I haven't had the heart to write anything new for Xmas this year, so I thought what the hell and post this old one for those who haven't read it and for those who want to have a smile.
DISC: Nope. Never did. Never have. Never will own any of Star Trek or Paramount. I have enough headaches and screw ups in my life to take care of them too.
HOW TO PICK A XMAS TREE AND NOT KILL YOUR CMO
"What do you think of this one?"
"Fine."
"How about that one over there?"
"Fine."
There was a silent, dangerous pause in the snow filled air.
"Bones, you know you could say a little more than just fine."
"Okay Jim, how about I'm damn cold."
A disgusted snort was the reply.
"Or I'm damn cold and have lost complete feeling from my ass down."
"That's not helping Bones."
"I don't recall saying from the beginning that I wanted to help. In fact, I don't recall you giving me much of a damn choice, if I wanted to help or not!"
"If you didn't want to come in the first place, why the hell didn't you say so before we left!" Kirk snapped back as a flurry of snowflakes blew into his face.
Tucking his gloved hands farther under his armpits, McCoy glared with possibly more coldness than the weather had been thrashing on them, at Kirk from the depths of his faux fur fringed parka hood.
"I did Jim. I did from the second you came up with this cockamamie idea two days ago! I did everything but sing it in a Klingon opera dressed like Scarlet O'Hara." Snarled the Doctor as he stamped his feet to regain some of the lost warmth. "But you have this innate ability to hear words like, 'I'd rather dance the cha-cha naked in a cactus patch', and filter them until they come out as 'Sign me up! Sign me up! I'd love nothing more than freezing my buns off and dying on some obscure unnamed planet for the sake of your insane holiday euphoria.' Someone says tinsel or eggnog and some unnamed molecule in your DNA goes off half cocked and the rest of us have to suffer for it. There something not right about you Jim."
Staring at the Doctor for several frostbitten seconds, Kirk seem to be considering his words carefully. Or was giving serious thought to knocking the icicle that had formed on the end of McCoy nose off. Either way he gave the moment some serious time before turning back to the tree in front of the pair.
"What about this one?"
"Fine."
"Damn it Bones! Quit saying that!"
"What the hell do you want me to say! We've been here for over an hour looked at three dozen trees, that would've worked just fine. You nearly got yourself killed after shinning up that damn 200 foot tree. The only that saved you was hitting those last three branches on the way down. As well as the fact, your body is so numb you won't feel the after effects until you've had time to defrost for two days." McCoy grumbled back as he began flapping his arms in attempt to restore circulation. "And let's not forget that giant rodent that landed on my back and thought my head was an acorn."
"It was a small squirrel Bones, hardly a giant man eating prehistoric mammal." Chided Kirk giving the glistening pine tree a long pondering look up and down. "Besides, you asked for it when you threw that rock at him."
"The bugger tried to attack me! And you stood there like a big ol' ice covered goober and watched him when he tried to trip me and roll me into that snow bank!" Raved the Doctor as he began pacing more out of his aggravation of the situation than the biting chill.
"He scampered in front of you after you sneezed and started that avalanche that no doubt destroyed his home when it took out that section of the woods." Kirk calmly replied peering through the dense branches and semi cautiously pushed a hand through to grasp the trunk. "You over reacted, as usual. You know Spock might be right about your emotional tendencies being a little on the dramatic side."
"And then you had to make friends with the bloodthirsty savage!" McCoy went on with his ranting like Jim hadn't said a word. "For all you knew after rolling into that damn snow bank I could've been dragged off into some underground giant burrows and gnawed on for the entire winter as food for a family of overgrown, fluffy tailed, nut gathering subversives ."
Slowly straightening up and turning back toward the rampaging Doctor, Kirk stared through the falling snow with a worried expression.
"Remind me when we get back to the ship to put a request in with Starfleet to get you some specialized therapy, Bones."
"If we get back to the ship."
Moving closer to the tree, Kirk slowly pulled his phaser out, setting it on stun while keeping an eye on McCoy. The last thing he needed was to have the deluded doctor believe that he was out to use him for kindling wood or late night frozen dinner. Yet, he also saw nothing wrong with keeping himself prepared incase McCoy suddenly looked at him as a flash frozen side of beef.
"Listen, just cut the damn thing down so we can get back to the ship and I can warm up in front of a bottle of Jack Daniels." Snarled McCoy waving a gloved hand wildly at the evergreen in question. "I suppose I'll have to drag the freakin' thing back to the shuttle. Couldn't just beam down and beam back up, could we. Nope! We had to come down in the shuttle and drag it back like some fanatical, sadistic, Yuletide zealous Iowa farm boy used to do a hundred years ago."
"You don't like nature, do you Bones." Murmured Kirk while narrowing the phaser beam down before hunkering down to take aim on the base of the tree and fired.
Snorting in an ugly fashion, McCoy began flapping his arms with more vim as he continued his pacing as the tree finally toppled over in a cloud of snow and ice.
"It only took you four years to finally figure that one out, eh Jim! No wonder you made it to Captain so fast with that mental prowess."
Replacing his phaser, Kirk tugged at the back of his parka while gazing at the tree thoughtfully then shot another concerned look at the Doctor.
"You're not real crazy about winter either."
"Considering I spent most of my life in a part of the world that generally never saw snow in any fashion, especially in accumulations of ass deep to a fifty foot jackass, no I'm not Jim!"
"I'll try and keep that in mind Bones." Kirk said as he started pulling the tree in the direction of the incline that they had struggled up in their search for the perfect Christmas tree.
"Oh yea, like you always keep it mind that I can't stand being under water or hot dry areas or balloons." Spat the Doctor as he trudged along side the tree then started down the hill unaware that Kirk had stopped at the edge. "Do you ever take me into consideration for anything? No…but if that damn Vulcan so much as sniffs or gets dandruff or burps you all ready to break every regulation in the books to head for that damn home planet of his. Me, I could be on death's door with only hours to live and what would you do? Try and do those damn balloon animals again."
Watching the Doctor as he staggered down the hill toward the barely visible outline of the shuttlecraft through the curtain of snow, Kirk faintly smiled. With a moment of thought that lasted about 1.306 seconds, the Captain bent one knee and gave the trunk of the pine a slight nudge and sent it careening down the hillside.
It was amazing how long the bellow echoed through the surrounding woods as the pine and good Doctor made the rest of the trip down together. In an odd way it was almost musical to the delighted and grinning Kirk as he followed the trail left by the gliding tree.
"You okay Bones?" He innocently inquired as he approached the tangled mass of evergreen branches and Doctor.
"I've made a decision Jim." Came the muffled reply through the needles and pine cones, as a gloved hand appeared among the branches.
"Really? And pray what could that be, dear Doctor?"
Sitting up and spitting out a mouthful of bark, McCoy glared at the Captain vengefully. "Next year, when the autumn equinox rolls around I'm sedating you until we get past Valentine's."
FIN