Author's notes: This piece is pretty confusing at the beginning. Normally I just let stories speak for themselves, but this one requires extra patience. All will be explained eventually, I promise.

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"You don't know what you're asking, Captain." Simon said, and Mal was startled by the cold, flat tone of his voice. "I came very, very close- far too damn close for comfort- to breaking myself as throughly as the Alliance broke River."

"I got no other options, doc. Maybe you've some other idea to get out of this?" Mal was startled by the hope he felt; then again if anyone could possibly get them out of this situation it would be Simon, one way or another. "This ain't my world."

"Nor mine." Simon snapped. He ran a hand over his face and shivered. "I... don't know if I even can. I was on the edge of madness, last time. Maybe over it. It was luck, like I told you when I nearly killed Kaylee."

"I don't blame you for it, son." Mal soothed. "I did at the time, sure, but I got over it." He awkwardly reached out to pat the doctor on the shoulder.

Simon didn't even notice the tentative gesture. "I never did." He turned and practically fled the bridge.

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River eventually found Simon, curled up tight in the smallest hidey-hole he knew of inside Serenity. She was almost surprised- almost- that the rest of the crew couldn't feel his distress and anguish. The crew, nice as most of them were, could be singularly insensitive.

"Simon?" She asked, sliding into the hole beside him. There was just enough room for her to wedge herself in next to his feet and slide the heavy panel back over the opening, cutting them off from the world.

"River." He answered, and she could feel his desperate amusement at the reversal of roles. He said nothing more- she could feel the emptiness and his struggle to keep from falling into it.

"When you look into the abyss, it looks back into you." She muttered and hugged his lower legs, since the rest of him was out of reach. "Emptiness... nothing is easier. Ground state. Entropy is running- takes energy to defeat."

"Energy which I severely lack." Simon said, for once understanding perfectly. "I... wish I could help. But I can't risk- what I did before. I just can't." River felt his soul-deep shudder and hugged him tighter. She didn't reply, though. He had to be uninfluenced- the decision, when it came (and it would) would have to be his own.

"Betrayal." She said instead. "Unnatural. An unweaned puppy put outside in the cold and dark night." She loosened her grip on his legs and patted his knee instead. "Hard to feel."

Simon half-laughed, half-sobbed, and slid out into the slightly wider space near the entrance. She sat on his lap, wedged with her back against his chest on one side and her drawn-up knees pressing the wall on the other. He held her tightly, his face pressed into her hair.

"Can't just act, have to feel. Feel deep, deep to the bone. None of the others can... they don't know how. Not even Captain. Betrayed, yes, but never personally." She said, not to persuade him but to remind him. She could feel his rejection, a solid wall in his mind and a slight shake of his head against her. "Too dangerous for me..." She stopped instantly as his mind fell, spiraled away into icy logic and stark light. She couldn't follow there. She had pushed, accidentally, and he was gone. He would kill himself for her- would walk into a room of Reavers unarmed and bound if it meant her freedom and happiness. His mere sanity was a small price, he thought, and just the idea that she might go in his place was enough to make the decision for him.

She pulled away as much as she could in the small space and kicked out the panel shutting away the world. The world flowed back in- light and warmth. None of it touched him. She scuttled away and watched him emerge, eyes wide and hands over her mouth. She could feel him store the image of her running from him- he would use it and it would slice his mind to ribbons. She wanted to go to him, but a gulf as wide and as black as space itself was between them now.

"I am Doctor Harold Black." He announced. "I am a new recruit to the Alliance military corps. I have no family, no friends to speak of. I believe wholeheartedly with the Alliance that control must be maintained on the Rim planets." River shrank away and shut her eyes tight, wishing she could shut her mind. Simon believed what he was saying; believed it to his soul, if he still had one. "I am volunteering for the purpose of-"

He was interrupted by Mal's arrival. The Captain looked on in confusion as River scurried over and hid behind him. "Uh, doc, you feelin' okay?"

He was even more visibly boggled when Simon turned and just stared at him, in a way that made glacial caves seem warm and friendly. "No. I'm going to miss the recruitment if you move any slower."

"Uh, recruitment?" Mal asked, taken aback. Very aback. The kid hadn't been this uppity even when he first got on board.

