The Japanese Mystery!

Jedi Goat

Disclaimer - I don't own Diamond Brothers, Alex Rider, Superman, Spider-Man, Pirates of the Caribbean, the Monster Mash or Star Wars, or anything else I possibly missed ;)

Author's Note - Alex and some other characters are way OOC, but they're supposed to be that way. (evil cackle)

19/12/09 - Small edits. Enjoy the randomness, if you dare...

It was near dawn when the Diamond brothers got a call. They had been lounging in Tim Diamond's private detective office (Nick had been doing homework; Tim had been dozing with his feet up on his desk). Nick, the younger and quite obviously smarter brother, had been losing interest in the math sheets and had been gazing thoughtfully out the window at the blazing lights of the supermarket below.

Then it happened.

The wooden door to the office burst open, slamming into the wall. Tim jolted up, falling out of his chair. Nick whirled around from the window.

In the doorway stood a disheveled teenage boy, with his fair hair messy and brown eyes wild. "You gotta help me!" he gasped, sinking into a chair.

"That's what we do," Tim explained patiently, crawling back up from the floor. "We're private detectives!"

"I know. It says on the door." The boy pointed toward the door, mashed against the wall. Nick went to close the door, but it was one with the wall. He gave up and went back to sit down.

"Says what on the door?" Tim looked confused.

The boy sighed exasperatedly. "Look, can we get back to me now?"

"Certainly! What's your favorite color?"

The boy glared at Tim. "My favorite color has nothing to do with this."

Nick cleared his throat. "Back on topic, who are you and what do you need our help with?"

The boy nodded, turning to Nick instead. "My name's Alex Rider. I need help because…" Here he paused dramatically. "Someone stole my socks!"

Nick blinked. "That's it?"

"Well, yeah."

"Oh. I was expecting something much more dramatic."

"Okay, then. How about: AAAAHHH!!! HELP ME!! WE'RE DOOMED! MY SOCKS! THEY'RE...GONE!!!!" Alex stopped, panting slightly. He stared challengingly at Nick. "WELL?"

Nick put his head in his hands. "I meant something more dramatic than losing your socks."

"I didn't lose them!" Alex protested angrily. "They were stolen!"

Tim noted this down in his notebook. "We'll get to work immediately to find your socks."

Nick rubbed his eyes, as if hoping he would suddenly wake up and discover this to all be a bad dream. "Fine. We'll look for your socks. First, we'll need a description of them."

Alex nodded. His eyes grew distant as he recalled his socks. "They're my Japanese socks. I wear them whenever Jack makes Japanese food. I need them tonight at supper."

"I need socks like that," Tim said dreamily.

Nick sighed. "So you love your socks. But what do they LOOK LIKE?"

"Oh!" Alex grinned. "They're sparkly. And pink."

"Tim, write that down."

"Okay. I…need…new…socks…"

"NO! That the socks were PINK and SPARKLY!!!"

"Oh. Why?"

"Because," Nick stated exasperatedly, "it's important information for the case."

"What case? Why are we putting information in a case?"

"No, not THAT kind of case. A detective case!"

"Ohhhhkay." Tim began to scribble in his notebook.

Nick picked up a flyer from the desk and flipped it over. "Here. Mr. Rider, please write down the names of anyone who might have stolen your socks."

"Okay!" Alex took Tim's pen (it was also pink and sparkly) and quickly composed this list:

PEOPLE WHO HAVE IT IN FOR MY JAPANESE SOCKS

By Alex Rider

1. Jack Starbright

REASON: Jack's jealous that I own Japanese socks!

2. Alan Blunt

REASON: MI6 wants to force me into working for them again!

3. Mrs. Jones

REASON: See Alan Blunt!

4. Yassen Gregorovich

REASON: He's an assassin. And my socks probably somehow remind him of my father!

5. Sabina Pleasure

REASON: She's gonna force me into a relationship!

6. Ian Rider

REASON: He's dead and he wants to haunt me!

Tim read over the list. "Whoa, you certainly have some enemies."

Alex nodded proudly. "Yeah, I do!"

Nick frowned at the list. "Yeah. Okay. Well, we'll look for your socks."

Alex looked up at the Diamond brothers hopefully. "Please find them! I need my socks!"

