The story of Jimmy the Wonder Boy Oncologist and his best friend Dr Scruffy McCane as they make the world safe for kittens up trees everywhere.
"No, absolutely not," said House as he stood in front of the 'desk of doom', as he called it. He stamped his cane down for emphasis. "I am not going."
Cuddy sighed and waggled her hands in frustration. "House, you don't know what this could mean to the hospital. Everyone who is anyone with money will be there. The governor is flying in especially, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins were so moved they are coming. It could be an amazing opportunity for the hospital."
"She's right House," Wilson chimed in.
House waved an angry hand. "Oh - you're just agreeing with her because you can wear your tux and use your..." He paused for emphasis. "... New found hero status to impress the chicks."
"Well do it for me then. Think of my love life?"
House eyeballed him accusingly. "Anyway, I don't want another doorstop."
Wilson gaped at him disbelievingly and House sighed. "I meant the award, not Mrs Wilson the fourth."
Wilson took a deep breath. "Okay, maybe that wasn't the most persuasive argument." He looked over at Cuddy for guidance, but she just rolled her eyes in despair.
He continued bravely on. "Think of the sex. You never know - one of those lovely ladies might have a thing for scruffy... irritable... doctors... who don't shave… and… limp…" he trailed off with a wince, aware of just how he lame he sounded.
House perked up. "Why Doctor Wilson, you rogue." He batted his eyelids. "You know all the right things to say to a girl. No wonder I like you." He winked and Cuddy noticed that Wilson turned bright pink.
Cuddy stood up. "Look, if you'll go - I'll have sex with you," she said exasperated.
"Okay," said House quickly. He smiled. "You're on."
Cuddy's mouth fell open. "No, I didn't mean..."
House took her hand and shook it. "It's a deal." He leered suggestively. "Lisa."
Trying not to laugh to hard House waggled his head to one side. "Oh relax. I'll go... but there is one caveat."
"Three weeks."
"Six."
"Four."
"Five, and I wear a tie."
"Not one of Wilson's?"
"Hey!"
"God forbid."
"Done."
House leered at her. "You know - for six weeks I really will sleep with you?"
"Five weeks off clinic, one tie and no sex will do me nicely thank you Doctor House," she said sitting down again. "Now - the two of you out of my office now."
House opened his mouth to continue the argument, but whatever crude remark he was about to emit was cut off as he was suddenly yanked back by Wilson and dragged unceremoniously out of the office.
She could still hear them arguing as they made their way through the clinic, Wilson telling House to play nice and accept the award with grace and House complaining how he saved people every few weeks and he didn't see how this time warranted a swanky dinner and Susan Sarandon. The last thing she heard was House fantasizing a little too loudly about an awards ceremony that involved a few beers and the team from Girls Gone Wild before Wilson thwaped him around the back of his head and they disappeared from view.
"And now I'd like to present the awards to our two hero doctors."
So far, so good she thought. The evening had been a great success. Everyone who was everyone in Princeton was here. There were even a few minor Kennedy's. A few of the kids had been well enough to come and had been kept entertained by a few local TV celebrities. Even House had behaved, but she suspected that was only because Wilson was keeping him on a tight leash.
Cuddy watched as Wilson and House came onto the stage, smiled bashfully and accepted their awards for merit.
But at the Mayor's next words she froze.
"Would you like to say a few words?" asked the mayor. 'No, no, no… no way,' she thought to herself.
As if sensing her anguish House grinned at the audience and then back at the major like a deranged idiot. "Why yes I would sir."
Wilson just stood there with a dumbstruck look on his face.
There was absolute quiet in the auditorium as Greg House stepped up to the mike. He waggled it so it squeaked a bit, then he looked solemnly around the expectant room.
Cuddy put a hand over her eyes.
"Climb out of your holes people," he yelled and then wandered off.
The crowd looked at each other in disbelief as if to ask do we clap or laugh? Wilson went up to the mike. "What my 'colleague' meant to say was thank you very much for this..."
"Wilson," came a yell from off stage.
Wilson smiled primly. "…Honour," he said wincing as "Where's the bar?" floated across the stage.
"Thanks, excuse me," he finished as he made a very undignified exit after House.
The microphone squealed again and Cuddy put her hands on her head. "Well that went better that it could have," she said to herself. Tomorrow morning she was going to find a sturdy length of chain and chain House to exam room one until Hell froze over.
…
Cuddy was unsuccessfully trying to drown herself in martinis when House came and sat beside her.
"All you had to do was smile?" she said slowly.
"Nah… takes all the fun out of it," he said. "But I did wear a tie," he said as he waggled the offending item.
"Well you did save them all, so maybe you deserved the award."
"That was mostly Wilson." House looked wistful. "He's the brave one. I just stood there and offered helpful advice. That's our relationship in a nutshell really."
She looked over at him. "Really?" He just smiled. House wasn't the kind of person who gave anything away.
She was drunk and then she realized he was also 'three sheets to the wind'. They were the only ones left in the auditorium. The waiters were packing up.
"I'm gonna chain you up," she said.
"Now that sounds fun," he said.
She looked at him. "Not when it is in exam room one."
"Oh, no - that doesn't sound quite so fun," he said. "But maybe this might cheer you up and save me a caning."
House produced a big wad of paper from his jacket and put it down on the table. She looked at the pile and then at him in amazement.
He smiled smugly. "Amazing what a cute oncologist and scruffy irritable diagnostician with excellent ties can do."
She pawed through them. "How much?"
"About 3.5 million, give or take."
Cuddy shook her head: "House..." She couldn't find the words.
He smiled genuinely at her. "I know, and look - here comes Mr Jimmy." He leaned in and shook his head. "No luck tonight."
"Hey," said Wilson as approached the table. "I'll have you know I have lots of phone numbers," he said patting his breast pocket. "But as tonight is tomorrow, what say we head off for an early coffee and then home you," he said as he stood behind House.
"Home?" said House drunkenly, twisting his head to look up at Wilson.
Wilson smiled lazily down at House. "Yes House…Home." He confirmed as he rested a hand on House's shoulder.
"Sounds like a plan to me," said House as he stood, holding out an elbow for Cuddy. "Madame, may us two heroic gentlemen, the esteemed Doctor Wilson of the Cancer Kiddies and the esteemed Doctor House of the Amazing Ever-Revealing Whiteboard, escort you for latte and then home?"
Cuddy stood up and took his elbow. "Quite the gentleman when you want to be," she said as they left the auditorium, Wilson ambling in the lead with Lisa and House behind.
"Well I gotta be," he whispered. "You still owe me sex."
"House... I could attach a ball to the end of that chain?"
"Okay, okay"