Title- As They Were

Summary- Post 'The Wish'. Cordelia has had enough and takes things into her own hands, Buffy searches for a way to make it work with Angel, and Drusilla is back in town and determined to end the world…

Disclaimer- All of this belongs to Joss Whedon. I'm just borrowing to satisfy my hunger for more BtVS.

Author Note: This is my first foray back into the world of fanfiction for a long time, so I would love to hear from you. Enjoy...

AS THEY WERE

ONE

'I wish Buffy Summers had never come to Sunnydale!'

Cordelia knew it was only wishful thinking, but saying it aloud still made her feel better. Of course it would be too convenient for someone to come along and grant her wish. Things like that didn't happen in this god-forsaken real world. Not real as in difficult SATs, deciding on college preferences or choosing between a Gucci or Prada handbag, but real, as in vampires and demons and cheating bastard boyfriends.

She lifted her gaze to where Buffy, Willow and Xander sat talking. Though she didn't want to admit it, some part of her wanted to be there with them. Talking. Laughing. Doing stuff one usually does with friends. It wasn't as though the last few months had been a painful experience—Cordelia had actually found herself enjoying the chance to have people see her for who she was and still care about her. It had been a long time since anyone had done that.

But then a vision of Xander leaning over Willow on the bed reared through her mind and every bit of that thought dissipated.

Buffy. Ever since she had arrived Cordelia's life had done exactly what Buffy had done to her last night—gone straight into the dump. Things would be how they should be, with her as Queen C and those two pathetic idiots barely an ant on her radar. Willow and Xander, two nobodies, talking about maths equations and comic books. Scurrying past her without her even noticing or caring.

Caring. That was her problem. She still cared about them. She cared what they thought of her, and she cared that they still had each other when she had no one, and she cared that they might go out that night and get killed.

Cordelia didn't want to care about anything anymore.

If Buffy hadn't come here…

That was it. Cordelia had had enough of everyone's insults and pitying looks. First to visit the nurse for her 'headache' and then home, where she could shut herself in her room and forget that the last week had ever happened. Turning on her heel, she gave one last glance at the three friends and then walked away. She ignored the sniggers and whispers the followed her through the hallways. Let them. She didn't care anymore.

The nurse gave her aspirin but Cordelia claimed it was only getting worse. She was definitely going to be an actress. Usually no one got sent home by the suspicious, cold-hearted nurse, but twenty minutes later Cordelia was pulling into her driveway. Her parents weren't home, thank god. She made herself a sandwich but when she went to eat it her stomach clenched and she lost her appetite. She threw it out and sat on her bed, at a complete loss.

Was she going to lock herself in her room and mope forever? Sure, Xander had cheated on her, with Willow no less, even though she had sacrificed her entire life's struggle to the top of the social ladder for him and put up with her former 'friends' ridiculing. Okay, so she had lost face at school, most of the girls laughed at her, all of the guys avoided her like the plague. Was it really that bad?

Cordelia groaned and buried her face in the pillow. She punched her fist on the mattress and a bowl clattered to the floor. She reached over to pick it up and realized it was the same one she had used to burn all her photos of him. Tears pricked her eyes. The front door banged open downstairs, and she heard her mother's voice.

Cordelia rose from the bed and went downstairs, pausing at the bottom of the stairs. Her mother was on the phone.

'You can't be serious? Cordelia wouldn't do that…'

Cordelia sank to the steps.

'And he cheated on her? Where did you hear this? This is Cordelia we're talking about, remember. With the Rosenburg girl? Oh my god, this is horrible! I won't be able to show my face to the school committee after this. Can you image what Harmony's mother will say to me?'

Cordelia shot to her feet and hot pain jabbed into her abdomen as her wound stretched. She gasped as stitches tore and bit her lip against the pain, but it soon abated as fury took over. Even her mother had joined the ranks against her. Wasn't there anyone who—No. She wasn't going to sit here and wait for someone to hold her hand and tell her to eat cookies and ice cream. That was weak. But she wanted the ache to go away. Not the throb from her wound, but the unrelenting, everlasting ache in her heart.

Back in her room she threw on a pair of shorts and an exercise tee, tied on her runners and climbed out her window. She slid down the roof onto the fence and hit the ground with a soft thud.

She rubbed the old wound gently, and then started to run. She jogged through the streets of Sunnydale, mindlessly putting one foot in front of the other. She bit her lip against the throbbing pain in her abdomen until she tasted blood, and then she simply let the pain come. It was…refreshing. Instead of holding all her misery inside all her pent up frustration and anger were pouring out of her as her feet pounded the pavement. She had never enjoyed jogging, much preferring the social aspect of working out at the local gym (and maybe the personal trainers had something to do with it). But this was the only thing she could think of that might erase the heartache, at least, for a while.

