Excel sat at her desk, waiting for the bell to ring. She already couldn't wait for class to be over.
She stared off into space as she remembered the last thing he said to her... After school, it will happen. His words echoed in her mind.
She was broken out of her reverie by a pair of arms wrapping around her from behind in a loving gesture. Excel sighed and leaned back, knowing that only one person would do such a thing.
The figure leaned forward to whisper to Excel. "Are you ready?"
Excel turned to look at him. "Yes, I am."
He nodded. "Then I, Koshi Rikdo, give permission to turn the Excel Saga Anime into a Lemon fanfic."
Excel was startled by the door bursting open at that moment. "I DO NO SUCH THING!" Another Koshi Rikdo said, still trying to untie himself from a mass of tentacles.
"You're so stubborn." The first Koshi Rikdo said. "But no matter, I'm the one with this."
He pulled out the red rubber stamp with Rikdo's seal on it. "Nooooooooooo!" The second Koshi Rikdo was able to exclaim before being dragged out the door by the tentacles.
The first Rikdo smiled warmly at Excel before stamping the seal on her desk.
---
---Excel Saga Opening Credits---
---
"Hail, Ilpalla--"
"--zzo!"
"The world is corrupt!" Ilpallazzo began. "The state of moral decay in this city is beyond anything anyone could have imagined!"
"What aspect of this corruption are we to be dealing with today, sir?" Hyatt asked.
Ilpalazzo only said one word further. "Lechery."
"Lechery!" Excel echoed, beginning her usual counter-speech. "The lowest of the low! The most perverted of the perverted! Men and women succumbing to their desires over and over again, thinking of nothing else! In an ideal society there is no place for the wanton lust that exists so continually!"
"Precisely. That is why I want you to go out and... and..." Ilpallazzo began to visually tremble.
"Lord Ilpallazzo? What is wrong?" Hyatt asked.
"I... I CAN'T SAY IT!"
"Whoa, hold everything."
A man with flaming red hair in a lab coat walked forward. "What do you mean, you can't say it? There isn't any word above four syllables in the line!"
"This contradicts everything I just said about moral decay! I can't just refute my own ideals like that!"
"I'm sure you could, given enough... encouragement."
The man took out a bow from seemingly nowhere and notched an arrow with a heart-shaped arrowhead dripping with a translucent pink fluid. "No! Not the pink one! Fine! I'll say it!" Ilpalazzo said, having begun to panic as soon as he caught sight of the arrow.
"Thank you." The man put the arrow and bow back into his pocket dimension and walked off the margin.
"Damn author..." Ilpallazzo mumbled, then jumped as an arrow imbedded itself in the chair just above his head. "Sorry! Sorry!"
Excel and Hyatt just stood there, struck just a little bit dumbfounded and blinking rapidly in confusion. "Never mind him, he's just the author."
Excel and Hyatt both nodded in vague understanding. "Ah."
"Now. It seems to contradict everything I just said, but to rid this city of such lechery you are to find and eradicate the most perverted of the ignorant masses."
"Hai! Destroy the perverted and the horny! But... how are we to find those most depraved individuals?"
Ilpallazzo heaved a heavy sigh as he said the line he would have rather avoided. "By any means necessary."
Hyatt blinked once before beginning to blush. "Oh my. No wonder you were so reluctant to tell us."
"Exactly. Now go."
Both girls again saluted their commander. "Hail, Ilpallazzo!"
Excel suddenly found the ground rushing up to and past her eyes as she fell through the trap door. "But I didn't do anything this tiiiiiiiiiiime!"
"Tradition." Ilpalazzo replied to Hyatt's curious look.
---
"How are we gonna figure out where all the perverts are in this city, Hatchan?" Excel sighed, staring up at the ceiling from her spot on her futon. "Everything we're looking for is going to be in private anyway."
"There is one place we can start..." Hyatt began, reading the TV guide and reaching for the remote.
"What's that?" Excel said, turning her head to look at the delicate girl. "Hey, when did we get a TV?" She added to herself.
"The..." Hyatt started before her hand started to visibly shake. "The..."
Hyatt coughed violently once before slumping to the floor, her head landing on the TV guide. "Hatchan? Hatchan!" Excel said, getting up and checking Hyatt for a pulse. "Do you always have to die when the plot is supposed to be developing?"
"I am sorry, Senior." Hyatt said, coming back to life and sitting up again.
She brought out her handkerchief and wiped the trickle of blood from the corner of her mouth, producing an odd squeaking noise. "Why does that sound like that?" Excel wondered out loud.
"I believe it is the phenomenon known as the Comedic Effect."
