A River Runs Through It, a firefly fanfic

Blackheart ZERO presents, "A River Runs Through It Chapter 1: (Mind) Reading is Fundamental!"

Disclaimer: If I were you, and you were me, and you were also Joss Whedon, and since due to the aforementioned I would be Joss Whedon, I would own Firefly (Or something). But that isn't the case, so I don't own anything. My head hurts. It's gonna be a loooooong story…

Note(s): First I must warn that my humor has been called: "stupid", "appealing ONLY to the lowest of the common denominators", and "the scatterbrained rantings of a pitiless guttersnipe". Second, this is my first story in regular story format(Previously wrote in script style), so there will be more dialogue rather than descriptions of places and sunsets and those pathetic, hyoo-mahn emotions such as love. Third if I haven't scared away everyone just yet, this particular story takes place after Serenity, so spoilers ahoy!

AND NOW, OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION-

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The brave warrior looked over the vast terrain. He sensed the danger in the air, and also knew an enemy attack was imminent. He called out to whoever was stalking him. "Show yourself, coward!"

"I see you are not as stupid as you look…" came a growl from the hero's left.

"Ah, my old arch-enemy, Dr. Babyeater…" The hero got into his fighting stance, and deftly parried the nefarious Dr. Babyeater's blow.

"You can't win, fool. I have grown in strength since our last encounter!" The villain cackled.

The hero only smiled. "Ah, but so have I."

"Shit! I didn't think about that!" The evildoer's once stalwart courage crumbled upon this new information.

"Now, I think it's time for the bad doctor to get a house call…of pain! Fire breath!" Jets of napalm shot from the hero's mouth, and set the villain aflame.

"Grah! How did you know that my only weakness was being set on fire?" The villain's dying words were-

"RIVER!"

River snapped out of her imagination and turned to face Captain Malcolm Reynolds.

"Wanna tell me why the exploits of Wash's brontosaurus takes priority over flying my ship?" Mal said in an annoyed tone.

River set the dinosaur toys- a brontosaurus and the T-Rex(Formerly Dr. Babyeater) back on the console. She was embarrassed, and not without good reason- after all, the genius psychic (who single-handedly killed a whole group of bloodthirsty-slash-horny Reavers, no less) was now caught playing with plastic dinosaurs. "Sorry." She refused eye-contact, much like a child who was caught doing something wrong.

"Eh, it's not that bad. As long as there's nothing ominous on the horizon…"

Silence.

"You want me to check?" River said.

"Would you?" As Mal said this, though, the ship experienced some slight rocking. Mal sighed. "You see, stuff like this is why you always need to be aware of what's going on. What's the second rule of flying?"

"…No touching guns?"

"I really hope you're just messing with me. Seriously though."

"If there's a sock on the doorknob, don't come in?"

"Ok, you ARE messing with me. Just focus on flying steady, little albatross. I'm gonna find out what that thing that hit us was."

Mal entered the common area, where most of the crew was. "Ok", he said. "Who wants to go on a little space walk? I want to know what just hit us."

"I'll go. I mean, the ship might need fixin' if it was somethin' big." Kaylee offered.

"What if she needs help?" Simon asked hopefully.

"No, knowing you two, you'll just have an awkward romantic moment and end up not getting anything done. Jayne!" Mal caught the attention of the big merc, who was currently enjoying a magazine about large guns and the sexy, scantily-clad women who were wielding them. "Go with her."

"Yeah, yeah." Jayne set down his magazine and had a look of 'I always end up doing this' on his face.

Back in the cockpit, River noticed a strange disturbance fast approaching. "Captain…" she began, "I think you should come see this…" Mal quickly entered, because if your pilot sounds unwary about something, what would you do? First, you'd soil yourself, because you'd be freaking out at actually having to do something as captain. "I thought it was just a figurative title", you'd say, "I don't want the pressure of making a life-or-death decision!" But Mal is both an accomplished captain and a man with no time to soil himself, so he is willing to give advice as his new pilot needs it. Watch now, his masterful and articulate way of showing he's there and is acknowledging her request…

"Yeah?" He replied. Brilliantly done, Malcolm Reynolds.

"There's an unusual electrical disturbance coming this way. I'm altering our trajectory, but it's coming so fast we'll get hit by part of it."

