Chapter Four
Confession

When they sat down upon the high pile of rocks she was an inch higher than he was and he looked up at her, his eyes delving deep into hers. "Let's start with your escape from Aura. I have to confess I didn't really want to look too closely at it either. Love blinds a man to a lot, but it wasn't exactly an escape of opportunity, a mad dash by two dozen people to a spaceship that just happened to be laying around unguarded, was it?"

She shook her head and he could see her effort.

"Nyas, Shar-les," she whispered. "It was not."

x

"What was it then?"

She sighed. "Go further back must I, or understand you will not."

"All right. Go back to the beginning."

She closed her eyes, not wanting to go back that far. Not wanting to ever go back there. But if she did not, then he was lost to her and she would do anything in the galaxy to prevent that.

"Aura lost is," she told him, trying to stop her quiet voice from trembling. "Silurians everything taken have. For all of my life tried fight them we to have."

She took a deep breath, held it, tried to stop the trembling. "In your history read I of 'underground' in wars. On Aura different is. Place safe is no. Those who can resist must in secret so do. Who resist does one know not. In open, we others must as be. When together work; strike we can."

She was silent for a long moment.

x

"I think I understand. You had to blend in when in public. You were trained to fight, but without being on a mission you just had to stand and take everything that was done to you, no matter what it was."

She nodded, misery tightening her neck so it was hard to move.

"Wanted that way it I did not. Do much could to help, but could nyasi. In open, to stand and watch I had. Watched so much. So much."

x

She clenched her fists tightly, trying to shut out the images, or the pain; he didn't know which, probably both. "You got tired of watching." He wouldn't make it a question.

"Before recruited I was, 'tired of watching' I was. Five years every day trained, but act could not! The klusert ku vorklis, the Demons of Hell, Silurians brutal are; demons worse than imagine you can. Cared nothing for us. How you me found treated, so all were. Only keep us alive had to; beyond that no."

She put her head down, as if telling the story, or even recalling it, took more strength than she had. "Alive keep us they did, for the gold they us took from." She sighed and the misery of a world carried in it. "Gold us to like iron you to it is; in food, in water, in everything. Too little harvest to there. But from our blood they harvest, a bit at a time. Too much, and die we do, so a little they take each time, and we go on 'collecting' more. When we eat, when we drink, when…."

She looked to him, forced herself to look, her eyes drowning in sadness deeper than resentment.

"How got it they did they cared not. Extract medically if comply we did. If not, they any way could they did. Those who resisted, punished they were." She hung her head, unable to look at him. "Could act without orders not. Liked it I did not, ever. Grishnik - Stupid I was, but I give in could not. Resist on own tried. So punished much I was."

x

He remembered how she had been when they had first found her aboard the Krontis; the scars of whips that had striped her body from head to toe; the traces of broken bones and scores of beatings. Phlox had told him he had found evidence that at one time or another each of her bones had been broken; her left arm three times, and eleven of her twenty eight ribs had been fractured over her life.

Humans have 12 pair of ribs; Aurans four more lower pair attached to a much longer breastbone to complete protection of their hearts, which are just above their diaphragms, that heart and lungs were inches below the human norm, something he'd found out well when listening in bed to her triple heartbeat.

He remembered her belief that she would be beaten aboard Enterprise for infractions, and how long it had taken her to believe the truth.

x

"What happened that day?" he asked quietly long after the story faltered. She looked up.

"Ask rather what the week before happen did," she said, drowning in bitterness, looking straight ahead, not at him.

"All right. What happened the week before?"

"I slow an order to obey was. Angry I was, did want to obey not. Punished I was."

"You'd been punished before."

She shook her head. "Like this not. Like it, but as much not." She looked at him, and the pain in her eyes was terrible. "Beaten was I until stand I could not. Beaten until move I could not. Death I wanted would have if to get them to stop it would.

"But then example they decided of me to make, to show resist the klusert ku vorklis could one not."

x

She had to stop, and he found he was holding his breath and had to let it out. She was unable to continue for many moments before she continued with a bitterness that would have choked her.

"Used I was, by all in street. They the klusert ku vorklis me forced to use." The words just hung there. The silence went on, she seemed to want him to ask and he didn't want to.

"How many?"

"Thirty two," she whispered.

"My God!" He was absolutely horrified, even more so at the manner in which she had said it. To think that something so horrific would be considered usual was beyond his comprehension.

And until now he'd neither imagined nor appreciated the depth of the reconstruction in Phlox's Imaging Chamber.

