Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek - do I need to say more?

Note: This story deals with SI. I don't want to offend anyone, seriously. I have my own experiences with the subject and tried to somehow get them on paper. Not everything that is in this story comes from my own contact with SI, some things are added or changed but still I attempted to keep things close to reality. I know I am not very good at writing and frankly this story is more for me than anyone else (please don't ask why I am posting it in the first place). If you have something nice to say feel free to comment, if you don't like my writing or the story or whatever- keep it to yourself. Thx.

Summary: This is set after Kesprytt. Beverly breaks down, while Jean-Luc is dating someone.

Tomorrow

By Ennerida

Beverly turned in her bed to look at the chronometer.

0200 hours. Damn.

Another sleepless night. She got up, made herself a cup of tea and went to the sofa. What is wrong with me? She was tired yet it was impossible for her to get a good night's sleep. In fact she hadn't slept more than three or four hours a night for at least three weeks now. Every single time she tried to sleep, nightmares came haunting her, causing her to wake up.

Not that she didn't know why. She knew exactly the reasons for her lack of sleep and all her other problems.

It started the night after Kesprytt. The night of the biggest mistake she had made in her entire life.

'Maybe we should be afraid.'

What is that supposed to mean? She had played the situation over and over in her head but it didn't make things better.

Jean- Luc loved her.

She had felt it that day. She had had the chance to build a relationship with him and yet she backed out of it- leaving him in his quarters. Their friendship had not been the same from then on. She had been afraid that she would lose her best friend when she allowed the relationship, and now she had lost him not allowing it. They rarely shared breakfast or spent time together any longer. He always excused himself being busy or already having a date- yes, he was having dates. It was not as serious as with Nella or Vash but nevertheless they were there. Well, at least she hoped they were not serious. He was dating someone from engineering. She didn't know whom exactly- because he didn't talk to her about it and because she didn't listen to ship's gossip.

Beverly herself almost never got in touch with other people anymore. She kept to herself, always working. She was working a lot. Staying extra shifts in sickbay and spending the rest of her time doing research or other work in her quarters. She stopped working only to sleep.

The other big problem was that she did not eat. Usually she simply forgot it while working but sometimes when she remembered she did feel sick or just not hungry. So she ate only enough to keep her going, the thought of food already making her stomach turn.

She looked out at the stars, feelings of loneliness, fear and guilt coming over her. She was scared that her friendship with Jean-Luc was over. Every time she thought of him a she told herself that it was her own fault and that he deserved better than her. Why did she have to walk out on him? No wonder she was so lonely. Beverly found it impossible to talk to anyone about her feelings, except this one person. She knew he was the only one who could help her but he had moved on. He was happy with another woman and she would die alone. Beverly sighed deeply and wiped at her tears, asking herself how she had come to such a sorry state of affairs.

As her feelings intensified she broke down sobbing. It took her a long time before she was able to calm herself and even then it was hard for her to control her tears and her emotions. She went to the bathroom- knowing she would do it again.

It was already 0530 when she took a shower and got dressed. She hadn't slept any more and one look in the mirror told her that it was not enough. She could clearly see how much weight she had lost and decided she required some extra make up and layers of clothing to hide that fact. She was pale and dark circles showed under her eyes. She undressed again putting on another shirt and trousers. It also gave her some extra warmth she badly needed. As she applied her make up she pondered about her situation. Being a doctor it wasn't hard for her to imagine that what she was doing damaged her body and she knew how dangerous it was. Still she put the thought aside and studied her reflection once more before leaving for sickbay.

Beverly spent most of her shift in her office going through all the files of Enterprises crewmen. Physicals were just over and now all the data had to be typed into the computer, patient who were sick re-checked and everything cleaned up. This was a work that usually took about four to five weeks and she had always been glad to be done with it, but right now she was happy to have an excuse not to hover around sickbay all the time. She had Dr. Selar spent most of the time with the patients and was only called to emergencies.

