Disclaimer: I would be incredibly happy if I owned Final Fantasy. Unfortunately, I don't.
Oh yeah, and don't expect a shred of reason, plot orsanity, because as usual, you ain't gettin' any this time. Hah!
Final Fantasy Online
It all began on a seemingly normal Sunday morning.
Cloud had got up at 10 am; feeling glad not to be at work and getting mobbed by angry customers or rabid fan-girls. He felt relieved to be able to relax at last, and not chasing after worryingly insane potentially-lethal silver-haired men. (Well, not until Monday, at least.) Being careful not to wake Tifa, who was sleeping soundly in the neighbouring room, Cloud went downstairs. He flicked on the radio – changing the station several times to rid himself of that pop music that sounded about as good as Cid's singing voice after a night at the bar – and looked around the room to find something to do.
Cloud's eyes then found the new computer he had set up late last night. The monitor and keyboard were neatly laid out on the desk, untouched. The hard drive was safely inside the PC tower, full of disk space and not yet clogged-up by unwelcome viruses and dodgy downloads. Every computer-obsessed geek's delight.
Cloud - thinking this would be an ideal time to sit and muck up the system with a whole array of completely unnecessary personal settings - smiled and sat down at the desk, switching on the computer. It started up with a highly unwelcoming whirr.
Man, this thing was noisy.
"Cloud!" came Tifa's weary yet notably loud voice from upstairs. "Turn off that blender!"
Cloud frowned. "Huh?"
"You heard me!" she groused. "Turn off the damn blender!"
Cloud bit his lip. "Blender? This is the new computer."
Tifa replied with a terse swearword, and nothing further was said on the subject.
Cloud looked irritably at the front of the empty cardboard box under the desk. The words were there in bold black lettering: Now even quieter than before!
Cloud snorted. Then the old ones must have sounded like a whole army of defective blenders, he thought; logging in and abruptly changing his diminutive little personal icon to the optional one of the grinning yellow rubber duck. The first thing that came to Cloud's mind was a nice long internet-surfing session, topped with plenty of downloads and an extra helping of slightly illegal mp3 tracks.
After a few minutes of searching, Cloud found various sites containing numerous downloads. With that done, Cloud simply sat back and waited for his music player to load. In doing so, he came across a small advertisement at the top right corner of the screen: FF MESSENGER. It's the messenger everybody is using! Socialise! Meet new people! (Or if you already know them, you get to meet them again!) It's your portal to a whole new method of quick, easy communication! Get FF Messenger now – absolutely free!
Before Cloud knew it, Tifa was standing behind him in her pink bathrobe, gazing at the screen.
"Ooh, I've got an account on that!" she said cheerfully. "Why don't you set one up for yourself?"
Cloud raised a sceptical brow. "I'm presuming there's a catch here."
"Not as far as I know." replied Tifa. "It's worked great for me so far. Go on – it's just a bit of fun!"
Thinking resolutely that there wasn't exactly anything to lose, Cloud agreed and downloaded the messenger. While they waited, he turned back to Tifa.
"So what's your username on this thing, then?"
Tifa smiled. "You'll never be able to guess it."
Cloud folded his arms. "Bet I can."
"Naaah, you'll never get it."
"Try me."
Tifa rolled her eyes. "Go on then."
"BiggerBoobsThanYou66?" said Cloud with a grin.
Tifa quickly drew herself up and gasped. "Cloud!"
"Okay, okay…" he mumbled. "NoSiliconeForMe78?"
He then received an abrupt whack on the arm.
"Ouch! That was uncalled for!"
"It was perfectly called for." Tifa retorted, folding her arms defiantly.
"Fine, then you can tell me your username." said Cloud.
Tifa sighed. "You'll find out once you log in. Oh, and your download's finished. I'm going for a shower now."
"Sweet! Can I come?"