"Oh. Well, enough about that. What channel were you looking for?"
Hyatt glanced at the TV guide. "Oh dear, it seems I've ruined the page." She tried to wipe off the small pool of blood from the paper but it just ended up smudging the text and making everything completely unreadable. "I am sorry, Senior. I cannot remember the channel number either."
"Well, that doesn't matter. Where did you want to start looking for lecherous people?"
"There is an anime and manga convention happening tomorrow."
"Manga! The original enemy of ACROSS!" Excel said, jumping to her feet. "We shall go there and purge all the sickos from this city!"
"That is all well and good, senior... but how are we going to find it?"
"I don't know... Oh, I know, we could go out and look for an ad for it! There's bound to be one somewhere."
"That is a good idea." Hyatt said, getting to her feet and following Excel out the door.
---
"You look ridiculous in that thing."
"Shut up!"
Iwata did so, but continued to smirk. "Besides, what do you care, you're not even going to this convention." Watanabe said, still looking over his cosplay costume to see if he missed a detail.
"Sure, but that doesn't mean I can't try and talk you out of looking like a fool."
"And what exactly is it about cosplaying as Ryoji Kaji that makes me look like a fool?"
"The cosplaying part. And the Ryoji Kaji part."
The two of you can never find something intelligent to argue about. Sumiyoshi said, watching the TV show rattling off various pieces of information about the convention... though you could also make a case that he wrote it instead.
As usual, both Watanabe and Iwata ignored the crack. "Fine, I'm done arguing with you. I'm going out to get some supplies for dinner." Watanabe walked to the door.
"In that?" Iwata asked, already internally debating on whether to try and beat some sense into Watanabe or simply laugh as hard as he could at him.
"I may as well get used to it." Watanabe said over his shoulder as he walked out the door.
He had not taken two steps before he saw Hyatt and Excel walk out of the apartment. "Oh, hello, Watanabe."
"Uh-- ah, hello, Hyatt." Watanabe stammered.
Excel had already gone into her "walk blindly and make up a song" mode and was already down the stairs. "Are you well? You look disheveled."
"What-- Oh, yes. It's part of a costume."
"A costume? For what?"
"There's an anime convention happening tomorrow and I'm cosplaying as a character from the anime Neon Genesis Evangelion."
"The anime convention? Oh, I had wanted to go but I could not find out where it is being held at."
"Oh, well, if you'd like to go with me..."
"I would appreciate that very much, Watanabe. Thank you."
"Y-you're welcome." Watanabe said. "See you tomorrow." He said, walking down the stairs to the sidewalk.
"Good, Senior and I can get to the convention now..." Hyatt blinked as she realized that Excel had not waited for her. "Senior Excel?" She said, looking around for any sign of the girl.
---
"Going to find a convention... killing perverted manga freaks... rid the world of sin..." Excel sang out loud as she walked in a random direction.
She stopped in place as she noticed a small pink-haired girl staring up at her. "Oh, hello Cosette!" Excel exclaimed. "How have you been? I haven't seen you since Episode 8!"
"I'm okay." Cosette said, seeming a little downcast.
"What's wrong?" Excel asked. "You're normally so cheerful!"
"Oh, I always get like this around Mother's day."
"Oh, I forgot about that. Are you going to be alright?"
"Yeah... it's just... mother..." Cosette began to choke up, then without warning ran away into an alley crying.
"Wait, Cosette!" Excel said, running after the small girl.
Excel stopped about halfway into the alleyway, which turned out to be a dead-end, when she saw no sign of Cosette. "Where did she go? Cosette? Cosette?" Excel began to call out.
"Hmm, maybe she found a way to get somewhere else..." Excel said, turning to walk out of the alleyway.
She stopped as she heard suspenseful music play from seemingly nowhere. "Uh-oh. Normally when that music plays, something bad is about to--"
She didn't get another word out before the tentacles struck.
"Senior? Senior?" Hyatt called out as loud as she could manage as she walked towards the alleyway, trying to find her superior.
She stopped when she noticed the strip of light green cloth on the ground. "This looks like part of Senior's uniform..."
Hyatt became somewhat confused. Why would Excel have taken her uniform off in the middle of the street? Looking around further, Hyatt could see no sign of Excel or the uniform. "I should report this to Lord Ilpalazzo..."
---
"I see." Ilpalazzo said as he mulled over Hyatt's words. "Do you see any problem in carrying out your plan without Excel?"
"More personnel would be helpful but I can carry out this mission on my own if I must."