As Alex left, Tim pocketed the list. "Let's go, Nick! We have to find his socks before tonight!"

Tim put on his long, black trench coat, humming random spy-like theme songs. Then he set a detective hat on his head and clenched a pipe between his feet.

"Okay. Ready to go," he announced through his teeth. Nick rolled his eyes and strode out.

"Let's start from the bottom of the list," Tim suggested as he and Nick strolled through the supermarket.

"Tim, the bottom of the list is the LEAST important. Let's start with number one. Jack Starbright."

Tim and Nick entered a phone booth. Tim searched through the provided phone book, frowning. "There's no 'Jack Starbright' but this one is close enough." Tim reached for the phone.

"Wait!" Nick warned, but it was too late. Tim was already dialing the number. There was a ring, and both brothers pressed their ears to the phone to hear.

"Hello, mate?" came a voice.

"Are you Jack?" Tim asked.

The voice snorted. "I'm Captain Jack Sparrow."

"So you're not Jack Starbright?" Tim sounded disappointed.

"No."

"Okay. Bye." Tim hung up. Turning to Nick, he inquired, "Now what?"

Nick sighed. "I guess we should have asked Alex for people's phone numbers or addresses or something."

Tim attempted to snap his fingers. "Good idea! Let's call Alex!"

Before Nick could stop him, Tim was looking up Alex's name in the phone book. He found it and dialed the number.

There was a short pause, and then a female voice answered. "This is the Rider household. Who's calling?"

"Wow, Alex," Tim commented obliviously, "your voice sounds weird. Are you coming down with something?"

"I'm not Alex," the speaker replied instantly. "I'm Jack Starbright."

"So you've moved on from taking Alex's socks to kidnapping him!" Tim cried, horrified. "I'm calling the police right now, lady!"

"But I'm not kidnapping Alex," Jack protested, "I'm his uncle's housekeeper!"

"And this uncle lives with Alex?"

"No. Ian Rider is dead. I still take care of Alex."

"But you steal his socks!"

"Why do you keep saying I've stolen his socks? Who are you?"

Tim hung up, his mouth set in a grim line. "Jack Starbright is possibly guilty."

"Possibly," Nick agreed. "But let me talk next time, okay?"

Tim shrugged, muttering "Whatever" as he unfolded the list to check the next name. "Alan Blunt. And the next suspect says 'see Blunt'. Maybe this Blunt guy knows whether or not the third suspect is guilty!"

"I don't think-" But already Tim was searching for Blunt's name in the phone book. He found it, dialed, and passed the receiver to Nick.

A man's monotonous voice answered. "You have reached the Royal & General Bank. To make a transaction, press one. To-"

Tim was already falling asleep. Nick pulled the phone closer to him and shouted, "WE NEED TO SPEAK TO ALAN BLUNT!"

Tim jerked awake as the operator droned, "One moment please."

Click.

"Hello, this is Alan Blunt." His voice wasn't much better than the operator's.

Tim grabbed the phone from Nick. "YOU STOLE ALEX'S SOCKS, DIDN'T YOU!?" Then he grinned, winked and whispered to Nick, "Gotta catch him off-guard."

"Excuse me, I don't understand." Blunt's voice was completely emotionless.

Consulting the list, Tim added, "YOU WANT TO FORCE ALEX TO WORK FOR MI6, DON'T YOU! WELL, WE'RE ON TO YOU!"

"MI6? I'm sorry, this is the Royal & General Bank."

Nick tried to grab the phone back, but Tim pulled it out of his reach. "Don't worry, Mr. Blunt, sir, we don't blame you. It's a Mrs. Jones who is the culprit. Tell us all about her, Mr. Blunt."

There was a short silence. Then Blunt hung up. Tim looked down at the phone. "Hmm. He won't talk to us. He and Mrs. Jones must be in together on this! Protecting each others' backs." Nodding knowledgeably, Tim squiggled some notes on Alex's list. Then he checked the next name.

"Yassen Gregorovich. Maybe he stole Alex's socks," Tim murmured, searching through the phone book. Then he grinned triumphantly. "Here it is!"

As soon as Tim dialed the number, Nick tackled him, struggling to get the phone back. He punched randomly with one hand, grappling for the receiver with the other.

Then a cool voice spoke. "Yassen Gregorovich."

