Push, Pull

by: Alamo Girl

(Conclusion)

Rating: I'm going to leave it on the PG-13 for a couple of days so it will stay on the "Just In" page for those that don't have me on their email alerts. Then it will be put und the R rating, so look for it there. Use your own judgment people!

Disclaimer: Don't own them, so don't sue,see previous chapters. I don't think Dick Wolf would let Bobby and Alex do what I'm going tohave them do in this chapter anyway (evil grin)

A/N: Well it's finally come down to the end! You all have been so wonderful encouraging me to finish this story that has, I have to admit, taken a lot out of me. But it's been so much fun reading your reviews, seeing how excited your guys would get at my cliffhangers and all. They really made my day! I plan on writing another Criminal Intent story—maybe a short POV fic from Alex's POV—but that will come later. I have this Pitch Black/CoR story begging to be worked on, so gotta feed the Beast. The characters are going to be a little OOC in this last chapter, but let's face it; unusual circumstances make unusual reactions to stressors. I hope you like it! Keep it real guys and I look forward to reading any stories you guys care to post (common, you know you guys have some stories just waiting to get out…grin)

Piaffe417: You better get to writing! I'm looking for some more wonderful Bobby/Alex introspection! Smooch!

Chapter 9 Re-Connection

"Tenderness emerges from the fact that the two persons, longing as all individuals do, to overcome the separateness and isolation to which we are all heir because we are individuals; can participate in a relationship that, for the moment, is not of two isolated selves—but a union." Rollo May

"Here bring your wounded hearts, here tell your anguish. Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal." Charles Lamb

There is hope in the darkness. One has to have faith, that in the blackness of despair and doubt, there will be a hand that reaches down and lifts you up. There will be a shoulder to cry on—an arm to shelter under. Even if you think you are alone, somewhere there is a heart just waiting to be reconnected to yours. Even if you think your walk through Hell has been in isolation, that no one could understand what you've been through—his heart was beside yours all the time—living your pain and feeling your sorrow in tandem with you. Some connections simply run that deep.

The rain had slowed to a drizzle when Captain Deakins' sedan pulled up to the curb. Mist rose from the grates and sewer openings from the drop in temperature, giving the streets an ethereal haze. It was quiet. The walkers and business people long since retreated to the sanctity of their warm homes and warm families. Secretly, Alex Eames envied them—having a warm, inviting place to come home to everyday. And not having to be alone.

"You need me to carry your bag up there for you, Alex?" Deakins' soft voice broke Alex out of her reverie. He had waited patiently for the paramedics to see to her wounds at the crime scene, and then firmly yet not overbearingly informed her that she would have to stay with someone tonight. She had started to protest, but the medics backed Deakins up—she'd had a few hard blows to the head and had been dosed full of some pretty strange barbiturates. Deakins had brought her to her own apartment so she could grab a few things, and then offhandedly informed her she'd be staying with Goren. At this, Alex stared hard at Deakins, but it just confirmed what she'd thought to be an auditory-hallucination before. And Deakins' grey-blue eyes sent the definite message not to argue with him.

"No, that's okay. I'll manage," she finally replied.

She paused in her seat, as if trying to decide how to go about getting out of the car. She was unsure how to proceed—as if she hadn't been up to Goren's apartment a hundred times, working late on files or taking him up on an offer to cook dinner after a long case. It felt strange, out of sync—like she was being dropped off at some new kid's house for a slumber party.

"Alex, you in there?" Deakins prompted softly.

"Yeah, yeah…uh, thanks for the ride Captain."

Deakins put a hand on her arm just as she was sliding out of the passenger seat. She looked to him questioningly.

"He went through Hell tonight too, Alex. Remember that," he said with a half smile on his weary face.

Alex's eyes softened a little—she hadn't really thought of it that way. She nodded silently and left the car, the door closing echoed through the street. Alex watched in the drizzle as Deakins drove away—back to his warm house and family, and she sighed. She walked up the stoop and into the building with her overnight bag. She'd walked these fights of stairs so many times, but this time she had this odd feeling of anxiety in her gut. Sure, going to Goren's late at night was nothing new. Spending the night—now that was something new!

----

"Friendship needs no words—it is a loneliness relived of the anguish of loneliness." Dag Hammarskjold

----

Bobby had almost come to the point of pacing back and forth across his living room in anticipation. Well, actually he was already pacing, he'd just put it off as long as he could. He'd already showered and changed, leaving his wet leather coat to dry on the hanger near his door, and was now wearing some comfortable blue jeans and a camel colored crew necked sweater. There was a fresh pot of coffee brewing, and he'd dug out and extra blanket and pillow for the couch.

