Finished 23rd June 2005

"Professor Dumbledore," Sirius said, reverentially, "is a cruel, cruel man."

They looked at the pin in James' hand again. "You don't say," James murmured. He was pale under his summer tan.

"You don't think he made Sni – " Sirius stopped, glanced nervously at Remus, and then ploughed on. "You don't think he made Snape Head Girl while he was at it?"

James, who tended to be impressionable when under stress, dropped the Head Boy pin and stared at him in open-mouthed horror. "Oh, no."

"That was a joke, James," Peter said kindly, while Remus bent to pick up the pin. He frowned in thought. "Maybe this is one, too. He probably meant to send it to Remus."

Remus straightened up, smiling vaguely. "It says 'James Potter' on the envelope. In my experience that's not a common misspelling of 'Remus Lupin'."

There was a short silence, which James broke with an anguished wail. "What will I do? I'm going to have to – to enforce the rules."

"There, there. It's okay," Sirius said, placatingly. "I mean, Remus was a prefect for two years and he never… did… anything…" He trailed off, faintly, aware that this had not been the right thing to say.

"Well." Remus' voice was calm. "I suppose that's why I'm not Head Boy."

Sirius opened his mouth to apologise, but James interrupted with a second outburst of "What will I do?"

Remus gently removed the envelope from James' unresisting hands, Peter dealt the cards, and they spent the rest of the afternoon playing mild, soothing games of Exploding Snap.

.

Remus stared at the wooden slats under the upper bunk, thoughtfully. It was probably just as well that they were staying with the Potters until school started; if James had received notice on being Head Boy while alone he might have tried to jump into the nearest river.

Poor James.

He had to admit, though, that he was glad it wasn't him. In fact, if I understand this correctly, then I'm not only not Head Boy, but also no longer a Prefect.

It was a reassuring thought. Lily had been so upset with him in the last two years over how he little he had managed to get done. He was a fundamentally decent person, she would tell him, he could be a brilliant Prefect – if only he hadn't chosen to throw in his lot with people like James and Sirius.

Of course Lily Evans was dating James now, but she still had a faintly bemused expression whenever she went out with him, as though she couldn't believe how stupid she was.

Remus smiled. He'd tried to explain how it all worked. In theory Remus did make a brilliant Prefect; he was mature and responsible and by all accounts had his heart in the right place. He could even be a good influence on James and Sirius. The flaw in the grand plan was that trying to influence James and Sirius was like trying to influence the weather. He was influenced by them; it didn't happen the other way round.

And so things had gone on in much the same way they always did, with pranks played on Slytherin in general and Severus Snape in specific, while Lily told him he was too good for them and Remus acquired a deeply-pained expression that Sirius apparently thought was the result of stomach acid.

Typical Sirius. Remus sighed, softly. Sirius was Sirius; he was full of unthinking malice while being entirely ingenuous. Sirius was hopeless and hopelessly earnest and Remus had tried, was trying, to forgive him because there was nothing else he could do.

Remus had wanted to return the Prefect's badge after Severus had nearly been killed, because it had been his fault; he should have been the good influence or at least the restraining influence that everyone had expected him to be, and instead he'd simply done nothing. He should have seen more clearly, he should have known better, and he had not.

He'd placed the pin on Professor McGonagall's desk and she'd just looked at him and said, "You're going to graduate in the middle of a war. Are you going to give that pin back?"

And Remus had wordlessly closed his hand over the pin, left the Head of House's office, and tried to do his job properly over the remaining half a year.

The fact that he was not a prefect now meant that it had not been enough.

There was some creaking, and then a dark shape dropped across the edge of the upper bunk. Remus sat up, squinted into the darkness until he could make out James' upside-down features, and then sighed. "Get down, James. You'll rupture a vein."

James clambered down. "I just wanted a drink of water."

"And you want some company, in case the monsters under the stairs get you." Remus glanced over his shoulder at Peter, who was sleeping in the bunk next to his. The smaller boy was snoring softly. "All right, I'll walk you to the kitchen."

They made their way out of the room. James stopped in the corridor, leaning over the railing and frowning pensively as Remus shut the door. "I'd give that pin to you if I could, Remus."

