Change is hard. I want to change though, so I think this might be the first step. I want to learn.
I'm going to find comfort. I have to. I don't know when I'll die. I don't know if I'm even going to. There's going to be whole lot of Jenova to go through before I can die..
I can't continue living knowing that it's going to continue like this. I have to be comfortable in my own skin or else I'll end up killing myself. Somehow.
I need something to latch on to. The gaping hole left by Hojo and Her has to be filled with something. I have to find something to be passionate about. I must.
The proverbial 'reason to get up in the morning'.
I'm looking out the window of my room right now, thinking about everything and nothing at once. The fire in Midgar is under control, and dusk is creeping up on their valiant efforts to reconstruct. Soon they will all rest and continue in the morning.
I got angry. They are probably upset with me. I've made a mess of things. The doctor didn't ruin everything- I did. I was angry. I've told them too much. They will look at me differently. They will see me in a worse light because I've lost control and revealed too much of myself. They can torture me with this, rub it in my face and desert me.
When I had opened my eyes I immediately regretted these thoughts.
Cid is currently snoring in the chair, and Tifa… she has her head on the bed, over her folded hands. It was Cid's snoring that had originally awakened me.
There's a lump in my throat every time I look at this scene.
They had stayed. They didn't leave me alone at all. Even in my sleep.
A part of me wants them to turn on me. It'll be easier. I'll be able to blame them and be hurt and retreat back into my head and never say anything ever again. This… This kindness… It's more difficult. A part of me is scared of the prospect of happiness.
Not so much happiness itself but the contrast it creates. By knowing contentment you know sorrow. If you're constantly down, you get used to it. It hurts more to stop taking a drug than it does to never take it at all, no matter how good it feels when you're high.
I don't want pain anymore, do you understand, Tifa? Do you get it, Cid?
Be mean to me. Hate me. Scorn me and drive me out. Anything but the fear that one day your kindness will be taken away from me. What's so obvious to everybody else is like a dream to me. I've had it all once and it was taken away. It could happen again in a blink of an eye.
…They'll wake up and they'll pity me..
No! They're not like that. I want to believe it.
I must believe it because I don't have any strength left not to. These are good people. They are my friends. They are the friends of Vincent that lives in the days after Meteor. They are my friends.
I take in a shaky breath.
I want to dare to dream.
I want to dare think that the friendship I once shared is repeatable. That the Vincent I envy as an arrogant Turk is still somewhere inside.
'Not entirely human anymore?' Well, I'm still human enough to get angry at that confession. Still human enough to wish I wasn't, sometimes.
A knock on the door, and it nearly falls over. I notice now that it was torn off one hinge and is hanging precariously from the other. How did that happen? How unperceptive of me.
Tifa stirs, and because I don't know what to do I turn away and look intently out the window.
My ears paint every step: She hastily gets up and heads to the door. Lifting it so it can turn on its one-remaining hinge, she opens it and whispers to the person on the other side.
"Yes? Oh, hello."
"What's his temperature?" I hear the physician on the other side. I think there's a tremor in his voice. I may have scared him a little too much. Tifa mutters 'Just a moment' and starts towards me again.
Should I turn to face her? Then she might be afraid to check my temperature and it'll be awkward. But it doesn't feel right deceiving her like this.
Ah-
Too slow, Valentine. Her hand feels cool and soft against my forehead. A foreign feeling, that. Only when she removes her hand do I realize that I had stopped breathing.
Just like Tifa. No questions, no bells and whistles. She just does what needs to be done with nothing stopping her. Not even my reticent nature.
"He's much better." She says when she's at the door again. I'm afraid I lost my senses there for a moment.
I can still feel her hand on my forehead. How peculiar.
I'm looking out the window. I don't know what else to do.
I'm relieved. Since I woke up I feel like a million pounds have been lifted from my heart. As though there was a great boulder stopping it, and now it is gone.
Will this feeling stay? Can my heart even contain joy anymore? Sometimes I wonder if my heart is not unlike a strainer. The bigger, heavier feelings like grief and guilt stay, while the smaller, fleeting moments of joy and contentment slip through the holes.
I never expect to be happy. I never really did. Happiness is not a location one can reach, I believe. It is a journey.
I hope to be content. That is my goal. To find a way to live with myself in such a way that allows me not to hate myself all the time. I want to be able to sit down with myself and think without ending in a self-loathing spiral. That'll be a novelty indeed.
"Morning, sunshine." Tifa says. She comes to my side and as though reading my thoughts- puts her hand on my forehead again. Her gentle smiles urges the corners of my mouth up. I told you that her smile is tricky that way.
She brushes her hand against my forehead to push my hair out of my face. An intoxicating motion.