"Less than … half that…moisture had I nyasi. Scream and scream I did… until sound I … make could nyasi.

"One even in my … my.…" She hunted for the word; but as usual, when upset, her English deserted her. "Dinuuis."

"Cell?"

She shrugged. "Cell was. Could stop it not. If even he to stop wanted I know not. Think I he it like did." She seemed to collapse upon herself. "From that moment, knew stand it longer I could not. Others as I did felt. Many others I knew."

x

She stopped speaking, staring ahead, unwilling - or unable - to continue. She was trying to regain a tenuous control; he knew how she felt about crying and how close she was to it. He didn't press her; just let her keep her silence.

x

x

x

Finally, after a long time, she turned away from him, her bitter voice laden with guilt he could barely imagine. "In the night, all the rules did we break. Openly attack a ship we did, the entire crew kill we did. Stole the Krontis we did and left Aura behind we did."

x

"Tia…" He found he too had to hunt for words. "I can understand; you had to –." She whirled back to him, her long golden hair flying in her vehemence.

"NYAS!" she screamed. "You understand NYASI! Workers there as well there were!" She leaped to her feet, the words seemingly torn violently from the depth of her soul as she held her clenched fists before her. "Aurans they were. Aurans! Three with my bare hands did I KILL so escape I could!"

x

She could stay no longer, but hurried away, clenched hands pressed to her temples, but a moment later she turned, thrust out her golden hands and screamed at him: "With these hands did I kill Aurans who me tried to stop from leaving." In her hands, clenched so tightly as they had been, drops of golden blood welled up from where her nails had been driven into her palms, but so overwhelmed was she that she couldn't feel the pain or yet see the blood.

In soul-wrenching agony she cried to him: "In all my life I Silurians resisted. But to save myself I my own people Killed." In her eyes, even so many steps away, he could see the agonizing horror she had hidden for so long pouring out of her in a scalding torrent. She was trembling so much she couldn't stand and fell to her knees in the grass.

x

"Wanted I learn how to kill never," she cried, her head down, her golden hair hiding her face, her voice rupturing. "Wanted I to trained be never. Wanted I to kill never!"

She looked up at him, fired suddenly by grim resolve, and in her voice he could hear the hate she felt for the monsters that had made her a murderess. "But learn how to hurt Silurians I did, and did gladly. Hurt them and kill them I did for what they to my people did!" Her voice rose in a scream. "And then because stand it any longer I could not Imy own peoplekilled!"

She could no longer look at him, but when her eyes fell upon her bleeding hands she gasped. "Nyas. Again on my hands blood is. Jaklir qu jaklir qu JAKLIR! Will I free of the blood be never?" She looked up at him, her heart breaking as she implored him to understand.

"Want to learn to kill I did not. To be free I wanted. To live I wanted. But kill my people I did!" She held her bleeding hands out to him, begging for his understanding of her horror. "Tried off the Krontis they me to keep and killed I them. They were from me different nyasi. They families had, they them loved. And killed I them!"

Her voice broke as she looked into his eyes, tears streaming from her own. "How could I you tell that?" she begged, sobbing. "How could I you tell that?"

x

x

x

He stood up, walked to her and dropped down to one knee before her as she knelt trembling on the grass. He had no idea what to say.

"When found me you did; freedom I found. When met your people … never imagined ever would meet I one you like. When you … when you … when love you I did, and love me you did; to tell you harder became it. To tell you I wanted; to say I it could not.

"When accepted by you, by everyone, put that life behind me I thought I could. Tried I did. I it wanted never. I it wanted GONE."

x

"But there were accidents," he said gently. "Malcolm."

"Upset I was. Scared. Thought going back into miktrizi - slavery I was. When he tou – I think did not." She looked down, unable to keep his eyes. "Terrified I was that find out you would. Wanted to tell, but wanted to not. Could nyasi."

"Then this assassin came."

She nodded, tears falling.

"Killed so many he did. Phlox, Dina, Ann, Jennifer, T'Pol, Liz. Came to Hoshi and I he did, but a time before Phlox to. Thought could I cover, but beat Hoshi he did. Rape he intended us both to. Made Hoshi sleep I did." She tried to let it hang.

"And then?"

She sighed hard, looked up to meet his eyes with her haunted golden ones. She would have given anything not to say it, but it was far too late.

"And then stop him I did," she admitted. "But to learn what needed I to save the others did, my training I used. I his bones breaking started until told me he what had I to know did."

