I haven't let myself write a PoTW fic until just now, because I knew it would descend into a melodramatic angst fest - just like this one has done. So I'm sorry about that. But when I saw no one had done anything about Fix You, I was outraged. Because I think that song sums it all up, really. Mm. The fic is vastly, vastly AU and written before we had much idea of what Ten would be like. Oh, and it's really bad!
Spoilers: Post-PoTW, so for all of the series.
Disclaimer: BBC owns Doctor Who. Which makes them responsible for the tragic way the 9th Doctor's reign was cut short... Fix You is by Coldplay and is brilliant.
Thanks to everyone who reviewed - I've redone this a little, because it seems that it all went confusing towards the end. Hopefully it'll make more sense now.
Rose quietly shut the door and wandered over to the CD player. She'd bought this CD on a shopping trip this Doctor had taken her on - after hearing it in the shop and bursting into tears. He'd looked like he thought buying it was a bad idea, but hadn't argued, just gone up to the checkout with her. That was one of things about this new Doctor. He shopped with her. No complaining, no moaning, he just went along with it. And was actually pretty helpful.
Just one of the many weird and different things about him.
Pressing play, she went and lay down heavily on her bed, allowing the first few notes of the song to consume her.
When you try your best, but you don't succeed.
Rose remembered those awful moments, standing in disbelief on the street outside the TARDIS, thinking that that was it. That she couldn't get back.
That she wouldn't see him again.
But she had, hadn't she? Got the TARDIS back. Saw him again.
When you get what you want, but not what you need.
Saved him. She'd wanted the Doctor back. Wanted to save him, wanted him to live. And she'd done that.
But not this Doctor. Not this one.
She wanted a Doctor, because without one, she was ordinary Rose. Ordinary Rose who worked in a shop. So she wanted a Doctor to take her to magical far-off places and show her she could change the world.
But she needed her Doctor.
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep.
Rose adjusted the pillow behind her head. It was all hers. There wasn't going to be a Doctor sharing it tonight.
And there probably never would be now.
Stuck in reverse.
That would be good. Go back. Save him - again. Say things...
And the tears come streaming down your face.
What was the maximum amount of tears a human could cry? Rose had probably exceeded it several times over by now. And she'd probably exceed it several times again.
Hadn't he once said that that was one of humanity's great strengths? To feel emotion so powerfully?
Wasn't a bloody strength now, though. How could this much pain be considered a quality?
When you lose something you can't replace.
Irreplaceable. He'd like that. Impressive. Genius. Fantastic.
Irreplaceable. Yeah, there had been regeneration, but Rose was sure that this new Doctor wasn't him. She didn't quite understand how he could be.
When you love someone, but it goes to waste.
Too many things she should have said. So many things she could never have said, because she didn't know the words.
But it wasn't them. She wanted it to be, but it wasn't.
Together, they had been laughter, wonder, excitement, happiness. Indefinable. And love? Yes, there had been love. Love some would never know because it was not of their world.
But did that matter? It was gone now.
Could it be worse?
Cold be. He could have died completely. Died at the hands of the Daleks. He could be gone without a trace.
But would that really have been worse? To have a finality, rather than seeing someone new in his place. To not be able to let go, because she was sure that if she just looked hard enough, she could still find him there.
Lights will guide you home.
Home. Rose remembered when the TARDIS had been home. Too domestic for him, but still, that was what it was. Walking up to it, hand in his, knowing that they were going home.
And to some extent it still was.
But Rose was starting to suspect that home could have been anywhere in the universe, so long as he was there.
And ignite your bones.
Let her feel again. Drive out the coldness that had started to consume her. Bring back the warmth that had been the Doctor's easy grin and protective hand.
And I will try to fix you.
Well, thanks, but Rose was pretty sure she was irreparable.
And high up above or down below.
That was a thought. Where did Doctor's go when they... well, when they went?
To hell for all the dark things he could never tell her, but she saw resting deep below the surface?
Or to heaven for the amazing things he did, the lives he saved and the joy he had brought her?
When you're too in love to let it go.
He wouldn't like this, she knew that. Indulging herself with misery. Downright selfish, he'd call it.
Well she was making some attempt. She was going out. Visiting all the new places the new Doctor took her. And it was fun. It was. He was different and fun to be around.
But she could never quite forget who he had been.
But if you never try, you'll never know
She'd tried. Thought maybe putting away the jacket and putting away the tears would work. She'd carry on and be happy for his sake. Like he'd said.
It hadn't worked that well, though. She was better at pretending, but the jacket was back out and more tears kept flowing.
Just what you're worth.
Fantastic, he'd called her.
He'd taken her from the anonymous job of a shop assistant and given her a new life. Given her a whole new world, each time he slipped his hand in hers.
He'd thought she was worth showing the universe too.
He'd thought Rose Tyler was worth something.
Lights will guide you home
If only. It would be nice. A neat little path showing her which way to go.
Something showing her how best to relieve the pain.
And ignite your bones.
There was nothing that could do that. This new Doctor had taken her places and shown her the most amazing things.
But the wonder was gone. The excitement was gone.
Everything, as far as Rose was concerned, was gone.
She felt...
Numb.
And I will try
Save it, thought Rose, bitterly.
To fix you.
The only one who could fix her was gone. There was no point in even trying now.
"Rose!" called an excited voice, from outside her door.
Rose moaned and buried her face in her pillow. She was listening to a depressing song. She wanted a little time to dwell and just a little break from pretending everything was ok. Couldn't he leave her alone? She was missing the climatic part, anyway.
"Seriously, Rose. I've founds something – well, the TARDIS did. She picked up a signal – from the station - and went round to get it. Though obviously after I managed to reco-... Never mind. But open up; you'll like this. Rose?"
Grumbling, Rose shuffled over to the door and opened it.
That was another thing – if her Doctor had ever been this excited about something, he would never have bothered knocking. He would have marched right in and swept her off to some new and exciting place.
The new Doctor grinned when he saw her – a grin that was definitely likable, but not quite right.
"Found somebody," he said quietly, and then backed off to reveal someone else. Another man. A man she thought she'd lost along with her Doctor.
"Rose?" His accent was the same, maybe American - Rose had never been sure. And his smile was just as wide – cocky and easy-going.
Lights will guide you home.
"I thought... I thought you were dead."
And ignite your bones.
"Do I look dead?"
And I will try
They stared at each other for a single, spellbound moment, before her opened his arms to hold her. And it wasn't quite home, and it wasn't quite him, but it was just what she needed.
To fix you.
I'm not happy with this at all. I don't think it worked how I wanted it to. At all. And it's much, much longer than I meant it to be.
Someone, please review? Did I get it right this time?