Being the gentleman he was, Bobby would of course be sleeping on the couch, while Alex took his large queen sized bed. Bobby stopped pacing—his arms crossed and one hand resting at his mouth—as he stared down the hall to his bedroom. The ache struck him so violently it nearly caught his breath; an ache to see Alex's small frame snuggled under his grey cotton covers on her side—a bare leg tantalizingly slung on top of the sheets. The ach grew stronger, slowly working its way south as he saw himself—spooned up behind Alex, his huge arms wrapped protectively around her, his face near her hair breathing in her intoxicating scent.

Bobby shook his head, scrubbing his large hands over his gritty cheeks. He should not be having these fantasies, especially not now.

I nearly lost her for God's sake! She was nearly…gone…forever…Bobby swallowed that horrifying thought back down. There was no way he was going to let himself think about what might have happened had he not found the right warehouse. He placed a shaky hand on his counter, steadying himself. He knew somewhere along the way, their connection had been broken—their delicate balance up heaved. The ache inside turned to longing. Longing for that nexus between the Goren/Eames duo to be re-solidified—the cement re-applied. Bobby wanted to go back to where they were, and yet, he so desperately wanted so much more than what they simply had before. He didn't just want his partner and friend back—he wanted Alex. The Alex he oh-so-recently discovered he'd fallen in love with—kind-of like finding out the ocean is wet. Obviously!

The doorbell rang and Bobby nearly knocked their mugs off the counter. He opened the door to find Alex standing on the other side, glancing up at him for a moment with a partial smile—then returning her eyes to her shoes.

"Hey," Bobby whispered.

"Hey," Alex returned just as softly. She adjusted the bag on her shoulder and moved past Bobby while he held the door open.

Bobby closed the door and fought down the blind fury that had gushed up when he saw the damage to Alex's face. She had a blue-black eye and a few cuts on her left cheek and forehead. There was a cut at the edge of her lower lip, where Strider's fists had struck home. She looked so damn small.

Alex placer her bag down near the couch and turned to face Bobby. When they locked eyes, Bobby searched them for that spark of the ol' Eames—and for that string of connection he'd felt floating just out side his grip. Alex sighed; she knew what he was searching her eyes for. He was searching for "her"—she too had felt the bond break only she was battling the monster in her mind at the time. She pushed a strand of hair away, Bobby tilting his head in his 'studying manner' as he looked as if he were searching for his voice.

"I'm okay, Bobby. They stitched me up and gave me some drugs," she leaned back on the back of his couch, "they just want someone to…I guess…look after me tonight. Guess they're afraid I might croak in the night or something."

Bobby felt the breath he didn't know he was holding whoosh out in a short laugh. There it was… that little bit of Alex coming back. A smile flitted across Alex's face, but it was no match to the full-gleaming grin Bobby gave her. That wonderful, little-boy grin she loved. Alex felt herself becoming more relaxed as he moved toward her a little.

"Well, we can't let that happen, can we," Bobby chuckled, "I got some coffee going, you want a cup?"

Alex smiled a yes and moved to walk along Bobby's immense bookshelf along the far wall of his living room. The man had a library there at home; she wondered how his library card got such a workout. Alex turned her gaze to Bobby as he fixed their coffee. She wondered how many cups they had shared over conversations. Bobby would probably be able to give her the exact number. She suddenly found herself looking at Bobby—really looking at him. There he was—in his casual attire that somehow he made seem like the sexiest thing he could've possibly put on. Her eyes lingered over the breadth of his massive shoulders, the taper of his waist and how he filled out the backside of those jeans just right. The way his deft and graceful fingers moved the cups around—and she wondered how soft a touch he really had (if he were touching something other than crime scene material). Before she knew it, Alex flipped on his stereo system, and the soft melodies of Nora Jones wafted through the apartment.

Bobby turned suddenly at the sound of the music, and Alex just shrugged, pushing her hair back again almost nervously, "It was a little quite. Thought some music would be nice, I hope you don't mind." She'd never turned his electronics on before, and she wondered if he'd mind her touching his things. Bobby can be kind ofweird sometimes about the place and order of his things, she had learned over time.She'd seen how organized his brown notebook was.

"No that's…that's fine. It's great actually…I…I like her music."

"Me too," and they both smiled.

----

Bobby and Alex sat on his couch in silence while they enjoyed their coffee and listened to the music. Alex had pulled her shoes off so she could curl her feet underneath herself as she always did, and Bobby found himself staring again. In faded blue jeans and a light grey V-necked sweater, Alex would have seemed very comfortable to anyone but New York's most observant detective. Bobby thought she looked, well, beautiful in her normal understated way—and yet he could feel her tenseness. It stung him harder than he thought; she'd never been uncomfortable in his place before. Questions were beginning to buzz in his head—he wanted to know what had been happening to her lately, what she'd been seeing in her minds eye when she'd looked at him, what Strider had said to her…(would she mind terribly if he made the simple request that she sleep naked and allow him to entangle every inch of his long body around hers.) He frowned at the turn his mind had taken—again.

