Here it is: the final piece of The Dork Knights™ adventures in Nerima, aka Snootchie Bootchies! Hope you enjoy the fic.
(Sorry for the delay! Writer's block!)
Chapter 3
After the crowd had finally broken up, Brodie had taken the two stoners inside to the comic shop.
"So, what are you doing here, anyway? You posting shops all around the world, or something?"
"Well, after I stumbled upon a website that notified me of the sudden uproar in popularity of Bluntman and Chronic here, I just had to set up my own post, seeing as how I had five thousand of your issues stashed away. You'd be surprised how many people here will by the English-language ones, too, it's really amazing."
Jay stopped him. "Whoa, hold it right there- what do you mean, 'popularity'? Our comic isn't big over here, is it?"
Brodie turned around, towards the other side of the shop. "Gentlemen, please direct your attention to the west-side racks."
They looked at the comic racks where a large section of western comics resided. And, sure enough, posted on the walls above the shelves, was a big poster featuring an anime version of Bluntman and Chronic. Jay and Bob both stared, open-mouthed, at the merchandise with their faces on it.
"Motherfucker. When the hell did this happen?" Jay said, picking up a comic featuring him and his hetero lifemate in their superhero incarnations.
Brodie moved behind the counter. "Basic movement of popularity, gentlemen. When something becomes popular back home, it will undoubtedly reach its own cult following in several countries overseas. This happens to be your turn of good luck."
"Hold on a second, we lost everything back home. Our comics went down the fuckin' toilet months ago. They practically pulled 'em from the shelves, why would they still be popular over here?"
"Well, think about it, guys. You know for a fact that some movies maintain their popularity in other places years after their original hype is long past in their native country. Need I remind you of that small scene in the second American Pie movie, where the use of one-liners and attitude from a ten-year-old sci-fi movie got a complete dork laid by one of the hottest chicks on the face of the earth, just because she happened to be foreign? I'm sure you all remember that?"
Jay smiled, lost in his own thoughts of the scene. "Yeah, that's true…damn, that bitch was smokin'…"
Bob noticed his friend trailing of, and snapped his fingers in the face of his partner. Jay came back, surprisingly.
"Oh, okay. So, we gotta' find out who's making these comics of us. Don't we still co-own the whole damn thing?"
"You guys probably own all of it, now that our good friend Banky's no longer with us. Maybe you should head down to the studio where they're drawing the things, and give 'em a little talk. You know, the same old way: you approach the guys just like you would the fucking president, only with your finger stuck deep in your ass." Brodie took his right index finger, and did as he said. "And, if things don't go your way, you go out with the traditional stink-palm handshake. Heck, even if you guys-"
Jay held up his hand, stopping Brodie. "Yeah, yeah, we've all been there. Well, Brodieman, keep up the good fuckin' work. Silent Bob and I are heading off to get our fucking dues." He made his traditional devil-sign. "Snoogans."
"Right back at you, men. Happy hunting, as usual."
"Fuckin' A!"
And, with that, the two walked out the door. Brodie then turned his attention to a man dressed entirely in Hawaiian attire. This man also happened to be messing up the neatly-placed and ordered row of comics in the store, and had been giving several of the you customers trouble. Brodie approached him as the man played 'keep-away' with a teen and his manga.
"Hey, give that back! It's the last one!"
"Da Kahuna saw it first! No way you gettin' it!"
Brodie approached the two. "You're absolutely right, sir. I always go by the rule 'first come, first serve'. I'm afraid you'll have to try again, later kid. Please leave the premises unless you mean to buy something else."
Both he and the Hawaiian man looked at the kid arrogantly. The kid got a sour look on his face, and left for the door, but not before Brodie slapped a note in his hand, which told the kid to return in an hour. After the teen left, Brodie turned to the man, reaching into his jacket.
"Say, sir. Would you like a chocolate-covered pretzel?"
"Ranma, there you are! Did you get them?"
This was Akane's question as she ran outside to meet Ranma, who was walking back into the garden.
"No, I didn't! They disappeared after running into a dead end. I just don't understand!"
