Her Form in My Embrace

by Michaela Will

I lean over to kiss her forehead, knowing both what affection I am showing her is too much, and that I want so much more. I pull away to a safer distance and smile gently. I am an utterly selfish person. Were I to be kinder to Tohru-chan (if only I could bring myself to call her that) I would not show her any special affection of any sort. It only serves to make her vulnerable to me.

She doesn't know, she can't know, how I cling to her sweetness. Tohru-chan is too naïve to consider any gesture of mine to mean more than it would seem at a first glance. A smile is just a smile and a compliment is just a compliment. She would never read love or infatuation into a glance like some girls. If I smile at some girls, mostly fan club girls, at the wrong time I get the impression I've fueled their fantasies for weeks.

Even if the thought occurred to her that a glance meant more, she would shake it off, force herself to be practical and belittle the daydream. She clings to us Sohma for familial comfort and kindness only. And she is a part of our lives like family. I've slowly come to a state of mind where imagining life without her is impossible. But I want so much more of her than just her smile and her cooking.

I want to hold her.

And therein lies the problem. I know Tohru-chan. I know her well enough to know that she would never, ever express a desire for something more than she had or something she thought she could not have. I mean, look at how impressive a trip to a hot springs resort was to her. She's so easy to please. I catch myself daydreaming occasionally of all the little things I could do to make her smile: leave her daisies in her room, grow her new herbs, take her to an art gallery, or buy her presents unexpectedly. So in the unreal dream where I could convince Tohru-chan to … gulp date me, she would be happy with me as I am.

She would be happy holding my hand, sitting in my garden and talking, and would be beautifully surprised sharing simple kisses. I can almost imagine the look on her face if I did really, really kiss her. But I….

I would want to hold her and I can't. Oh, she can hold me (as the Rat) but I would never know what it's like to smell her hair against my cheek or her weight on my chest. I would never get to enjoy anything like that; always transforming as I am. It really does take only the briefest of touches, even when bumping into her, if I so much as wrap my hand around her arm to steady her and our bodies touch: pyon!

They say the Rat is gifted. They say the Rat is special and I will admit that the position in the family as the Rat has its perks. But if you ask me, a curse is still a curse and it is most apparent to me when transforming around Tohru-chan. Of course, outside of Tohru-chan-related instances, I don't transform very often anymore. But since she moved in, I have been forced to become more comfortable with my Rat form.

And d-dating her and knowing I could never hold her the way I want to would torture me. It already tortures me to know I can't. I do know what it's like to hold and be held. I want the feel of her skin and the texture of her shirt under my hands, within the circle of my arms. I want hold her the way I can Kira or Kagura. The thought of Tohru-chan's head resting against my shoulder after dinner or even being able to do something as practical as carry her home were she ill is blissful. I would enjoy doing something as simplistic and domestic as put my arms around her waist while she's cooking. It's so hard to emulate her and be content with just what I have and not dream of the impossible. Akito-san scorned her for being simple, but it's not simplicity; it's genuine contentedness. I wish I could be like her and not dream of what I can't have: her form in my embrace.

I want to be content with her, without wanting more, but I fear I can't do it. I … resent wanting it so badly. I don't wish to invite a situation where I know I'll be taunted by my curse. It's not insurmountable, I know I could still be with her and date her happily, even being unable to touch Tohru-chan the way I would like, but I'm as yet unwilling to contend with my state of contentment like that.

I will stay as I am and hope that my affection to Tohru-chan continues to be seen as small signs of affection and not 'read' into anything greater. Maybe one day I can be content to think of a relationship with her without burning to hold her. Until that day…

I will not apologize for the things I want, and to my shame I will not stop allowing myself what shows of affection I can manage. It may make Tohru-chan vulnerable to me, but it's what I need to do to keep sane and keep her as close as I can. Maybe it would be kinder to hide my affection and hope she will find someone who she can hold properly, can be normal with.

But I still must hold her in any way I can. To make up for and quench my desire to hold her in my arms. Like kissing her forehead now on the lake beach with a smile. It is my way to hold her in my embrace.