"Oh, just shiny." Mal said in his trademarked sarcastic style(Seriously, it's trademarked. I owe Nathan Fillion 2.50 now). "Wait! I've gotta get Kaylee and Jayne back in here!"

In space, on the upper part of the ship(Can there be an upper part in zero-G? A true conundrum, but I'm going to say yes) the two space-walkers noticed a small object. Jayne, being closer, moved toward it first. "What is it? Is there any damage to the ship?" Kaylee asked on the radio.

"Looks like no damage. As for this thing…" Jayne picked it up, looked at it, and repeated, shocked, what it read. "A plot device?"

"Kaylee! Jayne! You've gotta get back in the ship!" Mal radioed in.

"Yessir, Cap'n. C'mon Jayne." Kaylee answered and the two begin moving back to get in the ship. But! (Dramatic music kicks in) A stray cloud of the disturbance floated over and passed through Jayne! OH SNAP!

"Yeeeaaaaarrrrgggghhhh!"

"Jayne? Oh my God! Jayne? JAAAAAAAYYYYYNNNNNEEEE!" (Metal Gear Solid Game Over Music)

Take my love

Take my land

Take me where I cannot stand

Jayne sees himself as a young boy, in one his mother's famous knit wool caps, playing with his dog.

I don't care

I'm still free

You can't take the sky from me

Jayne sees himself when he first became a mercenary, giving up his dream as a Mexican Wrestler named "El Muerte Pantalones".

Take me out

To the black

Tell them I ain't comin' back

There is a large black screen reading SCENE MISSING.

Burn the land

An' boil the sea

You can't take the sky from me.

Jayne sees himself doing his most famous heist-gone-bad, the robbery that made him the Hero of Canton.

(Violin solo)

Jayne sees himself trying to play the violin and failing.

There's no place

I can be

Since I found Serenity

Jayne sees himself acting out some of his favorite scenes from movies.

But you can't take the sky from me

Jayne sees himself as a young boy, playing Duke Nukem Forever, as it had just come out. I know, a long way to stretch for a Duke Nukem joke, but hey, it's my story.

"Is he alive?"

"Yes. All vital functions are normal. Actually-"

"What do you mean, "actually", Doc?"

"He almost seems to be functioning better than normal. His blood pressure's down, his brain is showing an amazing amount of activity, and when he was unconscious, he didn't look angry for once."

Voices. Jayne could hear them, all right. He opened his eyes and looked around. But there was something odd…

"He's come to." It was Simon. But afterwards, Jayne swore he heard the elder Tam add on, "the big dumb oaf".

"Hey, what'd you say, Doc?" Jayne felt angry, despite his sedation.

"I said you've come to."

"No, after that." Jayne was fighting confusion. Was it his imagination?

"I didn't say anything after that."

"Yeah, he didn't. I was right here and everything." Kaylee added. But then she said quietly, "What's wrong with Jayne?"

"Mal? Did you hear her say that?" Jayne thought he was going crazy. "Am I goin' crazy?" Well, you have to hand it to the man- he says what he thinks.

"She just said how she was right there with Simon. And for once, I might add, they put their tongue-wrestlin' aside and did some real work around here."

"Must the captain embarrass me like this?" Simon said, or, he might have said, and looked at the floor.

Jayne waited for the captain's reaction. Normally any questions/comments like that prompted further teasing, but nothing came out of Mal's mouth. Suddenly, it dawned on Jayne. "Oh my God… I'm in the infirmary!" Then, something else dawned on him. "And also I can read minds!"

Everyone present stared in disbelief. River poked her head through the door. "What?"

"Another psychic?" Thought Simon. "This is clearly NOT the time to start thinking about my small penis!"

"Another psychic?" Thought Kaylee. "This is clearly NOT the time to start thinking about Simon's gigantic penis!

"Another psychic?" Thought Mal. "This is clearly NOT the time to start thinking about Kaylee, who is, in turn, thinking about Simon's possibly medium sized penis!"

"Another psychic?" Thought Zoe. "This is clearly NOT the time to start thinking about…wait a minute; I'm not falling for that one…"

"Another psychic?" Yelled River. "That's not fair! I was psychic from birth, and had to put up with a lot of things being done to me, and he gets it from some magical space laser? I'll be in my bunk!" She angrily left the room.