He got no answer except for the faint 'oofs' of the fight. Then Tim pushed his younger brother off him and stood up. "Hi."

"Who is this?"

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that, Mr. Gregorovich," Tim chirped, holding the phone up high and shoving Nick back to the ground.

"Hey," came Nick's muffled indignant reply as Tim put a hand over his mouth.

"Is this a business call?" Yassen asked, irritated. "Because I'm taking a nice bubble bath right now and I would like to enjoy it."

"It's not good to have water and electricity together," Tim commented. It was the most intellectual thing he'd said all day. As he basked in the glow of his triumph, Nick wormed free of his grip and punched his brother in the face.

"Ow!" Tim yelped, pinching his nose as it spewed blood. While Tim was occupied, Nick snagged the phone.

"Actually, this is about business, sir," Nick said seriously. "SOCK business."

"Ookay."

Nick decided to skip past the discreetness and get straight to the point. "This morning someone stole Alex's socks. Are you the culprit?" Nick's voice had become low and threatening.

"Alex? Alex Rider?"

"Do you know him?" Nick was finally getting somewhere.

"Yes."

"How?"

"That is none of your business."

"So he is da culpit!" declared Tim, holding his nose.

"I did not steal Alex's socks. Now leave me alone." The phone went dead.

Nick glared down at his brother. "Thanks a lot, Tim! We were just going to find out if he was the culprit or not!"

"He is!" Tim insisted.

With a sigh, Nick began to flick through the phone book. He found Sabina Pleasure's number and dialed. This time, as the phone rang, Nick opened the door and pushed his brother out. Tim hit the sidewalk outside with a thump. Nick pulled the door closed just as someone picked up the line.

"Hello?" a girl's voice asked.

"Are you Sabina Pleasure?" Nick ignored Tim's pounding on the glass, his yells muffled inside the phone booth.

"Yes, I am."

"Do you know an Alex Rider?"

"Yes," Sabina said cautiously, "Why?"

"Someone stole his socks."

"Okay." Sabina sounded impassive.

Nick waited a moment, but she didn't say anything further. "Was it you?"

Nick's question had been a threat, but Sabina burst out giggling. She laughed for several moments before finally getting a hold of herself. "And you're the great detective who's gonna find out who stole Alex's socks?"

Nick flushed red. "Yes, I am," he snapped, his voice cold steel.

Sabina continued giggling. Then she hung up.

Nick slammed down the phone and stepped out of the booth. Tim darted in. "So, did you find out anything?"

"No," Nick growled.

"Is Sabina the culprit?"

"I don't know."

"What about Ian Rider?"

Nick stared at his brother. "Tim, in case you didn't know, he's DEAD."

"Oh." Tim scratched his head. "That might make it hard to contact him."

At that moment, a man walked up. "Hey, are you using the phone booth?"

Tim stepped out. "No."

The man entered the phone booth, rapidly tearing off his outer clothes to reveal the Superman outfit underneath. Then he emerged from the booth, declaring, "NOW IT'S TIME TO SERVE JUSTICE!" He raised a fist in the air and flew off.

Nick and Tim watched the blue and red speck disappear off in the distance for a moment. Then Tim spoke. "I wonder what Justice ordered. I hope it was from a Japanese restaurant, whatever it was."

Nick rolled his eyes. "Which brings us back to our case. The Japanese socks. Remember, before Superman came?"

"Oh." Tim nodded. "Right."

The two brothers headed back to the office. Once inside, Tim pulled out the list. "Our suspects are: Jack Starbright, Alex's housekeeper, who acted very suspiciously; Alan Blunt, who is definitely hiding something; Mrs. Jones, who is hiding something with Blunt; Yassen Gregorovich, who also seems very suspicious; Sabina Pleasure, who we don't know anything about–" Here Tim glared accusingly at Nick. "–And Ian Rider, who we are unable to contact."

Nick reached over and crossed out the last suspect. "DUDE, he's DEAD."

"So? Maybe he committed the crime first," Tim challenged.

Nick sighed. "Fine. We'll ask Alex. Did you get his address?"

Tim nodded, patting the list. "I wrote it down from the phone book."

Nick stood up. "Then let's go."

Thirty minutes later, a bus dropped the Diamond brothers off at Alex's house. When Nick rang the bell, it was Jack Starbright who answered.