Time faded until she noticed the lengthening shadows and glanced up, surprised to see the darkening, purple sky. But it was already too late. A rustle of leaves. A low growl. Cordelia spun around just as the vampire stepped out from behind a tree.

'You're out late, little girl,' he said, his amber eyes glowing with anticipation.

'I guess I am,' she muttered.

He lunged for her. She shrieked as his fist collided with her cheek, throwing her into the tree. A ringing filled her ears and she grabbed her head in pain. But something snapped in her. As if there had been a part of her disjointed from the rest, and all of a sudden the final piece had shifted and clicked back into place.

She was Cordelia Chase. And she was done with it all.

A wild scream escaped her throat as he approached again and she saw the vampire hesitate. She threw herself at him, kicking and scratching and hitting him with her fists. He fell to the ground beneath her, stunned by her ferocity, but recovered quickly. He grabbed her wrists and shoved her backwards. Cordelia flew into the tree, knocking the breath from her and opening up the old stab wound. Blood flowed onto her shirt. She saw the vampire's eyes widen in excitement and hunger. Reaching up, she snapped off a branch just as he attacked, and when he grabbed her throat she thrust the branch into his chest as hard as she could.

The vampire blinked, and then exploded into dust.

Cordelia stood against the tree, panting hard. She glanced down at her blood-soaked shirt and the branch she held in her hand, and smiled. That felt good. Very good. For the first time since waking up in hospital over a week ago, Cordelia felt at peace. Her lungs burned and her abdomen throbbed and she could feel bruises forming on her neck where the vamp had grabbed her, but she couldn't feel the betrayal and the shame that had hounded her.

She felt invigorated. Was this how Buffy dealt? When Angel lost his soul and killed again, was this how she got over the pain? Her heart was thrumming, the blood rushing through her veins from the exertion of the jog and the exhilaration of the kill. This was something beautiful.

After a few moments the elation wore off and Cordelia was left to stumble home, exhausted, hurting, and alone.

Cordelia didn't go to school the next day. She drove into town and signed up for a gym membership, then hopped on the treadmill. An hour flew by as she ran.

'You do know there is a twenty-minute limit on the equipment?'

She glanced up to see one of the trainers smiling at her. Stepping off the treadmill she grabbed a towel and patted her sweaty forehead. 'Sorry,' she said. 'I lost track of time.'

'That's okay,' he replied. 'We're pretty slow at the moment. All the other young people are at school.'

She ignored his pointed comment and turned away. She supposed once she would have leapt at a chance such as this to flirt with one of the trainers. It would gain her many points with Harmony and her crew, and it would definitely hurt Xander. But Cordelia didn't care about any of that anymore. She moved on to resistance training, sneering as her muscles burned and burned. It was a cure, a cure to the horrible fist that seemed to clench her heart every time her thoughts returned to that which she didn't want to think about.

Four hours passed until she staggered into the change rooms. Everything hurt now, and she couldn't think of anything but the agony in her body. She peeled the sweat-soaked clothes from her body and stepped into the shower. The cold water streamed over her body, soothing her sore muscles. She rested her forehead against the shower wall, then sank to the floor and sobbed.

With her tears dried out Cordelia walked through the gym toward the exit, but her attention was caught by a leaflet pinned to the gym wall.

SELF DEFENSE CLASSES

TUESDAY NIGHT 8:00

Cordelia considered it, then tore it down and shoved it into her bag.

That night Cordelia attended the self-defence class, but found herself disappointed and wanting more. The instructor seemed to believe that a few eye-gouges, clawing at someone's nail cuticles and ballet twists would help someone escape an assailant. Cordelia wanted to see him get away from a vampire. She walked home in the dark, uncaring that she was alone after nightfall.

Loud shouting interrupted her stroll home, and Cordelia followed the sound to one of the many cemeteries in this town. Two vampires, both suited men, were arguing about who would kill the trembling girl that lay on the ground between them. Her face was scratched and bleeding and her top had been torn. Cordelia sighed; why hadn't she kept walking? She would be at home in bed by now.

They kept arguing, and she crept into a copse of trees and hid in the shadows, sizing up the situation. There was no way she could kill two vampires. Firstly, because she had worked out for over five hours that day, secondly, because she had no weapons, and thirdly, because there was no way she was stupid enough to try.

A familiar voice interrupted the fight. 'If neither of you are going to eat her, mind if I have a bite?'

The two vampires spun around. 'She's our catch, buddy. Piss off.'

Spike stepped out from the shadows. 'Alright, alright. I just thought I'd ask since your bloody voices are scaring off the rest of the sodding people! So either shut your traps or I'm gonna have to solve your problem for you.' Since when had Spike been back in town? Cordelia wondered whether Buffy knew, and then decided she didn't care.