"Good. If there is some sort of counter-operation, do not let it stand in the way of your mission. Exercise extreme caution when carrying out this plan. You may need a disguise of some sort."
"Yes, Lord Ilpalazzo."
Hyatt turned and walked out of the commander's room. Ilpalazzo counted to five before speaking again. "What have you done to her, Raynor?"
The man with red hair walked out once again from the Margins. "You won't want to hear it." He replied.
"Lovely." Ilpalazzo said dryly. "At least she'll be out of Hyatt's hair for this mission."
"Most of it, yes." He said before walking off again.
Ilpalazzo again waited five seconds before even daring to think. Damn you, Raynor... bring all the characters back just for your one-shot. How did the Will of the Microcosm allow this?
---
How did this happen? The Great Will of the Microcosm thought to herself as she lay bound in her viewing room where she watched for the need to reset things when necessary.
"I happened, remember?" A being that looked like the Will of the Macrocosm herself -- only with a green-tinted galaxy as a body and male arms -- replied, startling the Will of the Macrocosm.
"Who are you? You haven't even said anything before you got here."
"I am the Supreme Will of the Author."
"...Hell." The Will of the Microcosm cursed.
---
---Excel Saga---
---
Excel slowly awoke, trying to regain her bearings. "What happened? I was trying to find Cosette, and then..."
She looked around. She was in what looked to be an abandoned storage shed somewhere. "I'm in a storage shed, the door's padlocked so tight I can see them from here, and there doesn't appear to be anything but a few boxes some large things could hide behind."
Excel blinked as a draft blew past her. She looked down and realized her state of undress. "Gaah! When did that happen? I was fully clothed when I walked out the door today and now I've got nothing on! What happened? Was I in a fire that touched only my clothing? Was I--"
"Do me a favour, shut her up." A voice said from behind the boxes.
"With pleasure. So to speak." A second voice replied.
"--What am I going to do? I'm stuck here with no clothing and no way to get out? And--" Excel froze in her tracks when she saw movement. "W-w-w-who's there?" She said, suddenly terrified of the being.
The figure, cloaked in shadow, walked towards her. It got five or six steps out before coming into the light from a lone skylight in the roof. "Puchu?" A Puchu asked as it walked towards Excel.
"It's one of these things? Oh good, I thought you were some big powerful tentacle monster coming to ravish my nubile body in every orifice--"
The Puchu had had enough of Excel's speaking and seemed to explode, growing outwards in a fraction of a second to leave behind a massive tentacle beast.
"How did it fit itself into that tiny body? Or rather, AHHHHHHH!" Excel screamed as the monster launched itself at her.
---
"And you said I looked ridiculous."
Watanabe couldn't help but stare somewhat at the tuxedo-clad form of Iwata, sitting in front of him in Sumiyoshi's car. "Yeah, but I can pull off this character. You just look like you slept in a dumpster."
You both look like fools. Sumiyoshi commented.
"I notice you have reserved judgement on Miss Katsuragi." Iwata said crossly.
She actually looks like her character.
"After some deliberation I thought this would make an appropriate... costume." Hyatt, decked out in Misato's trademark red jacket and black skirt, interjected.
"You l-look good in it." Watanabe managed to say without stuttering too much.
"Thank you."
At any rate, weren't you staying home? Sumiyoshi asked Iwata.
"I changed my mind." Iwata said.
Why?
A white car flew out from behind Sumiyoshi's and passed him. The occupants of the car could see a flash of magenta hair as the car continued to weave in and out of traffic.
"Oh."said Watanabe and Sumiyoshi.
---
"Oh, this feels so good though I should not be enjoying this after all! Ah, but it feels so nice that I cannot help it!" Excel said as the liquid washed over her.
"At least they take good care of me here." Excel said as she continued to receive a massage from the jets of water in the hot tub she was in. "And for those of you who thought I was elsewhere, shame on you."
Excel sighed as she let the water work out the various kinks and muscle stiffness she received. "I wonder why they're treating me so well, especially considering what they did to me to put me in need of such treatment." Excel said, making a face at the memory of what had happened a few short hours ago. "Ah well, may as well enjoy it while I'm here."
Excel blinked as the door to the spa room opened and a man walked in. He wore a blue suit and had short blond hair. "I see you're resting well." The man said smoothly.
"Yes, I am, thank you. And who are you? I haven't seen any human men since I got here."
"To pronounce my name, you'd have to have more vocal cords than you currently posess."
"Try me."
The man raised an eyebrow, then sounded a series of guttural three-tone sounds that could have almost passed for music had they not been horribly out-of-key. Excel tried to recreate the sound, but only ended up twisting her tongue into a knot. "Told you." The man, whose name ends up looking like "!t'?&v" when romanised, said as Excel attempted to untie the various knots that had formed in her tongue.
