A/N: I don't know where the Owners Manual fiction originated but I know I didn't create it. I'm hoping to do a few more KAY!ERIK Manuals to include the Leroux and Gerard Butler versions. If time and authors permit, I might do certain versions of phanphic ERIKs too. Expect possible touch ups to this chapter and the others as new ideas pop up in my head.
Also, it came to my attention that another author has already written an ERIK GUIDE but I haven't read it yet so any comparisons between the two are purely coincidental. I beg MetaChi's pardon and hope she can forgive me.
Manual for KAY!ERIK
(Special Edition Kay ERIK)
Congratulations!
You are now the proud owner of a KAY!ERIK! Please peruse the following directions and warnings carefully to avoid a very painful death. :) Please note that Kay Inc. cannot be held responsible for failure to adhere to the following directives. Kay Inc. firmly states that the law of freewill prohibits you from placing any blame upon them should you fail to keep reading.
Technical Details:
Name: KAY!ERIK/The Phantom of the Opera/Angel of Music
Type: (Vaguely) Human Male
Date of Manufacture: 1831
Height: Specifics unknown, tall
Weight: Specifics unknown, skeletally light
Modal: KAY
a. Punjab lasso
b. Mask
c. Don Juan Triumphant
d. Coffin (Persian Cat basket)
e. Organ
d. Opium and/or Morphine
f. Red Death Masquerade Costume
Installation:
Your KAY!ERIK should come completely assembled and fully clothed in evening wear. If any part of his structure is missing please contact Kay Inc. and we will be happy to repair your model. WARNING: Please do not remove your KAY!ERIK modal's mask even to check for flaws.
The KAY!ERIK modal inevitably arrives after dark no matter when shipping occurs. We at Kay Inc. regret to inform you that this is an unavoidable phenomenon. In any case, most KAY!ERIK models have proven to be generally nocturnal so you may find that in order to interact with your KAY!ERIK you may have to change your sleeping patterns.
Your KAY!ERIK model prefers a damp dark habitat. Cellars containing large underground lakes are preferable but regrettably hard to come by. In this case, your KAY!ERIK model is perfectly capable of fending for himself; he will find a place to live on his own. Please do not be alarmed if one day you reach for the dish soap and find him under your sink.
NOTE: There have been reports of KAY!ERIK arriving along with a CHRISTINE model. This is a common glitch that Kay Inc. has been endeavoring to prevent but still happens often enough. If your KAY!ERIK does indeed arrive with a CHRISTINE model consider CHRISTINE a freebie as separating the two once they are together has proven nearly impossible. If you are certain that you cannot handle a CHRISTINE model (For instance, if you yourself intend to woo your KAY!ERIK model.) please contact Kay Inc. and we will provide you with a RAOUL model. Be prepared for certain mishaps like falling chandeliers. We regret to inform you that if your RAOUL model is disabled beyond repair by your KAY!ERIK model he does not come with a warranty and you will NOT be sent a replacement.
Operating Procedure:
Your KAY!ERIK has been designed to perform a number of tasks both every-day and extraordinary. He is responsive to both spoken and unspoken forms of communication. He speaks and understands multiple languages including but not limited to French, English, and Arabic. Please keep in mind that the word "responsive" doesn't always mean he will obey you. If you are a child, a helpless woman, or happen to be the Persian Daroga, though, there is an increase in probability of about 50 that he will work to your whims. If you are, inexplicably, a CHRISTINE DAAE modal, there is a 100 chance he will do as you bid.
WARNING: Before powering your KAY!ERIK model up it is imperative that you have at least one hand at the level of your eye. There have been reports of some KAY!ERIK models arriving in Homicidal! mode. Kay Inc. takes no responsibility should your KAY!ERIK model's first action be to Punjab you. In any case, it is best to step back and allow him to make the first move.
All KAY!ERIK models are amazingly adept at nearly any task you set before them. However, they have six main functions as specified below.
