Why Galbatorix Is Lame
It's my first fanfic. Sorry if it sucks. I really don't hate Eragon and Eldest. Those are two of my favorite books. I wrote this when I was bored, and this is definitely one of the saner things I've done in the midst of boredom so….
Disclaimer: I don't own Eragon. Please don't sue me. I am poor, even though my family is not.
He stays at home for decades. Hello? I mean, get out once in a while, man.
He won't do his own dirty work. (Morzan, other Foresworn, the Ra'zac and Lethrblaka, Durza, Murtagh) There's more, but I'm writing longhand and hate hand cramps.
His "strongest" ally was a drunken sword-chucker who beat his own girlfriend and got killed by and old storyteller.
Two of his "best" magicians were skinny, bald, nameless, twins who were too dumb to notice that there was a guy who was ready to bash their brains out with a hammer was right behind the. (Point for Roran. Woot! Woot!)
He couldn't even get Murtagh to do everything he wanted him to WITH his true name. Murtagh didn't capture Eragon even though he could have, and he didn't tell the twins about the crazy hammer guy. (Point for Murtagh. Woot! Woot!)
His nickname is Galby. Do I really need to elaborate on this one?
He beat the wounded leader of the riders by kicking him between the legs.
He's too damn lazy to get rid of the Varden and Surda. He has to send help to get rid of them.
He's literally insane.
He's been in denial about whose fault his dragon's death is for over 100 years.
He's lost half his army to a bunch of trees and rocks (a.k.a. the Spine).
It took 100 years to get a dragon egg to hatch.
He has to make everyone join him.
He's going to be killed by a hormonal teenager and his hormonal dragon in the next book.
He couldn't get rid of the elves and the dwarves.
His armies have been defeated by outnumbered underdogs at least twice in the past year.
He stares WAY too much.
He's nosy and irritating in an evil way, and he's always reading people's minds. Jesus Christ, get a life.
He let a creepy home-schooled 15-year old write about him.
He's banned all the good stories and replaced them with lame ones.
He likes bugs. (The Ra'zac look like beetles, and they work for him. Ugh.)
He got rid of almost all the awesome dragons and werecats.
Everyone who works for him dies. (This is probably because he makes them do his dirty work.)
It's his fault his subjects are poor and illiterate.
He won't just die already.
He's been beaten by Mary Sues many, many times in fanfiction.
He's never had a girlfriend (at least to our knowledge).
He could be a transsexual for all we know because he never comes out of his damn palace.
A bunch of untrained villagers got away from his soldiers and the Ra'zac.
He's a generic, copyrighted villain.
Thanks, Allie, for helping me with numbers 27-29.
I actually like Galbatorix as a villain. I was just in the mood to write a comedy fic. Sorry if you don't enjoy. (I know I say sorry too much.)