I don't dwell on it, though. I'm so emotionally drained right now that I wouldn't even want to admit being hungry lest it cause undue grief.
You know when you mix colors together and end up with this ugly gray? And no matter how much of one color you'll add, it won't change? I feel that my emotions have reached that gray. I cannot tell one from the other and I have no idea what I feel right now.
"I have a question for you." She says quietly. I think she's whispering, but I can hear her fine. I give her an approach look. She asks,
"Why do you sleep with one hand under the pillow?" Her tone implies that she might know the answer. I will answer it anyway.
"I keep my gun under the pillow when there are no… allies around."
She smiles wider, "Thought so."
After a moment she adds almost cautiously, "Are you all right?"
Let's see:
Catharsis. That's what it's called.
So many fears released in that fateful moment. So much I need to learn.
I feel as though the simple admission of friendship had filled me with the potential of new strength. I feel like I… Well, maybe not take on the world, but more take over a room sized portion of it without fear.
Without fear.
Or at least with the knowledge that should I fall… When I fall… Someone might be there to catch me, or at least point and laugh, which is almost as good.
No, I don't know what I'm going to do now. I have no idea. That still scares me and causes my stomach to knot. But it's not as bad as before.
I feel like a sailor who'd come to the end of the river only to discover that it is not a dead end, but simply a bend in the road and after that bend lays the sea.
The hunger isn't gone, not by a long shot. But at least I know how to feed it now. The hunger is loneliness, the cure: Friendship. Such a small thing. Such a large admission. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know how I didn't get it until now.
Even if I were to lose their friendship in the future, I will have memories with me. Isn't all we have, in the end, right?
I may have lost my life and my time, but I still have the memories, right? The good memories should give you the strength to proceed and the strength to outshine the bad memories. You should never be in a position in which you wish you never had them.
When we are dying and breathing our last breath… All our possessions, our friends, our struggles… In the end the memory of them is all we have.
Change in a one-step-at-a-time process. However, one must be willing to take that first step. That one step that leads to so many others.
One step at a time.
There will be pain, oh, yes, there will be pain.
But I'm willing to face it.
I think… I think…
I'm strong enough.
I think I can face what needs to come.
I'm scared of change, I know. But I think Tifa, Cid and Marlene are important enough to me that I'll be willing to change for them.
I think.
I hope.
I want them to be.
It will take more than a day and most likely even more than a year. Not to mention I have no idea where to start. I want to get over this. I want to feel my lungs with fear and exhale. I want to live with no fear.
No fear.
The sea is vast before me, and I am but a sailor. Their kind words- their friendship- will be the wind in my sails.
One day I will reach the shore and disembark as new man. Perhaps even a man who knows what the future holds. Perhaps I'll never know, but I now understand that the journey is the important part.
At least, I think.
I am not prone to thinking correctly.
I want to learn to change. I want to make myself worthy of their friendship. I want to change so that when they learn to know me, I'll be someone worth knowing. I want to make sure they don't turn away.
I turn towards her. She's still waiting for my reply with this curious tilt of her head. It's been several long moments since she asked. I try smiling. I fail. She gives me this weird look.
"Yes. I am well." I answer. Take it easy, Valentine. One step at a time. Still can't smile without making it into a sarcastic smirk.
It's just what comes out when I try.
She gives me this huge radiant smile then to my surprise she throws her arms around my neck in a hug so tight it's hard to breathe.
"I'm glad." She whispers, "I'm really glad." She pulls back after a long moment. If I'm not blushing right now than I'm not a man at all. This is Tifa we're talking about.
"Ah-" What was I going to say?
She has the most amazing smile, this woman.
Oh, right,
"Tell the… err… person that I apologize for losing my temper."
She chuckles and tells me she will. Then she plays with her belt and her smile wanes a little. There's something on her mind? Is she disappointed with me? My mouth goes dry.
"Listen…" She starts. I not sure I want to hear this. "Cid says he's going to take the Highwind around the world to see what needs to be done." Oh? Where is this going? "I think you should go with him." There it is.
She looks up to meet my eye. She's determined, but cautious. Is she worried about a refusal?
"I'm going to stay here and open that orphanage." She adds. "I think it'll be good for you." Ah. She does not want me to feel like she's kicking me out?
It's ok, Tifa, I understand; this will be a good opportunity for me. A good chance to see the parts of the world I never got to see before. Maybe it'll get some things in perspective.
Maybe I could find out a few things about the people I used to know? I'm not sure if I want to find them. They'll be very old, won't they? I can think of only a handful of people I would actually like to seek out, and only one or two I'd actually like to meet.
