Summary: "Cameron, I've got something special for you to do. Please try not to scream with girlish delight." Just what went on the weekend House and Cameron pranked Wilson?

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I claim no rights to or affiliation with the Fox TV show House:MD. And I thank the powers that be that this sort of fiction falls into the grey area of copyright infringement since I find it so damned enjoyable.

Author's Note: This is the promised companion to "Better Check the date on that Diagnosis" – conveniently available via my profile. Life will be much easier for you as a reader if you read that one first. There are two more parts to go to this little story, it was much longer in telling than "Diagnosis." Please let me know if I'm letting anyone get out of character. Reviews greatly appreciated, especially constructive criticism. Thanks.

Behind the Scenes: Devil in the Details

Monday, March 27, 2006, 2pm

"Foreman, Chase- find me that butt. CoCo's preferably," House clarified, "but I'll settle for the cigar. Cameron, I've got something special for you to do. Please try not to scream with girlish delight. Or if you do make sure it's loud enough for someone to hear, the rumor mill has been so quiet lately." Chase and Foreman left after rolling their eyes and scowling enough to be sure House knew they were not happy with his instructions.

Cameron remained seated, memorializing her coworkers' scowls in case her boss forgot what they looked like. "The fact that one of my X chromosomes isn't a stunted mutant doesn't mean I can't do anything but run labs and take histories."

That was an impressive display of the use of double negatives. "Hey, I didn't make the rules for the He-Man-Woman-Hater's-Club." House waggled his fingers at Cameron from under his chin. "But if you're a good girl I might teach you the super secret sign." Cameron looked like she was about to protest again so House cut her off. "I know you were just chomping at the bit to go down to a strip club and dig through the trash for a cigar butt, but I didn't want you to go and quit again when the nice ladies at Peaches and Cream offered you a better salary." House made his way over to the slightly open door of his office and shut it, scanning the hallway for familiar faces. "Don't look so surprised Dr. Cameron." He had his back to her but he could guess at her expression. Wide eyes. Open mouth. "Peaches and Cream is a classy place- the type the honorable judge M. K. Tiptin would-" House turned and Cameron's expression wasn't surprised in the least.

"I know what it is. How do think I paid my way through college? See I would have been just the person to send."

"You're kidding." He was fairly certain that she was. "You went to school in Illinois," he challenged.

Her face remained unchanged and an image of a scantily clad Cameron and a pole flashed into his mind. Brain disengaging. Then her mouth split into a smile. "Why Dr. House," she said, "you actually read my application. Shocking. Now what am I supposed to be doing while Chase and Foreman are getting their lap dances?"

House was wearing the expression he'd been picturing on Cameron a moment ago. "I've completely forgotten." He said. She laughed like he was kidding. "Oh, you're laughing- I'm not laughing." He shook his head. "Right. Got any big plans this weekend, Dr. Cameron?"

A year ago her jaw would have hit the table. Now she just looked at him steadily. There was a long silence. House raised his eyebrows, pressing the question. "Oh," she said, "you wanted an answer, not just a reaction?"

"Yes." Oh, I love it when they start to think they've got me figured out.

"No."

"No? No what? No plans, or are you being defiant."

Cameron sighed like the idea of playing such petty games tired her. "No plans."

"Excellent." House grinned and twirled his cane in his hand. Just you wait Jimmy Wilson. "Because I plan on using you."

Tuesday 8 am

Cameron was the first to arrive at the Diagnostics Department Tuesday morning, as always. She unlocked the door and wondered absently if House even had a key. She pushed the door open. There was a dim light in the room. Something moved. Cameron jumped and one hand went to her heart. "Dr. House! You scared me!" He was sitting there at his desk, washed in the blue light of his computer monitor. She yanked her jacket off, her heart was still beating too quickly. "Someone's going to get suspicious with you coming in early."

"When better to meet for our secret trysts?" she was shaking her head. "I've got it all planned out Grasshopper, watch and learn."