Bobby wanted more than anything to grab onto that connection and tie it around his soul again, where it belonged. He wanted to drown in those dark eyes and see the fire of Alex Eames burning within them—and maybe something of the same feelings for him that he was feeling for her. Though he did not know how, Bobby Goren desperately wanted to pull her out of her shadows and fight whatever demons had driven her from him. He hated himself—for his inability to protect her, for not sucking it up and stepping out of his damned mind long enough to convey to her how important she is to him. Some bumbling-ass Knight in Shining Armor he turned out to be.

"It's not your fault Bobby." He voice was so soft and yet so close, Bobby thought he was simply hearing it in his head, like always. So he was astonished to find Alex had scooted closer to his side and was staring gently into his dark eyes.

"How-?"

"C'mon Bobby, I could hear your thoughts clear across the room. I know you blame yourself for what happened, but you shouldn't." She looked down at her hands, "You were there… you were always there. I just couldn't see."

Bobby's heart was in his throat, but he leaned in so his mouth was hovering just above the cut on her right temple. Oh to be able to just crush her in an embrace that would never end—to take her to his bed and make love to her until she fully understood how she was a part of his soul. But he was scared - this was uncharted territory they were heading into now.

"The Verger cases," he murmured, his eyes tracing the outline of her cheek and jaw, "you have been fighting demons since the beginning of those murders, haven't you?"

Alex continued to look at her hands, but when the first silent tear came unwillingly down her cheek—Bobby's heart wrenched so painfully in his chest he nearly choked.

Alex knew she had been holding this misery in far too long. She was crumbling inside, and now it was showing outside for the world to see—and she didn't care anymore. She didn't want to be strong anymore. She started slightly when she felt Bobby's finger touched the paths of her tears with a gentleness she didn't know he possessed. Slowly he tilted her face to his eyes, and Alex almost gasped at the emotion awash in those deep orbs.

Bobby held her face in both his hands, marveling at just how her face was dwarfed in his palms. She didn't need to tell him of her nightmares, how she had been mentally raped over and over—it was all written in her eyes.

"I was afraid of you," she said finally. Bobby's brows came together in confusion, as his thumbs continued to wipe her coming tears. "I was afraid of you for a while…the monsters in my mind…they just got all jumbled up. Distorted." She pulled her face from his grasp, yet kept his hand in hers as she tried to find some explanation. She couldn't tell him that somehow, it was his image that had melded into a monster and raped her in her nightmares—that some stupid look-alike in a dumb-ass movie had mutated in her mind and caused her to pull away from the man she most cared about. The man she loved. Telling him something like that—that one of those demons he'd mentioned she'd fought in her head had his face—that would have crushed him in ways she couldn't even imagine.

"I couldn't make heads or tails of anything, Bobby." He'd moved even closer to Alex, stroking her face and watching her eyes intently.

"So you tried to push me away," he said softly. When she looked at him, her eyes were a silent apology and a plea. Bobby's lips curved into a sad smile, "You should've known better. I don't give up that easily."

----

"Gentleness is a divine trait. Nothing is so divine as gentleness and nothing is so gentle as real strength." Ralph W. Sockman

----

Their connection, their bond was in his grasp and Bobby Goren was not about to let it slip through his fingers. He was going to clamp on with both hands. With a little flutter of insecurity in his stomach, he moved closer to her lips. Alex remained still, her own stomach writhing with nervous butterflies.

Their lips grazed over each other in the lightest feather kiss. Heat sparked and sizzled down Bobby's spine like nothing he'd ever experienced. He pulled back slightly, searching Alex's eyes for fear or hesitation. All he saw was the same surprise his eyes must have shown; obviously she'd felt the same spark as well.

Then the surprise melted away into muted desire. Alex felt it bubble up from deep inside, she wanted him—she wanted him to save her again. She wanted him to forget about all the consequences and worries, all the little scenarios that cluttered his famous mind when it went into overdrive. Don't think. Feel.

Bobby saw it, he saw it and he understood it—and for once he silenced the questioning voices in his mind. He was going to think with his heart this time. He plunged into Alex's lips, this time channeling his passion in. His tongue teased her mouth open, exploring and tasting—and she welcomed him in. He pulled her to him, snaking his long, muscular arms around her back feeling the muscle and soft skin under her shirt. She in turn, moved her hands slowly up his chest—she wanted to savor every feeling of his broad, thick chest—she'd wanted to see how it felt for years.

Bobby wanted her even closer, and as he pulled her into his lap, her weight settled perfectly between his legs. Alex felt the heat and swelling hardness of his erection suddenly, and a moan escaped her throat. "So the speculations were true!" She smiled as she kissed him—the thought of how the female rumor-mill at One Police Plaza figured Goren was as "well endowed" as he was big and tall—was definitely true! She decided to take her own "measurements" by letting her hand fall to his crotch, her fingers playing lightly over the stretched fabric—and shuttered as Bobby growled into her mouth.