"Gorrammit Jayne, you can't upset her like that! Ever since the Miranda incident, she's been getting better, but you will not ruin her progress by also being a psychic!" Simon's fury lead to one of his rare uses of curse words, and keep in mind, that's what he said. If I were to write what he thought(and indeed, what Jayne heard more of) I would be shunned from society due to my excessive use of four and twelve letter words(Well, twelve meaning two six letter words used in tandem, anyway).

"What? It's not my fault! You heard her, it was that crazy space gas!" Jayne got up and started to move threateningly towards Simon, who refused to back down.

Mal stepped in between them. "Well, sorry to go between you guys, but with my pilot angry, I have to take the helm. C'mon Zoe." The captain and his first mate left the room, leaving Jayne and Simon to squabble.

"You think everything will be all right?" Zoe asked as Mal sat down.

"Sure. This crew always bounces back from the very weird situations we get put in. Remember that time we played football against Badger?" Mal said.

Mal's flashback- Mal, Zoe, Jayne, Wash, and the Shepherd are decked out in shoulder pads and helmets, and throwing a football around. Badger's team came in wearing shorts and jerseys that say "Badger's Wildebeests" on the back, and they kicked a soccer ball. Both teams looked at each other and laughed at their misinterpretation stemming from the differences between English and English-English. Then Simon came out in a tennis outfit and yelled "Jayne, why'd you have to lie to me about what we were doing!" and everyone laughed. EXCEPT SIMON.

"Sir, that wasn't really what happ-" Zoe began.

"Yeah, we pulled outta that one pretty easy. Oh wait, we have a job offer." Mal looked up who made the deal(A habit of not wanting to fall into Alliance traps) and gasped aloud. "It's Jules! That old bastard's still alive?"

"Sir, as we'll see quite soon, I know who Jules is. But, being that he is a non-canon, author-created-character, could you please explain his significance?

"Sure. Get Simon and Kaylee here, though. They're goin' on the job with us, so they should know."

"Wait, they are? What will we do about our two Readers, then?"

"See, this head isn't just for giving my neck some shade. It also houses a brilliant brain! If we leave them alone here together, they'll just have to get along!"

"…I think I saw this exact same thing happen on some old TV show." Zoe said in monotone.

"Yeah, and it worked there, didn't it? Ah, Simon and Kaylee, there you are."

"Yeah, Jayne said you wanted us here for somethin'."

"Oh your God, how did he know?...Oh right, he's psychic now, too." Mal said. "But now, I'm going to fill you in on our new employer, Jules. You see, he's an eccentric old man that used to be a weapons dealer. Got ruttin' rich off it too. And anyways, he supplied the Browncoats with almost all of their weapons and armor during the war."

"But, why would he do that? The rich tended to favor the Alliance…" Simon interrupted.

"Well, if you'd let me finish, I'd tell you that the only reason the rich favored the Alliance was because they were on Central planets. Jules, well, I wouldn't say he was on some backwater moon, but he was close enough to the border to favor the Independents. Also, the Alliance heavily taxed him. So, he gave us weapons and stuff to keep fighting the war. Even though the war's over, he still likes the idea of the Browncoats rising again, so when he can, he gives jobs to former Independents like me and Zoe. Plus, we met the guy once, and he seemed to take a shine to us. Though again I gotta say, he's really weird."

"Jeez, how weird can he be?" Kaylee asked.

"Oh, you'll see," Mal said ominously, "You will see."

They landed on the planet and Mal, Zoe, Kaylee, and Simon went into Jules's house. It was fairly large, and surrounded by Jules Co. weapons factories. They were greeted by a small man, most likely the butler.

"Ah, you must be Captain Reynolds. I'll get the master for you." The butler bowed and left.

Back on Serenity, the two psychics were mostly avoiding each other, but would occasionally send insults to one another via their minds.

"You are so enormously stupid" River thought.

"Yeah, well, your FACE is enormously stupid." Came Jayne's admittedly not-so-clever reply.

"By the way, your mother called. I would've taken a message, but I don't speak monkey." River was pulling out the big guns- Yo Mama jokes!

"…I don't get it" Jayne thought.

"Your mother's an ape."

"At least I'm not some crazy that first came to this ship in an ice box!"

In Jules's house, the old man had come down the stairs. He literally looked like some sort of crazy man, and had to be at least seventy. His gray hair was wild and bushy, and he was the owner of a glorious handlebar mustache. Also, he was wearing just a long purple bath robe. "Malcolm Reynolds! And Zoe! It's so good to see you again!" He certainly seemed… jolly. "But who are these two?" He asked, indicating Simon and Kaylee.