I don't want to leave you, Tifa, but I really don't want to go into Midgar right now. I don't think I'll be able to help much, nor will I be able to contain my unreliable emotions before such wanton destruction. I think it might strike too close to home.
"I think you deserve a vacation." She stresses with conviction and a nod. I'm not arguing with you, Tifa. I don't think it's a bad idea. I'm just a little uncertain what steps I should take. I think this is a shaky time for me.
I need to figure out who Vincent Valentine is: Not who he was until now, not who he was as a Turk or a Yakuza boy. Not the animal Hojo made of him or the beast Chaos wants him to be. I need to find Vincent Valentine who lives in the world after Meteor. The Vincent Valentine who was there when the world was about to end and who doesn't mind certain kids. I want to see Vincent being alone without being lonely for perhaps the first time in his life since Her.
Her?
Lucrecia. Lucrecia Crescent who chose another man over me. There, I'm not afraid of you anymore, Lucrecia. I understand why you didn't choose me. Maybe this is the first time I've realized this: You were never mine to sway.
Holy, this isn't my week, is it?
"Well?" She looks concerned. She takes my flesh hand in both of hers. Her hands feel soft and warm. I can feel her nails as they graze my skin.
I repress a sigh. I must fight. I must fight to regain my strength. For my friends, so I'll be able to have friends. So I'll be worthy.
If it won't hurt, I won't learn. I want to learn- I want to grow. If I won't I will die. Evolution, you know.
"Very well. I will go with Cid." Say I.
"That's it? You'll part with us so easily?" She withdraws her hands, a smile behind her eyes.
What? That's not what I meant.
"No."
There's a pause in which she gives me another funny look. I guess need to explain myself again. Get used to it, Vincent.
"I…" What do I want to say? That I would stay here with her if she asked me to? That's highly uncharacteristic of me. I'm sure there are certain expectations people have as to my behavior. "I am loath to part with you."
Why do I sound so stuffy all the time? Am I stupid?
"Oh." She seems mock-disappointed. She turns her back to me. "If that's how it is."
A smile threatens. She uses her most indignant tone when she says,
"Vincent is so cold. Sometimes I wonder if he cares at all. Chocolate is all he likes me for." There's humor in the tone, but I can almost imagine a pinch of actual concern in it.
I want to tell her that I do care.
They've won, I've given in and admitted to myself that I care.
What does she want me to do to show I care? I don't want to do something formal. I want feeling in it. How do I do that? My mother used to say that actions speak louder than words, but I don't have anything I can offer her. There's no token of friendship I can give her, nor do I have any powerful words. There's only one thing that is mine that I can give these days.
I want to say it, and I will.
"Tifa." I need to do this carefully. I need to do this one thing- if nothing else in my life- right. I want to do this right.
She turns to me with a curious look, her arms crossed over her chest. She makes a little 'hmm?' sound so that I might continue.
I take in a breath. No, not good enough. I know I'm messed up, so let's do this in some sort of overly-complicated way that'll give me the courage to say something as simple as 'I care about you'.
To care is to show weakness, but I will trust all my vulnerability to your heart. I know that with you the cracks in my soul can turn into strengths. I know you will not throw it in my face.
I trust you.
Don't just think it; say it!
I steady myself and steady my breath.
"I promise you this:" No, standing isn't good enough.
I kneel at her feet.
She looks very surprised. The fading sunlight from the window is giving her a halo of light where it meets her hair.
Don't dwell on it, look down and just say it.
"I promise that if you are ever in trouble, I will come. I swear. It doesn't matter where I am. I will come for you if you need me."
I'm saying I'm your friend. Even if Cloud left you'll have a protector. I'm saying I'll try and protect you because I want to. Because I respect your decisions and I'll stand by your side no matter what you decide to do. I'm saying I care. I'm just too backwards to say it, Tifa.
Sorry.
I dare to look up at her and I can't breath. That smile is out of this world.
Did I just make her smile like that? I'm a lucky bastard, to be at the receiving end of this light.
Did… did I do well? Is this smile saying I conveyed the message? It's not a mocking smile, is it?
Couldn't be.
Even the sun pales before this radiance.
I have to do things my way, and my way is stupid and convoluted.
'Cut me some slack' as I heard Cid say.
That smile will be burnt into my memory as if with a brand. Whatever happens in the future, I know that this smile was for me and because of me. Have you ever felt anything so sweet?
I've made my friend smile. I put a little mental checkmark by the list of things I need to remember about friends.
Smiling is good. Check.
She leans towards me, as I am still on one knee before her and carefully, slowly, she reaches for me. I don't move and I try not to tense. Is she going to smack me upside the head for being silly as I've seen her do to Cid on occasion?
