A/N:

This was a ffic challenge I read on the ADMM proboards. Someone else had already completed it, but I liked the suggested lines and elements so much, I decided to do one of my own. I think I mentioned everything on the list! No, wait, missed the Maurader's Map...but got everything else:). The lines that had to be used are highlighted, and the challenge also involved including the ghosts, knee socks, and Minerva-as-a-cat, and of course it had to be ADMM.

Written shortly after Order of the Phoenix (book) was released, so not canon-compliant after that.

-AL

Candy, Socks, and Blank Eyed Umbridge

Nicholas de Mimsy Porpington was floating down the stairs at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft of Wizardry one evening, having a very important conversation. To his left, the Bloody Baron hovered beside him, the silver bloodstains on his transparent shirt appearing somehow more ominous that usual. To Nicholas' right, the Fat Friar, a plump little man (well, little ghost) with a smile on his pale lips. Nick was the only one speaking, and had been for some time.

"And then, we can get Peeves to tip her desk, right upright, you know he unscrewed the chandelier the other day and he'll be up for it, ever since those Weasley twins did what they did—"

By this point the Bloody Baron decided he'd had enough of the Gryffindor ghost's plan, and was all set to (metaphorically) rain on Nearly-Headless Nick's parade. He opened his mouth to interrupt, when a sudden CRASH erupted from the very office they had been planning to set the poltergeist on: The Headmistress's.

Not that most people really considered Delores Umbridge the headmistress, but technically the title was hers, and had been since the abrupt departure of Dumbledore. The Ministry, fearing that the wizard was still in contact (and being fully supported by) his Deputy Headmistress, decided to ignore protocol and appoint the DADA teacher to the position.

"What now?" gasped the Fat Friar, startled by the sudden ruckus.

"This school is falling apart!" declared the Bloody Baron.

"Good evening, all!" A fourth voice added itself to the 'conversation.' The ghosts turned in mid-air to see the Deputy Headmistress herself, Minerva McGonagall.

Nick and the Friar greeted her warmly, whereas the Baron simply questioned, "What in the name of Salazar Slytherin is happening here?"

"Oh," said Minerva, with a look of obviously feigned concern, "It appears that our new head of school is having a bit of difficulty adjusting. I suspect another Niffler has made its way into her office… or perhaps Peeves simply got around to fixing the legs of her desk as I asked him to. I suspect that could have been the crash. Poor dear."

Even the Bloody Baron had the tiniest hint of a smile on his face in response.

"Tell us, Professor," began Nicholas. "When can we expect Dumbledore back? Soon, I hope!"

"Not soon enough, I'm afraid," she replied with a sigh. This time, the concern evident by her expression was most certainly sincere. "I worry that... that... well…" She sighed again, more deeply this time. "The outcome does not look so positive for him at the moment, but I am sure..."

"Outcome? For whom?" A high pitched, angry, terribly girly voice interjected.

Minerva grit her teeth. "I think you know of whom we were speaking, Delores."

"Ah, yes, Albus Dumbledore, am I right? Well, I hate to burst your little bubbles, but I think it is very safe to state that that man will never return to this school as Headmaster… or in any other form, for that matter!" The puffed up little toad wriggled her shoulders as she spoke. Minerva wanted to take her by them and shake her. "And if you are worried about what will become of him after the Ministry finds him, well, you should be!"

"Oh, I'm not worried," the Friar assured her. "Professor Dumbledore always ends up on top."

"Not always, he doesn't," Minerva said before she could stop herself.

"That's quite right!" Delores exclaimed, obviously missing Minerva's double entendre. "And this will be one of those times in which he certainly does not 'come out on top!'"

"Excuse me, Professor," said Nicholas, floating further down the stairs until he was right in front of her. "I must be going." He tipped his head to her, and flew off…

Right through her.

The Baron and Friar followed, and Minerva allowed herself a moments pleasure as she watched the vile woman's face… It is not a pleasant experience, having a ghost float through you, as Minerva had learned quite accidentally during her second year of teaching.

Umbridge shivered and turned her attentions back to McGonagall, though she was hardly as focused as before. "If I learn that you…anyone in this castle… is helping him… speaking with him… I can use Veritaserum on you, Professor!"

"And I can fight the effects," Minerva countered, sounding far more confident than she felt.

"I will find him, Minerva McGonagall!" Umbridge turned to leave.

"I have errands to run," Minerva called after her. "I will return to Hogwarts shortly."

Umbridge swiveled around. "Leaving? I think not!"

"Oh, but I think so. Good night, Delores." She turned herself into a tabby cat and bounded agily down the stairs.

"Not a chance!" exclaimed Delores, pointing her wand at the cat, sending a Petrificus Totalus. In response, the cat jumped up on the banister and hissed. Delores continued to aim her wand at the cat, who did not move, but rather caught the eye of someone behind the short, fat woman.

"Turn yourself human again this instant, or I'll turn you into a... into a... into a toad!"

The cat rolled her yellow eyes a let out a bored sounding "mew." She then spotted someone else coming up behind Umbridge, and sat a little straighter upon the bannister. This time, her "Meow!" was much brighter.

"Last warning or I'll do it!"

"Ah, but that would not be advisable..." said the person who had captured the cat's attention.

Delores again spun around so quickly she nearly lost her balance.

"Albus Dumbledore, back in the castle, and right under my very nose! What do you mean by—"

"All I meant was," began Albus, "You might not want to point that wand at her like that. If you rub a cat the wrong way, she won't like you. They are very temperamental creatures…" He paused, then added with a slightly devilish look in his blue eyes, "Or so I've heard."

