Chapter 4

Lament

When I saw your face at the end of my eternity I realized what mistakes I'd made before I'd started out on this journey. When fate and souls intertwine, pain is the only outcome a love like ours can truly share. But this fate and this love, is what I've cherished……

I'd managed to take off on my own. I felt lost. That morning we all went to church, it was a small congregation. I'd hardly gone to church back home and realized how little it affected me. I was a "wondering soul" who got mixed up in the poisons of my generation. Decadence masked by pleasure and intoxicants. And liquid courage found at the bottom of a bottle labeled 50proff (not healthy I'm sure). I found no solace bound in a thick black cover, paper, and words too small to read.

Walking by myself felt good, I got sick of being around Heero and his friends. They were like a bunch of kids, though to be honest I admire the fact that they can still be young in all aspects. It's like staying in that sort of mind frame somehow shields you from everything that knowledge could possibly hurt you with.

I found myself at the place Heero and his friends usually hung out at, where he had that bon fire. I stood near the big rock I had sat on with Eb, leaning against it I could feel the heat from the sun radiating from it. Could you say, too much in so little amount of time? Not even halfway through my summer vacation and it seemed like such a long time had passed. Though, that could just be because like almost nothing happens here. Of course nothings not including Duo……..

God I've had so many dirty dreams since the other day ago I feel like a pervert. The things I want to do to him, poor Heero, it still makes me laugh. He was subject to an inopportune site of me last night in the bedroom, but what the hell he was doing coming home at two in the morning after saying he'd be staying at Case's is beyond me. The jerk had the most shocked expression on his face you'd ever see. Two seconds later he was sputtering and looking away trying to hide his embarrassment. Little that did because his mom came into the room and saw Heero, the open window,…….and me… Could we say awkward?

Needless to say we had quite the lecture; I wanted to laugh so hard. She thought me and Heero were….well experimenting, saying: "Not that anything's wrong with experimenting it's just you two are cousins." Heero kept trying to say otherwise and all I did was grin. Eventually though Heero got his point across by sharing something I really didn't need to know about his sex life. Man Heero's a perv, he had so many dirty magazines it wasn't even funny. His mom sighed in relief and told me it would probably be in my best interest to do that sort of stuff in a locked bathroom.

"I wonder….." I went over to one of the trees and tried climbing it. Struggling a bit I managed to make it up the semi tall tree, albeit with some scratches on my palms but I did it on my own. The view from there was absolutely wonderful.

XXX

Halfway through my little escape I ran into Duo. We ventured off to the secluded lake and sat in the sun. Color tinted leaves slowly drifted off the trees in a soft breeze by us. Duo was sitting between my legs with his back pressed against my chest. He's the most cutest person I've ever laid my eyes upon in my life

"I'm gonna miss you, Trowa." said Duo wistfully.

"What?" I looked down a bit so that I could see into his eyes.

"Well," he said moving so that he was sitting up facing me. "you said you'd only be here till the leaves started to turn brown. An' since it's getting colder now, that means…that means you'll be…..leaving." his eyes were downcast and he was fiddling with the chain dangling from my belt.

"Duo….." I slowly lifted my head and stared at him directly in the eyes and realized how sad both of us were going to be by the end of my stay.

"I'll still be here though, always. You'll come back again I know it." he grabbed hold of my hand and hugged it.

"Yeah, I will Duo." I smiled sadly. I really didn't like the somber tone of this conversation. I guess seriousness always made me feel uncomfortable, never one to deal well with any sort of conflict or serious matter. "Lets do something Duo."

"Like what?" he sat up.

"Something, anything, just as long as we're doing it together." we got up and walked off together.

I'd gone quickly back to the house to pick up some jackets for us to wear and a change of clothes. Lucky for me, my aunt and uncle weren't home when I ran in rummaging through anything and everything quick as hell. I wanted to dress Duo up so much; I mean it's obvious how absolutely beautiful he'd look really cleaned up. When I got back to where Duo was we took off back to where the hotel was. I changed clothes and asked Duo if he wanted to try on the clothes I brought for him.

"Um….." he turned his head slightly looking at the shirt in his hand, while I brought out a brush for his hair. "Do you think it'd fit?"

"I think so, I looked through all my drawers. Those were the only things I could find that looked like they would." I undid his hair and started running the brush through it.

"Mm that feels nice." he'd closed his eyes. We were sitting on the floor in an empty room, the only sound we could hear was ourselves.

I'd finished doing Duo's hair and now he was changing while I stared out the window looking out at the ocean. Would Duo always be here like he said? It did seem that at this point that he'd have no future if he was never going to make contact with anyone other than me. He'd be here waiting every summer for me, alone with no one else to keep him company. I don't want that for him.