She got the SNL reference. He didn't think she would but she did. House handed her a sheet of paper with a list printed on it. It read:

S.A. Satan

Monday

Sacrifice pager

Tuesday

Make the coffee

Wednesday

Say something mean to someone

Avoid Wilson

Thursday

Avoid Wilson some more

Wear something hot

Pretend like you're trying hard not to moon over me

Friday

Lock keys in car

Get someone to call as locksmith (7 pm)

Answer phone on cue

BE READY TO GO AT 7:30

Saturday

Go home and don't get too comfortable

Sunday

Figure out something entertaining

"Some of those should come easy for you," House said helpfully, "like pretending you're trying not to moon over me. You're great at that."

Cameron ignored the comment. "What is this?" She poked her finger at the heading, "'S.A. Satan?"

"That's your codename. Duh." House said, "Secret Agent Satan."

She snatched the sheet of paper House was holding. It was his list as she suspected. She scanned it quickly. "Why do you get to be James Bond and I'm Satan?"

"Because the devil should be a woman," he said as if it were a matter of practicality, "and if anyone finds it they'll have no idea you're involved. They'll just think it's Stacy's 'to-do' list."

Cameron had to keep herself from wincing at the mention of Stacy's name. She wasn't really jealous- not anymore. She really had gotten over House. Not because he told her to or because he had managed to convince her that he wasn't worth the effort. In fact, she had held onto her feelings when they first started to fade just to prove him wrong.

She had begun to let go when Stacy showed up and begun to get over him a few weeks later when her oldest brother called on the anniversary of her husband's death. She had told Kevin about House. "Stop punishing yourself Allison," her brother had said. "I know you decided you'd rather go to hell than believe in the whole God thing but there's no reason to start your laps in the burning lake of sulfur now. I'm sure Hell will be waiting for you when you get there."

That was just like Kevin- blunt and to the point even if it was the day her husband died. He reminded her of House that way. But, speaking of House- and Stacy- maybe that was why Cameron still resented the woman. She still liked House well enough- when she didn't hate him for being an ass- and Stacy had hurt him even worse by walking back into his life. She could safely resent Stacy for that, for hurting her friend- or whatever he was.

"Misdirection?" Cameron asked and gave House a mischievous smile. "Well then we should really cover your tracks better." She picked up a pencil and scratched through '007' and wrote a new name in its place in big, capital letters. She handed the list back to House.

"Prince Charming?" He grabbed the pencil from her hand and began erasing. "Good thinking," he rewrote a letter, "but that girly 'G' would have given you away."

Friday 7 pm

It was a warm night for the end of March. Heat lightning crackled through the darkened sky as House sped through Cameron's neighborhood in his Corvette. He thumbed his phone, searching for Cameron's home number that he had programmed in before leaving the house. Her machine answered after only two rings, that was good, it probably meant someone else had already left a message and hopefully that message was from the "locksmith." The automated voice finished speaking and the machine beeped. "Cameron. Pick up your phone," House said, "or I will leave you stranded in your own comfortable home to miss an incredibly boring party. And that would be too nice." He parked his car. How long was she going to let him go on? "You'd be cramping my sty-"

"House?" She finally cut in. There was a pause. "Okay the machine cut off," she said. "Are you on your way over?"

"No." He rapped on her door. "Are you ready?"

Cameron opened the door by way of response. "Ready."

"Good timing." House said, holding the door open for her.

"I heard you shut the car door over the phone," Cameron smiled, "the devil's in the details."

"Bravo, Secret Agent Satan."

"I just hope the boys don't pick up on it." Cameron said. "And I hope that they don't realize that a woman who keeps two spare house keys probably has a spare car key."

House smiled briefly, thinking of Foreman and Chase going over all the details he and Cameron had set up like a medical case. "I am fully confident in their incompetence. I mean Foreman's a bit of a risk with all those ghetto smarts of his. If I was pretending to woo him and you and Chase were playing Holmes and Watson we'd be solid."

"Hey!" Cameron punched his arm.

"You hit me!" House rubbed his arm like she had done damage and tried not to laugh. It had been a solid enough hit but she had such little girl fists. "Since when do you hit? You never hit before!"

"Au contraire, I've always hit. I have brothers. But I liked you before and we were at work. It's not very professional to assault your boss," she explained.

House considered the stairs a moment before punching the button to the elevator. "Next time you decide to abuse a cripple," he said, "do him a favor and hit on the side he doesn't need for walking."

"Waa, waa," Cameron mocked as she stepped into the elevator, "what was I thinking trying to date you, I should have tried adopting you."