"Clam down, it's okay. It's not like they damaged our house or anything."
"But they ate our food! And they used our bathroom to do drugs! I gotta get 'em back for all that!"
"No you don't! C'mon, let's just go and get something to eat, you'll feel better."
"Well, I guess. Let's turn Pop over on his back first, before he suffocates."
"All right."
After a brief look in a phonebook, which they couldn't understand until Silent Bob spotted the English translation, they found themselves at the front door of the cartoon studio, where the manga version of Bluntman and Chronic was being drawn.
"Dude, talk about déjà vu. This better go a lot better than what happened with Holden."
Silent Bob nodded his head in agreement, throwing his cigarette to the ground. The to walked up to the door, and entered.
(Five minutes later…)
Screams could be heard coming from the building, as well as several shelves crashing to the ground. Seconds later, a yell of "Gang way, ya cock-smokin' cartoonist!" resonated from the building, and the two stoners burst out of the door, running like "it" had been legalized. They tore down the street, with several people from the studio yelling at them from the entrance.
They finally came to a stop in an alley.
"That'll show those pig-fuckers to deny our fucking existence. We are Jay and Silent Bob, and nothing they write or draw can fucking change that! Heh, they won't be getting any fucking cartoons published anytime soon…"
Silent Bob slightly rolled his eyes, but nodded all the same. When the editor at the studio had told them to leave, he had been pretty mad, and was about to let him know who they were, when Jay started knocking desks and shelves over. After that, they had no choice but to run.
Bob was thinking about what they would do next, when he noticed something he would rather not have noticed: the kids from earlier, at the house with the garden, were entering a shop right outside the alley. If they didn't leave, they might be spotted. He tapped Jay on the back.
Jay turned around. "What is it, Tubby?"
Bob gestured towards the end of the alley.
"What? There's no one over there!"
Bob started to make numerous, sometimes unreadable gestures, referring to the two kids they had met earlier. Jay was completely clueless.
"What the fuck are you trying to say now? (More gesturing) Dammit, I never understand this shit you give me, so why don't you just say it? (Angry gesturing) Maybe if you tell that dumb 'Amy' story, you might talk a bit more! (Pissed off, desperate gesturing) What the fuck are you trying to say?"
Bob could take it no longer. He reached out, grabbed Jay by his trench coat, and pulled him only inches from his face.
"THOSE KIDS, FROM BACK AT THAT HOUSE, PLUS THE ONE WHO CHASED US AWAY, ARE NOW RIGHT OUTSIDE THE ALLEY, YOU STUPID SHROOM-FUCKER!"
He released Jay vehemently. Jay perked up.
"Okay, fine. Let's just leave before any other shit happens."
When they moved into the street, Bob went in the direction away from the shop. Jay, however, not wanting to head back towards the studio, walked right in front of the shop. Bob noticed this, but, being himself, did not say anything. Jay soon noticed that his partner wasn't following him, and turned around to face him.
"Where the fuck are you going? That's back towards the stupid cartoon studio, let's head the other way?"
Bob held out his hands, trying to signal Jay to be quiet.
"For shit's sake, not this again! Didn't we just over of this shit?"
He didn't get a response from Bob, who was looking in horror at the shop behind Jay. Jay turned around to see three teens looking at him angrily. One was that guy/chick from earlier, who had chased them into the alley. Another was that girl who had been with him at the house. The third was one he didn't recognize, although she had long, brown hair, and was wearing a purple seller's tunic with black tights.
Jay broke a weak smile. "Heh heh." He then broke into a run, following Silent Bob.
"Get back here!" Ranma yelled as he and two of his fiancés took off after the two stoners.
The chase slowed down considerably a few minutes later. Ranma, who stayed several paces ahead of Akane and Ukyo, had been stupid enough for the run-into-the-dead-end-and-escape-with-the-grappling-hook trick again, and lost them once again. Jay and Bob had crossed over the roof of the building they were on, and got off on the other side. Jay gloated about the escape to his partner, talking about how stupid the Japanese were…only to run into Ranma and co., who had circumnavigated the building. The chase resumed.