"How do I look, Trowa?" I turned my head, he wasn't wearing anything fancy just a pair of jeans and a black fitting t-shirt. "Trowa?"

I got up and wrapped my arms around him. "You look absolutely breathtaking, Duo." and he did.

XXX

Much later that evening I'd gone into the store and bought some food for me and Duo to eat for dinner. It wasn't much, some bread, cheese, thinly sliced ham, juice, and a small bag of fruit. After I'd met back up with him we walked together in silence just holding hands as we headed for the beach area to eat. We'd started a small fire beside the huge rock and I made us some simple sandwiches. I'd never been on a date, but I'm sure this constituted as one. We sat there for hours listening to the ocean.

Just as I was about to get more wood for the fire Duo stopped me and threw sand on top of the fire. He peered around the rock and stood there for a few minutes and watched. I couldn't hear a thing, but every time I tried to peer over Duo's shoulder he'd gently nudge me back and tell me to shush. Suddenly I heard someone laugh and Duo quickly grabbed my hand and we took off in a sprint.

We ended up in front of the two story house I'd been throwing rocks at not too long ago with Heero. It all seemed like such a wonderful dream. Duo held on to my slim warm palm and pushed the door open. I could see moonlight pouring through every available surface it could. He smiled, Duo was glancing back at me and pulled us up the stairway. The floor boards creaked with every heavy foot step we took. I felt excited and nervous at the same time and had no idea why. But then again I always felt this way around Duo.

We finally made it to one of the rooms and just laid down on a huge mound of blankets that apparently Duo knew would be there. For a while I lay with my head on his lap as he just ran his fingers through my bangs. It sort of just came to me one day that Duo liked playing with them.

"Duo." my voice came out in a whispered tone.

"Hm-mm?" he smiled down at me.

Without really thinking about it my hands slid up to cup his face in my hands. Gently I lead his face down to mine. His lips were soft against mine. He moved and was on his side. I slid my arms around him. I think the only thing I find strange about this is that he's not the least bit perturbed by what we're doing. I can feel his lips move down to my neck and know that even though it's cold outside I'll never be cold with him setting me on fire this way.

"Hey Duo?" I gasped out.

"What?" he mumbled.

"Do you even understand what we're doing?"

"Yeah, I've watched." I can't help but laugh at the thought of him spying on random couples. "Whatso funny?" he looks at me with a confused expression.

"You're so adorable." I smile up at him and bring his lips to meet mine again.

Eventually I find myself on top and slowly placing kisses every where skin is reveled. Duo's sliding his hands up my shirt and pulls it off me. I can't help but admit I love this side of him. I want to unlock the mystery that is Duo. I need to. I pull down the zipper on the jacket and slide both the jacket and the shirt off his slim body. He looks so vulnerable, but also, I can see a look in his eyes. Like he's been waiting so long for someone to fill a void in him that he hadn't realized was there. I want to be there for him. Need to. Small puffs of white breath causing our bodies to shiver in the cold summer night air light shining, dust sparking like glitter caught in a constant drifting wind, hands on skin, trembling, heat…..everywhere.

Morning found us. I'm not sure if everyone feels this way after making love for the first time, but somehow I feel different. Even though I know absolutely nothing has changed, expect for the fact that I'm no longer a virgin. Last night had been beyond anything I could have ever imagined; Duo beneath me, clutching to my shoulders. I've got scratch marks to prove it. I never thought it would ever have been good, but then again, I'm sure it's because of the way I feel for Duo that made it what it was.

XXX

Later that afternoon Duo was laying on top of me, of course that morning we took a dive in the lake to clean off. We talked about the things I'd done, seen, been, and then I asked about him.

"This use to be my room." he got up and pulled me along with him out the room and into another. "This is my sisters' room. I drew that mouse 'cause she doesn't like 'em." he pulled me into another room, a smile on his face. "This is my two brothers' room and that room is my mom's and dad's room. We're not allowed to go in there."

"Duo, nobody's here but you….." I watched his face as he turned to face me.

"No, mom, dad, my brothers, and sisters are just never around when you are. I talk to them all the time." every part of me felt numb. Part of me wanted to run, the other felt ashamed. I walked over to Duo and wrapped my arms around him.

"I love you Duo, I want you to know that."

"You do?" he turned a bit and I could see he was smiling.

"I always will." I turned him completely around to face me. Wrapping my arms around his slight frame I kissed him. We walked downstairs together and I noticed a car driving up to the house.

"It's your cousin." he said leaning against me as we passed a window.

