AN: This story takes place directly after the events of "Marooned," and contains spoilers for that episode. Thanks to everyone who has given me feedback on my stories; I appreciate it.

Disclaimer: None of these characters are mine, and I'm not making any money from this, so please don't sue me.

Colorblind

The shuttle ride back from the ice planet was a long one, and Rimmer didn't feel like talking.

He didn't feel angry about the guitar-shaped hole Lister had cut in his trunk. His first instinct had been to feel angry, but what could he do with anger? He couldn't repair the trunk, and he couldn't hit Lister over the head with a welding mallet, so what good was being angry?

Rimmer was sorry, though. He was sorry he had been so quick to assume Lister had done the honorable thing. He was sorry he had volunteered to burn his soldiers.

And he didn't say anything, Rimmer thought. He could've refused to throw the soldiers in the barrel. At the very least, he could've told me what he'd done. But no. After a weak, vague argument that Rimmer shouldn't burn the soldiers, Lister had thrown them in the fire knowing that his guitar was safely hidden.

Rimmer blamed himself. He really shouldn't have expected such a fundamental change in Lister's character. Rimmer was a bad judge of people, but then, he always had been.

It's almost like I'm colorblind, he thought. I can see so much, but no more, while everybody else in the world has full vision. Maybe that was why he hadn't spent very much of his life around people in a social context. He simply didn't know how to read them.

Not that anyone could read me, either, Rimmer thought, although he doubted that anything he had done would make anyone want to try. He was socially awkward and hopelessly rule-oriented—hardly the soft and huggable type.

Come to think of it, that reminded Rimmer of another assumption people made about him. Lister went on and on about Kochanski being his soul mate and how he would be with her someday, but no one ever asked Rimmer if he had feelings for anyone. Lister had given up the idea of a holographic girlfriend, but that was the ideal scenario for Rimmer. Rimmer never would've brought up the idea himself, because he knew the kind of ribbing he would be in for if he did, but it seemed he'd be waiting slightly longer than eternity if he waited for someone else to mention such a thing.

It wouldn't even have to be a holographic girlfriend. A holographic friend would be fine. He wished there were someone who could break him out of his solitary rut, someone who wouldn't take advantage of him (like Lister had) if he did let down his guard. Most people needed a reason to shut themselves off from others; Rimmer needed a reason not to.

But that would never happen, because Rimmer was expendable, just like his trunk and his soldiers had been. He could easily be walked through or turned off; he wasn't really, solidly there the way Lister, Cat, and Kryten were. And why should anyone like him? Rimmer barely liked himself. He tolerated his existence, but sometimes he wondered what the point of it was. Of course, fear of not existing was always more powerful than existential doldrums, and Rimmer never had any desire to shut himself off. But something had to change in Rimmer's life; he was ready for something new, something different, something…else.

Rimmer closed his eyes and sighed.

"You all right, man?" Lister asked.

Rimmer wanted to tell the truth, but he'd already been duped by Lister once today. Twice would be the height of stupidity.

Rimmer forced a small smile onto his lips. "I'm fine."

Just as Rimmer had guessed, Lister took Rimmer at his word and didn't ask any more questions. Rimmer turned his head so he could see out the window.

"I'm fine," he repeated, even though no one had asked him.

THE END