By this time, Jay was getting exhausted. For someone who smoked and did acid all the time, he was in pretty good shape, but he still had his limits. And they were starting to catch up with him. Silent Bob, judging by his appearance, was no better off.
The two rounded a couple of corners, briefly losing the teens. Bob spotted a place to hide out, tapped his partner on the shoulder, and pointed. Jay looked towards the café Bob was gesturing to.
"Okay, fine! Just hurry up, I can't run much longer!"
They ran behind the Chinese café, into the backyard, and opened a ground window that led into the basement. Jay slipped through easily. Silent Bob, however, given his figure, had trouble.
"Oh, c'mon, not this again!" Jay grabbed his partner by the hands, trying to pull him through.
"C'mon, you fat fuck! Stop making like Whinne the Pooh, and get in here!"
Bob finally managed to squeeze through, just before Ranma and the others rounded the corner.
Ranma looked around the street, past the Cat Café. They were nowhere to be found.
"Dammit!" he yelled, slamming his fist on the ground. "Why do they keep disappearing like that?"
"Why do you keep chasing them?" Akane asked. "So they ate our food- big deal! It's not like they're ruining our house anymore! You're just wasting your time by chasing them!"
"Is that all they did? They ate food that belonged to you? It's not like you haven't done that before, Ran-chan" Ukyo said.
"It's not just that! They barged in like idiots, and they knocked out Pops with animal tranquilizer! He's still foaming at the mouth at home, like he's going on some kind of trip! And then, they had the nerve to break into our bathroom, and fill it with dope smoke! And that smell is still there, it's gonna take forever to get rid of it! If we don't stop 'em, they're just gonna keep causing trouble!"
Akane sighed. "Fine. You do what you want, but I'm leaving!" She turned to head back home, when something zoomed under her, flipping up her skirt.
"Aaaahhh!"
"Akane-chan! How are you!" the small figure said as it zoomed past Ranma, carrying it's large sack along the way.
Ranma leapt after the old freak, stomping him to the ground.
"I think you've had enough panty raids, old man!"
By the time Ranma got off of him, the swarm of schoolgirls armed with janitorial tools caught up with Happosai, gave him the usual beating, and walked off with their stolen goods. Happosai got up, his aura starting to build.
"Ranma…I have endured your arrogance long enough! Well, not anymore!"
On cue, the battle aura seemingly made him grow about thirty feet. Ranma, of course, backed away in the slight shock he always got from an incredible aura.
"Okay, old freak…you wanna play hardball…"
Back in the café basement, Jay and Bob got off the floor.
"Shit. You know, it would be a lot easier if you stopped eating all that Hostess shit you keep spending our dope money on- whoa!"
Jay turned away from Bob as he spoke, getting a look around the room. The basement was full of some very exotic and rare plants, some of which were not legal back home…and, off in one corner, Jay saw something that sent him to his knees.
"Opium poppies" he said, crawling up to the flower bed that was dug into what looked like an old bathtub. "These are the ones, Lunchbox. The same fucking poppies that old man told us about. We get a few of these, and we're set for fucking life!"
Bob nodded in agreement, cutting one of the flowers off the bed with his pocket knife.
Suddenly, the two heard noises of what sounded like a fight. "What the fuck is that?"
They both looked out the window. What they saw shocked them beyond words.
"Holy shit…this place really is fucked up." They backed away from the window.
"What the fuck do we do about this?"
Bob reached into his coat, and pulled out several plastic bags, as well as a rusted can. Weed, acid, ether, and varnish: all the ingredients they needed to make the deep dope that had brought them to this world in the first place.
"Shit, Tubby, that just might work. Who knows what we can do with a double dose of this stuff! Okay, let's do this!"
In a matter of minutes (hey, if a guy can turn a vibrator into a CD player using chicken wire, he can work miracles with opium extraction in a matter of minutes!), Silent Bob had extracted plenty of opium from the poppies, to which they added their ingredients, and used a nearby oven to harden the substance. They soon had their "Anime Albatross", as they called it.