That way she kept away from crewmembers without it looking like she was avoiding them. It gave her time alone and no one had the chance to take a closer look at her and possibly notice the changes she was going through.

She even managed to avoid meeting Deanna while she hid her emotions from her- ironically by a technique Deanna herself had taught her. Yet it was getting harder and harder to do this as her strength weakened in time. Only at night, when Deanna was asleep she let go.

At 2000 hours she left sickbay. Her staff had gotten used to her unusual working habits and most of them didn't notice her presence anyway so there were no surprised stares or glances at her for having been there for so long. She walked down the corridor towards her quarters when she suddenly bumped into Deanna.

"Beverly!" She looked at Deanna trying her hardest not to show any sign of discomfort.

"Hi Deanna. How are you?" She closely studied her face.

"I'm doing just fine. But how about you? I scarcely even get to see you. Are you okay?"

Deanna was worried. Even though she could not read her friend's feelings- or maybe because she could not read them- her instincts told her something was wrong. Beverly looked the same as always, but still there was something about her that made Deanna worry.

Beverly tried to dissolve her friend's anxiety and smiled.

"I'm fine. Thank you. Your really have nothing to worry about."

It was a lie but still the best thing she could come up with for the moment. Deanna did not at all look satisfied, so Beverly decided it better to get out of the situation.

"Deanna, it was nice to see you, but I really have to go right now. I still have some things to do and I want to go to bed early tonight. I see you soon!"

And with that, she hurried away, leaving Deanna wondering.

Deanna was sure that something was wrong. She had never seen her friend like that and her guts told her that this was serious. From experience she knew that asking Beverly herself would not help her. If she blocked her emotions she really did not want to talk about what was bothering her. She continued to walk but by now she had forgotten where she wanted to go.

While Deanna walked down the corridor, deeply in thought, Beverly sat in her bathroom trying to swallow her upcoming tears. In her right hand she held a razor blade while she faced her naked arm. Then, almost as if someone else was moving her hand, she saw the blade press down on her arm and felt pain emerging from the cut. She held her arm over her bath tub to prevent the blood from dropping on the floor. As she watched the blood drip from her arm, relief came over her and the tears were forgotten. She leaned her head back and for just a moment enjoyed the feeling of calmness spreading over her. She managed to forget all her worries and fears for just a short time.

After a while she caught herself and carefully sealed the cut with her dermal regenerator until she was sure there would be no scarring. Some advantages to being a doctor. As she got up she felt a wave of dizziness hit her. She held on to the sink until she was stable enough to stand alone. Then she cleaned the tub and put her dermal regenerator away before she hid the blade in her cabinet.

Beverly knew she was not able to work any more in her condition so she decided to go to bed and sleep. She didn't even bother to undress before she fell across her bed, totally exhausted.

Jean- Luc Picard sat on the couch in his quarters and reflected the past three weeks. He had just ended his relationship with Lieutenant Sara Nates, knowing that he could never truly love her. He thought it was unfair to her if he kept on pretending to have more feelings for her than he actually had. Deep inside she had known it all along as well as he had. His only love in life was Beverly Crusher. He wondered if things could ever come back to normal. He missed her dearly, knowing that his fling with Lieutenant Nates was part of the reason why she had distanced herself from him. Still he did not understand why she had run away that evening after Kesprytt. He knew that she loved him; he had felt it strongly when they were attached. Now he had almost never seen her during the past weeks and had never spoken to her outside of ship's business. He wondered if he could simply go to her quarters and visit her or invite her for breakfast the following day.

He just wanted to get p and send her a message when he heard his door chime.

"Come."

The doors opened to reveal Deanna Troi. She stepped inside and looked directly at her captain.

"Do you have a minute, sir? I really need to talk to you. It's important."

Jean- Luc was surprised to receive her visit this late at night. She showed her to the couch.

"Yes, by all means. Have a seat. Do you want anything to drink?"