"That's Simon, our doctor, and Kaylee, our mechanic," Mal answered. "But what's this job you wanted us to take?"

"Ah! That! Yes, of course. I want you to deliver some classical music of mine to an old friend," Jules handed over a small box, containing several 50 Cent albums.

"Oh, I think I've heard some of these songs," Simon said. Or should I say Simon says? (Rimshot) "Back on the Osiris, we'd often play classical music like this to help keep the patients relaxed. Though it's not exactly timeless, I must admit. The songs use the word "ho" which, according to River, is an archaic word for Companion."

"Ah, but it's that exact quality that makes me love this music so much," Jules added very enthusiastically, "It doesn't care that the common man has never heard of most of its vocabulary. It makes the true fans of this period, such as me, feel special that we understand something so few others do."

Mal turned to Simon and Kaylee and whispered, "He's a HUGE history buff, and he adores the late twentieth and early twenty-first centuries somethin' fierce."

"Yeah", Zoe added, "Before he got too old, he spent most of his time in Gulf War re-enactments."

"Yes, my friend lives on the planet just next to this one. Only a few thousand miles away, really." Jules continued. "Just touch down, and you'll know his house when you see it. Not as grand, or, as the composer 50 would've said, "pimping", as my house, but it is very large as well."

"Ok, then, we'll just be on our way and-" Mal started, but was cut off.

"Not so fast! Your two new visitors have yet to behold…" The old man reached at his robe…

"Oh, crap." Mal said, who clearly saw this coming.

"MY RADIANCE!" Jules threw his robe off, revealing his seventy-something year-old wang.

"GAH!" Simon shrieked and covered his eyes. "Jeez, I've seen some messed-up things as a doctor, but that is just wrong!"

"Well, there's somethin' you don't see everyday," Kaylee said with a nervous laugh as she, too, averted her eyes.

"There. Now that you have been blessed, you can be on your way," Jules said, sounding very satisfied.

They returned to the ship with their cargo. River greets them at the cargo bay.

"Ugh, there's something that will forever be etched into my memory" Simon groaned.

River cocked her head. "What are you talking abo- GAH!" She ran off.

"Huh, looks like she can see images that we picture as well." Simon concluded. "…Think Jayne can do that one, too?"

"Let's see. Hey Jayne! Come out here!" Mal shouted.

Jayne entered the bay area. "What do you guys wa- AGH! Gorrammit, that's the sickest thing I've ever seen!" He quickly leaves.

Zoe turned to her captain. "Sir, I think we should do something about those two. It doesn't look like they improved at all while we were gone!"

"Nonsense, Zoe." Mal said. "Things have always been tense with those two. Remember that time she cut him with that knife?"

Mal's other flashback- It was actually a scene from one of the episodes, but the name escapes me. However, unlike that episode, Mal is sitting on a giant throne with a crown on his head, and Kaylee, Inara, and Zoe are scantily clad and chained to Mal's throne. Simon is a penguin, the Shepherd is green, and Wash is an evil computer program designed to wipe out all left-handed males. River and Jayne look fairly normal, but they speak much differently, as you'll see. River stabbed Jayne with the knife.

"OMG y u shank me?" Jayne asked.

"LOL learn 2 play n00b." She answered.

Back on Serenity, Zoe looked incredibly confused at Mal's description of the event. "Sir are you feelin' all right?" She asked.

"Yeah, I am. But now, we have a planet to get to."

In the hallway on the ship, River and Jayne crossed paths. There was a brief pause, and then River said "I've been thinking. These insults we've been using are childish and beneath us. I think it's time the both of us resolve this conflict in the only way possible."

"Yeah, I agree," Jayne said. The both of them nodded and knew what they had to do.

"PSYCHIC MIND BATTLE!" They shouted, and got into fighting stances. They then dashed throughout the ship, firing mind bullets at each other, only stopping to yell out "PSYCHIC MIND BATTLE!" every so often.

The ship touches down on the other planet. In case you haven't noticed, I completely suck at making up planet names, so I have decided to not use names at all. Mal and Zoe take the cargo out of the bay and next to the door of the only large house they see. Mal rings the doorbell. "I wonder who this old friend of Jules's is." Mal wondered aloud. "It couldn't be another original character, because those guys are way too hard to make up and then describe, so I'm guessin' it's somebody from the series…" Just then, the door opened, revealing…

"ADELAI NISKA?" Mal and Zoe shouted simultaneously.