Because you don't want it, or because you think I do? Remus joined him at the railing. "I wouldn't want it even if you did."

"But you'll still be a Prefect," James said, hopefully. Then he added, more uncertainly, "won't you?"

"I don't think so."

James blurted his next statement. "Sirius didn't mean it."

"Which incident are you talking about?"

"All of them."

"He never means it," Remus replied, softly. "It doesn't make any difference."

James continued frowning, and then ventured, "What will I do? As Head Boy?"

Remus shrugged. "Whatever Head Boys generally do, I imagine. There's probably a list."

"I meant – I can't – you don't want me to – "

"Do your job? It would be nice if you did, actually."

There was a long pause while James digested this. When he finally spoke his voice was distant. "Why me, Remus?"

Remus smiled. "Because I failed the test. And you passed it."

"What?"

"I never managed to do enough. You saved him."

He could almost hear James trying to work out what he was talking about. "You mean Snape? But I wasn't trying to save him."

And that's why he will never forgive me. Remus sighed. James had been trying to save Remus and Sirius and himself. Severus Snape was the last person on James' list of priorities; it was just that saving everyone else required him to save Severus first. "You did it, didn't you? Maybe you meant it at the time. We'll never know."

He changed the subject. "On the bright side, how much do you want to bet that Lily made Head Girl?"

A faint, foolish smile began to bloom across James' features. "Oh."

"This is your big chance to prove that you're not as stupid and juvenile as she thinks you are." Remus grinned. "Cherish it."

.

As far as bad jokes went, Severus reflected, James Potter as Head Boy had to be near the top of the list. Slytherin was in an uproar – Potter was public enemy number two, right behind Black the class traitor; what was Dumbledore thinking? Remus Lupin was a sycophant and ineffective, but did Dumbledore have to choose one of the few people that were even worse? Why were both Head Boy and Girl this year Gryffindors, what had happened to house equality?

Severus shut his eyes and let the noise wash over him. What were you thinking, you old fool? Can't you see that this isn't winning you any supporters?

Still… at least it's not the werewolf. In fact, Lupin wasn't even a Prefect anymore. It had been a surprise – he'd expected Dumbledore to go right on with his little rigmarole, promoting his pet werewolf first as a Prefect and then as Head Boy. Pretending that Lupin was civilised, a tame werewolf, as though it were possible.

Does that mean it's lost favour with them? Did they finally realise that a monster can't be relied on?

What happened, for Potter to steal the place from under him like that?

Perhaps the Marauders were not nearly as united as they seemed to be. But Gryffindor internal politics was none of his business.

Potter as Head Boy. What difference does that make?

He rather suspected that the faculty had got rid of one delusion only to acquire another, and it made Severus want to throw up. Potter, who had got cold feet, who had come dashing into the tunnel to save only himself and his werewolf friend. And Dumbledore had thought that he was rescuing the enemy – isn't he noble – and rewarded him for it. Had he forgotten that Potter must have been in on it from the first? That if he hadn't helped plan this there would never have been a situation from which Severus needed to be rescued?

And now to be used as some kind of… stepping-stone…

He was why Potter was Head Boy now. Potter had saved him, symbolically reaching out to the enemy – it was so disgustingly saccharine – Dumbledore sincerely believed that Potter was the right choice for Head Boy.

Didn't he see that Potter was a bigoted fool who would do even less with his job than Remus Lupin had? This feat they were lauding him for had been incidental. It could have been anyone.

Except it was me.

Severus looked at the food and decided that he couldn't eat. He waited for dinner to end, and then pushed his chair back from the table and slipped out of the Great Hall.

It was only when he was outside, staying close to the shadows of the trees in case someone looked out of the Hall, that he remembered. Damn. The werewolf must have seen, and he will follow.

Remus Lupin. Who played the game so much better than Potter did, because he truly seemed to fancy himself a good person. Lupin participated just as enthusiastically in making his life hell as anybody else did, and then afterwards he would miraculously discover his conscience and apologise.

As though it helps. As though that would undo everything. As though it stops him from doing it again.