Tifa made a noise that resembled a furious animal and exited the room mumbling under her breath, leaving Cloud laughing mischievously to himself. He opened up his newly-downloaded messaging system; creating a profile for himself (Username CloudStrife to make it easy for people to recognize him) and logging in.
Heck, when they said everybody was using this messenger, they meant it… Dozens and dozens of usernames began to list themselves before Cloud's eyes, and soon enough, he couldn't even straightforwardly find the ones he might recognize as some of his friends. But he soon found he needn't have done; for he was then immediately greeted with messages that all appeared in a single window. The record of the conversation was as follows:
KleptoNinja07
Cloud! bt tm u gt ds msngr!
Cloud squinted at the screen.
CloudStrife
Huh?
Tif99
Yuffie, what did we tell you about over-using text talk?
CloudStrife
Ahhh, so THAT'S your username!
Tif99
Yah, and don't even think about repeating the ones you guessed earlier, buster.
CloudStrife
You know I'd never be that cruel! Mwahahaha.
Tif99
V. funny.
- User "BestPilotEver" has just signed in.
BestPilotEver
Ahoy, Cloud! Nice to see ya!
CloudStrife
Hello, Cid. And technically, you can't actually see me.
BestPilotEver
Shattup. I knew that.
KleptoNinja07
Better watch out guys, ya nvr know who's gnna sign in on a Sunday
CloudStrife
Oh, great. What's that supposed to mean?
VValentine
Oh, good morning Cloud. Well, it means that this isn't the only Final Fantasy chronicle that'll be contributing to today's conversation.
CloudStrife
No way! You mean we'll get –
BestPilotEver
Bloody load of wankers, that's what we'll get! Had that kinky bastard Kuja flaming me the other day for no apparent reason
Tif99
Hah, wasn't nearly as bad as that day when me and Barret got lectured until two in the morning by Auron.
GunArm82
THAT was somethin I'd rather forget, man.
- User "SummonerGirlX" has just signed in. -
SummonerGirlX
Hey, who's dissin' us?
Tif99
Weren't dissin' you, Yuna. But you gotta admit Auron does go on a lil bit sometimes
SummonerGirlX
You got a point there.
CloudStrife
Man, this is weird.
KleptoNinja07
'Tis an everyday thing on this mssngr, hun
VValentine
You know, you people have got an allow list.
GunArm82
Yeah, have you forgotten already? When people piss you off, just block em!
BestPilotEver
I knew that.
Tif99
Mine's not working! Oh crap, I'm stuck with Auron!
- User "Hojo" has just signed in. -
Hojo
How sweet. Everyone's found out how to work a computer!
VValentine
I think I'll sign off now.
GunArm82
Aw, stay online, Vince! This head-case ain't got the balls to bother ya!
Hojo
Cretin.
CloudStrife
Yeah, just act like he isn't here.
VValentine
Hmmm.
- User "SHBrother#1" has just signed in –
- User "Yaz00" has just signed in –
CloudStrife
Oh, NO WAY!
SHBrother#1
Thought you had me defeated, huh Strife? Think again! Mwahahaha!
Yaz00
Quit bragging, Kadaj. It's getting boring as hell.
- User "DumbAssButtFacedNoBrains" has just signed in. -
CloudStrife
...WTF!
DumbAssButtFacedNoBrains
Who hacked into my account?
SHBrother#1
Oh, good morning… Loz. Snigger
KleptoNinja07
Uuuhhh… what's the deal with the username?
SHBrother#1
He's finally decided to show us all what he really is!
DumbAssButtFacedNoBrains
You mean YOU have, Kadaj.
SHBrother#1
Well done, my most treasured sibling! Isn't hacking fun?
DumbAssButtFacedNoBrains
Yah, real mature, lil bro. Thanks to you, I gotta go change my whole profile again.
SHBrother#1
Oh, what a shame! Such a waste of energy!
GunArm82
Are we gonna have to put up with these guys bickering at each other all mornin?
