Summary: Hogwarts is holding a Bachelor Auction, and Severus Snape happens to be a bachelor -- not for long if Hermione has anything to say about it... A romantic comedy with healthy doses of angst and smut and, of course, a happy ending.

Disclaimer:I have a confession to make. I'm not JK Rowling. Shocking, I know.

SB's Notes: I had intended for this story to be a fun little one shot for V-Day, but it turned into a monster that, try as I did, I couldn't get finished by the big day. It's a bit late, but I hope it's a good read all the same.

This story is complete in six chapters at just over 32,000 words. Should be a fun ride for all. Since it's finished, there won't be a wait on the chapters, so feel free to sit back and enjoy this without worry of it being abandoned.

Potions Master For Sale
Chapter 1 Auction and Intrigue

"Hogwarts is having a what?" Severus Snape hissed dangerously.

"A Bachelor Auction," Albus Dumbledore replied brightly, "for Valentine's Day. I think it's just the thing we need to raise morale, and… I'd be lying if I said we couldn't use the funds it would raise."

Severus stared at the man in something akin to horror. He silently hoped that someone would reveal this to be a joke, but after twenty-one years teaching at this school under the employ of Dumbledore, he knew it wasn't. This was right up the old codger's alley…

Severus gave a barely audible, agitated sigh and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Headmaster," he began – but trailed off when he couldn't think of anything to say. There was only one reason Dumbledore would be telling him this, and it certainly wasn't to ask him to join the Planning Committee.

Severus was by definition – Merlin help him – a bachelor.

As much as he wanted to protest, violently, he already knew the battle was lost; he could no more refuse to do the old man's bidding than write a flowery sonnet to Harry Potter. But he could put up a fight. Oh, yes, he could… and he would, if only to keep his dignity intact.

He took a quick look at the Headmaster's damnably pleasant smile and rolled his eyes. He must be loving this, he thought. He ground his teeth and turned his gaze to the other occupant of the room, Minerva McGonagall. She's a fairly sensible woman, Severus thought. Surely she finds this as ridiculous an idea as I do. He said as much.

"Surely you don't approve of this nonsense, Professor."

McGonagall's face remained inscrutable. Severus knew what that meant; either she had no opinion on the matter, or she had already cut her losses and decided not to voice it, knowing that if she did, she'd be fighting a lost battle.

Severus had a feeling it was the latter.

Just splendid. No help there.

He decided to give it a go with Dumbledore. "Really, Headmaster, I must protest." His voice was low and even, but both other professors knew him well enough to hear the tense edge to his voice. "This may be the worst idea you've had yet. Letting that ponce Lockhart prance around the castle and decorate for Valentine's Day was bad, but this––" He had a sudden vision of himself dressed in Valentine's Day colors, being led around a frilly-looking dais to the sound of some announcer's voice… "Bachelor number five, Severus Snape! Stay calm, ladies. He's up for grabs!" Severus closed his eyes in an effort to shut out that horrible voice, but the voice wouldn't go away. It only got worse. "Severus enjoys long walks around the lake, gathering Potions ingredients in the Forbidden Forest, and shaping the young minds of today. If you're nice to him, ladies, I'm sure Severus would love to teach you something…"

Severus opened his eyes in a panic. "Albus…" he began in warning. "Albus. No." His voice took on a grave, firm tone, though he still had the look of a trapped animal. "No." He shook his head. "I won't do it."

"Oh, come now, my boy," Dumbledore said, looking distinctly amused. "It won't be as bad as all that."

Severus looked alarmed.

"I know you, Severus. I know exactly what you're thinking, and I can promise you that you won't be wearing anything but simple dress robes of your choosing."

The man was senile and omniscient... Fine, so no prissy-looking robes. Even so…

"I must ask you to respect my privacy," he said, trying another angle. "You know that I prefer to be left alone. I have no desire to be made a fool in some public auction for the amusement of the wizarding world. Please, Albus." He was getting desperate, and with his carefully maintained, intimidating image on the line, he wasn't above begging… a bit – though, it was physically painful to do so; he was not the begging type. "My dignity is all I have," he said. He wanted to say more, but he seemed to have run out of words. He just looked at the Headmaster plaintively.

"Severus," Dumbledore said seriously, his smile disappearing, "I have no desire to see your dignity taken from you, and it is certainly not my intention to make you appear foolish."

Severus didn't know if he believed that, but Dumbledore went on.