Trip was very careful not to draw away, horrified as he was by all these admissions. "And your wounds. You did all that to yourself." She nodded, misery etched onto her face. "It must have really hurt; to mutilate yourself like that." She nodded again, one hand dropping to her lap.

"Hurts still it does," she whispered. "Did intend it this bad to be not."

"You know Phlox can heal all that," he reminded her.

"Is now there a need for secrets not," she agreed sadly. He came down on both knees to more comfortably face her, because what more had to be said was uncomfortable indeed.

x

"But why, Tia? Why did you do all that? You'd saved the lives of several of your crewmates; no one would think less of you for how you did it. You would have been perceived as acting honorably, doing what you had to for the sake of a greater good. Yes, your 'secret' would have been out, but no one would think less of you for what you had to do. Those you saved would have been grateful. They are grateful. I'm grateful. Why didn't you tell us?

"Val nyasi. Could not." She shook her head sharply, whispering over and over again, each time slipping more into grief. "Val nyasi. Val nyasi. Val nyasi!"

"But why couldn't you? What was it that made it preferable for you to lie?"

"Lied not."

He sighed, frustrated.

"You told us you were raped."

She shook her head. "Kiru nyasi… did not. Hoshi told you I raped was. I did not."

"You just made it look like you were." She nodded. "You pretended it happened."

"From finding out tried everyone to keep."

His exasperation slammed out. "All right. I can see why you'd want to keep that part of yourself quiet. I can't imagine the horror of having all that inside you, all that guilt, and not quite knowing how to tell anyone or even if you should. I don't agree; I think you made a mistake, trying to cover it up, but I'll see your reason."

x

He touched her chin, made her look at him. "But when I came in, you lied to me."

She shook her head.

"Spoke I only in Auran; knew understand you did not. Knew turn on the UT you would not. Said I nothing about rape. After that, could see you not because lie to you I did want not, but to tell the truth I did know how not, if to keep all this from you I would."

x

"But Tia, you did lie. You lied to me. Whatever you said, or didn't say, when I walked in there and saw you; torn, bruised and bleeding, I really believed you had been raped. And you knew that and you let me believe it. And for a full day you let me go on believing it. I don't know what it means in your culture, you never told me but I have a pretty good idea now, since rape was 'punishment' to the Silurians, but you didn't have to let it go on. You didn't have to deceive me. Tia, a lie of omission is still a lie."

She couldn't look at him, her head falling.

"Tia, I love you with all my heart, but if you can lie to me in something as large as this, and go on lying, how can I ever believe you again? How can I know what to believe?" Her face crumpled, her shoulders were shaking as she sobbed silently, staring down, unable to make a sound. An Auran in public does not cry; she'd always been taught this and communicated it to him so often. She was never to give in to this open sign of weakness among a subjugated people, but she couldn't stop herself. She could feel the tears dripping from her eyes.

"Tia, how could you do that? There was no need, ever. You could have told me the truth. You told me now, and I'm still with you. Yes, I'm surprised, but I can understand what you went through. Didn't you trust me enough to tell me the truth? Even this morning, you came to me, you could have told me the truth about yesterday. I'd have been upset, I admit, but not like now. Not when you held out the lie for so long."

She was crying aloud now, unable to keep silent even over a lifetime of enforced control, and when she looked up at him tears streamed down her golden cheeks.

He didn't want her tears, her mounting misery but couldn't stop himself, had to have the answer.

x

"Why, after five months that we've known each other, would you not come to me and tell me the truth about how you found out what he was going to do? Why would you do this, create a lie, hurt yourself to sustain it and let me believe it when you're smart enough to know that this big a lie can't endure? Why did you even try?"

As he stared at the weeping girl, crying so hard she couldn't answer, he wished he could take away her pain but could not. He didn't know why her heart was breaking so, but he knelt with her, trying to show that he was not apart from her – yet.

x

"Tia, talk to me. Tell me what could be worth keeping your secret so tightly; for carrying it this far." She was sobbing so hard he wasn't sure she could hear him.

"Why? What you did to escape, even what you had been trained in, it's not shameful. You tried to defend your people, and then …. Well, I know what it's like to have to take more than you can stand; to need to get out. I would have understood.

"But I can't understand what it is that would make you do all this, make you lie, make you mutilate yourself rather than tell what you are, what you did, at least to me. What possible motive could you have to make it worth that?"

"I could nyasi!" she wept. "I needed … I wanted …I needed …."

"What?" He tried to make it soft.

"Curmis tulinti iau –." Her words are forced out so hard he can barely understand them.