The Prefect's badge hadn't changed a thing. Lupin looked like he had a stomach ulcer, but the point was that he did nothing.

And when he did it was always too little, too late.

Severus blinked. Not that I ever needed him to come to my rescue. I did not need Potter. I never needed Lupin.

Lupin treated him as the subject of a random act of kindness, conveniently overlooking the fact that he was part of the cause in the first place. It helped soothe his conscience. I will not be a tool in this.

He had already been a tool in everything. Severus choked and retched onto the ground.

"Severus – "

Oh, good grief. He straightened up and wiped his sleeve across his mouth. Lupin was standing behind him, one hand half-outstretched, as if he'd wanted to help him up and then changed his mind. Good for him. I would have broken his arm.

Severus swallowed, and then smiled. "Oh. I see you can break the rules again?" Perhaps there was something he could use here; perhaps Potter really had stolen the place from under the werewolf, and he was hurting.

Lupin blinked, features immobile. Yes, the heavy irony had hit its mark well; the werewolf had broken the rules regardless of whether he was a Prefect, and they both knew it. "I never wanted the job."

It was unexpectedly galling. Of course you never wanted the job. You never wanted to have to feel guilty, did you? Are you glad to have lost it, then? Now you can go on the way you always did before. You don't have to think about not meeting expectations.

That's all you ever had to feel guilty about, isn't it? Not meeting expectations.

"Severus…" Lupin's gaze flicked across the ground, as if he knew how hopeless it was and still had to say it. That's what he's like. He knows it does nothing and still he dives headlong into apology, like a suicide. "I'm so sorry. I never meant – anything."

Severus had to bite his tongue to stop himself from screaming at him. Lupin couldn't be hurt like this; he could hit the werewolf and Lupin would consider it penance. That would be letting him off too lightly. With Lupin he had to slide the knife in under the ribs, and twist.

Severus breathed deeply, and when he spoke his voice was cool. "I believe you. My life was never worth anything to any of you. Was it?"

He should have made up something. Instead he'd spoken the truth, and it was a bitterly accurate observation.

"I… tried."

And it wasn't enough. He didn't need to say that; the evidence was all there, because Lupin was no longer a Prefect.

"Oy! Remus! Is that you?"

Potter. Severus stepped back instinctively into the shadows. Remus glanced at him, and then walked away. "James?"

"Well, I never. It's only your first day of not being a Prefect." Lily Evans, a little accusingly. "Professor Dumbledore told us to make sure everybody was where they were supposed to be. I didn't think the first person we'd catch would be you."

"I thought I heard you talking to somebody," James said, puzzled.

Remus shrugged. "Just me." He smiled. "Ten points off?"

James blinked. "But you're – "

"Ten points off," Lily agreed. "Learn, James."

"It's not fair, it's easy to be a Prefect when you're not one anymore."

"Head Boys," Remus admonished, "do not sulk. I'll see you, Lily. Keep an eye on him."

Lily made a face. "I wish it were you."

"Walking with you on the grounds on a dark night, all alone. James would kill me." Remus smiled. "And then it would be difficult to deduct points. Good night."

Severus watched him saunter back to the castle while Potter and Evans moved on. No doubt the werewolf believed that he had done him a favour.

He would probably have accepted Potter's offer of leniency, if Severus hadn't been watching.

Do you think that makes up for anything, Lupin?

The easy banter had got on his nerves, showed conclusively that Hogwarts had become Gryffindor territory.

Severus took a ragged breath. There was no longer a place for him here, or for any Slytherin.

End

Whenever I write Severus I really do feel like throwing up. The amount of bile and bitterness seething in his head makes my skin tingle. In my opinion Severus is insecure as hell and really wants people to care about him, only he'd never admit it to himself because it's, you know, disgustingly saccharine. He hates Remus for never stepping in to save him. Then he hates Remus for stepping in to save him because he realises that Remus doesn't do it for his sake but because Remus figures he had better do something. Then he hates Remus for reminding him that he ever needed saving. Then he hates himself for thinking all this in the first place.

Severus desperately needs to grow. If he doesn't, I think that someday he will die of being Severus Snape.