Jay turned towards the door that led up the stairs. "Okay, fat-ass. Let's go."
And, with that, the two ascended the stairs.
Ranma was having his usual fight against the old pervert, never having much luck, now that there was nothing to distract the old man.
After dodging another blow, Ranma was immediately knocked over by something that collided with the back of his head. He whipped around.
"Who the hell threw-"
He was cut off as another coconut flew at him. This one, however, exploded on contact. Ranma got up in pain, and looked up to see the Furinkan principal…who looked a bit weird. In fact, he looked pretty awful, like he was going to throw up every three seconds. This didn't stop him from keeping his annoying grin on his face, though.
"Ranma Saotome! I's yo' fault that I'm feelin' like a train wreck right now! You done somethin', and now, you's gonna pay like the delinquent you is!"
"What the HELL are you talking about?" was Ranma's only response as he dodged another coconut attack. The principal stopped his game to throw up on the sidewalk. Ranma, Akane and Ukyo all looked away in disgust. "Dude! That's sick!"
Ranma had forgotten about Happosai, who sent him flying towards the principal with a powerful blow from his pipe. The principal, with one hand over his mouth and the other holding barber's shears, zoomed towards Ranma again.
"Gyaaah!" Ranma ducked to avoid the shears, and stood up again, facing the principal, who vomited again.
"Dat's right, keiki…here come detention for all you-"
He was silenced when a bat cracked across his skull, sending him to the ground with a thump. He fell away, revealing Jay, holding the aluminum bat. He raised the bat into the air.
"Son of Jor-El: KNEEL BEFORE ZOD! Snootchie Bootchies! Heheheheheh!"
Ranma was shocked to see the stoner in front of him. "You!"
"Yeah, it's me!" Jay said, swinging the bat over his shoulder. "Whadd'you want? Still pissed about that bathroom bit? Give it a fucking rest already!"
Ranma was about to charge the two stoners when Happosai gained his attention yet again.
"My, my…it looks like two others are foolish enough to challenge me. Very well, punks!"
Happosai returned to his battle aura-state, and advanced on Jay and Silent Bob. The two loiterers, however, were prepared.
Jay turned to his hetero lifemate. "Let's do it, Lunchbox!" Bob nodded, and took out what looked like a bong. Within seconds, they were shrouded in white smoke that made the whole place wreak of Albatross.
Ranma and the others looked on in utter shock. "I don't believe this…could these two morons know martial arts or something?"
"Nah. They don't know shit, other than what's in those comics of theirs."
Ranma nearly jumped in shock, and turned around a young man he didn't know. He was another foreigner.
"Who are you?"
Brodie, taking his focus away from the fight for a moment, turned to face Ranma. "Brodie Bruce. I'm just watching the rather interesting affair involving two of my friends from back home."
"You know those guys?"
"Like the back of my ass."
Ranma turned away, a slightly uncomfortable look on his face. Okay…
By this time, the smoke had cleared, and the two were dressed in their superhero attires, taking the forms of Bluntman and Chronic.
"Snoogans" Jay said. "Okay, old motherfucker, let's dance!"
Happosai shrunk back to his normal size. "Well, well, well! This might be fun!" He moved a bit closer.
"You two punks really think you have a chance against me? Even with my asoko-cracker?"
"What the fuck does that mean?"
"This!" The lecher zoomed forward, connecting his skull with Jay's crotch. Jay fell to his knees, clutching his nuts as Silent Bob looked on in shock.
"Avenge me! Avenge me…" Jay said through gritted teeth. With that, he slumped to the ground. It was just Bob and the monster.
By this time, an enormous crowd had formed outside the Cat Café to watch the ordeal. Most of them had wandered from the Blunt-and-Chron fest after Brodie had left the place. The old hack who owned the restaurant didn't mind; any excuse for more business was a good one.
Bob was at a loss for actions at the moment. Without his Blunt Bong-Saber™, there wasn't much he could do.
"Hey, Bluntman!"