They two vampires rounded on him, snarling, but he simply laughed.

'Think you can take me?' he asked with a snort. Cordelia rolled her eyes. It just proved that no matter how old men were they were still testosterone-raging little boys.

Cordelia was almost taken aback by how quickly everything happened after that. One of the vampires launched at Spike, who fell backwards onto the grass and kicked him over his head. Rolling onto his feet, Spike turned around just in time to duck beneath a wide-swinging punch thrown by the second vampire. Spike threw an uppercut that crunched into the vampire's ribs with a sickened noise.

As the three of them fought, Cordelia stepped out from behind the trees without giving a moment's thought to what would happen to her if one of them spotted her. She hurried to where the shell-shocked girl lay trembling and grabbed her arm, putting her finger to her lips before she could make a sound.

'Move,' she whispered, pulling the girl to her feet. Cordelia suddenly recognised her from school. Josie? Joanie? The girl nodded and they quickly crept away into the trees where Cordelia had been hiding.

'Run home,' she told the girl, 'and don't stop until you've locked the door behind you.'

Josie or Joanie thanked her, then turned and followed Cordelia's advice. As the girl disappeared around the corner, Cordelia heard the tell-tale noises of a stake hitting home and the following explosion of dust. She didn't particularly want to stick around and see who won, especially since they would still be hungry for blood. But Cordelia couldn't help her curiosity, and she wanted to know if Spike had been able to beat both of them.

She peered through the bushes and saw Spike spin on his left foot and slam a make-shift stake into the vampire's heart. He dusted himself off and smiled.

'Nothing better than a good brawl to work up my appetite,' he said, turning to where the girl had been. A puzzled expression crossed his face when he saw she was gone, and then he threw the stake into the cemetery with a groan. 'Oh, come on! All that work for bloody nothing? I hate this town.'

Cordelia watched him stalk off.

Back at her house, Cordelia sank onto her bed. Her body was screaming at any movement she made. A hot, steamy bath sounded amazing but she didn't have enough strength left to turn the taps on. Cordelia closed her eyes, still clothed in her work out outfit and runners, and fell asleep almost immediately. She dreamt of Sunnydale High, where she was walking through the corridors and everyone was pointing at her and laughing. She finally reached the end where she came face to face with Xander who laughed at her, thrust his hand forward and tore her heart out of her chest, splattering blood all over the walls…

She shot upright, the sheets tangled around her legs. Glancing at the clock, she saw that it was 6:30. Good. Enough time to go for a run before school. As she dressed, Cordelia thought about not going. It was easy enough to call in sick for herself, and neither of her parents were ever home these days. But she hated the thought of everyone knowing how much their mocking affected her. So she would go and face whatever new taunts they had to throw at her.

Her muscles ached from the day before but Cordelia revelled in the stiff, burning that shoot through them with every step. She gasped for air, her lips and mouth dry and claggy, by the time she reached home again. She showered quickly, got dressed, and left for school, hoping her outfit would speak for her and tell anyone who might have approached her to stay away. Her black pants were skin tight and low-waisted, and her dark-red tee left a few centimetres of midriff showing. She knew she looked good, and just intimidating enough. Like Faith, she thought, although anyone with a semblance of intelligence could see that Faith's vulnerability and fear simmered just beneath her done-up surface.

Cordelia wasn't vulnerable anymore, and she wasn't afraid.

For the first time since her impalement, she didn't think of Xander and his betrayal until she reached the school gates. And even then it was barely a thought, but an image of him in her dream. She walked through the car park and across the courtyard, aware that many eyes were following her. She ignored them, went inside and opened the door to the basement. Glancing over her shoulder and seeing no-one, she slid inside and sat at the bottom of the stairwell. She reached into her bag and pulled out a packet of cigarettes she had bought on the way to school. They hadn't even asked for ID.

She lit up, inhaled and enjoyed the harshness of the smoke in her throat. It had been a while since she'd smoked last. Almost a year ago, while dating a drummer from some crap band. He had smoked constantly. She wondered where he was now, and had the thought that like most new-comers, he was most likely dead.

As soon as she finished the cigarette she dropped the butt on the ground and crushed it beneath her foot, then climbed the stairs and slipped out into the corridor again. She made her way to her locker and then to class, well aware that she was late but caring little. She walked into the classroom without a word, ignored the teacher's exclamation and sat in the only available seat left—next to Buffy—and opened her book in front of her.

'Any explanation for your tardiness, Miss Chase?'

She didn't glance up. 'Not really.'

The teacher was aghast, but failed to find anything to say, so she simply continued on with her lesson. Buffy was staring at her intently, and Cordelia found it extremely annoying.

'Got a problem, Buffy?' she asked, staring the blonde girl straight in the eye.