No, instead she places warm, sublime hands on the top of my head and stoops to plant a simple kiss on my forehead.
She smells like courage. I don't know how, but she does. Really.
…
There were a few long moments just now where I could not think a thing.
She's smiling brilliantly as she says,
"I know you'll be back, and I accept your promise."
…
Holy, even chocolate doesn't feel this good.
…
"F-ck Vincent," Cid breaks the moment, looking all groggy, "Can't you do anything without being so damn melodramatic?"
Tifa then smacks him upside the head. He swears a blue streak.
There might not be a lot of light outside, but there's plenty inside.
I'm not alone.
For a moment…
I'm content.
...
I think… That's it.
I don't think there's going to be an epilogue.
But I do have a bunch of things to talk about here, for all those who've been following the story from the beginning, for those who are lurking and for those who might read it in the future.
For those who've been with me from the start and those who joined half-way through:
Thank you.
I started this little endeavor scared and lacking in confidence. I was certain I've lost my touch and my style and thought I should never write again. You helped me realize that just because my style changed didn't mean it was gone, or that the change was necessarily for the worse.
Looking back on it now I feel that I've grown. From the last time I wrote to the beginning of Dark Outside, as well as from chapter to chapter. Your kindness and your criticism, I feel, helped me grow as a person as well as a writer. Maybe I'm taking this too personally, but this story drew heavily from my emotions, and is very close to my heart.
I tried to approach is as more than a fanfic, I tried to make this into something that can touch people and make them feel and think about their own lives. I don't know if I succeeded, but I know I gave it my best shot at the time I wrote it.
I must admit I'm not entirely pleased with this last chapter. Endings are so difficult, and so are beginning. Without a good beginning people won't continue reading, but a bad ending can spoil an entire good story. Hopefully I've left you all with a good taste in your mouth and a warm feeling I your stomach. A good story is like a good meal- each course needs to have its purpose, and the desert needs to be just right!
This story has gotten more than 300 reviews! I feel truly unworthy. You do me great honor.
As promised; I want to get you all something nice! But I don't know what… I Indigo Angel and a few others wanted a sequel, and Myhi said that fanfic dares are popular these days.
So I'm still thinking what can be a nice treat! I really want to make people happy because over 300 reviews certainly made me happy! Also over 17k in hits (not individual, of course!) makes me a very happy camper… sob thank you so much, people!
I am working on a sequel, regardless, though I can't promise anything regarding when I'll start uploading it, considering I have about one page written so far. The idea for it is still growing and changing, and so far involves glowing juice, an old record player and the mysterious Aleonde.
I expect it to be about as action light as this story is, and just about the same mix of drama/angst/humor with more romance. Let me know if you have any specific preferences.
Now that leads me to my next point; The VinxTifa promise in the beginning turned out a lot more subtle than I expected. I promise that in the sequel they'll actually get together. I just thought it wouldn't be right for them to end up together here because
A: I don't think Vincent's in any condition for commitment of that kind,
B: The whole Tifa and Cloud thing is too much in the way and,
C: It would clash with Advent Children, and I really wanted this to feel like it could fit in the same universe.
Oh, if any of you are in Canada or planning on arriving in August, come see me at the Anime Evolution convention in Vancouver (SFU, specifically)! I'm probably going to go as Vincent, if I can pull the off the costume. So if you see a female, short and silly-looking Vincent, it's probably me. sheepish grin Otherwise I'm probably going to go in my Kenshin shirt, as I always do…
Please let me know what you though and felt throughout the story and through it's conclusion. I hope you enjoyed the ride and I hope to have fulfilled my goal of affecting people.
Much like Vincent; without your help I wouldn't have had the courage to finish this story. In a way Vincent and me have gone down a similar path, though mine isn't as sexy. sweatdrop.
The thank you list (In no particular order): Darknightdesitny, LilTigre, The Tiramisu of Impending Doom, BabyGurl278, DemonSurfer, raggedywings, Sonicron, SilverPurity, Cal reflector, Erialti, darkmagnolia, Mystic Dragon Eyes, Yumesuta, Feather Wolf, Rey de las Ardillas, Mythrand, Tirnam'Bas, Bloody Angel X, ChibiMatchMaker, Scarlet Dewdrops, Storm-chan, Tsuri Kato, Wyntir Rose, Dragon Girl323, Indigo Angel, xLaevateinx, Sesshomaru's Princess, Switchback, Just Jill & Songwind.
Also thanks to all you lurkers who read, and perhaps even enjoyed the story.
There's so much more I want to say, but this is probably getting too long already.
Thank you, everyone, from the bottom of my heart.