"These last few years have been hard for all of us. The rebuilding of lives has everyone at the end of their rope. This will be a wonderful way for people to relax and enjoy themselves."

Everyone but me.

"Even you, Severus. I really think it will be good for you to participate. You could do with a bit of fun."

"Standing in front of a crowd of giggling twits while they decide how best to torture me is not my idea of fun," he said irritably.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled. "Nonsense. You're being dramatic. As I said before, I doubt it will be as bad as all that."

You doubt?

"Really, it will be very simple. My Planning Committee has yet to hammer out all the smaller details, but I'm certain it will be kept as dignified as possible."

This did not reassure Severus. At all.

But Severus knew he was beaten. He sighed. "You're not giving me a choice, are you…?" It wasn't a question.

Dumbledore just smiled. "All that will be required of you is to show up looking your best, refrain from hexing the other auction participants and the audience, and treat the lady who purchases an evening of your company with respect. Is that too much to ask?"

He rather thought it was, but he refrained from saying so. Instead, he ground out, "When?"

"Valentine's Day, of course, though I'll leave it up to you and the woman who wins you to decide when your date will be."

A loophole! Severus thought with growing hope, but Dumbledore squashed it with his next words.

"You will, of course, be required to sign a magical contract that you will fulfill the terms of the auction as soon as possible."

Damn. "Fine," he said coldly. Then, something occurred to him. He was surprised it hadn't entered his mind before… "Just what will I be getting out of this?"

Dumbledore only twinkled.

"If I'm going to allow myself to be used in this manner, I had sure as hell better be compensated. What's in it for me?"

"Ah, my dear boy. I think you will find there's a great deal in it for you. Now, if you'll excuse us, I have business with Professor McGonagall." And with that abysmal excuse for an answer, Severus was promptly dismissed by a wave of the old man's hand.

He left the office and marched back to his dungeon abode with a glare on his face, muttering angrily about cryptic, manipulative old fools taking advantage of his debt to them. The few people he passed noticed that he was in an even fouler mood than usual and steered clear, valuing their limbs intact and attached.

One woman, a young professor with wild, hopelessly curly hair and large, brown eyes, showed no such wisdom. She stepped through a door and into the corridor just after Severus had passed by. "Oh! Good evening, Professor Snape," she said to his back.

He froze, whirled around, and snarled, "What could possibly be good about it, Miss Granger?"

The smile she had been giving him faltered at his tone, and her warm words died on her tongue. "Oh, erm… well," she stuttered, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she looked away from him nervously.

"Nothing," he spat. "There is nothing good about it, girl, so keep your insipid greetings to yourself, and save them for someone they apply to." And with that he fixed her with a final glare and left her to stand there and wonder what had him in such a horrible mood.

Not that he was ever in a good mood, per se – but he had recently been less acerbic towards her. They'd even managed a few polite conversations, even shared an evening fire in the staff room, sipping tea and trading the occasional comment about what they were each reading. Now, it seemed, they were back to square one.

Hermione sighed hopelessly. She had such a crush on the man, had for a few years – ever since they'd worked together in the Order to bring down the Dark Lord. She'd felt in awe of him then. She'd passed her feelings for him off as a hopeless, girlish fancy; after all, what would someone like him ever see in someone like her? He was brave, powerful, intense, dark, experienced – she was… not. Well, to be fair, she had courage, and she was powerful in her own right, but still… She was barely out of school, and he was a grown man, well versed in the ways of the world. What could she possibly have to offer?

That had been then. Now she felt differently.

After the Dark Lord had been defeated, Hermione had moved on with her life. When she'd returned to the newly reopened Hogwarts the fall before, her feelings for him had returned in full force. Since then, they'd only grown. She'd let herself hope that maybe she could get to know him better. Maybe he would see her as the woman she had become. She'd thought she'd been making progress, that he was finally ready to treat her with respect – until tonight, that is.

He snarled at me so easily, she thought. He didn't even think twice about it.

Hermione wanted him to know how she felt – to a certain extent, at least. She wanted him to know that she was interested in being his friend and maybe more, but she knew better than to just come out with it and tell him she fancied him. She knew exactly how that would go… Either he'd shoot her down and tell her that her feelings were one sided without giving them a second thought, or he simply wouldn't believe her and would think she was trying to make a fool of him; neither option appealed much to Hermione.