Jack pushed back a strand of strawberry-red hair, eyeing the Diamond brothers cautiously. "Hello. Who are you?"

"We're the Diamond brothers," Tim announced, also watching Jack suspiciously. "We're detectives. Alex hired us to find his socks."

Jack rolled her eyes. "So you're the creeps who were calling about socks? Sorry, kids, but if anyone can find Alex's socks, it's me. I'm his housekeeper, remember?"

"You can find his socks," Tim said, gasping in realization, "because YOU'RE the one who stole them!"

Jack groaned, leaning against the doorframe. "No! I can find his socks because I clean this house!"

"But Alex didn't lose his socks," patiently explained Tim, "someone stole them."

"Ah. I see," Jack mumbled tiredly. She turned and yelled into the house, "ALEX! PEOPLE TO SEE YOU!"

Alex raced down the stairs, barefoot. He recognized Tim and Nick instantly. "Come upstairs," he invited, casting a suspicious glance at Jack. "Where we can speak freely."

Jack waved them off, muttering something about MI6 befuddling Alex's brain. Then she disappeared into the kitchen.

As soon as Jack was gone, Tim sighed with relief. "She made me nervous," he announced.

Alex brought the Diamond brothers up to his room, where they began to discuss the case. After summarizing their discoveries so far, Nick asked, "For how long has Ian Rider been dead?"

Alex looked surprised. "Almost a year now. He was my uncle."

"Your family is conspiring against you!" Tim gasped.

Nick glared at him. "Tim, Ian Rider couldn't have done this! He's been dead long before Alex's socks went missing!"

"Still…" Tim mumbled.

Nick picked up the list. "Let's talk about the other suspects. I think we need to see them in person to know whether or not they're guilty."

Alex nodded. "Good idea." He added to the page his own address, Sabina's and the Royal & General Bank's.

Tim looked over Nick's shoulder at the list. "You forgot some."

Alex rolled his eyes. "You expect me to know where Yassen lives?"

"You could look in the phone book!" Tim declared, rushing downstairs to prove it to Alex.

An hour later, Tim returned to the room, carrying with difficulty the exact same phone book from the phone booth.

"Did you get this-" Nick began, but Tim interrupted him.

"Of course I brought the book from the phone booth! Where else can you get a phone book?"

"Um...we have one in the closet..." Alex commented, flipping through the phone book. He pointed to a page. "There!" Looking amazed with this discovery, he wrote down the address.

"Now we just need Ian Rider's address," said Tim.

With a groan, Nick ran across the room and bashed his head against the closet door. Leaning on the door, he whimpered, "Alex, tell Tim Ian Rider isn't a suspect."

Alex looked puzzled. "But he is!" Gesturing to the closet, he added, "Look!"

Abruptly the closet door slid open and a shimmering blue figure stepped out. "Hi."

Nick took a horrified step back, staring at the ghost of Ian Rider. Then he started to scream girlishly.

Tim leaped off the bed and approached the ghost. He stuck out a hand. "Hello, Mr. Rider. You are a suspect in our case, so we have to ask you a few questions."

"Okay," Ian Rider agreed, sounding interested. He shook Tim's hand and went to sit on the bed.

Tim consulted his list. Reading Alex's supposed reasons for why Ian would steal his socks, Tim inquired, "Firstly, are you dead?"

Ian blinked, looking down at his transparent body. "Well, yeah."

"Do you want to haunt Alex?"

"Why would I do that? He lets me live in his closet."

Alex jumped in to the conversation. "Look who's under my bed!"

He lifted the edge of the covers. A blue face peered out at them. It was Qui-Gon Jinn, completely translucent except for his new, shiny boots. Recognizing Alex, Qui-Gon smiled. "Hi dudes."

There was a loud THUD. Nick had fainted. Alex paid the younger Diamond brother no mind, skipping over to a set of shelves. He opened a box. "Here's the top part of Darth Maul!"

Tim looked in the box to see the ghostly torso, arms and head of a man with a strange, slightly creepy tattooed face. He had been playing with a Barbie. Now he looked up. "Yo." Then he raised the Barbie. In a high-pitched voice, he added, "Hi guys!"

Alex put the lid back on the box. "Yeah."

The ghost of Ian cleared his throat. "I believe you were in the middle of questioning me."