"Tho vath do yoo vanth?" Excel mumbled around her tongue.
"I have plans for you, Excel... very big plans. You see, your ideological organization, ACROSS, and the small defense force the city has founded, are the only entities that stand any chance of stopping us. But without you and your beloved Hatchan, ACROSS is woefully understaffed, and without Miyaki, the City Security Force will end up destroying themselves. So, by turning you against your Lord Ilpalazzo and Hatchan, we can ensure our prosperity for a very long time."
"How do you know about Lord Ilpalazzo and Hatchan?" Excel asked, having finally untangled her tongue.
"It seems you kept switching fantasies once you began disassociating your mind and really started to enjoy your torture... You called out Hatchan's name on the second, fifth and seventh time and Ilpalazzo's on the first, third and fifth."
"What about the fourth?"
"Someone named Nabeshin."
Excel blinked. "At any rate... It's time to convert you to our side..."
Excel didn't even have any time to scream before !t'?&v had literally leaped out of his human form and into the hot tub.
---
We're here. Sumiyoshi said as the foursome got out of the car.
"This place looks empty for a convention." Watanabe commented. "Are you sure we're in the right place?"
"So the legends are true..." Iwata said distantly.
"What legends?"
"There is a tale of a group of beasts that attacked a convention on this very spot 1000 years ago, and every 1000 years before that. They move in and have their way with every nubile female they can find until one dies, which seals them back into their demiplane for another millenium." Iwata replied, still staring off into space.
"That's the dumbest legend I've ever heard of." A voice said from behind them.
They turned and saw that Miyaki was standing there, dressed in a green sailor fuku. "Hello, Miyaki." Iwata said. "And it is not dumb. It's even in the disclaimer for the convention."
Iwata handed Miyaki a brochure and pointed out a section in the fine print. Sure enough, "Caution: May be attacked and/or raped if young and female by tentacle monsters" was written there. "And where did you hear this joke of a legend?"
"Well, it's obvious that's what the disclaimer is referring to."
If I were you, I'd back up a step. Sumiyoshi said to Hyatt as both he and Watanabe took a large step back.
"He's not worth it yet." Miyaki said to the group of three backing out of her immediate wrath-radius. "Getting there, though."
Hyatt turned to Sumiyoshi. "Thank you for the ride. And thank you for offering." She added to Watanabe.
No problem. Sumiyoshi replied.
"You're welcome... hey, wait, where're you going?" Watanabe said as Hyatt turned to walk off.
"I have important things to attend to. And I need to find my friend."
"...I could help you find your friend."
Hyatt blinked. "Thank you."
Watanabe walked off with Hyatt. I guess it's just you and me, Iwata... Sumiyoshi said, then turned and looked to see that Iwata had already deserted him to follow Miyaki. Sighing, Sumiyoshi walked to the convention alone.
---
"What are you doing?" Miyaki asked as she irritatedly watched Iwata fall into step beside her.
"I thought the two of us could go through this convention together." Iwata said with his trademark smirk.
"So be it." Miyaki said.
Iwata blinked. Yes! Today is my lucky day! He thought as he almost bounced alongside the object of his one-sided affections. "So, what were you thinking on going to first?"
"Oh, I don't know." Miyaki said in a somewhat cheerful mood. "I thought I'd check out over there."
"Over wh..." Iwata said, following Miyaki's finger to a smallish booth off in a corner. "The yaoi!"
"Sure. I'm sure you could pick up something you'd like. You might even find a bishie to take you home with him."
"N-no thanks." Iwata said, thoroughly embarrassed by the implication.
"Suit yourself." Miyaki said and walked off.
"Grrr... Fine. Let's see if I can find Sumiyoshi..." Iwata said, picking a direction and beginning to wander.
---
Miyaki watched Iwata go and breathed a sigh of relief. The head of the Department of City Security had given her a mission for her and her alone, and she didn't need anyone hanging around and screwing it up.
He said there could be an attack by something here... Miyaki thought as she checked her breast pocket. Her gun was still there, of course. "You do not have to allow the others to participate in the mission if you do not wish to." Kabapu's words echoed in her mind. I don't need anyone to complete this mission. She began to wander aimlessly.
Miyaki began to watch Watanabe and Hyatt, walking and talking aimlessly. She narrowed her eyes and began to focus on the purple-haired girl. You are not what you seem...