Musician: KAY!ERIK models practically ooze musicality (and sexuality at that) and you are welcome to present them with any instrument of your choosing although they prefer item (e).
Composer: Your KAY!ERIK is an ingenious composer. In order to work at his best he needs item (e) and item (c.) WARNING: It is advised that you distance yourself from KAY!ERIK when he is audibly working on item (c) as physical, mental, and spiritual violation may occur.
Singer: All KAY!ERIK models were built with a special voice mechanism of such power that it may be considered dangerous. However, if you are on your KAY!ERIK model's "list of non-annoying people", a child, or a vocal prodigy-in-waiting you are invited to take full advantage of this function's positive aspects.
Assassin: While Kay Inc. does not support assassination; your KAY!ERIK is an adept and very effective assassin. He works best with item (a) but has been known to make due with whatever is available being the resourceful type. Kay Inc. takes no responsibility for the possible consequences of this function, which include but are not limited: to the betrayal of your lackies, your entire house being blown sky high, or large objects falling from the ceiling.
Architect: The KAY!ERIK modal is a master architect. His credits include a palace in Persia and the numerous hidden features of a famous Opera House in Paris. However, while he works well on the grandiose level he is also quite capable of notching up small play things for any dying children you have lying about the house.
Magician/Entertainer: The KAY!ERIK model has often been credited as the world's finest magician. His abilities extend to ventriloquism, inventing, and sleight of hand. He's great at parties provided you don't mind the mysterious disappearance and probable death of your more irritable guests.
Gypsy Doctor: KAY!ERIK is great for the passing illness or physical injury. Should you be poisoned, however, it is advised that you seek professional help at once since all KAY!ERIK models find poison "icky" and don't make study of it.
Ghost: All KAY!ERIK models are highly equipped to haunt the shadows of your house. He's great for scaring away over-due guests or annoying Spanish divas. Or he can make your house the perfect place for a spooky Halloween party providing you don't invite nosy sceneshifters. Try combining him with item (f) for best results.
Interaction With Other Models:
Your KAY!ERIK has been installed with 6 modes of interaction. They are:
Angsty/Depressed!
Homicidal!
Snarky/Friendly!
Lovesick!
Crazy As All Heck!
Angel/Stalker!
In order to decrease the amount of lawsuits, Kay Inc. recently changed KAY!ERIK model's default mode from its normal Angsty/Depressed to Snarky/Friendly! In this state he can be unbearably cynical but he is mostly harmless. It is recommended that any inexperienced users try to maintain the Snarky/Friendly! mode and only allow the Angel/Stalker mode to occur if they own a CHRISTINE DAAE model but not the RAOUL model or if they are willing to spend an eternity living with their KAY!ERIK model.
KAY!ERIK modals are unsociable by nature of their upbringing. However, they usually get along well with MADAME GIRY models, NADIR models (Known as THE PERSIAN model in France), and REZA models. KAY!ERIK models adore CHRISTINE DAAE models but their adoration inevitably switches KAY!ERIK into a preprogrammed pattern of modes. It begins with Angel/Stalker, becomes Lovesick, leads to Angsty/Depressed, and finally becomes a mixture of the Homicidal! and Crazy As All Heck! modes. Because of this it is strongly recommended that you never expose your KAY!ERIK to a CHRISTINE model unless you're willing to either a.) Make up excuses to the police to cover up multiple deaths and large falling crystal objects or b.) lose the both of them for good.
KAY!ERIK is NOT compatible with the RAOUL model nor the CARLOTTA model. Never leave KAY!ERIK alone with the above mentioned models as the complete annihilation of both is usually immanent.
WARNING: All KAY!ERIK models are prone to sudden violent mood swings. Should be switch into Homicidal! or Crazy As All Heck, mode LEAVE the room immediately or risk a horrific death.
FAQ:
Q: Can I take off my KAY!ERIK's mask?
