You guys and your comments and loyalty are all so amazing. I'm so sorry for my absence. I've just been so busy and stressed out. Don't think that I've forgotten about you guys though! I still read when I can and I'm trying to find time to write!

I can't wait until this summer when I can just write all I want!

Here's an update. It's rather long actually. It's the first in almost two months I believe, so I decided that you guys deserved more than just a small thing!

The room was silent, other than the monotone beeping of machines. Her face was turned away from the door, but the deep movements of her chest revealed that she was fast asleep, hopefully lost to a dream better than her reality. Without even looked hard, one could see the severity of her injuries. Derek leaned against the door jam, his head resting against the cool metal. There was something stopping him from stepping closer, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from her.

He couldn't imagine the hell she had been living, or the hell he put her through that led her to this destination. Guilt consumed him as he thought of all the nights he called her to that hotel room all those years ago, or surprised her at home or at work. It was selfish. He took so much from her and never gave anything back. He had been blind to her vacant eyes and her disappearing smile. He'd done something to stop it this time, but that didn't make anything better. There was nothing he could do to make up for the damage he had already done.

Sighing, he looked around her room again until his eyes fell upon the cards hanging on the wall next to her bed. Her kids must already have visited. What would they think? What were they told? Their father was a monster. How do small children handle that? Except Madelyn – she knew her father wasn't a monster. He was just absent. He wasn't there her entire life and he wasn't there this morning when he could have been. He had only known he was a Dad for less than twenty-four hours and he already screwed up. This day was one of those days that kids don't forget, no matter how old they get. Yet, Derek wasn't there for his only daughter.

It's slightly ironic, actually. People generally think that the kids who have horrible parents will be bad parents and the kids with the good parents will be good parents. Apparently humanity only learns from example. Well, everyone who thinks that must be wrong. Meredith had the worst upbringing Derek could imagine, but despite her faults, she is the best mother she can be. Derek, on the other hand, had the best parents he could have asked for, yet he is so selfish he doesn't even realizing when he's degraded another human being to the depth of suicide. He can't even be there for his daughter. Not even physically.

For the first time, it became completely apparent to him exactly how selfish he was. He was ridiculously, embarrassingly selfish. And the worst part was that he always thought he was doing the right thing. He had been lying to himself his entire life and thinking he was the victim. Instead, he was the culprit. Why in the world would Meredith even want him? She deserves so much better than him, than this, than Trevor. She's better. She's better than all of them, but here she is. It's proof that life isn't fair, at least not to her. What at all about this situation is the slightest bit fair to her? Nothing, but she probably things it is exactly what she deserves.

Derek's cell phone began to vibrate again, but he didn't even notice. He just kept staring at her body, refusing to slip into doctor mode and assess her injuries. It was usually involuntary, but he was terrified of knowing what was beneath that blanket. Holding her in the dark, he knew he couldn't feel the extent of her injuries, but what he did was horrible all in it's own.

"Derek?"

Snapping out of his revere, Derek turned around, stunned to see a familiar face staring back at him. He swallowed hard, not even pretending that he had any excuse for the latest events in his life. She just looked at him, learning more about him in those few seconds than she probably had in their entire relationship. Seeing a broken man can tell you many things about their character and what is important to him. She realized in that moment that whatever was going on, it wasn't going to get better. Things had been slipping for months and she only had let herself be partly aware of it, but now it was obvious.

He felt like he should say something, like he had a duty to say something. She deserved an explanation and an apology, but he had neither. He could see her heart breaking in her eyes, but she held up a shield and built a wall that prevented him from seeing the extent of her heartbreak. She just looked at him, letting him know that she was hurt and that it was his fault. But he already knew it, he'd known for a long time. Before he felt guilty about his old feelings for Meredith coming back, but he couldn't anymore. Now all of his guilt was reserved for the many things he had done to her over the years. He had none left to extend to Analyse, regardless of what she deserved.