Hyatt looked around confusedly as she felt like someone was watching her. She stopped when she saw Miyaki attempting to bore holes into her with her eyes. "Have you spotted your friend?"
It took Hyatt a second to reply. "No... your friend doesn't seem to like me very much."
Watanabe followed Hyatt's gaze to Miyuki. "Oh. She's not very trusting to begin with. I wouldn't worry about her."
"If you say so, Watanabe."
"So where did you see your friend last?" Watanabe asked.
"Just before I met with you yesterday." Hyatt replied, beginning to scan the crowd for any sign of Excel. "You should know what she looks like, I am her roommate."
"Oh, her." Watanabe began to look for blotches of orange hair.
The lights in the convention dropped out and the doors closed, leaving the convention hall nearly pitch-black. "What's happening?" Hyatt asked, not really expecting a response.
"I don't know, I didn't hear any mention of an event like this."
A spotlight turned on with a loud clank. "Senior!" Hyatt said, recognizing Excel.
"Yes, it is me." Excel said, walking slowly and somewhat seductively towards Hyatt.
Hyatt noticed Excel's shift in demeanor instantly. "Senior? What is wrong?" She asked.
"Nothing is wrong, my dear hatchan..." Excel said, still sashaying towards her inferior officer.
"Hatchan? Her name is Ayasugi, isn't--" Watanabe began before being belted halfway across the convention by Excel, bouncing off a wall and slumping to the ground.
"He won't remember that." Excel reassured Hyatt.
"Who are you?" Hyatt said, becoming more and more afraid with each passing second.
"I am Excel." Excel replied, and drew Hyatt into a close embrace. "And you are mine."
Excel seemed to explode around Hyatt, her skin rupturing and her body turning into a dark green mass which quickly sprouted many tentacles. The tentacles began ripping at Hyatt's clothing until she was completely nude, then held her up above the ground. "Surrender yourself to me..." The monster, still sounding vaguely like Excel, said.
"N-no..." Hyatt said.
"One way or another, you will be mine." The monster said before moving its tentacles around into Tentacle Pleasure Position #4, wrapping two of the appendages around Hyatt's breasts and a third rubbing against Hyatt's sheath.
Hyatt squeaked aloud at the somewhat rough treatment, and was about to voice another protest when she froze. After coughing violently once, she went completely supine. "What! Nooooooooooo!" The monster said as a light began to form inside of it. "Whyyyyyyyy!"
At once, lights began to form all around the convention as other tentacle monsters that had deployed in the background to attack the rest of the convention had begun to be recalled into their demiplane. "I was so clooooooooooose!" The tentacle monster said as it looked like it was yanked through the floor, the rest of the group of monsters following suit.
Hyatt resurrected herself a second later, wiping her mouth with that odd squeaking noise once again. "Oh, I seem to have died again..."
Hyatt paused when she saw the nude form of Excel lying on the ground in front of her. "Senior?" Hyatt asked, shaking Excel gently to try and wake her up. "Senior?"
Excel awoke slowly. "Hatchan... you... did it..." She said weakly.
"What did I do?"
"You... sent them back..."
"Oh." A pause, then: "Too bad, I was starting to enjoy that."
Excel chuckled. "I'm sure you'll find a suitable alternative."
"Possibly." Hyatt said, getting to her feet. "Senior?"
"Yes, Hatchan?"
"How are we going to get out of here without clothes?"
At once, the lights turned on again. Excel panicked, grabbed Hyatt and ran as fast as she could.
---
Excel giggled as she stared up at the ceiling, still in somewhat of a pleasure-filled haze. "Ah, I see the Author has taken the lesbian points of Episodes 16 and 26 a bit seriously..." She said as she got her bearings.
Hyatt had already curled up into a ball and snuggled close to Excel's right side. "That's not such a bad thing." She purred, draping an arm over Excel's nude stomach.
"No, I guess not."
Excel and Hyatt could both clearly hear the sound of a large crowd running on the street. "The lemon scene's in the omake! I sweeeeear!" The red-haired Author could be heard exclaiming as he was chased by a horde of angry fanboys.
---
Excel Saga Episode 27: The Thousand Year Old Tentacle Beasts And The Anime Convention Of Doom
Today's experiment. . . . .Failed
---
"Excel here on the Experimental Fanfic Excel Saga! The Author has promised that he will write extensive omakes and do his best to pander to the desperate fanboys he wrote this fanfic to appease in the first place! Such lasciviousness! Such lechery! Such pervertedness! Such is life in fanfiction! Tune in next time for Excel Saga 27 1/2: The Thousand Year Old Tentacle Beasts And The Anime Convention Of Doom Omake!"