Okay. New Story (cue collective groan from everyone)

I wrote this in a bid to free myself from the clutches of the dreaded Writers Block Monster. Be warned. It's going to get weird. No doubt about it.

I think I've outdone myself with this first chapter though – its not even Red Dwarf related. Amazing – a Red Dwarf fan fic with no Red Dwarf in its opening chapter….oh well.

Reviews welcomed!

Enjoy.

There has yet to be another animal quite like the human.

In many ways it is by far the most complex yet endearing creature ever to grace this earth (with the obvious exception of the duckbilled platypus) however, they could also be classed as the very worst, most destructive creature to have existed (again, with the obvious exception of the duckbilled platypus).

Name another animal that has wars? Or one that has developed, gruesome, inhumane ways of killing it's own kind? What other creature, besides humans, would ever wear open toed sandals and socks, or willingly go on 'Big Brother'?

And I ask you, has there ever been another animal stupid enough to vote George W Bush for president twice!

No.

It is only humans who carry out such dastardly deeds. Their acts of ignorance and stupidity are fuelled by their desire to make others feel inferior. They've created various ways and methods to allow mankind to feel as if they truly were the greatest species ever to draw breath. Money, jewels, property, status, image, names, titles, breeding, and possessions: all sorts of things that they could wave in each others faces cooing 'I've got something you haven't!'

But there was one thing that prevented them from being totally superior. Their biggest downfall!

Death.

That foul five lettered word that sent a cold shiver down the spines of any self respecting human. It signalled the end of everything they'd ever worked for; it stripped them of whatever status they'd acquired because everyone died. Both kings and beggars went to meet their maker eventually. It was the one thing all humans had in common.

Death.

Needless to say humans set about this problem like they did with most other things….by finding a way to stop it.

The world was filled with anti-aging creams, vitamins, supplements, minerals, health foods, diet books, exercise equipment, plastic surgery, botox, face lifts, body enhancements, hypnosis CDs - everything to allow humans to grasp onto every second of life before the bitter end….but it was never enough.

Mankind was still susceptible to disease and illness, they still had 'accidents' with buses, cliffs, ladders, hacksaws, electricity and other deadly items which contributed to their 'untimely end', they still crammed their bodies with toxins like alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and fast food…they still died!

Human beings, like every other animal on the planet, were dangerously and depressingly mortal. It wasn't long before the entire population was gripped by the desire to live forever, to be invincible, and to be unquestioningly superior!

Money was poured into research labs, the developments dominating the front pages of newspapers for weeks on end. People's hopes were raised only to be dashed as the trials failed and yet another journey back to the drawing board was required.

But then, finally, after centuries of mankind hoping, begging, praying and pleading, scientists found the cure for death.

The elixir of life.

Dr Richard Alleyne had been sat at his workstation, surrounded by piles of notes, graphs and reports, watching Smuffy the lab rat running on his little wheel. He rubbed his tired eyes and blinked till the screen of his computer came into focus. His eyes suddenly shot open, wide and awake as he read the information before him.

Everyone (hopefully) knows that the human body is made up of cells, which from the moment of conception are duplicating and deteriorating on a regular basis till you die. This is the fundamental basis of the aging process. Scientists had been racking their brains for a way to simply 'turn off' this process, to stop cells from duplicating and eventually deteriorating, and as a result defer death, but everything they'd tried had ended in failure…until now.

Richard stared at the lab rat in front of him, who stared back, twitched its whiskers and carried on running. The doctor darted back to the computer screen and hastily re-read the results. A tingling, dizzying feeling of hope, joy and disbelief took hold of him.

If this was correct, Smuffy's cells had stopped duplicating and they'd also stopped dying - he was no longer ageing.

Richard quickly repeated the procedure with another lab rat, and nearly laughed out loud as he got the same result. He tried it once more to be sure before screaming, whooping, clapping, singing, dancing, laughing, cheering and crying.

Dr Richard Alleyne, soon to be Nobel Prize winner, had just found the cure for death!

With shaking hands he held up the vial of green liquid and grinned like he had never grinned before.

This tiny test tube contained the biggest scientific breakthrough since the 'discovery' of atoms.

The elixir of life would put an end to death.

Little did Richard know that his discovery would set off a truly disastrous chain of events, which one day would result in a tub of hot leg wax, a game of pool and a diamond necklace.

Note: I don't support animal testing, but it was necessary for the story. Not animals were harmed in the writing of this fan fiction (although one of them did go a bit crazy and bit Dr Alleyne)