The Joys Of Fatherhood

This is dedicated to my friend Andyouthinkimcrazy, 'cuz I wuvs her! xD And, OMG, it's shounen ai! O.O The world as we know it has come to an end! AHHHHHHHHH! Lol. But seriously, she wrote a non-yaoi fic dedicated to me so I guess the least I could do is write a shounen ai fic for her. And if you like yaoi then read Andyouthinkimcrazy's stories. They're good. Read them. READ THEM NOW! Ahem, after you read this fic, of course.

…RYOU X BAKURA HAWT-NESS FOREVER! xD

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or even the idea for this story; that's all thanks to Kazuki Takahashi and Andyouthinkimcrazy. Even the pharaoh's letter was written by Andyouthinkimcrazy, with just a few tweaks to make it fit better in the story. In fact, I own nothing… except your mom… all night long. xD And yes, that statement was intended to traumatize you.

WARNING: Shounen ai (duh), some language, author's first attempt at fluff between boys, probably some OOCness, Atemu's sore loser-ness and emo-ness, a bit of Yami-bashing (because he's probably the most fun to make fun of besides Kaiba), and Bakura's slight pedophilic tendencies… O.o

Bakura casually swung the front door open as he stepped inside the apartment he shared with his light, whistling a tune that somewhat resembled "Funky Town." Bakura was in an uncharacteristically good mood, which usually meant that some poor mortal was now suffering in the realm of eternal darkness, but as long as Bakura was satisfied…

Deciding that he should share his happiness with his light, Bakura smirked as he soon found himself standing in front of Ryou's bedroom door. Bakura slowly pushed the door open to his light's room, the former tomb robber's eyes shining with devilish intent as he spotted the bump hiding beneath the covers in the queen-sized bed.

Bakura's already large smirk grew as he silently tip-toed until he stood right at Ryou's bedside. He stared down at the large bump coming from under the sheets, preparing for his attack. Suddenly, with inhuman speed, Bakura pulled back the sheets, expecting to see his light's annoyed expression staring back at him.

Instead, he found a pair of wide, innocent, child-like eyes staring back at him in confusion. Where Ryou should have been, was a small boy, nearly identical to Ryou in every way with the exception of his smaller-than-average body.

"What… the… HELL!"

-----

Dear Tomb Robber,


You must have guessed by now that there's something different about Ryou. Well I must say that's it's my fault. I've been playing with Shadow Magic a little and the spell I had cast affected Ryou. For one week he'll be completely childish.


I doubt that you should do your normal activities, Tomb Robber; you'll terrify him if you come home covered in blood and I don't think he'll understand sexual advances. I don't think he even understands the fact that Yugi and I are like the two of you; he thinks we're brothers.


I'm warning you though; don't pressure him into anything he doesn't understand. If you traumatize him I'll send you to the Shadow Realm for the remainder of the week, if not more. Why, you could even think of this as a challenge. Let's see if the Tomb Robber can keep his hands off his childish light.


Have a wonderful sexually frustrated week,
Pharaoh Atemu

-----

Bakura read the letter over and over again, but he still couldn't believe it.

The former tomb robber rubbed his temples in annoyance as he stared down at the note. He crumpled up the letter and threw it across the room, all the while wishing that he could do the exact same thing to the stupid pharaoh's fat head.

Bakura felt a light tug on his pant's leg and looked down to see his now miniaturized light staring up at him curiously with those large, childish eyes. Bakura's scowl instantly vanished from his features, quickly being replaced by a genuine smile; at least, as close to a genuine smile that the former tomb robber was humanly capable of.

Bakura sighed breathily as he picked Ryou up by the seat of his pants and set the small boy on his lap. Bakura stroked Ryou's silky hair, causing the boys eyes to flutter shut as he leaned against the elder boy's chest; it was only moments before Ryou drifted off to the realm of dreams.

Bakura stared down at his young light, still stroking the boy's hair as he nuzzled him closer to chest. Tomorrow he was going to have a nice, long talk with the pharaoh, but for now… For now, all Bakura wanted was to rest. Perhaps things would look better in the morning.

Bakura had no idea how wrong he was.

Bakura's eyes slowly fluttered open as the rays from the sun seeped through the blinds to rest upon his eyelids. His mind was in a comfortable haze, refusing to completely awaken from its peaceful state. After a moment or so, Bakura regained enough sense to realize something was amiss. No, someone was amiss…

Bakura's eyes widened, the absence of his young host enough to wake his brain out of its stupor. "Ryou!" the former tomb robber called out as he jumped up from his spot on the couch, frantically turning his head from left to right in hopes of spotting the boy. He had no such luck.

