Shut Up
Full title: "Shut Up; A Unique Take on Kisses, Conversations and Other Misnomers". One-shot. Slight Sponge-x-Squid.

Two updates in a month? Nay, a fortnight? Nah, you're not dreaming. Just wondering what I've been smoking.
OK, now. This plotless, no dialogue, real-life based, grittily-slashy drabble was actually inspired by a sequence in the Disney movie Pinocchio. (Don't ask.)
Further explanation wouldn't do it justice. (Mostly because it would detract from the value of the story more than it has already.)
Disclaimer: Out now on CD, the I Don't Own SpongeBob SquarePants major movie soundtrack, featuring such great artists as I, Don't, Own, and the award winning SpongeBob SquarePants.
Band8PGeek.

Personally, the way I see it, there are 3 possibilities.
1) you stole it.
2) you put the dime in me pants.
3)
Whoops. That's not how the story's supposed to go. (guess I changed it to the wrong channel.)
Let's start again, shall we?
Personally, the way I see it, there are 3 different kinds of kiss in this world.
One variety is the gradual approach; start with a small peck on the hand or cheek and let circumstances take it from there. This variety of kiss is perfect for beginners, but if it takes too long to build up to the lips, somebody could step in the middle and cut you off before you get there.
Another, more sensual variation is the lusty approach; aiming for anywhere, everywhere and nowhere in particular, covering the affectionee completely in lip-marks. Best only attempted by a professional lover, and when done right it can look very passionate (or very disturbing, depending on which way you look at it).

And then there's the third type of kiss: the one born out of desperation, anxiety, and the plainly obvious need to get somebody to shut up.

You see, much like life, conversation is usually a two-way street: one person talks for some time, then actually lets the other person talk. Unfortunately, this wasn't the case for SpongeBob (fry-cook at the Krusty Krab) and Squidward (cashier). Much of the dialogue exchanged between the two (if any) was entirely from the poriferan side of the mismatched duo.
And SpongeBob liked to talk.
A lot.
The more words, the better.
What's worse, it didn't matter what the topic was; he could still ramble on about it for 30 hours a day. He could talk about everything under the sun: Krabby Patties, the latest music, soft cotton socks, the kelp in Jellyfish Fields… the 1001 unnameable uses for barnacle chips? He could talk about them too. Heck, given half a chance he'd yap on about paying boring old taxes 'til he was blue in the face.

Is it any wonder that he was yelled at to "shut up"" once in a while?

None of which explains what it has to do with Squidward, or kisses at that. Well, Squid liked peace and quiet in his job – scratch that, his life. Calmness was his saviour, silence his gold. So the same million and one words screeching right into his ear all day every day wasn't exactly his forte.
Or eighte.
Or one-hundred-twente.
And, up to that point when it all got too much, not one thing had calmed the excitable optimist down, or even stopped the flow of words in its track. Squid had tried everything he could think of; subtle hints, outright yelling, sticky-taping his mouth shut…
Really, the only solution left that day wasn't that drastic, if you looked at the situation at hand. Actually, it was quite logical for Squid to do what he did. One can't really talk when they've got something to pre-occupy themselves with (especially when that something is stuck to their mouth at that very moment). And let's face it; it certainly beat the next-to-last thing he tried: locking him up in a box and sealing the lid shut so tight that not even Plankton could get in it.
And even that time, it had only taken a few seconds until SpongeBob started up again.
Ironic license, people; ironic license.

So really, if you think about it, nobody should have been surprised when Squidward kissed him, hard, long, desperately on the lips in the Krusty Krab that day (during lunch break); just to get the guy to stop chatting on and on and on about this that and the other thing.
After all, heh. He'd heard exactly the same thing for the past 20 hours.
Enough was enough.