A: Nooooo! Nonononono! No. Not unless you wish to die horribly OR in the rare instance that he agrees. However, it is suggested that you not bring it up and only talk about his mask if your KAY!ERIK mentions it first.
Q: Well, what is under my KAY!ERIK model's mask?
A: This is a delicate subject and Kay Inc. regrets to inform you that they fear too much for their lives to disclose this information to the public.
Q: My KAY!ERIK smells like death, is there anything I can do about this?
A: Short of spraying him down with air-freshener every half hour, (This is NOT recommended, by the way, as it may switch your KAY!ERIK into Homicidal! mode.) no. Not really. Most users find they get used to the smell after a while.
Q: I have a pet, will my KAY!ERIK model get along with him/her?
A: Yes. Your KAY!ERIK model has a special affinity for animals and will treat them with love and respect. On a similar note, KAY!ERIK models are usually great with children as well. Try letting him entertain at your child's birthday party. Just don't let him near your children if they're very sick as KAY!ERIK modals have been known to deal a 'mercy stroke' to certain sick children.
Q: Why is my KAY!ERIK sleeping in a coffin?
A: It's not a coffin; it's a cat basket. And if it WERE a coffin maybe he's a bit cynical and it carried over from his days as a "Living Corpse."
Q: How can I get my KAY!ERIK to like me?
A: Never inquire about his mask. In fact, pretend it doesn't exist. Give him his space when he wants it and item (d) when he gets ornery. It helps to have a sense of humor. Gradually you will earn your KAY!ERIK's trust but remember that all is lost if a CHRISTINE DAAE model is introduced. OR you may purchase secret item (g) the PHANPHICTION item from Kay Inc. In which case you may do whatever you like with your KAY!ERIK (smother him in chocolate, play with face paints, cook him breakfast in bed) though all other PHANs may end up hating you.
Trouble Shooting:
Problem: You go to use the bathroom and find your KAY!ERIK leaning over spewing blood into your bathtub.
Solution: Your KAY!ERIK has been poisoned. Give him bed rest and plenty of water. KAY!ERIK models were built out of very durable materials and it is most likely that your model will survive. NOTE: Having the NADIR and REZA modals drastically improves your KAY!ERIK model's chances of survival.
Problem: My KAY!ERIK is stuck in Lovesick! mode and shows signs of moving on to Angsty/Depressed! mode.
Solution: You dolt! Remove all CHRISTINE models from the room! If the situation worsens, return the CHRISTINE model and remove all RAOUL models from the room. Expect to never see either again.
Try to keep your KAY!ERIK model away from any possibly hazardous materials or objects keeping in mind that your KAY!ERIK model has been programmed with the unique ability to make nearly any object lethal. If all else fails: RUN!
Problem: My KAY!ERIK only wears a small white mask and likes to sing eighties rock ballads.
Solution: You've accidentally been issued the GERIK model, not the KAY model. You may send him back to Kay Inc. for a full refund but it has been found that most owners (even accidental ones) become very fond of the GERIK modal. Some of them even want to marry him.
Problem: I'm experiencing long periods of fogged memories including mirrors and passageways OR I think my wooden statue is talking to me
Solution: Your KAY!ERIK model is equipped with a voice mechanism capable of hypnotic qualities. Most likely he's bending you to his will either because he wants something from you or he's hopelessly enamored with you. Trying buying some earplugs. Or, in the case of mirrors and passageways, let him seduce you. :)
Problem: My KAY!ERIK is experiencing pain and seizures.
Solution: Kay Inc. regrets to inform you that as your model ages he may develop a frail health. His health may be prolonged if you keep him out of all stressful situations or you can buy the recently available PHANPHICTION item from Kay Inc. which creates a plot hole thereby saving your KAY!ERIK's life and sometimes making him fall madly in love with you or another nondescript Christine look-alike/relative/love child. There have been reports of the PHANPHICTION item rendering the KAY!ERIK unrecognizable and in extreme cases, love sick over RAOUL models.