And that's when he heard it. A loud crash of metal against metal sounded from the kitchen. Bakura's eyes grew to the size of saucers, his mouth hanging open in silent obscenities. "Oh Ra, Ryou!" Bakura screamed as he scampered towards the kitchen, tripping over his feet once or twice in his haste.

In all of Bakura's life and afterlife he had seen some sick things; he'd even witnessed his entire village being thrown into a boiling pot of gold in order to create the Millennium Items when he was a young child. Still, nothing could've prepared Bakura for the sight he was met with.

The kitchen was in complete disarray. Pots and pans were scattered upon the floor, as well as broken shards of glass that were once wine glasses and plates that laid in heaps on the floor from when they'd been thrown. Drawers were opened and pulled from their wooden bases, spilling its contents all over the floor and counters. Forks were shoved inside the plugs on the wall, as well as inside the toaster's slots. A goopy substance that Bakura assumed was once food was smeared against the once-clean walls, displaying poorly-drawn finger-paintings of bunnies and flowers.

And there, in the very center of the chaos, was Ryou, wearing nothing but a colander on his head. He giggled as he playfully smacked a spatula against a large cooking pot, delighting himself in the loud clanging noise it made.

Bakura's eye twitched. It took all the self control he harbored to keep himself from raising his voice. "Ryou, you need to clean up this mess right now" he stated in an eerily calm tone

"No!" Ryou shouted defiantly as he glared up at his Yami. "No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!" Ryou shouted, pounding his spatula against the pot with each word he spoke.

Bakura's head jerked to the side so suddenly and so violently that it caused his neck to make a sickening cracking sound. What little self-control the thief had left was quickly disappearing more and more as he stared down at his defiant little light. Bakura wasn't used to the boy standing up for himself and was confused to see him doing so now in his current state, especially when he was so sweet and quiet just the night before.

The former tomb robber growled in the back of his throat. "Ryou, you know how much I hate repeating myself and I'm only going to say this once more. Clean up this mess. Now!"

Bakura was just barely able to dodge the spatula as it was hurled straight at his head.

"Ryou, NO! Bad boy, BAD! We do not throw things in this house! Now you better apologize or-" Bakura was interrupted by the giant cooking pot that smacked him in the right side of his face, causing the former king of thieves to collapse to the ground next to his light. Ryou giggled and clapped his hands together happily at the funny faces and groaning sounds his yami was making. "I think it's time we paid the pharaoh a little visit…" Bakura trailed off, glaring at his cheerful light while rubbing the side of his face.

Sweat dripped down the pharaoh's forehead as he carefully studied the playing cards that were in his hands. He slyly glanced up from his own cards to take a peek at his opponent, Yugi, who was smiling cheerfully at his yami. The boy held his own cards carefully, making sure that Atemu didn't take a sneak peek at his hand.

Putting on his best poker face, Atemu studied Yugi, trying to figure out the boy's hand just by watching his face. The former king of Egypt swept his tongue out across his upper lip in concentration as he stared back down at his own cards. Atemu did his best to calm down, assuring himself that the heart of the cards wouldn't let him down and would lead him to victory.

Atemu smirked. "Got any threes?"

"Nope, go fish!" Yugi said as he smiled back at his darkness.

Atemu's eyebrow twitched. "Oh no… I… I failed. The heart of the cards has failed me! No, I FAILED THE HEART OF THE CARDS! I'M A FAILURE! Oh, woe to the woman that gave birth to this lowly failure of a man! I'm the almighty pharaoh yet I could do nothing as this mere child defeated and outwitted me so easily! Oh, the shame, the humiliation! I deserve to be banished to the deepest, darkest pits of the Shadow Realm! I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE!" Atemu ended the statement by banging his head against the ground with a loud thud, not even bothering to pick himself back up.

Yugi sighed. "Pharaoh, it's just go fish…" he trailed off, though he knew it wouldn't do any good. His drama queen of a yami always got like this whenever he lost a game. Yugi almost felt sorry for his dark counterpart; it had been so long since he had been able to play a game without the fate of the world riding on the winner.

The sound of the bell that hung on the game store's entrance ringing startled Yugi out of his thoughts. He looked to the side of the building where the store's entrance was located which was only separated from where he currently was by a thin wall and a poorly constructed door. "Come on Pharaoh; it sounds like we have a customer."