She thought long and hard about it for a while as she walked to her quarters. She knew that the approach she'd been taking – the 'slowly but surely' approach – wasn't working. It was like walking on eggshells all the time. At any minute he could lash out at her and erase any progress they'd made, like he'd done tonight. The way it had been going, she'd been giving him all the power. She'd approach him, and he could simply ignore her if he chose. It was just expected that she do all the work to try to bridge the gap between them, and if he simply didn't feel like it, she was screwed. Something had to give.

She decided a change of strategy was in order. She would make him come to her. She couldn't keep giving him all the power here, and she had to do this in a way that he would think that whatever happened was his idea. She couldn't be obvious. No, she knew that if she wanted to get to him, she had to be sneaky about it.

Maybe a lesser person would have admitted defeat, but Hermione Granger was nothing if not determined, and she knew she had to come up with a way to get him to see her, without making it obvious that that was what she was doing.

It was time to play 'hard to get.'

The next morning found Severus in a slightly calmer disposition. A decent night's sleep and the cup of coffee he was currently working on helped considerably. He found that as long as he didn't actively dwell on his impending doom, he was able to maintain his emotions. That wouldn't be so easy once the castle was decked in offensive shades of pink – not that there was a shade of pink that was inoffensive – but he decided to enjoy his sanity while he still could.

He entered the staff room and found Hermione Granger bent over a newspaper, completely oblivious to her surroundings. Hermione Granger, Severus thought. Now, there is a quandary… Severus didn't know what to make of her. She was no longer the little girl he remembered so well, bouncing up and down in her seat every time he asked a question, never deterred by his obvious disregard. No, she was grown up now, though that was the farthest Severus would let himself think on that matter; those were murky waters best avoided.

She still had the same spark for life she'd always had, the same tenacity and love of learning. The woman she'd become was someone he could bear, maybe even like if he gave it much thought. She was intelligent, though she no longer felt the need to shove her higher knowledge down every throat she encountered. She was polite and well mannered, though not exactly socially inclined. She was very… Well, that was just it; Severus didn't know if he found her completely unremarkable… or extraordinary.

He could think of nothing in particular that set her apart from everyone else other than her brilliance, but that was standard for her. Severus thought that if there was something extraordinary about her, it wasn't her brilliance. It was something else… something he couldn't put his finger on, some inner quality that those around her could tell was there, but could never really see. So, though he couldn't figure out what it was the made her extraordinary, he didn't think she was ordinary either… This was giving him a headache.

He realized that he was staring at her. Luckily, she hadn't seemed to notice. Severus shook his confusing thoughts away and crossed the room to take the seat next to her. She looked up briefly and tilted her chin up once to acknowledge him and then continued reading, as though he wasn't there.

Severus thought this was odd. She usually had a warm greeting and a smile for him – he rarely returned either, but that wasn't the point. He considered possibilities of why her behavior would have changed and immediately remembered his words to her the night before. So, she was taking them at face value, was she? He would've thought she'd have learned to take his moods in stride. She'd never gotten angry when he lashed out at her before… Actually, as he studied her further, she didn't seem to be angry now either, just busy. She appeared relaxed, but focused. Her coloring was normal – no angry flush, no flashing eyes. Again, odd. Severus came to the conclusion that she was either too busy to notice he was watching her, or she was purposely ignoring him. For some reason, both of those ideas bothered him. He decided to test the waters.

"Good morning, Miss Granger," he said.

"Morning," she replied, sparing him a glance and a distracted half-smile.

Okay, so she wasn't ignoring him… That meant she was simply too engrossed in her reading to pay attention to him. She'd sort of smiled at him, but the usual warmth was gone. This was rather disconcerting. He didn't like being made to feel like he was a bother to someone, whether they meant to do it or not. It made him feel… little. He wanted her to go back to the way she always was. Usually she smiled at him, and he sometimes nodded, sometimes stared blankly, and sometimes sneered back at her – but she never changed, no matter what he did. She was a constant.

What could she possibly be so interested in that was more important that easing his discomfort?

He couldn't keep a slightly unsettled tone out of his voice. "Miss Granger, perhaps you would enlighten me as to what you find so engrossing?"

"Hmmm?" she asked. "Oh, er… you wouldn't be interested," she muttered, then went back to whatever it was.

He scowled.

"Miss Granger," he barked, and she jumped, startled. This annoyed him even further. "I asked you a simple question. It is common courtesy to respond."

