiji looked unconvinced, so Ash pressed on. "I've dreamed about doing this. For so long."

He slid one hand beneath Eiji's open shirt. He recognized it as his own now, and the idea of Eiji in his clothes sent a wave of possessive arousal through him. He lay his palm flat against Eiji's lower back, not surprised when the boy shuddered against him. "This is what you're doing to me," he whispered, lowering his lips to Eiji's throat. Eiji groaned softly. "This is what you're making me feel."

He wanted Eiji to writhe beneath him, to want until his whole body ached with it. He pushed his friend gently until he was lying across the sofa, then covered his body with his own as his mouth sought its mate once more. Eiji's arms closed around him, his fingers grasping and shoving fabric until they found skin beneath his t-shirt. Ash pressed close, easing his tight, aching hips down until Eiji gasped. He bucked beneath him, his fingertips pressing bruising circles into the skin of Ash's back.

It was almost too much. Ash panted against Eiji's mouth, his whole body alive and fevered with desire. He was surprised when his friend moved beneath him, shifting so that his knee came up to press firmly between his legs. The pressure of Eiji's thigh against him made his head spin.

Eiji's fingers started to tug on the hem of his shirt, yanking it steadily upward until Ash had to break his kiss to let him pull it off over his head. "Are you sure about this?" he asked brokenly, his mouth moving toward the soft lure of Eiji's earlobe.

Eiji put his hands on Ash's chest, tracing scars and brushing against his nipples. Ash sucked in his breath. "I have wanted – and I have loved you – for a very long time," the Japanese boy confessed unsteadily. He let his hands slide down Ash's chest and firm abdomen, unsteadily grasping the waistband of his jeans. They clumsily worked the button and zipper; Ash bit his lip as his knuckles brushed against the hard length of his erection. "If you are sure, I am sure."

Ash had thought he could stop if he needed to, but Eiji's words and touch sent another wave of urgency crashing over him. Somehow hands and mouths took over, stroking and kissing and removing clothing until both boys were naked, their breath coming in damp pants as they looked at each other. Ash had never been so aroused by another body in his life. Everything about Eiji – his golden skin, his lean, long muscles – was perfect.

Ash leaned back against the couch, pulling his friend on top of him. Eiji's eyes widened. "If I do it, I'll hurt you," Ash explained in a hoarse voice. He felt his cheeks flush hot. "Right now I – I don't think I can go slowly."

Eiji pushed back until he was on his knees, straddling Ash. He looked nervous. "I don't know how . . ." he said softly.

Ash smiled. "I'll show you," he promised, then sat up to kiss him.

It seemed Eiji still wasn't convinced. "Then I'll hurt you," he protested.

Ash shook his head. There wasn't much chance of that. He knew just how to relax, how to make pain into pleasure. Growing up the way he did, it was the only way to survive, but he didn't want to explain such ugly things. "I'll be fine," he assured instead, already reaching.

As soon as his hand closed around Eiji's ready cock, all protests ended. Ash watched as Eiji squeezed his eyes shut, his mouth parting in a silent gasp. He learned its hard lines and curves, memorizing it with his fingers even as he put his lips to work at the hollow of Eiji's throat. He pressed his tongue against smooth salty skin as he slid his mouth down his chest and abdomen.

Eiji's noises of protest melted into sighs of pleasure. When Ash reached his destination, he took Eiji into his mouth in one swift move, dampening the whole length of his shaft with his lips and tongue. Eiji cried out, his hands clutching in vain at the baby-fine moss of blond hair on Ash's head. Ash worked his magic, using tongue and hands and murmuring to bring Eiji just to the threshold without crossing over it. "Please, please," his friend whimpered, and Ash decided it was time.

Whispering urgently, Ash guided Eiji into position. "Use your fingers first," he explained, holding Eiji's wrist and dampening his finger in his mouth. Eiji hesitated only a moment before pushing into him, and Ash clenched his eyes shut against the waves of tight, aching pleasure.

"Are you okay?" Eiji asked, his voice alarmed.

Ash couldn't speak, so he just nodded. Eiji started to move, pumping his fingers in and out slowly. Ash nodded again. "Good," he gasped, reaching up to press a kiss onto Eiji's mouth. Then he lay back and enjoyed it, one hand moving to his own straining, neglected cock.

After a few minutes Ash needed more. "I want you," he panted, scratching the skin on Eiji's shoulder in his urgency. "Please, Eiji. Now."

Eiji filled him slowly, the whole time biting his lip at the unexpected pleasure of it. Before Ash could speak, he moved, pulling out almost altogether before plunging in again, his earlier gentleness dampened by his own need. Ash clung to him.

He'd never felt like that before. The sex was familiar – he'd been in the same position a thousand times, usually with men who knew much more and never hesitated to demonstrate. But Eiji's face, the immense care and concentration there, moved him more than any physical pleasure could ever hope to. Swells of love met swells of passion, and Eiji kissed Ash as he came, the urgency of his mouth smothering his cries. Eiji came in the next instant, his eyes going wide with shock at the force and speed of it.