Yugi turned towards where his yami was to see that he wasn't there. Instead, the elder boy had managed to crawl from his spot on the floor and now stood in front of the fish tank, his head dunked into the tank in an attempt to drown himself. Yugi would've been worried under normal circumstances, but it wasn't the first time Atemu had done it after losing a game. He was such a sore loser.

"On second thought, I'll handle the customer by myself. Just make sure you get your head out of the tank soon; you're scaring the fish."

Yugi quickly slipped out through the door that led to behind the counter in the front of the game store. He smiled as he recognized the man that stood in front of him, glaring as he impatiently tapped his foot. "It's good to see you again, Bakura." Yugi's smile faltered for a moment as he saw the young boy twisting around in Bakura's arms, trying to bite the man's fingers off, but the smile soon returned even stronger than before. "I see you brought a friend with you."

Bakura huffed. "Take me to the idiot pharaoh. I need to have a word with him."

Yugi nodded his head with a sigh, then showed Bakura back to the room he and his yami had been playing cards in just moments before. Sure enough, the pharaoh was there, his head still shamefully dunked in the fish tank.

Yugi's eyes widened slightly. He hadn't realized that Atemu could hold his breath for that long… Yugi slowly approached his yami. "Pharaoh, are you okay?" the younger boy asked, tapping Atemu on the shoulder.

Atemu suddenly jerked his head out of the water, his dampened hair splashing Yugi in the face, drenching the boy to the bone and forcing the boy to wring his hair dry. Atemu, on the other hand, didn't even bother to dry himself off, his wet bans hanging over his eyes. He glared menacingly up at Bakura, pointing an accusatory finger at him. "YOU!" he shouted. "What is it that you want, you fiend!"

Bakura's eyebrow twitched. "What do you think I want, Pharaoh" Bakura stated in a mocking tone. "I want you to change my host from this evil heathen child back to the innocent young man he was!" For emphasis, Bakura extended his arms and held Ryou out in front of the pharaoh's face. Ryou gave up on his task of trying to eat Bakura's fingers in favor of pulling at Atemu's bangs.

Atemu ignored the young boy, keeping his glare settled on the thief's form. "I already told you, tomb robber, the spell I had cast lasts for an entire week; maybe even longer. If I could change him back right away then I would've done it by now. If you want Ryou back to his original form then you're going to have to wait for an entire week." Atemu winced as Bakura let go of Ryou; the only thing keeping the boy from falling to the ground was his tight hold on the former pharaoh's hair.

Yugi quickly stepped in, grabbing a hold of Ryou and carefully prying Atemu's bangs away from the child's harsh grip. He then turned towards Bakura. "Atemu and I are really sorry about what happened to Ryou; it was an accident! Ryou had come over to visit us and Atemu was messing around with his spell book, even though I told him not to." Yugi paused, sending Atemu a disappointed look and causing the yami to look down at the ground and shuffle his feet like a scolded child. "Atemu must've accidentally activated one of the spells and cast it on Ryou."

Bakura growled in the back of his throat. "What am I supposed to do about him?" Bakura asked, pointing to the squirming boy in Yugi's arms. "I don't know the first thing about kids."

"We'll help you watch Ryou!" Yugi stated cheerfully, causing his yami to give him a wide-eyed look. "It's the least we can do. After all, this is all Atemu's fault!" Yugi exclaimed, his smile never faltering.

Atemu sweat-dropped. "Do you have to say it like that, Aibou?"

Yugi ignored him. "We should probably take Ryou somewhere where he can burn off all this extra energy" Yugi laughed as Ryou kept trying to jump out of his arms. "Would you like that, Ryou? Would you like to go to the park and play?" Yugi smiled down at Ryou as he giggled and clapped his hands together in excitement. "Then it's settled; we're going to take Ryou to the park." And with that, Yugi stepped out of the house with Ryou bouncing with joy in his arms.

Both of the dark spirits watched as the young hikari skipped off. Bakura turned towards Atemu. "Well, he's certainly a bossy little snot."

"…I love it when he gets all dominant like that…" Atemu mumbled, staring after Yugi with a dreamy look in his eyes.

Bakura rolled his eyes and followed after the pharaoh's light before he could learn any more disturbing secrets about the pharaoh's personal life. Atemu walked dazedly behind him.

Bakura sat on the bench, lazily watching Ryou as he played in the sandbox with a few other kids. One of the little girls had built a sand castle and Ryou wasted no time in knocking it down. Bakura couldn't help but chuckle as the girl ran away crying. Who would've thought that his sweet, innocent hikari was such a bully when he was little? Bakura was so proud he almost cried.