"I'd better go before they see you." Duo pulled me against him one last time and kissed me. When we parted lips I clutched to him desperately for a second and whispered into his ear. "I'm so sorry Duo."

XXX

I watched the clock that hung over the couch. Time seemed to come to a standstill as I recalled all the time I'd spent with Duo. His smile was etched into my memory, his taste lingered at the back of my pallet, and his scent seemed to be engraved on to my skin. It was like the very essence of his being was tattooed upon my soul. And in a sense wouldn't that mean part of him would always remain free?

"He needs help and I know I can't do that for him." I tried to keep my gaze from Heero, knowing he'd be giving me a look.

"So you're just going to sell him out?" asked Heero.

"I'm not selling him out! He needs help damnit!" I slammed my hands on the coffee table in front of me.

"Heero go to your room! Trowa settle down!" yelled my uncle.

"Trowa sweetie you do realize what you're telling us to do right?" my aunt gently placed her hand on my shoulder.

"Yes." my voice came out barely above a whisper.

"I'll go make a phone call then." my uncle left the room.

"You understand he's probably not going to admit himself willing." nobody in their right mind would, but, was Duo?

"I don't want to hurt him….."

"I know sweetie, I know."

This was by far the worst thing I ever had to do in my life. We decided that I should talk to Duo before we had Them come in and take him away. I'm still not exactly sure who my aunt and uncle called, but they'd said that they were going to help Duo. He deserves to have a normal life, and to have a normal life he needs people to teach him, tell him what happened to him, his family. Not live like a delusional child for the rest of his life.

They followed us in a black car as my aunt and uncle drove me over to the Cliffside where the Well was. I felt nervous all over and couldn't stop shifting in the back seat. The closer we got the more my stomach churned, I felt like running into the bathroom for several hours. When the car stopped I dropped my face in my hands and wished to God I'd not said anything. My chance at happiness and I ruin it. I started this and I didn't want to finish it, but even if I wanted to turn back now and change my mind there was no way these people would leave Duo here.

Lifting my face out of my hands I inhaled and held my breath for a few seconds or close to a minute. I was kind of hoping I'd pass out, but it didn't work, finally I just opened the door and got out. I could hear the sound of the dirt, dry grass, and gravel crunching beneath my feet so loud I thought my ears would bleed. I walked up to the Well and looked down it, the stone felt both cold and hot, like fire on ice. I took this as a bad sign personally. I called out Duo's name, but got no answer I assume he'd be out. But when I turned around and leaned against the Well I saw a shadow up in one of the top windows of the abandoned hotel.

Making a hand gesture to my aunt and uncle I walked over to the hotel and inside. I'd never felt so terrified in my life, Duo was up there, doing what I had no idea. It was so quite in here it made my ears hurt to the point I thought I'd gone deaf. The only thing I could hear was the sound of my heart beating in my chest, which really was more like a pounding in my head. I made it to the top floor and walked into the room with the only door that was open.

He was sitting at the window seat looking out at the ocean. If I could draw, or had a camera I would have saved that moment, and tucked it away somewhere no one else but me would know where to find it. Duo was leaned up against the wall and window, one hand poised in the act of tapping the slightly dirty glass. He turned his head the second I stepped into the room. He jumped up and literally threw himself at me; we landed on the old dusty floor.

"Trowa!" he had his lanky arms wrapped around me and buried his face in the crook of my neck. He shifted a little and lifted his head and looked me in the eyes then tilted his head slowly, smiled, and kissed me. It was still a bit awkward in some ways, but I loved it. I could feel his tongue brush against mine and it took everything in my body to not react.

"Duo, I need to, talk to you, about something." I managed to get out between gaps of kissing.

"What's wrong?" he sat up and crossed his legs looking at me curiously. His head turned slightly like a kitten seeing something weird for the first time.

I sat up, Duo sitting on my legs still, leaned my head against his with my eyes closed, and placed my hands on his shoulders. "There are some people out side I want you to meet. Good people."

"Good people." he echoed slowly.

"Yeah, I mean, at least that's what my aunt and uncle say. They want to help, Duo, make sure everything will be ok for you, take you somewhere and let you know things, they-" I started to tremble.

I tried so hard not to cry, but I just couldn't hold it back. He lifted my teared face and looked me straight in the eyes. "Do you want me to go with them Trowa?"

"I….I….Duo." I wrapped my arms around him and cried into the crook of his neck.

Duo stood up and slowly we walked out of the hotel with his arm around me. My aunt and uncle were sitting on the hood of their car; they turned their heads to us once they noticed us. My aunt had a shocked expression on her face and my uncle just had a sad smirk. This was it, that moment I'd been dreading, but Duo just calmly smiled at me.