"Oh, this is too, too wonderful!" The woman let loose a high pitched giggle that made one of the cat's ears twitch. "When the Minister hears of this!"

"He will not hear of this." Minerva had transformed back into a human and was making her way to Albus' side, pushing past Umbridge as if she wasn't there at all.

"That's right," agreed the wizard. "He will not. Ever so sorry, Delores." Without word, wand, or warning, Albus twitched his hand ever so slightly, and Delores' eyes went just a little blank.

He had modified her memory.

And the charm he used was powerful.

"Coming my dear?" asked Albus, leading Minerva away from the plump little woman in pink. She was now muttering to herself and looking disoriented.

"I'd like to be," said Minerva, and the hidden meaning was not lost on Albus as it had been on Umbridge.

"Fear not," he assured Minerva, ignoring this quip (though his eyes twinkled). "She will be back to her usual self in a few short minutes."

"Transform, will you, Albus? I will meet you in your room."

"Sorry, Min, not possible."

"Excuse me?" She raised an eyebrow at him and he smiled.

"What I mean to say is, I need to go to your chambers. You see, I've returned because I left a pair of my favorite socks—"

"You risked everything to return to the castle for a pair of socks that you left in MY room?"

"My red and yellow knee-socks. You know I love them! Though not as much as some of the castle's other… er… fixtures." He slid an arm around her waist.

"I will meet you there." She assured him, though she looked a little annoyed. Risking Azkaban over a pair of socks! That man. "Transform, though, won't you? Do not be seen."

With that, she became a cat again and bounded up the stairs. Smiling, Albus transformed as well, into an almost complete unnoticeable little bumblebee, which floated up after the cat.

"Here kitty, kitty, kitty!" Delores called after Minvera when she saw her bounding up the stairs. "Nice kitty…"

Once they reached the safety of her chambers, Minerva did not know whether she wanted to kiss him or throttle him. But he knew exactly what he wanted to do.

"Minerva," she heard his voice say softly from somewhere close behind her. She closed her eyes and began to count to ten, but at number four she felt his arms sliding around her waist. Despite her anger about his recklessness she could not help but relax comfortably (and happily) against him.

"Albus, what you did was very, very stupid, you know that don't you?" It would be so much easier to scold him if he would stop nuzzling her neck for just a moment.

"Mm-hmm," he replied, and gently kissed her neck, right where it met her shoulder. He had to push her robe off the shoulder ever-so-slightly to do so, and she nearly shivered from his touch. It had been... some time.

"You might have been seen by someone else, by the students or Fudge himself, he's been here a few times, or Percy Weasley or Hermione Granger or Neville Longbottom..."

"What does Neville Longbottom have to do with anything anyway?" He replied, continuing his familiar assault on her sensitive skin.

"Stop it, Albus Dumbledore, or I am going to kill you."

He turned her around and pulled her towards him. "Kill me, will you? Well, I suppose that could be fun too. How will you do it?"

He kissed her lightly on the lips and she smiled despite her attempt to remain some semblance of foreboding and maturity.

"First I will hex you into a state of semi-consiousness."

He kissed her again, a little longer this time. "I like it so far. And then?"

"And then I will beat you senseless."

He grinned, and placed another kiss on her lips, but was suddenly interrupted by another voice, from behind him.

"Oh, really? Just how often do you beat him?" It was Poppy Pomfrey, the school nurse! Albus turned to see the medi-witch trying to hold back a smile.

"I was referring to chess." Minerva stated defiantly, standing up as straight as she could and smoothing an imaginary wrinkle in her robe.

"Yes, of course you were." Poppy laughed, and Albus would have too, but unfortunately even the most fearless wizard in the world was not quite brave enough to anger Minerva.

"I was just dropping in, Minerva," Poppy continued, her eyes sparkling, "To inquire about Delores Umbridge's condition. She wandered down to my ward rather... disoriented. But now I think I see why... Needed a few minutes alone with your Deputy Headmistress, Dumbledore?" Poppy grinned wickedly as she said the word 'headmistress,' and Minerva could feel her self blushing. "In the future, lock the door."

"It's really not like that at all, Poppy! Albus was just here to check on the school, and to...to make sure..."

"No worries, Minerva!" Poppy assured her. "I don't care what you do, as long as I get paid."

"And paid you shall get," Albus replied, that twinkle in his blue eyes entirely too clear in Minerva's opinion. She felt herself blushing even further. "Do not worry about Delores. She will be fine shortly. But do try and keep her away from the students, will you? I see no cause to alarm them by the notion she might be ill in the head."

"You mean no cause to prove to them what they already know, don't you, sir?" asked Poppy innocently. Before the pair could respond, she waved and exited.

"Good night, Professors. Lock the door!"

Several hours later, Minerva awoke to see Albus fastening his robe. Whistling to himself, he sat on the edge of her bed and pulled on his socks... his red and yellow knee socks.

"Albus Dumbledore!" she exclaimed. He jolted.

"Yes?"

"You were wearing those socks all the time! You lied to me!" She sat up and tried to look angry at him, but frankly, she was rather tired still.

"Oh?" He feigned a look of surprise. "So I did! Here they are! How silly of me!"

"Albus..."

"Okay, Minerva, dear. You caught me. I actually came back to the castle for something much sweeter, something I missed very, very much."

"Oh, Albus..."

He leaned past her and picked up a small tin on the edge of her bedside table. With a grin, he explained: "My Sherbet Lemons."

She bopped him playfully on the center of his chest. "Albus Dumbledore, I ought to beat you for that one too!" she announced, to which he, grinning, replied:

"Would you?"