Tim brightened. "Right!" He pulled out the list. "Hmm. We need your address."

Ian glanced back at the closet. "Um...Alex's closet?"

"Good idea!" Tim wrote this down. Then he smiled. "It was great meeting you, Mr. Rider, but now me and Nick must go. Detective business, you know."

Ian shrugged. "Bye."

Tim started toward the door. "Let's go, Nick." He stopped, realizing Nick wasn't following him. He grabbed his brother by the arm. "Come on, Nick."

Tim dragged his little brother back to their office.

After Nick woke up, the Diamond brothers decided to continue their investigation. They took a bus to Sabina Pleasure's house.

Nick rang the doorbell, stepping in front of his brother. He wanted Tim to stay out of the inquiry as much as possible.

They had a short while to wait before a girl opened the door. Her dark hair spilled over her shoulders and her bright blue eyes examined the Diamond brothers curiously. "Hello?"

Nick stepped up. "We are the Diamond brothers, private detectives. We're working on a case for Alex Rider."

Sabina giggled. "Is this about his socks again?"

Tim pushed Nick out of the way. Dreamily, he said, "No, this is about you...and how pretty you are."

Sabina blinked. "Thanks. I think."

Nick elbowed his older brother in the stomach, shoving him roughly off the doorstep. "Anyway, we need to ask you a few questions."

Sabina nodded. "Okay. Why don't you come in?"

Sabina closed the door after Nick, leaving Tim sitting on the grass outside.

She led Nick into the kitchen and set out a plate of cookies. Sitting down at the kitchen table, she said, "Okay. What's up?"

Nick took out a notebook and a pen. "Where were you this morning?"

Sabina took a bite of her cookie. "At what time this morning?"

"Early. Very early. Five o'clock."

She shrugged. "In bed, sleeping. What does this have to do with anything?"

"That was the time when someone stole Alex's socks," Nick said gravely. "He came immediately into our office and hired us."

"Ah." Sabina frowned. "That's pretty early. No one I know would be awake at that hour." Then she grinned. "Well, except for Alex, I guess."

"Good question," Nick murmured, writing it in his notebook, "Who would be awake at five AM?"

He looked up as Tim banged on the kitchen window. Sabina made a face. "Maybe you should go now."

Nick grabbed a cookie and stood. "Yeah, I guess so. Thanks for everything." Then he left, taking Tim with him.

As they walked back to the bus stop, Tim noticed the cookie. "Hey, a cookie! Can I have it?"

"No," Nick snapped, stuffing it in his mouth before Tim could steal it.

The Diamond brothers took the bus to their next suspect's house: Yassen. This time Tim rang the doorbell.

A moment later, a man answered the door. Tim attempted the puppy-dog-eyes look. "Can I have a cookie?"

"What?" Yassen was staring at him.

"A cookie!" Tim elaborated, "My brother got a cookie but I didn't. So I want a cookie."

"Ookay."

Nick stepped in front of his brother. "Actually, we're here to ask you some questions. About the theft of Alex's socks."

Yassen rolled his eyes. "Fine. But I don't see why you guys think I stole his socks. What would I do with Alex's socks?"

"The criminal mind works in strange ways," Tim announced, striding inside. "Besides, the list says it all."

Nick unfolded the list. "Yeah. Alex's socks remind you of his father."

"Who? John Rider? I'd steal Alex's socks because of John Rider?"

"That's the who," Tim said brightly. "The what would be 'stole Alex's socks'. Then the where would be-"

"Actually, John Rider would be the why, not the who. He didn't steal Alex's socks," Nick pointed out.

"Then the who is Yassen!" Tim cried, pointing an accusing finger at the man.

"For the last time, I didn't steal Alex's socks!"

"Then what were you doing this morning at five AM?"

"Learning Japanese."

"So someone IS awake at five AM," Nick whispered.

"Then you are the culprit!" Tim yelled triumphantly.

Yassen took out a gun. "Look, I'm going to ask you to get out of my house. Now. Or I'll shoot you."

"Poor Yu," commented Tim.

"What?"

"Well, he's going to get shot. Don't you feel sorry for Yu?"

Yassen took a deep breath. "You. Y – O – U. As in, YOU!"

"Ohhh."