"Trowa sweetie you need to let go of him now." said my aunt standing next to me.

"I can't." I was still crying into his shoulder.

"Trowa, say goodbye he has to go with them." said my uncle next to my aunt.

"Trowa it's ok, you said it was to help me. I don't know what for, but if you think it's good for me…….I can't say no." I suddenly looked up into his face; he had a serious but caring look about his features. His voice was much more somber then I ever remembered it being before.

"I did this, I'm sorry. I made this happen. If I could make it all go away I would Duo. I don't want you to go away, don't go away……please don't hate me, I couldn't take it if you did." I was crying even harder now, still clutching to Duo.

"Trowa, you've made me the happiest person in the world." he had his arms around me, enveloping me in his slim body.

"How?" I gasped out. They had dragged us over to the black car.

"You're the first person to cry for me." I could feel my heart skip a beat. I'd let go of him from the shock of his comment and they were orchestrating him into the car.

And in that moment I saw all our time spent together being sucked away. Like a vortex had manifested itself out of nowhere and decided that everything that had meant something no longer mattered. Somehow, I wanted all of this to become the only moments I ever felt horrified about. If one day someone was to hold a gun to my head, it wouldn't matter, nothing could scare me more then the loss of Duo's presence. Without much thought, I leapt forward into the passenger side seat and desperately kissed Duo one last time as gently and passionately as I could possibly muster from the bottom of my soul.

XXX

When the morning wore into afternoon and Heero and I were in the bedroom, he sat on my bed and asked me about Duo. Apparently Heero and his friends had followed us over to the hotel; me and Duo were nothing but an odd spectacle to them, some sort of entertainment because they had nothing else better to gawk at.

"You didn't listen to me before, but suddenly you want to know about him? Fuck You!" I tried kicking him off my bed.

"Will you fucking cut that out? What I want to know is……….last night- I'd been out with my friends and saw you go into that two-story abandoned house with someone. Was that him?"

"Yeah."

"Did you guys-?"

"……..yeah we did."

"Don't you feel guilty?"

"It isn't fair, I don't understand why this all had to happen. Things could have gone so greatly if I just hadn't said anything, it's just not fair Heero, it's not fair…." he ended up leaving me alone again and I continued sitting there by myself in the dark confinements of my room hating myself for being so stupid. I thought I'd be helping Duo by telling someone about him. But I all did was have him taken away.

I honestly don't know what to do with myself, I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and then, I couldn't help it. I felt uncomfortable with myself and just buried my face in my pillow and cried. I didn't care how pathetic I sounded any more, what I did was unforgivable. I wish I could take it back now. When I woke up after crying myself to sleep I decided I'd pack. I just want to go home now. I want nothing to do with this place anymore, it only hurts. I hurt the person I fell in love with and now I deserve to die.

I reached underneath the bed to grab my suit case when my hand hit something. It was that notebook I'd found in the old hotel by the ocean cliffside. Sitting cross legged I shifted through the torn scattered pieces. The entire thing was almost completely blank except for one page in the back that read:

Heaven fell on herself tonight
As the devil met me in the wishing well
And in that moment I found myself knowing
That in the end it's just about you and me
Nothing smaller or larger
Though dragons are good for the soul
Nothing can be better than baring yourself for another...
Open for scrutiny, ridicule, and indulgence
Therein lies the balls, and the mind, and the heart...
As fear is truly the Mindkiller...
When nothing is left...
Everything is gained...
You see I wish I was a poet
But I know as we go round and round
Though endings are never ever happy
It's the happy moments along the way
That in the end
Make it...ok...

XXX

Later that day I walked out to the cliff side where the abandoned hotel sat and just stood staring out at the ocean. By sunset Heero found me still standing there, just staring. This was the first time I'd ever watched a sunset, it was the second most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in the world.

He placed his hand on my shoulder and stared out at the sunset as well. "It's a long way out, Trowa, and not everyone's going to find their way back."

I stared out into the ocean and slowly closed my eyes. All I could see was Duo smiling with that sad innocent smile of his and knew. Nothing was ever going to be okay for him or me again. Yeah, it was a long way out.

XXX

A/N: I'm still debating whether or not to add that last piece I was thinking about doing. You know how when you usually get back to school and most English teachers ask you to write about your summer vacation? Well I had an Idea of what Trowa would write for his class, I just don't know if I should run with it or not.

Anywho I enjoyed writing this, in fact it was my most favorite fic I've ever written for.

Also, the part that is in italic's is also a part from a song on Five For Fighting called Nobody.