Disclaimer: I don't own any of the theories in or related to the Da Vinci Code… I also don't own the word "Bootylicious" or any of the other cultural references I make.

Leonarda Falls In Love

By: A very frustrated young author who also paints, but is more frustrated in the painting department than the writing. Thought you might want to know.

Roma had always been considered the runt of the family: his dowdy brown hair fell lankly over his not very impressive shoulders and when he walked he looked like a duck. Even though he was actually the oldest son in the 3564 Leaning Tower Street clan, he was rumored to have the least charisma and absolutely no luck with the ladies. However, that was before Leonarda.

The day he'd fallen in love with this angelic, admittedly somewhat square, yet sublimely feminine creature had been a Thursday. And Roma hated Thursdays. In between his petty squabble with the kitchen maid about a piece of pie named after his neighbor Mrs. Da Vinci (invented by her loyal son Leonardo Da Vinci) and his composing of a love song to the melody of "Mary Had A Little Lamb," Roma had found her.

She was a vision of innocence, with her soft brown hair and equally brown dress. She had been sitting at her window, painting her image onto a canvas using a pigment that just happened to smell very bad. However, even through the disgustingly toxic haze that her pigments created Roma had come to the conclusion that he was in love.

Ever since then, he had spent all day by his window watching his one true love. The only thing confused him was that she seemed to share a room with her brother, Leonardo. The lout was obnoxious and terrible in the extreme. He teased the pigeons outside, tried experiments with Mrs. Da Vinci's cats, and had a complete disregard for his angelic sister's belongings. Therefore, Roma had decided to set the villain straight: he would not tolerate Leonardo's disrespect for his sister's possessions.

So that day, it was a Saturday, Roma go ready for battle. He curled his hair, put on an impressive array of clothing, and laced up his good walking shoes. As he strode out of his room, taking on last peak in the mirror, he thought about how Leonarda would be so happy with him for standing up for her.

He arrived at his neighbors' door and gave one timid knock, which was answered by the sound of a loud snoring inside. He knocked again, a cat started pouncing around inside. And then a third time, very loudly, the snore came to an abrupt halt. "Argh… Ugh… Ahh," someone cleared their throat, "Who is it?"

"It is I, you're neighbor and future son in law: Roma Colossus," replied Roma proudly. Every mother was proud to get their daughter of her hands in those days.

Not this mother, Leonardo's mother blanched. Oh no! Leonardo's behavior had finally gained notice. What was she to do? Ah hah… in the recesses of her mind there was a plan hatching. Leonardo would pretend to be Leonarda, simply disgust Roma to no avail and then pretend that he was being shipped off to a convent. Everything will be fine, she thought with a smile.

"Oh Roma, darling," she said opening the door, "I haven't seen you since you were five and fell off that donkey."

Roma blushed, "Ah, yes. That was a rather embarrassing incident, but as you can see I have matured to become a strong and perfect specimen of masculinity" That should persuade her, he thought.

"Very good," said Mrs. Da Vinci, thinking about how he would feel after her son put an end to all this rubbish. "Leonarda is currently taking a nap, but I'll wake her and see if she feels up to dealing with such a masculine figure today."

"Ah yes, but make sure that her evil brother that she shares a room with doesn't bother her," Roma added.

Mrs. Da Vinci ran up the stairs, madly thinking about how she would hang Leonardo by his toes when all this was over (well she wouldn't be that mean, she simply wouldn't give him his allowance.) "Leonardo C. Da Vinci!"

An explosion followed. "Mother, how many times do I have to tell you not to disturb me while I'm experimenting?"

"Don't talk to me like that or I'll set the cat on you!" Meanwhile Tommy, the cat, yawned as he surveyed Roma puffing up his chest in the foyer.

"What's go your underwear in a knot… is the new corset I designed for you terribly uncomfortable?" His mother turned another shade of red.

"Don't you speak that way with your mother! You've gotten this family in enough disrepute as it is and now the neighbor's son is my foyer convinced that he will marry you."

"How charming," Leonardo said with a far away look on his face.

"Charming? I rather you marry the pigeons on our roof than the neighbor's son!"

"But the pigeons are a little small, don't you think? And the language barrier might take a while to overcome."

"You will let Roma woo you, but put an end to his suit by the end of today! Or else I'll take away your allowance!"