Simon just glared and turned sharply on his heel, marching out of the common area towards his bunk. River began crying quietly as Mal blinked. "Pushed him off the cliff." She moaned. "I- I didn't mean too. I never know what I'm saying." She latched onto the Captain's arm- a pathetic, childish instinct that she couldn't control.

Mal's face slowly twisted with comprehension- and apprehension. "You mean he's gonna spy for us?"

"Yes." River breathed, and tightened her grip. She also hid her face against the rough fabric of his shirt; again, a childish action but still uncontrollable.

"Didn't he say that was dangerous?" Mal asked carefully, his mind racing, trying to find all the consequences. "That he could hurt his mind or something?"

River didn't answer aloud, just nodded against his shirt. And began crying again. Nothing in the 'verse could stop Simon- Harold- now. He'd already fallen, and she couldn't catch him.

"Things fall apart, the center cannot hold. Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world." She quoted. "He isn't Simon anymore." She began sobbing in earnest then; Mal held her helplessly. "God help him."

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Eating dinner with Simon- Harold now, Mal reminded himself- that night was the most difficult thing that he had ever done, but he would be damned in every sense of the word if he let Sim- Harold eat alone. Even if he obviously wanted to. He was just grateful that he'd found some pretense to keep Kaylee and the crew away, and that Inara had volunteered to watch River.

"You needn't keep up this farcical performance, Captain." The doctor- it was easier to think of him that way and not by name- kept shoveling food into his mouth, obviously not tasting it and not caring to. "You don't like me and I very much dislike you."

Mal snorted. "I aim to watch you 'til you're off my ship. I don't trust you." The words hurt, ripping from his throat. He fancied he could hear River screaming.

Simon nodded, perfectly content with the statement. "I would appreciate some training in weapons. I am not wholly unfamiliar with guns, but any additional knowledge would increase my chances of being able to help the Alliance effort."

Mal's mouth went slightly dry at the casual and easy way the doc said that. "And you would do anything to help them?" He asked, unable to keep himself from probing just how deep Simon's- Harold's new mindset went. River had assured him that even she didn't know her brother anymore, and he was practically unrecognizable physically due to a different bearing and a new martial mustache. It would have looked utterly ridiculous to anyone who had known Simon, but it somehow fit Harold to a tee.

"Don't ever visit my intentions, Captain." Simon said, in a tone as coolly murderous as any Mal had ever heard, including Niska's. He sounded like he didn't care in the slightest if he killed Mal or not, and it was all kinds of frightening. "Don't ever."

Mal nodded, taking the words to heart, and looked up at the sound of something crashing to the floor. Inara stood in the door of the common room, looking like she'd seen a particularly violent and vengeful ghost. Simon- Harold nodded at her coldly; she shuddered and practically ran away. Mal considered the back of the doctor's head for a moment, then followed Inara out into the passageway.

"Inara?" He asked once out of earshot of the dining room. "Are you alright?" There was more than simple concern for her welfare in the question, but she was hopefully to upset to hear it.

"What's happened to him, Mal?" She asked directly, leaning against the passage wall with her arms around herself. "He... changed. Or froze."

"He's goin' to play spy." Mal said, and regretted the harsh words the second they were out.

Inara shook her head. "It was more than that- he was a different man. Entirely. He was quoting Jubal Early and meant what he said- and the threat behind the words. I know sincerity that- that deep when I hear it." She shivered, and looked down at Serenity's deck. "Did he... go mad?"

"Perilous close." Mal muttered. "No, it's what he did when he had to get River out. He picked a part to play, planned it all out, and schooled himself 'til he can't be anything but. Last time he had a specfic guidin' purpose and something to hold onto- I don't reckon 'Go find things out and find a way to get us out of this mess' will be enough so that he can play a part and not loose himself to it."

"This... was your idea?" Inara stated as much as asked. He could see the fear- and it had been fear, which was startling- turning to anger.

"Yes." Mal said honestly. "But the boy thought of the idea first. He had all his objections ready and waitin'."

"I need to see to River- no wonder she's been crying." Inara said, stone-faced. She swirled around, gown settling again after the abrupt movement, and swept away, leaving Mal alone in the passage. The doc would be off soon enough that the crew wouldn't have time to see him before he left; it was for the best, even though Mal heartily regretted having the idea in the first place. Kaylee would cry- hell, he might cry. For now, Simon might as well be dead and buried.

To be continued