"Tia, English, please."

"Trying!" she wept. "Trying!" But she couldn't say anything more. She was crying too hard to answer, let alone find the English words to do so.

She flung her arms about him an he held her, the grief exploding from her as she kept her face pressed to his shoulder and he held her for such a long time.

x

x

x

When finally she was able to breathe, slumped against him: "Tia, please. Just tell me why keeping that secret was worth all of this."

She looked up at him, her face wet, his uniform wet, and he could see her heart was crushed and yet was growing more so, her control breaking again. "Because – because –" she could barely get the whispers out, her breath coming in broken gasps. "Be – cause you me – all – accepted! You – me took as I – I was. How I … used to be. Because – I thought – I thought I could – put it all be – be – hind me." She held up her hands, dried golden blood coating her palms, looked imploringly into his eyes, tears streaming down her golden cheeks.

"I thought – thought I could – what – I was – be. What I – was – before I was – recruited. I wanted – wanted that life back. I it wanted back! I wanted – innocent – to be again." The cry was torn from the depths of her soul. "I wanted innocent to be!

"And I – I thought – that if could be – I you all to – an innocent girl – with blood on my hands not – then be I could an innocent girl with blood on my hands not." She flung her arms about him, clung desperately, sobbed into his chest as her heart shattered.

Trip held her close as she wept.

x

x

x

x

It was a very, very long time before, completely exhausted, she lay against his body.

"Tia?"

"Daai?" she whispered against his chest, so low he could barely hear her.

"I have to know. Is there anything more?"

She shook her head against him and her voice was very weak.

"Sul nyas. More no. You it all have." He had never heard her voice so resigned, so empty. "Anston li – Sorry I am," she whispered. "Know amend how to not."

"Tia?" He waited until she looked up at him, a very long time. She had to push herself off him, with his gentle help. He had to hold her balanced on her knees, her strength almost gone. Her eyes were even more gold rimmed than usual from her tears. "I forgive you."

Her breath caught in her throat. He thought she would cry again, but she had no more tears left.

"How? Said you me leave would, that lied I did and –"

He cut her off firmly. "Among humans, we're sorry; we forgive. You know that."

"Is among Aurans same. But lived I under Silurian –."

"I think I can pretty much guess how the Silurians behave. But it's past. Forgive and forget, and that's that." She tried to smile gratefully, but it was a sad one instead; the best she could do. "Just please…."

"Daai?"

"Never again."

She forced a smile, her vulnerable expression a blend of grief and hope.

"Cuura li akiir, - um, 'promise I do'."

"Keelyas vintlinti?"

She smiled, but he suspected it was more at his accent rather than the irony of his attempt at Auran when he insisted she keep to English.

She needed a deep breath but "Daai. Feel better I do."

"Then we gotta go. Cap'n Archer will be waiting."

x

She couldn't get up; he had to help her to her feet and even so she could barely stand. But she couldn't take a step to the Pod yet.

"Treep?" She shook her head, unable to call him that. "Shar-les?"

"Yes?"

She was completely cried out, but still the emotions fragmented her breath. She tried twice to speak, but could not. Finally, unable to endure it, she looked down, her voice soft and longing.

"Do you … do still you …?" She couldn't say it. Drawing her close, he hugged her, then raised her face to his with a gentle hand and kissed her very softly on her trembling lips. It wasn't an Auran gesture, he knew, but it would be understood.

"Daai," he told her. "Li tuvi cuvilir." He thought she would collapse from the relief.

"Oh, I you love too…."

x

He was about to answer when the communicator in the pocket of his uniform's left sleeve beeped. Opening the zipper, he pulled the small device out and flipped it open. "Tucker here."

"Trip, you about finished with your business?"

"Finished, Cap'n. We're just getting under way."

"Good, because I can use you here." There was nothing in the Captain's voice of urgency, nothing that would make him dash to the Pod's controls. In fact, he sounded rather awed. "We've got some company."

"On our way, Cap'n." He closed the communicator. "We have to go."

They walked to the Pod together, his arm around her waist, mostly because she was still too weakened from her catharsis to walk the straight line. But she couldn't get into the Pod, even with his support. "Shar-les; your friends. What you them tell shall?"

"The Cap'n, because he needs to know; the whole truth." She sighed, dropping her head, submitting to the inevitable. "Everyone else…." She looked up again, not daring to hope. "You're an innocent girl, with no blood on your hands."

.

.

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Continues in 'Starlight Maiden'.