"That's alright mother, I made enough money off that cake I invented. I don't really need it. However, I don't really fancy Roma, so I'll do it anyway." Leonardo started for the door… "Leonardo C. Da Vinci, you're dressed like a man!"

"But I am a man mother."

"Yes, but does he know that?"

"I would imagine so considering that his window is right by mine."

"He thinks that you are your female alter ego's brother."

"What an interesting idea! I must think on that."

"Alright, but in the meantime get into a dress will you?!?!"

"Mother asking me to get into a dress, I never thought I'd see the day."

Mrs. Da Vinci promptly storms out… leaving a mystified Leonardo scrambling for a frilly, pink dress with the word "Bootylicious" embroidered on the bodice. As Leonardo slips into the frilly creation, he thinks about the parallels between his love life and the star-crossed lover concept in his new book: "Romeo and Juliet." The silly thing, he realizes as he is slipping on his new heals, is that he isn't Romeo, but Juliet in this scenario.

"Roma, darling, can I get you something to drink?" asks a nervous Mrs. Da Vinci.

"That's alright Mrs. Da Vinci, my deep thirst will be quenched when I am finally able to drink in the adoring look that will be in Leonarda's beautiful eyes."

If only Leonardo really was a girl, his mother thinks forlornly and shrugs.

At this moment Tommy the cat leaves his perch next to Roma and slinks up the stairs.

"You stupid cat… this is my dress! If you want one you'll simply have to order one," comes a very disgruntled reply.

As Leonarda enters the foyer, time stops as the two young soon-to-be ex-lovers take each other in and eventually sigh.

She's even more gorgeous when you get closer, thinks Roma.

He looks better with his hair curled, thinks Leonarda as she reaches him her perfectly manicured hand. Roma clasps it eagerly, "My dear Leonarda…" he plants a sloppy, wet kiss I her palm. "My lovely dove, soul mate," another kiss."My heart's one desire… given you're a bit more hairy than most females, but that's OK we'll work with it."

Leonarda preens right up until the hairy bit and then thinks, hairy?!?! You little spoiled popinjay: you wouldn't know hairy if it bit you in the butt!

However, she ignores his brief lapse in etiquette and decides it's time to get rid of this ridiculous youth.

"Ah Roma, I see you're beard is coming in nicely," Leonarda said referring to Roma's glassily smooth cheeks.

"Ah yes Leonarda, that happens to men around this time in their life. You want to know what else happens," he asks, thinking he can easily lead this conversation to the crescendo of a proposal.

"No Roma. I'm absolutely clueless about the intimate workings of the male sex," Leonarda said sarcastically.

"Yes, I know darling. My sweet little innocent wouldn't know anything about those matters."

Innocent? I wonder if he's seen me in that French lingerie… Oh yes, he probably thought I was my own brother.

"I'm so innocent I don't even know what innocence is," Leonarda said smirking at the cat.

"Leonarda, darling, I have to ask you now… I can wait no longer," Roma got down on one knee, "Will you do me the honor of being my escort to the 18th annual Golden Sword Awards?"

Now the Golden Sword awards… this is getting interesting, Leonarda thought, that hot Italian gladiator is well worth meeting.

"Roma, sweetling… my little suckling pig, I would absolutely love to accompany you!" Mrs. Da Vinci choked. "Unfortunately, I won' be able to make it…" Mrs, Da Vinci sighed.

"And Roma, my snarling tiger, stop these advances on me… I'm far to bootylicious for you. I just wouldn't work."

"But my little butterfly…"

"I'm not your little butterfly," Leonardo was starting to get annoyed; "I'm waiting for my hero to come and rescue me from my mother and her cat. You're not my hero," Leonardo sniffed for the drama.

"I'll be your hero, Leonarda. I love you, my darling!"

"Not going to happen… talk to the hand 'cause the face ain't listenin'" Leonardo said, putting special emphasis on his artificial accent.

"I shall prove my love to you!" Roma yells at the top of his lungs.

The next day as Leonardo is finally putting the finishing touches on the smile in his painting, he glances over his shoulder into Roma's window.
"Red and blue stripes… is that a spider web design? Is the man an idiot?!?!?!"

An hour later he glances over only to see Roma trying to climb up walls… he's in critical condition two days later.

Leonarda is still waiting for her hero, but she knows she is too bootylicious for any mortal man. Life is hard for a goddess. However, she eagerly awaits Roma's return from the hospital.

Hope you liked this completely random piece of writing.