Title: Can I Keep Him?

Author: JadeHeart

Warnings: none really

Summary: Yuki has a question that needs answering.

He was unmistakably cute. Even Yuki had to admit to that and he hated using the word 'cute'. It was a word that he felt was always highly over-rated and certainly overused. The context in which it was applied many a time usually made him want to throw up. That particular word he felt should be struck from the dictionary, tossed out completely, banned from use. It always sounded so cloyingly, sickeningly sweet that just thinking of it made him feel as though he had been forced to consume a bag of raw sugar and the saccharine aftertaste now clung to the roof of his mouth, making his teeth feel furry, and generally making him feel sick to the stomach. He may have a sweet tooth where certain things were concerned, such as strawberry shortcake, but he did not use the word 'cute'.

But he did have to admit that 'cute' seemed to be the only word that suited, as much as he tried to find something else. Those big eyes, wider than seemed normal, framed in a perfectly proportional face. Eyes full of trust and, perhaps…love? What a stupid thought. You can't see that sort of thing in eyes. That was just one of those stupid clichés that he sometimes wrote in his novels because it was exactly such romantic drivel that sold millions of copies around the world. People always wanted to believe in such nonsensical fantasy. Reality was far from that.

However, 'cute' didn't make up for everything. In fact, 'cute' couldn't even come close to covering anything that was associated with this. 'Cute' was just a passing fancy, a fad, a phase, here today then gone tomorrow. 'Cute' was not enough to be permanent, or even create enough desire to retain that permanency. 'Cute' was not reality.

Could he keep him? What if he did?

Feeding him wasn't really a problem, Yuki grudgingly admitted. He had a healthy appetite, ate almost anything and seemed to have a cast iron stomach. Yuki was a good enough cook that he took some pride in that and it was nice, as much as he would have denied it if anyone else had tried to point it out to him, to have those culinary skills appreciated.

But, if he did keep him, he would be responsible for him. Did he want the responsibility of caring for something else in his life?

That thought really didn't appeal to him at all. He had always only looked after himself and that was the way he wanted it. Hell, it was a hard enough job for him to do that most of the time if he was forced to be completely honest with himself. He smoked too much, drank too much, kept lousy hours (especially when he was in the middle of writing) so his body clock was screwed most of the time. He ate poorly, for although he could cook well he found it quite a drag to cook just for himself and when he was working he couldn't be bothered at all, so most of the time his nutritional intake consisted of beer and cake; he always made certain to stock up on those at least. He was short-tempered, grouchy in the mornings, hated being bothered at the best of times and certainly not when he was working. He disliked anything getting moved or changed in his place from its original position and he, above all, hated change. He was pig-headed to the point of delusional denial, he was seeing a shrink who seemed completely fascinated by the distorted, twisted specimen that had turned up on her couch, and his stomach was being slowly eaten away by an ulcer. From all of that he was on so much medication that when he moved he rattled! If he couldn't even take care of himself properly what on earth made him even remotely think that he could care for anything else?!

No, it was impossible. He was not prepared to take anything else into his life; his own was quite enough to try and cope with. In fact, it was more than enough.

But he was cute, the thought surfaced again. Trusting, so trusting for some reason. So trusting of Yuki, despite everything that he had done and no doubt would continue to do. What made him give such trust? How could he have such belief that Yuki would look after him? What made him think that he could stay here? He seemed to have no doubts yet Yuki hadn't even said that he could, it had just …happened.

Yuki pondered that for a moment. When did his life spin so out of his control without him even noticing? When did his life become something so...different? Different from what it had been; different from what he had thought it would be? Is this what it would be like from now on?

He snorted. What stupidity! He couldn't read the future. No-one could despite their claims; that was one thing he firmly believed in. He didn't believe in fate, destiny, karma or whatever - he believed only in himself. So, he pondered again, if he only believed in himself, just how did he end up in this position?

He watched the subject of his thoughts with an analytical eye, like examining a specimen under a microscope, taking in every detail with a critical gaze. Yes, there was no denying it; he was cute. Yuki really wished he could find a better word - anything would be better than 'cute' but he was at a loss to do so, so 'cute' it had to remain.

He tried to think it through logically, from a completely unemotional perspective. If he kept him it wasn't like it was going to cost him anything more, he supposed. The food bill would be pretty much the same probably; nothing else would likely alter with any use of the utilities, at least not to any great extent. He didn't have to worry about any landlord as it was his own place so he could do whatever he liked within these walls.

But he was bound to get underfoot, Yuki was sure of that. He would be bothersome and annoying and irritating and make him lose his temper, and then he would feel guilty afterwards which would only make him even angrier. How dare anything try and manipulate him, Eiri Yuki, in his own home! No, absolutely, emphatically not! He would not be keeping him; that was final. Finito.

But…. the thought just wouldn't go away, worming itself back into his mind. Look how relaxed he is, how comfortable he appears curled up on the couch like that. Yuki could feel himself calming a little, what could have been the beginnings of a soft smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. It was something he had begun to notice lately, something that seemed to happen almost involuntarily when he was around the other. It seemed the other's presence did that to him somehow, make him act in ways that he never had before and it often caught him by surprise. Somehow it seemed that his heart was beginning to soften, to open up and allow feelings that he had never experienced before bubble to the surface, washing over him like a soothing balm. Yuki didn't want to admit that he liked feeling this way even though he did because accompanying it was also a feeling of fear; fear of the unknown, the unexpected. This strange new world that was opening up to him was frightening for it seeped into his very soul.

But he couldn't deny the feelings that were there, aside from the fear. It was nice to feel at peace for once, to not have all the strange thoughts and memories churning inside his heart and mind, pulling him this way and that in fragmented shards. He relished those brief moments of peace. They may not last long but they were still there for a time, however short. Did he want to give that up? Did he want to go back to the way it was before - before he came? Back to that cold calculating existence that he had lived in, in a dark world that was full of suspicion and cynicism? The thought didn't appeal to him at all now. What had once been comfortable and familiar he now looked back on with almost a sense of abhorrence.

When had his view of the world, of his own life, changed? At the first meeting in the dark of night? Was it from the moment that he had picked up that wet, bedraggled creature in the rain? When?

Yuki continued to gaze upon the creature curled on his couch looking so at home as though he belonged there and no where else. It was strange really but Yuki had come to expect to see him there, as though he was already like a part of the furniture.

He watched as Shuichi raised his head and opened his arms to reveal the fragile treasure he cradled in their protective circle. "Can we keep him?" he pleaded, turning all his persuasive power on Yuki.

Yuki viewed the tiny ball of fluff as Shuichi reached out and with one slender finger, gently stroked the tiny head and down the back, making it arch under his touch in pleasure, the sound of its purrs filling the silence of the room. Such faith, such trust, Yuki thought, bemused. Why? Why should he trust so wholeheartedly like that, this small creature that could so easily be broken? Where did this well of trust come from?

"Please?" Shuichi said, looking up at Yuki again. "He's so cute!"

Yuki wanted to refuse. He didn't want this responsibility; he didn't need any more complications in his life. He didn't need anything more to confuse his very existence. But could he refuse? Could he deny any of this?

Shuichi was still waiting for his answer and he found himself saying, "I suppose so," in answer to the question, and reluctant agreement to the statement.

At this admission he suddenly felt a wave a what could have been relief, a lessening of the tension that had seemed to hold him frozen in place as he had agonised. So, it would appear he would keep him. Keep him close, no matter how irritating or bothersome, or the extra responsibility it meant. He'd keep him despite the fears and worries and doubts. He guessed he could get used to it. So, yes, he would keep him.

After all, someone had to look after the damn cat.