Alucard's getting his own class. In a few days you can expect to see a full fic about Alucard teaching Integra's class. The title of it shall be...
The Substitute from Hell
The 9th Circle of Hell, to be exact...
Ahem... anyway...
Here's a few requests I never got around to writing. Sorry for the time...
Stranger Safety
"Hello, children!" Seras Victoria greeted the crowd of children in front of her. She was in an auditorium, up on stage in front of a large red curtain. "Are you ready to learn a valuable life lesson?"
"..." the children stared at her.
The Hellsing Organization and Section XIII had been trying to avoid conflict and form a somewhat decent relationship. One of their ideas: Teaching young children valuable life lessons. Sure enough, sitting in front of Seras was a collection of orphans cared for by Father Alexander Anderson, as well as the children of many Wild Geese mercenaries. "Today, we're going to talk about Stranger Safety!" Seras smiled happily.
"Yay?" a few of the kids half-heartedly cheered.
"YOU SUCK, GET OFF THE STAGE!!!" one kid yelled.
"I hate children..." Seras sighed.
"Just get on with it..." Alucard whispered from behind a curtain.
"Right..." she nodded. "Okay children, watch this and see what happens!"
The curtain rose, revealing Alucard and Father Anderson. Alucard was in his young girl form (hah hah Girlycard) and Father anderson was in his normal priest outfit, sans cossack. "Integra had better make this worth my while..." Alucard muttered under his/her breath.
"Why do I have ta be tha pedophile?" Anderson sighed. "This is stereotyping!"
"Get on with it!" Seras hissed.
"Watch it..." Anderson shot her a glare which made her turn pale(er).
"OH LOOK AT ME!!!" Alucard suddenly belted out in a cheesy manner. "I'M JUST AN INNOCENT LITTLE GIRL!!! MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS!!!"
"What a card..." Seras muttered.
"Urgh..." Anderson grunted. How did I get roped inta this? "WHY HELLO THERE LITTLE GIRL!!! I AM A STRANGER!!!"
"MY MOMMY SAYS I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK TO STRANGERS!!!" Alucard yelled. "BYE!!!" And with that, he ran away and the curtain fell on the stage.
"Hurray?" a few kids clapped.
"Never, ever, EVER talk to strangers, children!" Seras wagged her finger in a warning manner. "Now, what do you do if a stranger tries to take you with him?"
"To where?" a little girl asked.
"Uh..." Seras tried to think of an answer.
"Cough cough Hell..." Alucard coughed behind the curtain.
"Shut up!" Seras hissed. "Um... Anywhere! His car! His house! Anywhere you aren't supposed to be! Now, what do you do if he tries to take you with him to any place you aren't supposed to be?"
"Scream?" one kid suggested.
"Yell for help?" another kid asked.
"Kick him in the bad place?" another kid shrugged.
"I like that idea..." Alucard chuckled.
"Um... All of those are very good suggestions!" Seras smiled. "Kick and scream! Cry for help! Try to run away! Now, lets how this advice might come in handy..."
The curtain rose on Alucard (Girlycard hah hah) and Anderson again. "HELLO, LITTLE GIRL!!! COME WITH ME!!! I HAVE CANDY!!!"
"MY MOMMY SAYS I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GO PLACES WITH STRANGERS!!!" Alucard belted out.
"COME WITH ME ANYWAY!!!" Anderson exclaimed. He reached out to grab Alucard, as had been rehearsed, but then Alucard decided to pull something that wasn't in the script. To be exact, he pulled a gun.
"BACK OFF!!!" Alucard yelled. "BACK OFF OR YOUR BRAINS ARE GOING TO BECOME WALL DECORATIONS!!!"
"WIT DO YE THINK YAR DOIN'?!" Anderson screamed.
"ALUCARD, NO KID IS GOING TO HAVE A GUN ON THEM!!!" Seras screamed angrilly.
"I do!" one of the Wild Geese kids pulled a gun from his pocket. "My daddy says to use it if a stranger tries to talk to me, touch me, or take me anywhere!"