"Thank you, hot chocolate would be nice." Picard smiled at her choice. He went to the replicator and ordered her drink and an Earl Grey tea for himself, then took a seat opposite to Deanna.

"Now counselor, what can I do for you?"

Deanna moved uneasily in her seat. She didn't know how to start. She knew that this was private and that the friendship between Beverly and Jean- Luc had changed since Kesprytt, even though she did not know why. Then there were Picard's dates with Lieutenant Nates. Still he was her only hope as he was the only one who had a chance to get through to Beverly and who she would listen to.

"I don't quite know how to start. I am not even a hundred percent sure myself. It's just- call it intuition. I mean, I don't sense anything…." Picard looked at her kindly.

"Counselor, just say it straight away. What is wrong?" Deanna sighed.

"It's Beverly. I am worried about her. As I said I cannot sense anything from her because she always hides her emotions from me, but still I have a feeling that something is very wrong with her. I met her in the corridor today as she was on the way to her quarters. I can't even tell what exactly worried me so much but something about her was different. She looked the same and yet changed. It's also the way she behaves lately. She never spends time with me anymore and then when I tried to talk to her she just said something about wanting to go to bed early and left me standing there. She never did that before- especially not when we haven't talked to each other for so long. It's just not like her."

Deanna felt Picard's uneasiness; she felt how worried he was and how much he loved Beverly. Mentioning her name was all it took to set lose all these emotions that he had tightly packed inside. She knew that despite of whatever happened between the two of them, he still cared a lot.

"I'm not sure what to say. I haven't seen her in quite a while. I was busy with work and…" His voice trailed off as he thought of his dates. Deanna could feel he was uncomfortable about this and that he even regretted having dated this woman.

"Captain, you know how stubborn Beverly can be when it comes to problems. She almost never admits that she has any. She is very strong, but sometimes even a woman like her needs help. I don't know what is going on with her but I can tell that she won't talk to me about it. But I do know that she loves you very much and if anyone can help her right now, it's you. I want to ask you, to go to her and talk to her. Find out what is wrong. Please. I am really scared for her."

She had felt Picard's happiness as she told him of Beverly's love. Everyone on board knew that they were in love, but nevertheless they did not seem to be able to get together.

"Thank you for telling me, Deanna. This means a lot to me, because I really do care about Beverly- deeply. I was just about to invite her to- "He stopped as he saw Deanna shrunk suddenly. She looked as if she had just been hit by something.

"Counselor, what's the matter?"

It took a while before Deanna had managed to pull up her mental walls and was able to speak.

"I suddenly sensed strong emotions- there was so much pain and fear and then I also felt relief. It …it was Beverly, I am sure that this came from her. Something is VERY wrong. I had no idea. Please Captain, go to her. She needs you."

Picard was alarmed. If Deanna felt these powerful things, he was sure, Beverly was in trouble. He had promised to go to Beverly the first thing in the morning, for now as the computer had told him, she was asleep. Deanna had left.

The more he thought about it the more he realized that he never saw Beverly anymore at poker evenings or in ten forward. She seemed to have faded from sight. He checked the logs to see how much time she spent in sickbay and was shocked about what he saw. During the past three weeks she had not taken a single day off and had spent over twelve hours daily in sickbay. Why did I not notice this sooner? He felt guilty for having spent so much time with Sara Nates while Beverly probably needed him. As a captain all this time Beverly had worked gave him reason enough to relieve her of duty for at least one day.

I had reason enough to go on a date, after all was Beverly the one who walked out on me!

No matter how he tried to turn it, the guilt stayed. He could not endure the thought that the love of his life was in pain. It didn't matter if she walked out or not. He had let her go.

We have to talk about this. I need to know where I stand with her.

He sent Beverly an invitation for breakfast and then went to bed. He would ask her what was wrong and deal with it. And then they would find a way to save their friendship.

With that Jean- Luc fell into a restless sleep.

To be continued…..