I am a sailor with no Ship.
But frankly I don't give a rip.
Harry/Herm is rather boring,
Draco/Ginny leaves me snoring.
Hermi/Ron's a bigger yawn,
A page of Lily/James--I'm gone.
Draco/Herm is just plain silly,
Harry's not with Draco. Really.
Harry/Ginny's not that cute,
Ron and Fleur's completely moot.
Draco/Cho is no no no,
Draco/Ron is just not so.
Hermi/Krum is hum-de-dum,
Harry/Ron is just plain dumb.
Draco/Colin's rather scary,
Cho and Harry will not marry.
Cedric/Cho I might concede,
But how does one romance worm feed?
Fred/George/Harry--very kink.
I'm sure they'd never sleep a wink.
James and Remus is a stretch,
Snape and Lockhart makes me retch.
McGonagall is no one's game,
Lily/Snape's an awful shame.
Potter/Black is out of whack.
I highly doubt they're in the sack.
Despite all the Marauders' fun,
That sort of thing just wasn't done.
Lupin/Snape's a little weird,
And Dumbledore has got that beard.
Lupin/Lily makes me laugh.
But Lupin/Lockhart? Don't be daft.
There's no love lost with Snape and Black.
Perhaps we'll try a different tack.
Remus dating Sirius?
My friend, you've gone delirious.
They're just platonic friends, you know.
I'd sooner grant Hermione/Cho.
And for the record, Granger's looks
Are mostly masked by research books.
The romance of the twins Patil
I'm quite convinced is close to nil.
Peter? Well, I hear he's fat.
And nobody much cares for that.
Piers and Dudley's very wrong.
(I can't see Dudders in a thong.)
Millicent will never sell,
And Flitwick can't be doing well.
Moody'd scare off Hagrid's friends;
His looks just lack romantic ends.
Now here's a pair that's rather rank:
Binns/Professor Grubbly-Plank.
Voldemort has got no class,
Crabbe and Goyle's rather crass.
Not a soul is dating Fudge,
And Bagman's got a little pudge.
Black, if faced with groundskeep Ogg,
Would sooner a Dementor snog.
Snuffles/Ripper? No, that's sick.
He'd sooner Nearly-Headless Nick.
Not a chance of Grunnion/Jigger,
Blotts and Flourish--worth a snigger.
Norris is just Filch's cat.
The "Mrs." doesn't alter that.
But that's enough of being/beast.
I want legal romance, at least.
Bell and Bulstrode? Oh, that's funny.
What's next, Norbert/Easter Bunny?
Hedwig/Pig would just fall flat.
I don't understand the mechanics of that.
Molly Weasley's long been taken,
Fred and George is quite mistaken.
Charlie/Bill? Suffice to say,
The Weasleys just don't swing that way.
Percy/Pansy? Don't be rude.
I don't like Crouch's attitude.
Neither do the women folk,
No takers for that sour bloke.
I've got no taste for Percy/Wood,
Dean and Seamus are no good.
I still think Lucius/James is odd,
Quirrell/Lockhart--save us God.
Dobby/Harry's getting crude,
Davey Gudgeon... who's that dude?
Stan Shunpike and Ernie Prang...
At least they'd go out with a bang.
Trelawney is a little off,
And it's the same with Karkaroff.
No one's going to date those two.
It happens and I'll eat my shoe.
Skeeter/Fleur? Don't speak of that.
Neville/Snape--I'll eat my hat.
If any Ship I've failed to list,
Consider it hereby dismissed.
Let it be known I've had enough
Of schmaltzy Harry Potter fluff.