Title: State

Author: Therm

Summary: Murdock's thoughts about being crazy and what the guys think of him.

Warnings: A little about mental illness, nothing bad.

Notes: This was supposed to be a drabble, but it ran away with itself.

I know I drive the guys crazy sometimes.

Hannibal just grins and bares it, plays along sometimes if he likes the feel of what I'm going for.

Only occasionally do I go too far with him and he tells me to be quiet for a little while, but that's usually when clients are in danger or something.

Face is a middle man here. He'll play along sometimes, usually with what he'd consider the more harmless creations of mine, like Billy, and other times I see that I'm either freaking him out a little, or he wishes I'd just shut up.

BA wishes I would just be normal. Like the rest of the teams so average and mundane! I really think that he hates it when I act crazy, that I put it on in the morning like I do my clothes.

Well I don't.

See the thing is, I get scared at the VA sometimes.

Not scared because of all the crazy people in there, hell, I know I'm crazy but I'm at a sort of exceptable level of crazy.

I get scared that if I don't let loose when I'm with the guys, then I'll have to let it all out when I'm at the VA, and then I might not be thought of as exceptable crazy.

They might start to think I'm dangerous crazy.

I don't think that I am dangerous most of the time, but I really don't know what would happen if I had to go for too long playing it straight, if I couldn't go into my own head a little, if I couldn't just let off some steam and create some completely random persona just for the hell of it.

Actually, the persona's are there for a real good reason. They help to stop reality hitting home.

Okay, so realities there all the time, you're surrounded by it. I know that, but sometimes a situation we get into or a person we meet reminds me of something in Nam, and if I don't start talking and distracting myself from it, well, I'm worried what'd happen if I let that guy go round in my body.

Think I'd be in the rubber room for good.