Bakura's good mood instantly diminished as he caught sight of his not-so-favorite people. The mere mention of their names alone was enough to make him feel nauseous. The pharaoh's friends; Jonouchi, Honda, and Anzu.

Bakura groaned as the three stooges spotted the young tri-color-haired boy that just happened to be sitting beside him. Yugi, on the other hand, was absolutely ecstatic to see the three and waved them over exuberantly.

The three friends smiled as they approached their young friend, greeting him with friendly faces and excited hugs-- well, Anzu hugged him, Jonouchi and Honda just gave him an awkward man-handshake. (Men can be so stupid.)

Bakura rolled hi eyes, turning back towards the sandbox just in time to see Ryou throw sand in some little boy's eyes before stealing his plastic shovel and hitting him over the head with it. Bakura chuckled darkly. "That's my boy."

The chuckling soon ceased once Ryou walked over to Bakura and smacked him in the ankle with his shovel.

Bakura jumped up, gripping his ankle as he hopped up and down on his leg that wasn't injured. "Why you little-- I'll kill you!" he shouted, his face red with unadulterated rage. Ryou's eyes widened and he quickly ran behind Yugi's legs for protection.

"Be nice, Bakura" Yugi chastised as he picked up Ryou and rocked the boy back and forth in a calm, soothing motion. "He's just a little kid; he doesn't know any better. Besides, who could stay mad at that face?" Yugi nearly squealed, rubbing his nose against Ryou's cheek and causing the small boy to giggle in glee.

Bakura was about to answer that he was very capable of staying mad at a face like that, no matter how cute it may be, when Anzu interrupted him. "Is… Is that Bakura's son!" she nearly shrieked in horror. The thought of having another psychotic, sadistic fiend running around committing crimes and sending people to the Shadow Realm was enough to send a shiver down the poor girl's spine.

Bakura got an indignant look. "Oh puh-lease! Since I've gotten my own body, the only person I've slept with is Ryou!"

Silence.

"Ryou's a chick!" Jonouchi and Honda screamed out at the same time, shocked expressions adorning their faces.

More silence.

"Idiots" Anzu muttered, rubbing her temples in annoyance.

Bakura twitched. "No, Ryou's not a woman" he stated in a dull tone. "And if you want to know who the kid is, why don't you ask the pharaoh? I'm sure he'd love to fill you in with the details." Bakura ended the statement by crossing his arms and glaring at anyone that dared to even look at him.

"Hey, where is da pharaoh?" Jonouchi questioned, turning his head from side to side, scanning the area of the park nearby for any traces of Atemu. He found none.

"Where could he be?" Yugi questioned aloud, placing a finer over his chin in thought, using his other hand to hold Ryou against his chest. He closed his eyes in thought, then used his mind link with the dark spirit to gain contact with Atemu in hopes that he'd be able to discover the location of the former pharaoh. Yugi sighed as he opened his eyes. "Not again" he muttered.

"What is it, Yugi? Where's the pharaoh?" Anzu asked, a concerned expression gracing her features.

"You don't want to know" Yugi stated simply. "Let's go get ice cream! Bakura and I will explain about the kid there" he said, changing the subject.

Bakura was about to question the boy on the whereabouts of the pharaoh, but decided that ice cream was more important than the pharaoh any day.

Meanwhile…

"You know, I'm the Duel Monsters champion" Atemu stated with a smirk as he approached two girls that were sitting on a bench, talking animatedly. They both looked up at him, giving him puzzled stares. He sat between them, wrapping his arms around their shoulders. "I even beat the creator at his own game, in the Shadow Realm no less!"

Both the girls blinked. "Um, what's Duel Monsters?" asked the first girl, a confused look on her face. Atemu's smug look faltered slightly.

"I know that game" stated the second girl. Atemu smiled. "It's this dorky little card game. My five-year-old brother plays it."

"Oh yeah!" That's the game all the nerds play during lunch! Wow, you're the champion so you must be the biggest loser ever!" stated the first girl, turning towards Atemu.

"Yeah, and you're probably a virgin too!" said the second girl in a way too cheerful tone.

"Hey, I am not! I've had sex plenty of times…" Atemu drawled off, not really sure of what else to say.

"And who did your hair? That has to be the saddest excuse for a hairdo I've ever seen! It's more like a hair-don't! It looks like you just woke up in the morning, poured gasoline over your head, and threw a lit match onto it! And how much hairspray did you use to hold up that thing! You and your hair alone could destroy what's left of the ozone layer within a year. And who are you trying to fool? Your hair is so not natural. It's, like, three different colors! Sheesh!"