She glared back. "And it is common courtesy, Professor, not to interrupt someone when they are in the middle of something. For your information, I'm reading about a friend of mine who recently made a breakthrough in Chinese Arithmancy." She stared him down with a hard expression.

Severus was completely taken aback. He had seriously expected her to apologize for ignoring him, explain in detail what she was reading, and try to get him to talk with her about it. Instead, she had put him in his place with a few well-chosen words. He realized his mouth was hanging open and closed it promptly before clearing his throat and looking away.

"I told you that you wouldn't be interested," she said in a firm tone. "Now, if you don't mind…" She went back to her reading without another word or glance to Severus.

He was at a loss. He didn't know whether to be angry or impressed. Perhaps he was both.

He wondered how long this new attitude of hers would last.

Something startling struck Severus as he sat there. It was the thought that he might have just caught a glimpse of that elusive, extraordinary quality he'd been wondering about. It was an unsettling realization – especially considering that it had come to the surface while she was telling him off. What did that mean?

He finished his coffee and left for breakfast deep in thought.

The door closed, and Hermione burst out laughing, a self-satisfied smirk on her face. That couldn't have gone more perfectly, and she'd have been lying if she said she hadn't enjoyed telling him off. From here it was only a matter of keeping up the pretence of disinterest. She could tell he was already irritated by her new demeanor. This was perfect! There was no better way to get someone to notice you than to irritate him.

If she pulled this off – and she knew she could – Severus Snape wouldn't know what hit him!

Several days later, Severus had all but forgotten about the upcoming Bachelor Auction. He would have considered this a good thing if it hadn't been for the new problem that was occupying his thoughts. Hermione Granger was still ignoring him. She hadn't said 'hello,' hadn't smiled at him… It was as though she'd forgotten he existed. She didn't even seem to notice him glaring at her all the time. Severus wanted to do… something. He wanted to make her react, but he didn't know how to go about it. She was a puzzle that he couldn't solve, and it was driving him crazy.

Hermione, for her part, knew exactly what Severus was going through. She would have to have been blind not to notice. She thought it was a testament to her skills as a woman that she was able to keep up the pretence of indifference while under that glare of his.

Still, she knew that even as irritated as he was, she was going to have to prompt him into the next action. A little exercise in cause and effect, as it were. But what to do…

The answer came to her as she sat at the staff table and watched a group of students talking. She couldn't hear them, but their body language spoke louder than words ever could. There were three students: a girl and two boys. She watched as the one of the boys addressed the girl, obviously trying to get her attention, only to be ignored as she turned her attention to the other boy and began conversing with him animatedly. The first boy's obvious jealousy was plain to be seen by all.

This was it. She knew she wouldn't get anywhere blatantly trying to make Severus jealous by showing interest in another man – it was too soon for that; she had to be subtle, go slowly. Severus was irritated by her lack of polite acknowledgement toward him, her unwillingness to instigate a conversation. Therefore, she thought, the way to incite him into action was to show polite interest in someone else, converse with someone else – in front of him. Even though she knew it was too soon to try and make him jealous in a romantic way, instinct told her that this 'someone else' should be a male.

She pondered who was the most likely candidate to get on Severus' nerves. A wicked grin spread on her face as she glanced at the DADA teacher.

The next morning at breakfast, Hermione's chance arrived. She sat reading the newspaper, with Severus on her right and an empty chair on her left. After a few minutes of reading and feeling Severus' eyes on her, Remus Lupin took the empty chair, and she seized her opportunity.

"Hello, Hermione," he said pleasantly as he sat down. "How are you this morning?"

She turned a bright smile to him and returned his greeting. "I'm fine, Remus. How have you been?"

He poured himself some juice. "I can't complain."

Hermione went back to her reading. After a moment, Remus spoke again. "Anything worth reading about today?"

"Yes, actually," she said, tilting the paper toward him. "Apparently they've upped security at Gringotts…" She launched into an involved explanation, which Remus was genuinely interested in.

Several minutes later, it was time to go prepare her classroom for the day. She and Remus ended their conversation, and she folded up her paper. Remus left, and she scooted out from the table and stood up. She pretended not to notice Severus' livid expression as she left to Great Hall. As soon as her back was to him, she smiled again and congratulated herself on a scene well played.

Severus was furious. So, she'd talk to Lupin, but she wouldn't talk to him? She'd smile and laugh with the werewolf, but couldn't spare him a second glance? What was Severus, chopped liver?

We'll see about this, Miss Granger.