Derek walked across the hall and sat down in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs, feeling the sudden need to sit down. Analyse silently made her way over to him, sitting down next to him, yet keeping the distance of an ocean. He ran his hands over his face, his eyes finding their place in Meredith's room again. He leaned back in the chair, sighing and trying to get his thoughts together. "I have a daughter," he whispered, catching Analyse's attention.

"What did you say?" she asked, either deafened by the noises in the hospital or her disbelief. Neither of them could be exactly sure.

"I have a daughter," Derek said, the words still coming out as pure amazement.

Moments passed before he realized the things that could possibly by running through Analyse's mind. He turned to her, solely so she could look into his eyes and know he was not lying. "I never cheated on you," he clarified. "She's ten years old. Her name is Madelyn and she's… she's amazing." He shook his head, still trying to make the words seem normal to him, "I have a ten year old daughter that I just found out about yesterday."

Analyse took a deep breath. "You have a daughter," she repeated; no real purpose other than something to say. "Who is her mother?"

He tried to resist the smile that graced his lips when the answer came into his mind, but he failed. He nodded to the room, allowing his eyes to take sight of her again through the cracked door. "Meredith," he breathed.

Analyse looked up at the room. She had connected the dots in her mind the moment he said he had a daughter, but she needed the proof. Maybe, if she could understand that he would be leaving her for the mother of his child than it would make it hurt less. It would make the absence of a man who had been in her life for over a year not hurt so much. She was still hoping, but she knew it was pointless. This was not a pain she could avoid.

"Is she okay?" Analyse asked, for reasons she didn't even understand. How can you feel sympathy for the women taking the man you love away from you? Is that even supposed to be possible?

Derek shook his head, "I don't know." He sighed and looked back at Analyse, "I don't know what to say to you."

"I don't know what to say either," she shrugged, the honesty of her statement obvious.

Derek looked her in the eye and began a conversation he knew he could not avoid. "I have no explanation. I don't know what's going on. I don't know what is going to happen. My head is so twisted and filled right now that I can't believe I'm actually forming coherent words. I'm just lost right now."

"You don't have to know everything all the time," she said with a small smile, recalling all the times she's told him that before. Only this time, she was fairly certain it was the last time. It was the last time for a lot of things.

Derek blinked, surprised by her kindness. He expected her to lash out on him, but she wasn't. He should have known that Analyse was better than that. She had always had more class than that. "I never meant to hurt you."

"I know," she said, both of them knowing that that changed absolutely nothing. She stood up and looked down at him. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay since you didn't come back last night." Derek sat up straighter and began to speak, but she cut him off. "It's okay. Well, I mean, it's not okay, it really isn't, but at the same time it is. You obviously care about her and whatever happened to her, she obviously needs you. Who am I to stand in the way of that? I'm strong, I'll be okay. You have a daughter to take care of now. I'm not going to stand in the way of that either."

Derek stood up, unsure of the way he should react to her words. This was the end of a chapter of his life and he was feeling an incredible amount of pain, a level of pain that was hitting him completely unexpectedly. "Analyse-"

"No, don't say anything," she said, stepping back. "It'll just make it harder. I don't want to know the details. What I know is enough. There is something bigger than us dictating our lives and I think our part together is over now. I can live with that. Maybe I'll see you around, okay?"

She stepped closer to Derek and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before stepping back again. "I want to stay in the apartment, but you can have all the time you need to get your stuff. I understand you have a lot going on," she said, her eyes drifting over to Meredith's room.

"If you have the sudden urge to burn all of it, I wouldn't blame you," Derek joked, lamely attempting to make light of the situation.

Analyse smiled, "I might take you up on that."

A small silence formed between them, but Analyse ended it before it could get awkward. "Bye Derek."

"Bye."

The finality of their words was painful, but as she walked away, another emotion was mixed in to his body. He couldn't exactly distinguish what it was, but as he walked back over to Meredith's room, he was finally able to walk inside. Without hesitating, he pulled a chair over to her bed and sat down, taking her hand in his, cautious of her IV.

And despite the situation and everything horrible that surrounded them, something felt right.