VValentine
Not unless we all petition to block them.
User "Masamune701" has just signed in.
Tif99
CRAP! It's him!
Masamune701
Morning, inferiors! Ignore my pathetic clones. Ahh, Cloud… We meet again. I daresay I now have another method of proclaiming my supremacy and utmost hatred towards you! Did I tell you I hate you?
CloudStrife
You might have mentioned it.
Yaz00
I love how you treat us like complete twonks, Sephiroth.
Masamune701
Greetings, pathetic clone! What a coincidence… I love how I treat you like complete twonks too!
CloudStrife
So where are all these other people you guys were telling me about?
VValentine
They're in a different time zone. They'll probably be online later.
BestPilotEver
Yeah, when they've all got their asses outta bed.
CloudStrife
Right, so why is Yuna on here just now?
SummonerGirlX
I got up early. Tidus was snoring.
BestPilotEver
Charming.
- User "WorkSucksRenoRules" has just signed in. -
WorkSucksRenoRules
Hey, we got newbies?
KleptoNinja07
Just 1 today, dude.
WorkSucksRenoRules
Still, it's Cloudy boy! Long time no message, yo!
CloudStrife
Nice to hear from you too, Reno.
Hojo
So Valentine, still here?
VValentine
I could have asked the same of you.
Hojo
How's the arm? Hasn't got rusty, has it? Heh heh heh…
Tif99
Leave him alone, psycho.
BestPilotEver
Yeah, you're getting up my nose already.
Hojo
Oh, it's you. Never liked you much.
BestPilotEver
Could say fucking likewise.
Masamune701
Mmm. So who's going to say something worthwhile?
VValentine
I shall sign off for the time being.
GunArm82
Aw, okay man. Come back online later, right?
VValentine
I may do. Until then, try and be civilised.
KleptoNinja07
Can't guarantee that. See ya later, Vinnie xxx
CloudStrife
Yeah, catch you soon.
User "VValentine" has now signed off. –
CloudStrife
Uh… Yuffie?
KleptoNinja07
Yah?
CloudStrife
Explain the little 'x's? grins
Tif99
She does that when most people sign off.
CloudStrife
Oh right. Cos I thought she might have a thing for "Vinnie," you see. ;-)
KleptoNinja07
Do not!
SHBrother#1
Well isn't this fascinating.
LozIsNotADumbAss
Hah, now you shall never change my username again, Kadaj!
SHBrother#1
LMAO! Now THAT'S a smart name change!
Masamune701
I feel almost ashamed to be in the same DNA category as these boys.
Hojo
You have me to thank for that.
KleptoNinja07
Hojo, you scummy jerk. Go away.
Hojo
I was just getting started, little girl.
CloudStrife
Fantastic.
Masamune701
I dislike Hojo. He always smells like insecticide. Which I can smell from the next room, by the way.
WorkSucksRenoRules
No kidding, dude. What's the deal with that, anyways? Why do crazy-ass scientists always smell like bug spray?
Hojo
At least I don't look like a carrot with a genetic disorder.
WorkSucksRenoRules
Screw you, probe addict!
BestPiotEver
Soooo, what's everyone doing, besides typing?
Yaz00
Uh… not much you really CAN do when you're concentrating on typing.
KleptoNinja07
Unless you can multitask.
Tif99
Like us ladies. ;-)
BestPilotEver
Yeah alright, don't gloat.
WorkSucksRenoRules
That's another good point, yo. Here's a question for Professor Bug-Spray here – why is it that chicks can totally do loadsa things at once and dudes totally can't listen to someone shouting in their ear when they're watching TV?
Hojo
Because slum-drunks like you can't really DO much besides watch TV.
WorkSucksRenoRules
You gonna wish you hadn't said that.
CloudStrife
Soooo, It's 11 am and there's still no sign of those "other" people.
User "KujaTheSuperior45" has just signed in. -
BestPilotEver
…Shit.