Bobby nearly lost it when he felt her hand down there. His need to feel Alex closer, to feel all of her, was rapidly taking over his brain. He shifted her weight, taking her legs in one arm, and her torso in the other—he lifter her up with ease and started down the hall. Bobby watched her face, and when he saw apprehension flit over her features, he stopped at the foot of the bed. His erection was becoming unbearable, and he wanted her so badly he ached all over—but if she was not ready to take this step, he was not about to force her. He loved her too much for that.

Alex saw the sudden flash of fear in his eyes. He was scared of scaring her—scared of hurting her. He wanted to know if she was okay with this. Are you? He let her legs drop until she was standing pressed against him, his arms protectively around her as his eyes pleaded with her to let him in. And Alex realized he wasn't just asking for her to let him make love to her—he was asking her to come back to him, to have their soul connection safely nailed back down within her own soul just as he was re-infusing it within his. The sheer meaning of it all struck Alex for the first time, Deakins was right. Goren had been in a different Hell this whole time—a Hell in being without her. She was much more than just a touchstone or grounding line to him—she was the other "half" of his being. And he, not surprisingly, was the other "half" of hers.

Alex pulled Bobby's head to hers, resting his forehead against her bruises and cuts. She stared intently into his eyes, and as the answer crystallized in her eyes along with the tears, they both smiled. They had found each other.

Bobby couldn't hold back any longer, and captured Alex's mouth again with blinding force. He worried only for a second when he heard her gasp, thinking maybe he'd hurt her. But when she curled her fingers into his hair and wrapped a leg around his waist, pulling him to her…he didn't worry anymore.

Alex broke the embrace long enough to work his sweater over his head. Her mouth formed an 'o' of admiration at his muscular, heaving chest. Bobby couldn't help the shy little-boy grin when she looked up from his chest and smiled at him. Then he took his turn, slowly—agonizingly slowly removing her shirt. He drank in the creamy expanse of her skin, as she lay back onto his bed.

Bobby's mouth planted kisses along her neck, reveling in the gasps he elicited from her when he hit her sweet spots. He expertly undid her bra, leaving the fleeting thought in Alex's mind that while he did have amazing fingers, he'd probably done that a few more times that she'd thought. When his mouth closed around her breast, all thought left Alex for good—and she writhed under his bulk as he gently suckled her nipple. Her hands were gripping his tight shoulders, almost to the point of scratching—when he made his way down her stomach and began undoing her jeans. Alex stilled somewhat, allowing him to pull her jeans and panties off in one pass, yet he still kept one hand and his mouth on her skin. THAT takes some skill, she thought.

Bobby was a man who liked to explore a woman's body—make it as pleasurable for her and it was for him. And being such a tactile man, Bobby used his senses of touch, smell, and observation in all other aspects of his life—it just came to reason that he would use them in making love. Alex nearly giggled at that thought.

Suddenly he pushed her further up the bed and crawled over her. Alex was little and completely naked beneath his enormous bulk, and that feeling tickled the macho-masculine side of Bobby's brain. There was just something about being a big, strong guy, encompassing your petite love with you sheer size. Bobby guessed millions of years of evolution didn't breed out the entire "animal" out of a man. He smiled into Alex's neck.

:Later:

His breath was coming in content heaves. Sweat and passion still glistened over their bodies in a perfect glow. Bobby came to rest on his elbow, still hovering over Alex's face.

Alex closed her eyes, a soft smile gracing her lips. Bobby's mouth quirked a half smile and he leaned in to her face. Gingerly he ran a finger over the bruise under her eye and sighed. Alex caught that finger, and brining it to her lips, kissed it softly. Again her eyes told him not to let his mind travel down that dark path of guilt again. Bobby smiled a little wider, his eyes gleaming and brought his mouth to her ear.

"Don't ever leave me again." In answer to his whispered plea, Alex took his face in both hand and pressed a firm, serious kiss on his lips.

"Never. Thank you for holding on, Bobby," she murmured against his head.

That night they slept just as Bobby imagined they would—Alex on her side, curled into a ball—and Bobby spooned up as close as he could get to her warmth, his huge arms protectively encircling her.

And when a nightmare entered Alex's mind during the night, making her twitch and whimper as the fear welled up again, Bobby was right there with her, fighting the monsters for her. And if she pushed away even just a little from him in her sleep, Bobby would hold tight—and pull her much closer.

FIN

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Well, what do you think? Good ending? Resolved the angst and turmoil? Oh I hope I did ok, this was really hard chapter for me! Thanks again for the support, you GUYS ROCK! Alamo Girl