Nick grabbed Tim's arm. "Come on, let's go!" He hauled his brother out of the house at record speed. Then they went to find their next two suspects at the Royal & General Bank.

Tim strode in to the lobby of the bank. At the top of his lungs, he screamed, "ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE! WE'RE HERE TO FIND ALAN BLUNT AND MRS. JONES!! BRING THEM HERE NOW OR SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!!"

"Putting them off-guard?" Nick asked weakly as fifty security agents surrounded them and escorted them out of the building.

Sitting down on the pavement outside, Tim shook his head sadly. "Such a big operation for stealing socks."

Nick sighed. Tim sighed. Both brothers were deep in thought (or lost deep in the cobwebby bowels of his mind, in Tim's case) for several long moments. Suddenly they both leaped to their feet and spun to face each other.

"I KNOW WHO THE CULPRIT IS!" they both shouted at the same time.

Tim grinned excitedly. "I'll organize the party to announce who it is!"

Nick was so excited he didn't even contradict this idea. "I have to make a phone call!"

The younger brother raced to the nearest telephone booth. Nick dialed in Alex's number and waited.

"Hello, this is the Rider household." It was Jack. Perfect.

"Jack. This is Nick. One of the Diamond brothers. I have a question for you."

"What?"

"Did anyone break in to the house lately?"

"No, of course not!"

"Okay. Thanks." Nick hung up, his suspicions confirmed. He knew who the guilty party was.

That afternoon, the Diamond brothers' office was crowded to the limits. Tim hadn't just brought the suspects; he had invited the ghosts from Alex's house, all fifty security agents, and some superheroes. Nick had spotted Spider-Man hanging from the ceiling, singing the Monster Mash. There was loud music, iced tea, and even party decorations. Purple and pink balloons drifted up by Spider-Man, who amused himself by wrapping them in a web.

Abruptly the thumping music stopped. Tim stood up on his desk with Alex. Nick clambered up beside them.

"Everyone," Tim shouted eagerly, "I have solved the mystery of who stole Alex's Japanese socks. The culprit is..." Pausing dramatically, Tim pointed at someone in the crowd. "SUPERMAN!"

"What?" Nick gasped, turning to stare at his older brother. The gathered crowd whispered among themselves.

Tim nodded gravely. "It was Superman. Do you know why? Because...he was serving Justice Japanese food! He must have been wearing Japanese socks!"

Nick shook his head. "Tim, YOU said that he was serving Justice Japanese food." Turning to look out at the crowd, Nick announced, "I know who the real culprit is. It was Qui-Gon Jinn!"

The crowd gasped, heads turning to look at the blue ghost. "He's wearing boots to hide the socks!" Nick continued. "I figured it out because of something Sabina said...who would be awake at five in the morning? A ghost, because he doesn't need to sleep! Then Jack said that the house hadn't been broken in to, so it must have been someone inside the house!"

The crowd burst into excited murmurs. Qui-Gon held up his hands for quiet. As soon as the noise died down, he said, "Yes, I did steal Alex's socks. Why? Because..." he blushed, murmuring, "my feet were cold."

Qui-Gon tugged off his boots and tossed the socks to Alex. Alex gasped in delight, kissed each sock, and then put them on his bare feet. "NOW I CAN EAT JAPANESE FOOD!" he declared happily.

Suddenly Jack snapped her fingers (successfully). "I have a great idea! Let's order Japanese food and have a party!"

"YEAH!" screamed the majority of the crowd. Jack went outside to the phone booth to order the food.

The party continued, with everyone dancing to the music. Even Spider-Man, on the ceiling, was performing acrobatic dance moves.

Suddenly Jack ran back in. "HELP!" she cried, "THE RESTAURANT ONLY SPEAKS JAPANESE!" The crowd gasped in horror.

"Oh no!" Alex sobbed, "Now we'll only have Mrs. Jones's peppermints to eat!"

"I HATE MINT!" Sabina wailed.

Then Tim had a great idea. It was his moment in the spotlight. "Hey, everyone!" he yelled, "We can still order Japanese food! Yassen speaks Japanese!"

However, Tim lost his grand moment as the crowd began to cheer for Yassen. Jack dragged the assassin outside and he ordered all the food in Japanese.

Then the Diamond brothers hosted the greatest Japanese party ever.

The End

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