They lay tangled together, both sweaty and struggling to catch breath long gone. Ash glanced ruefully at the spots of damp that marked the sofa – it wasn't even their couch anymore, and look what they'd done to it. He found he couldn't care for more than a few seconds, though, because Eiji's teeth were quietly nibbling his ear.

"What now?" Ash asked. He almost didn't want to know – it wasn't as though they'd settled anything between them by having sex. Was it time to acknowledge that they cared but then move on? His heart thudded in his chest.

Eiji had been watching him from behind a lazy smile, but it faded as he considered. "I don't want to be away from you," he said plainly, putting his hand over Ash's chest. "Don't ever leave me again."

Ash shook his head. "I don't think that will be a problem." He felt a smile creeping across his own face – apparently he'd been forgiven.

"Then I will follow where you go," Eiji decided. "If we must spend our lives hiding, I will hide with you."

Ash couldn't imagine it any other way. "We will have to leave right away," he said seriously. "This place isn't ours anymore."

Eiji looked around the apartment. It was bathed in bright morning light, suggesting to Ash that their love scene had taken longer than it seemed. Eiji sighed. "I will miss it," he said wistfully. "But anywhere Ash lives is my home now."

They dressed slowly, and Ash let Eiji use the shower first. He was sweaty and sticky, but he wanted to take some time to savor it, to exist with Eiji's musky scent on his skin, in his mouth.

He took the pizza to the kitchen, and was startled to see his secret stash of goods spread out on the counter. He picked up the cigarettes and shoved them into his pocket, then decided that the shelf-life of a pack of Sno-Balls would easily be more than just a couple of months, and he tore into the green goodies. If he didn't eat them now, Eiji was sure to take them from him, he reasoned, and nothing beat the taste of manufactured coconut and marshmallow.

---

"We have to go back to Izumo," Ash told him that evening. Despite the threat of the new owner arriving at any time, they'd lingered in the apartment all day, enjoying each other's bodies and company and getting caught up on all the time they'd spent apart. Now they watched the setting sun turn the park into a blaze of golden red as they ate delivered sushi on the floor by the windows.

Eiji didn't protest. "My family must be frustrated with me," he said.

"They miss you."

Eiji told him about leaving his return ticket at Max's and his bag – including his money and passport – at Alex's. "I guess I will have to go back for them."

Ash felt a sharp stab of guilt when Eiji mentioned Max's name. If they were going to Japan, Shunichi would undoubtedly hear of his miraculous resurrection. If Shunichi heard, Max would hear, and Ash wondered if he didn't owe the old man a personal explanation. He promised himself he'd stop by before they left town.

"You'll definitely need your passport, but don't worry about the ticket," Ash said dismissively, dipping his sashimi into the tiny dish of wasabi. "We're gonna fly first class from here on out. And tonight we're staying at the Plaza – I booked us a suite."

Ash grinned at Eiji's dumbfounded expression. "I happen to have a lot of money stashed away," he said. "Stick with me and you'll never want for anything." He took a sip of water. "Tomorrow we're leaving for Tokyo. I figure we can take your family on a trip or something before heading off to – wherever we're going." They hadn't decided yet.

His friend continued to gape and Ash couldn't resist the urge to tease him. "You lied to me, Eiji," he said seriously.

"What do you mean?" Eiji demanded, looking indignant.

Ash tried to keep from smiling. "Yukie – your sister. She's not ugly at all."

A blush bloomed over Eiji's cheeks and he laughed guiltily. "I only said that so that you wouldn't get funny ideas," he said.

"A protective big brother," Ash observed, grinning.

Eiji's eyes darted away. "Something like that," he mumbled, his face coloring more.

"Speaking of Yukie," Ash said, remembering the charm she'd given him. "She gave me this to give to you." He pulled the little card from his pocket and handed it to Eiji, relieved that the braided cord tassel hadn't come unraveled. "What's it say?" he asked, curious.

Eiji took one look at it before laughing out loud. "That brat!" he cried, somehow looking all at once irritated, embarrassed, and pleased. "It is just like the last one. It says: good marriage."

Ash remembered the knowing look she'd given him when she explained why she thought they were lovers. It was like she'd seen right through him and understood him completely. "I like your sister," he mused. It was nice to know he had at least one ally in Eiji's family.

"You wouldn't if she was your sister," he grumbled good-naturedly.

They ate in happy silence, and Ash mused over the many possible futures in store for them. He thought about going to school – he'd have to put together a fake transcript, but that would be easy enough to manage. "I don't have any idea what to do with the rest of my life," he realized out loud.

Eiji brightened, his face as lively as it used to be when he fed Ash food that was good for him. "Anything you want," he suggested. "Or nothing. You are a very rich man, after all."

Ash grinned wickedly. "I see," he said, scratching his chin. "You just want me for my money, eh?"

Making a face, Eiji shrugged. "I used to want you for your good looks," he countered, "but you've ruined them." He reached up to touch Ash's shorn hair, letting it bristle against his palm. His hand slid down, lingering on Ash's cheek while his fingertips toyed with the short hairs at his temple.

Ash's breath caught in his throat. When he spoke, his voice was weak. "As long as you want me at all…" he trailed off, lifting his own hand to cover Eiji's.

Eiji's nod was almost imperceptible. He swallowed hard. "I do," he whispered. "Very much."

THE END