"Miss Granger," Severus said to her, nodding once as he saw her in the corridor. Nowhere to run to, Granger, he thought with a smirk.

He was wrong. Hermione glanced at him, raised her eyebrows once, and walked away quickly before he could even think of something to stop her. Severus was left feeling sourer than before.

His next attempt, he thought, was bound to get results. He'd orchestrate it so that she would have no choice but to acknowledge him.

He felt awkward doing it, but he pushed the feeling aside as he knocked on the door of her quarters the next evening. He knew she was home; he'd seen her enter on her way back from dinner, and she hadn't left since.

He was right. She opened the door and looked at him in mild surprise. "Oh. Hello, Professor. Is there something I can help you with?"

Severus smirked tightly. "As a matter of fact, there is, Miss Granger. I'm working on developing a new elixir, and I could use your expertise in Arithmancy to advise me." It wasn't quite true; Hermione did know more about Arithmancy than he did – as well she should since it was the subject she taught – but Severus knew enough to get by. He knew enough that he didn't truly need her help, but he figured if there was anything that would tempt Hermione to drop her disinterested attitude, it was presenting her with an opportunity to share her knowledge, to be a part of creating something new and exciting.

Apparently, he was incorrect. He had expected Hermione's eyes to light up with excitement at his proposal, but no such thing happened. Instead, she looked distinctly… bored.

"Erm, that sounds… interesting, Professor." She didn't look like she believed anything of the sort. "When did you want my help?"

Severus gritted his teeth. "Any evening you're free this week would be fine, though the sooner the better, I would say."

"…Right. Well, I suppose I could check my schedule. I'm rather busy this week, Professor. Are you sure you need my help?"

"Quite."

"I see. All right, then… I'll look over my evenings and get back to you."

"Very well, Miss Granger. See that you do."

"If that's all, Professor, have a good evening." The door was promptly and softly closed in his face.

Severus was, once again, livid. She'd made it sound as if he was inconveniencing her for even asking! She was busy? Busy with what? She wasn't busy. She was purposely ignoring him – he just knew it!

He stood there fuming for a moment before stalking off in a huff. Well, she had better get back to him in a timely manner, or he'd have a few words for her. In fact, he just might have a few words for her anyway!

Busy indeed.

Hermione closed the door and smiled. Her plan was moving along swimmingly. Her work was paying off. Severus was doing exactly what she'd hoped for – coming to her. She just had to keep this up a little longer, then ease off. She chuckled as she remembered the look on his face when she'd told him she would have to check her schedule… Dear God, this was priceless – well worth the acting involved just to see his nostrils flair in indignity like that.

The truth was, of course, that she had plenty of time. She could have followed him back to his lab at that moment, but where would be the fun in that? No, she had to keep him on his toes.

The next morning, Severus watched as Hermione entered the Great Hall and took her seat beside him. He scowled when she made no move to speak to him.

"Miss Granger," he said tersely.

"Oh, hello, Professor. Was there something you needed?" She looked politely curious, and it made Severus' blood boil.

"You know perfectly well that there is," he spat.

She looked at him blankly, and he narrowed his eyes. "The potion, Miss Granger, your help?"

"Oh, that."

"Yes, that." He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from saying something that would send him backpedaling.

"I'm sorry, Professor. I was going to tell you about that. It just slipped my mind."

"How convenient," he said acidly.

She looked at him strangely, as if wondering what on earth could have caused his harsh tone. "I checked my schedule, and you'll be happy to know that I can help you on Saturday evening."

"That's in six days," he said, glaring.

"Yes, so?"

"I'm just supposed to put my work on hold until then?"

"Well, you did say I could help you any time over the next week. I'm sorry, Professor. That's the earliest I can do it."

Severus didn't believe that for one second, but he decided to count this as a win. She had agreed after all. "Fine. I'll expect you in my lab at seven sharp on Saturday. And, Miss Granger, do be punctual. I haven't all the time in the world."

"Of course, Professor. I'll be there. I really am sorry for making you wait so long." Her voice was apologetic, but Severus didn't buy it. Still, he wasn't going to make an issue of it now that she had conceded. He finally had a chance to spend a whole evening trying to crack her façade. He grumbled something acquiescent and went back to his breakfast.

Now he just had to figure out what potion he would be 'needing her help with.'

More Notes From SB: Thanks go to SouthernWitch69 for betaing and for listening to me rant about this story. A round of applause for SW!

And a review wouldn't offend me. ;)