"Yeah, me to!" another little boy pulled a pistol out as well.
"Me to!" a little girl held up a gun as well.
"My daddy just gave me a knife..." one kid sighed.
"Wit do ye Protestants teach yer children?" Anderson shook his head in disgust.
"Quite frankly, I'm not sure if some of those mercenaries have souls..." Alucard muttered as the curtain fell again.
"Your one to talk..." Seras rolled her eyes. She then turned her attention back to the kids. "ANYWAY!!! Well, that raps that bit up, children! Now, what do you do if the stranger tells you something?"
"Like what?" one kid asked.
"Like... he has candy! Or he is looking for a puppy! Or he needs to take you to your parents!" Seras explained.
"Um..." the children tried to think.
"Don't believe him!" Seras exclaimed. "Strangers are liars! They'll try to get you to believe anything! Now, lets see what happens now!" As the curtain rose, Seras muttered something under her breath. "Although I know it won't be good..."
"I'M A LITTLE GIRL, MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS!!!" Alucard screamed out again.
"HELLO LITTLE GIRL!!! I AM A STRANGER, AND I HAVE LOST MY PUPPY!!! WILL YOU HELP ME FIND IT?!?!" Anderson yelled.
"IS THAT IT OVER THERE?!?!" Alucard pointed.
"Huh?" Anderson looked over his shoulder just as a large black dog lept from off-stage and tackled him. "WIT THA?!"
"DOGGIE!!!" the children all cheered.
"SIC 'IM, BOY!!!" Alucard cackled. The fact that he was still in Girlycard form made it even scarrier.
"IS THAT BASKERVILLE?!" Seras stared in horror as the large black dog with red eyes mauled Anderson.
"THAT. IS. E. NOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Anderson howled as he threw the dog off of him. "OKAY, CHILDREN!!! TIME FOR A NEW LESSON!!! WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE A VAMPIRE?!"
"Uh oh..." Seras knew where this was going.
"KILL IT!!!" all of the Catholic orphans bloodthirstily cheered.
"EXACTLY!!!" Anderson screamed. He then held out his arms and flexed his hands. Instantly, bayonets shot out of his sleeves and into his hands. "NOW WATCH AND LEARN, CHILDREN!!!" And with that, Anderson charged at Alucard wit ha handfull of bayonets.
"YES, WATCH AND LEARN HOW POWERFULL WE CREATURES OF THE NIGHT ARE!!!!" Alucard cackled as he shape-shifted into his normal form and pulled out both of his guns.
"YAAAAAAAAAY!!!!" all of the children cheered.
"Well, at least they're learning something..." Seras sighed as the two warriors began to fight.
---
"Congratulations..." Integra glared at Alucard, who had several bayonets sticking out of his face, and at Seras, who was covered in bruises. "You screwed up a very, very simple assignment."
"The children learned a few things, at least..." Alucard shrugged.
"Like what?" Integra hissed.
"They learned a lesson in teamwork when they rushed the stage and dog piled on Seras..." Alucard smirked.
"They were kids... kids! What was I going to do?!" Seras growled.
"Eat them? Kill them? Subjugate them and make them your slaves? I dunno, anything! Just don't sit there!" Alucard growled. "Your a vampire! Act like one!"
"Seras..." Integra turned to the Draculina. "Would you like a vacation?"
"Huh?!" Seras stared at her boss.
"You handled the situation quite nicely, so I'm going to allow you a break from missions, should you accept it..." Integra explained.
"Um... thank you!" Seras grinned.
"What?!" Alucard growled. "What about me?!"
"Just be glad I don't shoot you with a hollow-point silver bullet for the stunt you pulled..." Integra grumbled.
"Hah, like that would do anything..." Alucard smirked.
It only took one and a half seconds for Integra to reach under her desk, grab a pistol, and blow most of Alucard's face off of his skull.
Moral of the Story: Don't talk to strangers, or Integra when she's angry.
Review, pleeeeease!