Take my love

Take my land

Oh wait, I already did this. Never mind, let's just move along. Anyways, yeah, the old face of that Russian bastard was there, staring the two down. "Ah, Malcolm Reynolds. You have crossed me twice, now. And for that, you must, uh, die!" He then pressed a switch, and a giant robot came to life. "Go forth! My Niska-Crusher! Smash Reynolds into tiny cubes!" He made a little "c" with his thumb and index finger as he said this, illustrating just how tiny he wished the Reynolds-cubes to be.

"Sir?" Zoe said.

"This could've been better."

Yet back on the ship, River and Jayne picked up the awakening of the Niska-Crusher. "The captain and Zoe are in trouble!" River suddenly yelled. "Our Psychic Mind Battle will have to wait!"

"Yeah, I guess. But we finish it when we get back!" Jayne said, annoyed. He felt he was just about to gain the upper hand with this interruption.

"You know, just once, just one measly gorram time, I'd like to have a job that didn't go horribly or hilariously wrong at some point. This was supposed to be routine!" Mal was just realizing the high frequency of sour jobs he's had recently as he and Zoe hid behind some barrels from the Niska-Crusher.

"Actually, now that I think about it, things going bad has sort of become our routine," Zoe said in her (also trademarked) dry wit.

"Wait! What's that?" Mal noted a shining light that appeared suddenly in front of them. Out of which stepped River and Jayne, who (apparently) can teleport now. "Since when could you two warp about like that?"

"Who knows?" River said mysteriously. "The thread of our powers continues to unravel and-"

"Actually, we was just holdin' up some tin foil as we walked to make a reflection so we only looked like we was teleportin'," Jayne said. River put her hand over her face in a clearly annoyed fashion. "Oh, but, we're here to help you."

"How can the two of you fight off a poorly described giant robot?" Mal asked, noting that the robot was not given any specifications as to what it could do. Its name implied crushing, sure, but a bowling ball could crush when you think about it. So, imagine a mech, like from MechWarrior or something, but instead of guns: giant bowling balls. Boo-frickin'-yeah.

"Like this!" Jayne said as he and River got into a sort of squat position.

"FUUUUUUSIIIIIOOOOOONNNN HAAAAAAAA!" They shouted at the same time, and a blinding flash filled the area. When the smoke cleared, because apparently the flash created smoke, there stood only a single figure- River, sitting on Jayne's shoulders. The two began to speak in unison:

"WE ARE RIVER-JAYNE. PREPARE FOR YOUR SWIFT AND TIMELY END." With this, River-Jayne fired a bolt of energy through the sky and destroyed the Niska-Crusher.

"Argh! Curses! Curses! I will escape now, but hear this: Cross me once, shame on you. Cross me twice, shame on me. But cross me THREE times, well, now I'm just annoyed." Niska said this and then left for an escape shuttle.

"No. Someone stop him. Please." Mal said in monotone while reaching out with one hand.

On the ship, River and Jayne were together alone in the kitchen area. River looked nervously about for a while, and then finally said, "Jayne, I have to apologize. I was used to being the only psychic around, and because of that, I acted unfairly towards you."

Jayne said "Nah, that's all right. I was sorta movin' in on your turf, you know?" He then closed his eyes and continued, "But I guess this showed us that the 2 of us can really work toge- HURK!" KLANG! River, seizing this moment of temporary eye-closure, had snuck up behind the big man and hit him in the back of the head with a frying pan.

"Pfft. Some psychic, didn't see that one coming," River said in a satisfied way. She then spat on the floor and added, "Bitch".

EPILOUGE: And so, in true episodic fashion, the blow to the head completely negated all of Jayne's psychic powers. River then was able to continue being the only Reader around, and so was quite happy. Mal ended up getting paid for his delivery, but got even more money by selling the Niska-Crusher parts on the black market. Simon and Kaylee, both not seen during the fight with the Niska-Crusher, were grabbing some "afternoon delight", so to speak, at that time. And as for Zoe, she was just glad to have a limited role in this stupid story.

END

Author's notes: Having completed this, I realize how Out of Character many people were. So, I'm going to use the secret trump card of writing and say that after Serenity, Mal got stupid, Simon stopped being shy and River stopped being so crazay. There.