This Time
I held forever in a night when you held me in your arms. And when I looked upon the sun rising I realized you were gone. And there was no room for a miracle, no room for a question of faith. I cried the tears, cried with the realization that my life was now a prison. You've always been beautiful.
Have you always been a bastard?
I fell in love with you that night. Did you even notice? Did you notice the blood rushing to my lips as I kissed you? The slight flush in my cheeks as I stared up at you?
Or was I just another lover? Another night of meaningless sex? Another one of your whores? Was there a miscommunication? I thought when you called me beautiful you meant it. I thought that perhaps the words coming out of your mouth were truth this time.
This time.
The words echo like footfalls in darkness.
I hold the pillow tightly to keep from sobbing. I thought the same thing last time. And the time before that. And the time before that. Maybe if I keep thinking it the words will become truth.
Could you learn to love me?
But even as I think the words, desperately searching for a meaning for my wasted life, the wasted moments spent intwined with you, together as one. I've wasted all of those moments searching for one that can never happen. I know it even as I know you will return tonight to pick up the pieces of my scattered on the floor. You will put them back together with the profane poetry that pours from your lips. You will put me back together only to break me down again.
You will be today. I will be tomorrow.
I ain't got no claim to nothing.
I don't mess with anyone.
I walk my way living in a masquerade.
And one day i looked behind me at all the things i've done.
That's the 1st mistake i ever made.
I lost forever the night he held you in his arms. I sat up the entire night with a glass of bourbon in one hand, waiting for the sunrise. Maybe then you would awake to realize he was gone and return to me. And there was no room for a miracle, no room for a question of faith. I breathed for a moment, breathed for you. What would come of this? You've always been beautiful.
Have you always been broken?
I was in love with you. Did you even notice? Did you notice the tears standing in my eyes and I fought with you? My shaking voice as I begged you not to go?
Or was I just another voice to you? You who spent most of your life trying so hard not to follow others' orders. You who refused to listen to those who only wanted what was best. You knew so much, yet nothing at all. I thought perhaps you would hear the truth this time.
This time.
The words echo like footfalls in darkness.
I clutch the glass tightly to keep from swearing. There was a lover before this. And another one before that. It was always the same. I begged you to stay, begged you to remain intact for a night. Maybe if I keep begging you'll listen to me for once.
Could you remain unbroken?
But as I think the words, searching for a meaning in your actions, for a meaning in the wasted nights of sex and lies. You've wasted so much time searching for a love that you will never find in a stranger's bed. A meaning you will never find in the curses and angry words they give you. I know it even as I know I will return to you and help you pick up the pieces, though you never realize it. He will break you tomorrow and I will return to catch your tears and keep you from screaming, cursing, wanting to end it all. I will put you back together, only to do it once again.
You will be the night. I will be the dawn.
With a million hearts i've broken.
I never kept the score.
Memories of good love hate to stay.
But i still remember someone who loved me so much more.
That's the 1st mistake i ever made.
I lost forever the night he held you in his arms. I wiped at my stinging eyes, waiting for the sun to set. Maybe then he would return to me, his heart might not remain in your grasp. And there was no room for a miracle, no room for a question of faith. I sobbed for a moment, sobbed with the realization that I loved one who did not love me back. Wasted affection. What would come of my life. You've always been beautiful.
Has he always loved you?
He is in love with you. Do you even notice? Do you notice how his eyes light up when he sees you? Do you notice how his heart speeds up when you say you need him? How you receive all I wish I could have? Do you?
Or is just another wasted moment? Another moment you take for granted? You who spend your days with the love I crave. You who spend the nights getting broken by men who don't give a damn about you. Why do you desire what you don't need and ignore that which I so desperately crave? Why do you need both? I thought you would know the truth by this time.
This time.
The words echo like footfalls in darkness.
I hug myself tightly to keep from screaming. I think this every time he goes to you. There was a time before this. And a time before that. It's always the same. I need him to love me and you need him for nothing. But he fails to see anything except his own desire.
Could he learn to love me?
But even as I think the words, searching for a future between your emotions and his, I know it will continue and I know it will be a dead end. You've wasted so much time in a stranger's bed. He's wasted so much time dragging you from it. You take all the curses they give you and treasure them like jewels. You take all the love that pours to you from his lips and let it fall short of making a mark. He will fix you now and another man will break you tonight. He will return to fix you tomorrow. And again and again.
He will be the stars. You will be the sun. And I will be the moon, your silhouette.
So, when nothing's worth the living and in the night i look above.
Prayed, about a million times i prayed.
I know my story ended when i lost my only love.
That's the 1st mistake i ever made.
The song is property of the BeeGees. 'The First Mistake I Ever Made'