"My hair's not that bad" Atemu whined, tears starting to well up in his eyes.

"And why are you so short?" started the second girl. "Aren't you in high school? Man, that's sad. I have a teddy bear at my house that's bigger than you."

"Y-you're mean!" Atemu shouted, the tears spilling out from his eyes. "I hate you! I'm going home!" Atemu ran off screaming, crying like a little girl.

Both girls watched as he ran off. As soon as he was out of view they both turned back towards each other.

"So, who's next on our list of famous people to make fun of until they cry?" asked the second girl.

"Seto Kaiba." Both girls smirked, then got up from their spots on the bench and walked away.

"So, let me get this straight… The pharaoh accidentally cast a spell that turned Ryou into a little kid and now he'll be stuck like this for at least a week?" Honda questioned before scooping up a piece of his banana split and eating it.

Yugi nodded. "I feel so guilty; it's all my fault. I should've taken the book away from Atemu as soon as I found it, then none of this would've ever happened" Yugi stated with a n uncharacteristically gloomy look on his face. His expression lightened up a bit as he saw Ryou eating his ice cream messily, getting ice cream all over his shirt, cheeks, and chin.

"Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault that the pharaoh is an irresponsible moron" Bakura stated, his mouth full of a spoonful of chocolate ice cream. The former tomb robber was having trouble keeping the ice cream from getting all over the place and almost made as big a mess as his hikari.

Yugi sighed. "I still feel bad though. If you want, I can stay with you for the week to look after Ryou until he's back to normal again. It would make me feel better."

Bakura considered the idea. After all, he knew very little about children and Ryou had already proved countless times that he was a formidable foe and was not one to be underestimated. Bakura would be lucky if he survived the night, let alone the remainder of the week. Besides, Bakura didn't want to even think about changing diapers…

On the other hand, if he accepted Yugi's assistance then he would be admitting that this was a situation that he couldn't handle. He was a criminal mastermind; he had robbed the booby-trapped tombs of ancient pharaohs, sent countless souls into the realm of shadows, and had nearly brought a reign of eternal darkness over the entire world, yet he couldn't even handle taking care of a toddler? How pitiful.

Bakura weighed his options, considering the pros and cons, and finally came to a decision. He'd accept Yugi's help; he told himself he didn't need any help, he was just exploiting the naïve boy's kindness and using it to his advantage.

"Fine, you can spend the night and help if it will stop you from whining" Bakura muttered, taking another large bite of his ice cream.

Yugi smiled. "Great! I'll be sure to tell Atemu! He and I will go back to the house later and pack up with enough clothes for the week!" Yugi stood up and started skipping out of the building.

Bakura's eyes widened to the size of saucers. "I didn't say the pharaoh could sleep in my house!" he shouted, but it was too late; Yugi was already gone. "This is just great…" Bakura moaned sarcastically, then slammed his head repeatedly against the tabletop.

Ryou, who was now sitting comfortably in Anzu's lap, giggled happily and bounced up and down on the girl's lap in excitement as he watched Bakura.

"Uh, Bakura… You gonna be okay?" Jonouchi asked, raising an eyebrow. All Honda and Anzu could do was sit there and stare at the white-haired fiend who, despite Jonouchi's question, hadn't faltered in his head-banging.

"Just set the baby down and go away…" the former thief king mumbled, his words being slightly muffled from the tabletop's surface being pressed against his lips every two seconds from his constant banging.

The three friends sent Ryou a worried glance, not quite sure if they should leave the baby alone with the mentally unstable man, but set him down on one of the chairs nonetheless. They walked towards the exit and set Ryou one more concerned look before leaving, lest they face Bakura's wrath.

Bakura sighed, lifting his head up from the table to stare Ryou in the eyes. "Something tells me this is going to be a long week." As if in response to Bakura's statement, Ryou knocked one of the leftover ice creams bowls that was filled with melted ice cream onto the floor, then looked up at Bakura with a smile. Bakura growled, massaging his temples in an attempt to calm his nerves. "Yes, a very long week."

Yes, that was chapter one of Andyouthinkimcrazy's present! That's right, chapter! As in, there will be more! This was originally just supposed to be a one-shot, but there's just too much I can do with this story that won't fit within a single chapter. I've never done Shounen ai before (though there really wasn't any of that in this chappy) and I guess I'm embracing my inner yaoi fangirl right now. xD

Lisa-chan, sorry if this isn't exactly what you pictured when you gave me the idea. It's just… once my mind finally started working it started creating weird ideas, like drama queen Atemu and bratty Ryou. Well, I hope you like it anyway.