He turned to see Brodie toss him the weapon in question. Bob caught it, and activated it, revealing the bright, dope-green blade of the Bong-Saber.
"You're making a mistake, punk" Happosai said as he grew with his aura. The old man pounced after the stoner, but not fast enough: Bob had used his grappling hook to pull himself over the aura-figure, and had sliced through it with his Bong-Saber. The old freak's aura was down for the moment.
"Why you…"
"Hey, old nut-cracker."
Happosai turned to see Jay, brandishing his double-bladed Syringe-Saber™. "No one knocks me in the nuts. That's why they call me Darth Balls! BOOONNNG!"
They both attacked the old freak, who continued to grow in size and fight back. Still, no matter how much they fought, they still couldn't overpower the man with a lot of battle aura. Within minutes, Jay was practically down for the count, and Bob was struggling to dodge the attacks.
"HA HA HA! You morons better give up! You've got nothing left!"
Silent Bob could only think of one thing to do. Use the force, Bob, his mind told him. Placing his extended fingers on the sides of his head, he closed his eyes, and tried desperately to concentrate. What was the way to beat the old freak?
The crowd watched as the aura-driven Happosai stared down the last stoner standing. Ranma was so fixated on the outcome that it never occurred to him to join in.
All of a sudden, it came to him! All he saw was the image of a lone panty in his mind. As much as this confused Bob, he eventually got it, and focused on a girl in the crowd. He pointed his hands, and concentrated.
The girl didn't know what hit her. Her bra and panty suddenly flew off her chest and out from under her legs, and flew towards Silent Bob. Happosai noticed, suddenly losing all of his battle aura, which was replaced by lust aura.
"Ooh! Give me my silky darlings!" Reverting to his normal size, he leapt for the garments in Bob's hands.
That was all Bob needed. He raised his deactivated Bong-Saber, which emitted the white smoke of Anime Albatross, then tossed the garments at the old man. The old lecher floated in the air for a moment in pure bliss, before Bob sent him flying with the Bong-Saber. The fight was over.
The crowd cheered as Jay struggled to get up. "Shit, you tubby bitch! How the hell did you do that?"
Bob smiled as he looked out over the crowd. "A Dork Knight may not know how to fight," he said, "but he knows his enemies."
"Fuckin' A."
The crowd closed in on the two stoners, with Brodie in the lead.
"Well, gentlemen, you seem to have made a big name for yourselves around here. Now, if only you could pull off some shit like this at home-"
"That was pretty cool, man."
Jay and Bob turned to see Ranma walking up to them. "I didn't know you guys could do that. Sorry about that trouble earlier…"
"Yeah, whatever. And screw this old comic persona, we got a better line of income coming to us. Behold, the glory of Anime Albatross!" He held up the bong, to which the crowd cheered.
Suddenly, Ranma was splashed by water coming from nowhere, and immediately groped by the old lecher, who had made another one of his big turnarounds. Ranma sent him into the stratosphere with a kick.
"Stupid old freak! Why can't he just…"
Ranma stopped cold. So did everyone else in the crowd as they turned to Jay, his hand pressed up against Ranma-chan's firm buttocks, a slight grin on his face.
Ranma fumed even more than with the old fart, and responded in kind, sending the two stoners into the east sky, back towards New Jersey.
Jay and Bob awoke in the same place they had gone to sleep n a day before. When they noticed they were no longer "animated", they decided the whole adventure was just an effect of the drug. What they failed to notice, however, were the two stoner-shaped holes in the ceiling of the warehouse.
As for business, it went great. They produced a copious amount of "Anime Albatross", and sold it at a reasonable price for the drug market. They were raking in dirty cash in no time, and, acting on an earlier suggestion from Brodie, started their own convenience store to hang out in front of. Life was good.
Back in Nerima, several strange people were popping up. And they all acted very weird, as though on drugs…
Finally! Sorry again for the slight delay. I had a small writer's block. I want to thank Aaron the 2nd Trickster Priest for adding me to his favorites list. It's my first of any of those. Thank you all for your reviews, and keep reading!