Harry Potter Gets Hit by a BUS!
Disclaimer: i'm liek so tottaly J.K. Rowling.i rote all the HP storys myslef. Yeah, right.
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Author's note: This story was deleted for too much swearing for
the content rating or something like that. It's back now and it's
rated R just to be safe.
Harry woke to a sound of scratching. 'Today's my birthday. I completely forgot. That would explain that fucking scratching at the window.' Harry thought, as he opened the window to let in all the owls waiting at his window. As the window was opened, Harry had to duck as Pigwidgeon, Ron's midget of an owl, came zooming dangerously close to Harry's head. "DAMN YOU PIG! YOU ALMOST TOOK MY FUCKING HEAD OFF!" Harry yelled to the extremely excited bird, who was now eating all of Hedwig's food.
Harry grabbed Pigwidgeon, roughly tore off the package on his leg, and chucked him out the window. Hedwig looked extremely relieved. Harry tore of the wrapping paper on the package, and found a fucking huge package of "feminine napkins". Harry supposed that Ron thought it would be funny or something. Ron probably didn't even know what they were for, being a clueless git and all. Harry took the "napkins" and chucked them into the waste bin where they belonged.
The other presents were much more satisfactory. Hermione got him a large quantity of Lunchables Fun Snacks, Neville got him a huge load of some weird white powder, and Hagrid got him a rock™. But not just any fucking ordinary rock™. This one was THE rock™. It cost loads of money, and all the cool kids had one. The company that produced them even trademarked the word rock™. That's why I have to use the little '™' doo-dad every time I type the word rock™. Christ on a god-damn fucking crutch. Shit.
Harry immediately devoured the Lunchables Fun Snacks, as he hadn't eaten anything in 4 days. Then he took a closer look at Neville's present. It was a weird white powder in a little baggie, with a note attached. Harry picked up the note and read: "Put some of this stuff in your nose to make you happy." Harry decided to save that for later. He picked up the rock™ and sat there for hours playing with it.
Harry found the rock™ to be inexplicably compelling. It was just so fun. The fun ended when Dudley the huge fucking hippo-man came in and ate the rock™ in one gulp. Harry, who knew better than to fuck with Dudley, just sat there until he left. Now with only one present to try out, Harry grabbed the bag of white powder.
He put a bit of it in his nose, and snorted. Harry was immediately overcome by happiness. He wandered out in the street to show everybody the wonderful "happy powder". He walked up to this kid with huge baggy jeans and a Metallica shirt to show him the powder, but before he could get a word out, the kid took the shit right out of his fucking hand and ran. Harry was a bit put out, so he just wandered for a while.
Soon Harry reached a really busy intersection. Completely disregarding the rule his moronic first-grade teachers had told him about "looking both ways before crossing the street", Harry walked straight into oncoming traffic. Where he was promptly (surprise!) run over by a bus. The end.