"We're in orbit range," Cat said excitedly as the planet before them loomed nearer.

"Well, take it down, then," Lister said. "Let's go see what we're up against.

"Excuse me, sir," said Kryten. "We're being hailed by a guard ship." He listened for a moment, then his mouth twisted into an exaggerated frown.

"What is it, Kryten?" Lister asked.

"I don't want to tell you, sir," he cried. "It's too horrible! And everyone was in such good spirits, I just can't ruin everyone's day by relaying this message to you."

"Spit it out, bolts for brains," Rimmer snapped. Kryten shook his head.

"We need to know, Kryten," Lister said in a soothing tone. "Just tell us."

"They won't let us land!" the mechanoid shrieked. "They won't even let us orbit! They want us to go away!"

"We'll see about that," Lister said determinedly. "Put them on speaker, I'll reason with them."

"Wait a minute, Listy," Rimmer broke in, "Holly said we'd need wits to outsmart these creatures. I'll talk to them."

"You?" Lister asked. "You've got about as much wits as a telephone insurance salesman."

"I'm afraid that Mr. Rimmer could not speak to the aliens, even if he did have the mental capacity to outsmart them," Kryten said. "I will demonstrate." Kryten pushed a button and the cockpit was filled with a series of whines and clicks.

"Who lives on this planet," Cat asked, plugging his ears, "a bunch of American Idol contestants?"

"They are speaking in binary," Kryten explained. "I will attempt to translate."

Rimmer attempted to look severe. "No need to," he said. "Tell them to move their craft and allow us to proceed unmolested or we shall blow them out of the sky."

Kryten relayed the message against his better judgement. He paused, receiving the reply. A look of fear suddenly crossed his face. "They say, 'Get out of our atmosphere, you filthy pig-dog before we release the vache.'"

"Vache, that's French," said Cat. "You know what they say about French girls. I can't date a girl with more body hair than me. Let's get out of here!"

"Tell them this, Kryten," Lister said. "Tell them we are in search of the Red Dwarf and we need their help. Tell them it's a holy quest for a holey ship. Decrepit, even."

"Yes, Mr. Lister, sir," Kryten nodded, and repeated the message. A pause. "They say they've already got one."

"So they're the ones who have stolen the Red Dwarf," shouted Rimmer. "Let's just blow them up, swing down planetside, grab the Dwarf and get back to reality."

"They are powering up their weapons," Kryten said.

"On second thought, I couldn't bear to leave Starbug," said Rimmer. "It's become like a second home. Suggest we run away!"

"Too late," Kryten said, as a blue laser eminated from the alien ship. It engulfed the Starbug, but appeared to do no physical damage. Suddenly, a strange noise came from the dining area. The four adventurers looked at each other and then rushed into the small kitchen. On top of the table there stood a brown and white, very confused-looking cow.

"Moo," said the cow.

"Well, at least now we'll have fresh milk," Lister mused.

"And eggs," said Cat, pointing to a chicken who had just materialized on the kitchen counter.

"Off!" Kryten shouted to the poultry as two more chickens and a pig materialized. "I just cleaned that counter! Get down from it now!" He swatted at the birds, sending feathers flying everywhere.

"Let's get out of here before we have to convert the lavatories to stables!" Lister shouted, running back to the cockpit. Cat threw the engines into reverse, sending Starbug well out of range of the foreign planet.

"What are we going to do?" asked Rimmer after they were at a safe distance.

"We have a roast?" suggested Cat.

Lister was thinking. "In the movie, they build a giant rabbit out of wood, and then send it into the castle, upon which they leap out of it and attack from within."

"Brilliant idea, Listy," Rimmer quipped, "but with two flaws. One, we're in space. Two, we've got no wood."

"I know, I know," Lister said. Then an idea struck him. "What if we made a fake ship?!" he exclaimed. "We could use it as a diversion, and while the aliens are busy filling it with livestock, we could slip on down to the planet."

"I think you're forgetting problem number two," Rimmer said. "No wood."

"Not out of wood, you goit," Lister said. "Out of garbage! Kryten won't let us eject anything until we reach a landfill-zoned planet. We've got enough stored up in the compactors to build ten ships!"

Rimmer and the cat both stared at Lister. Finally, Rimmer said, "We're going to die, aren't we?"

The alien craft watched the sky suspiciously. There was something not right out there. Strange shaped seemed to move in the distance. They looked almost like stray Pot Noodle containers floating in space. "On your guard," one alien said to another, who nodded, hand on the Vache trigger. Suddenly a ship floated into view. "Fire!" shouted the first alien. The second pulled the trigger, sending the blue beam directly at the ship. The beam penetrated the ship until it suddenly exploded. The guard rushed toward the viewscreen. He had never seen a ship explode like that one. It just...disintegrated. Cows, chickens, and sheep floated lifelessly from the wreckage. Upon closer inspection, the guard noticed that they seemed to be floating in a sea of used Indian TV dinner packages, candy bar wrappers, and hair cream containers. The guard narrowed his eyes and sent a message to the planet's surface.

"Yes!" shouted Lister as he stepped off the Starbug. "A brilliant plan, that was." The four of them surveyed the planet. They had landed Starbug in a field across from a river that separated them from a busy metropolitan area.

"So now what?" Rimmer asked. "How do we get across?"

Kryten scanned the banks. "I suggest we split up, sir," he said. "I will take that ferry across to the city. You, Mr. Lister and the cat can go off in different directions in search of the Red Dwarf."

"Sounds good," Lister said while Rimmer rolled his eyes. "We'll meet up back here in 24 hours to report on what we've found."

And so, the four went off in their separate ways to create adventures of their own.