"Yeah. Nice going. And now the humane society says they're going to put me down next week and it's all your fault."

The last time Cameron had ridden in his car they had both been all dressed up. She had that fragile, hopeful look in her eyes that he almost missed in the midst of all his wishing to be anywhere else. This time things were different. The top was down and the night was quiet. They both wore relaxed leather jackets, jeans and t-shirts. "I feel like I'm the winner of the look-a-like contest." Cameron commented, obviously she was riding his brain wave. "Foreman would be devastated."

"Congratulations Dr. Cameron but no cane, no cash. You'll have to settle with the consolation prize- two tickets for a movie opening at the Ford theater tonight."

There was no gasp of delight from the passenger's seat. If Cameron reacted at all he couldn't tell in the dark. "You win in the shoe department too," she said, "nice Chuck's. I lived in those in high school."

House looked down at his worn in Converse high tops. "Me too." Cameron's legs were crossed so that her right foot was in view. Her foot was clad in something dark and somewhat fuzzy. "Are you wearing slippers? I mean I know we skipped out on the black tie thing…."

"Oh relax they're outer sleepwear, rubber soles," she assured him. "Besides, I didn't know we were actually going anywhere. I had to do career gymnastics to get dinner out of you- didn't really see a movie coming."

"But this is V for Vendetta! I would have taken Vogler," House said, "but then he'd probably buy the theater and fire the hot popcorn girl just because she always forgets whether you wanted butter or not and can't remember which bag is the medium. It's not her fault, all that hot and a brain can't go together. God just isn't that nice, it says so in the Bible."

"So you're a believer now?" The question was clearly rhetorical. "Can we stop and go ice skating on Hell after the movie?"

"No, you know the old bastard almost had me until you came along. Beauty and brains, clearly He's trying to tell me He doesn't exist. That or you're a pod person." House turned the radio on. "I'm not sure which one would be more interesting, a pod person subordinate or messages from a non-existent deity."

Cameron smiled and turned her face into the wind. Maybe she had realized that they were having a fairly normal conversation. The top was down and her long red hair blew about gloriously for a minute before she tied it back. "I like this song." She said absently and sang quietly along. The wind brought the notes to House's ears. In tune but nothing special. He smiled and turned the volume up for her.

Friday 10:30 pm

"Did you run into someone you know in there?" House was waiting for her just outside the doors to the Ford. "Or were the leather couches too comfortable to pass up?"

Cameron ignored his male superstition over feminine bathroom rituals and held up a brown paper bag. "Too slim to be food," House guessed, "please tell me the Ford sells lingerie now."

"Nope." She held up her prize, a copy of the 'V for Vendetta' comic book that the theater was selling.

"So I guess you liked the movie."

"Very much." She looked at the cover of the book. "And this is my first comic book so I can finally get my official Geek Club membership card."

"Uh-uh," House said in perfect deadpan, "that's a graphic novel not a comic book. You're still barred from the club until you get the terminology down. I'm on the board of the Geek Club."

"Devastation." Cameron said, being dramatic against his mock seriousness. "Do you accept bribes?"

"Dr. Cameron!" He limped off toward to the parking lot like he was shocked at her behavior. Cameron followed, laughing. "I am a Board certified medical professional. I cannot be bought! But I can be rented for the weekend."

They reached his car. House unlocked her door first since the 60s 'vette didn't come with power locks. He even opened the door for her, which was a testament to his good mood. Cameron got in and reached across, unlocking House's door and pushing it open. She had grown up with three brothers who learned from their father that they damn well better treat women like ladies and a mother that taught her that she sure as hell better show appreciation for good manners. "I already rented you for the weekend. Or did you think that me devoting me my weekend to your prank wasn't going to cost you?"

They drove for ten minutes with Def Leopard cranked up on the stereo loud enough that any conversation would have to be shouted. Then House pulled into an ice cream shop called "Johnny's Curb Service."

Cameron was just about to comment on the enormous parking lot when she realized it was packed with beautifully restored old cars displayed in an impromptu auto show. She was climbing out of the car when House flashed the headlights and told her to stay put. "What's your favorite ice cream flavor?" he asked.

"Strawberry."

"It would be," he replied. "So you didn't know what monster trucks were but you're an action movie girl?"

It took Cameron a minute to realize that House was actually initiating a conversation. Before she could answer a waitress walked right up to the driver's side window. "What can I get you?"

"A strawberry and a chocolate ice cream soda both with vanilla ice cream."

The waitress smiled. "At least somebody knows that if you come here you have to get ice cream soda."

The waitress walked away and House said, "Her mother was a waitress here when I was a kid."

Cameron didn't know if he was just commenting or deliberating reminding her that her had twenty years on her. So she answered his earlier question. "Action's fine," she said, "but I've always loved comic book movies- the ones that aren't really terrible anyway. I've got three brothers," she explained, 'and they loved Superman, and Spiderman and the X-Men and all that. And they always would talk about them with their friends and I so I kind of know all the stories but only second hand because my mother wouldn't let me have 'boy things.'"

"You were that girl who was mad every time mommy got her a new doll." House smiled, just barely but his blue eyes were bright in the light of all the headlights and Cameron looked away so she wouldn't blush.

Stop being ridiculous. You can be friends with men. You've done it before and this one's finally making an effort now that you stopped acting like a grammar school girl with a crush. "Yeah," she replied, "I dressed up like Wonder Woman for Halloween when all my friends were Dorothy and Snow White."

House whistled at this and Cameron mentally noted that his habit of reminding her that he was too old for her and then commenting on how attractive she was, was extremely annoying. Their waitress showed up again, this time bearing a tray with their ice cream sodas and a frosted mug of root beer with two straws. "Compliments of the owner, Dr. House," the waitress said. House looked toward the shop, a dignified looking older woman waved from behind the windows.

"I'm glad your mom held onto the place," House said, and raised his hand to the woman in the shop in reply. He accepted the drinks from her tray and handed Cameron her Strawberry ice cream soda.

Cameron opened her door and stepped out of the car. House raised his eyebrows in a question. "I don't trust you with ice cream in that car," she said and was sure that if she hadn't gotten out she would have been told to get out. She took House's soda and the root beer from him over the top of the car, holding both sodas in one hand by the glasses' stems.

"And the truth comes out," House had noticed her glassware juggling and said triumphantly as he maneuvered his cane and stepped of the car, "you waited tables in college."

"You caught me," Cameron admitted, "the club was slow on week nights, had to make up the difference." House scowled, probably at the perfectly straight face she so proudly kept. They both leaned on the hood of his car and Cameron asked, "So how do I eat this exactly?"

"Use the spoon to get ice cream and soda at the same time. Straw's for when it's all melted at the bottom." Cameron's first attempt was mostly rather bitter strawberry soda water. She must have made a face. "It's an acquired taste," House said.

House finished his soda very quickly. Cameron thought he might have inhaled it when she wasn't looking. Then he was free to check out the old cars while holding the root beer mug. Cameron followed but soon passed him up, more because he seemed to actually know what he was looking at and stopped to admire the exposed engines than because he walked with a cane. She doubled back now and then for a sip of root beer which House held for her since both her hands were occupied by the soda and handing the drink to her would mean he'd have to take his attention from the cars. "This is fantastic," Cameron said, nodding her head at the mug of creamy root beer.

"It's homemade," House said distractedly while he leaned over something that was all polished chrome and engine parts.

Cameron walked leisurely through the parking lot that smelled of frying oil and ice cream. There was a whole range of people there for the show from elderly couples with their finned convertibles to young kids with souped upped sports cars. She drew a mouthful of soda through her straw and smiled, it had gotten quite good.

She stopped to look at one of the finned convertibles. It was a pale lemon color with a creamy leather interior. She circled it slowly and stopped on the passenger's side to peer into its exposed innards. When she looked up she saw House through the canopy of the popped hood. A few months ago this would have been so frustrating. She'd had a great time tonight, like she had at the monster truck rally. And she was sure House had too. He was a hard read except when he was genuinely having fun, then he was like a little boy, getting excited about explosions and shiny machines and showing off his car show.

He caught her eye and smiled a real smile for the second time that night and Cameron's breath caught in her throat just a little. "Cool, huh?" He said.

Of course, things were only unbearably awkward when she forced him out of his element, making him go on a date and the like. She liked to think she had grown up some since then.

To Be Continued in part 2: "…Or Something"