Later that day, Benny was found talking to a badly burned Eric over the phone whilst making his favorite dish of Honey Nut Cheerio casserole with cheese.
"What's she going to do? She paints and she reads," Eric objected as he lay in his bed.
"Yeah, she paints, she reads, she lights things on fire," Benny replied, removing the casserole from the oven and fanning it cool with a mitt.
"We have a fire extinguisher. Bring her."
"She'll light THAT on fire."
"No she won't. You're too paranoid. Just bring her over and we'll chain her to the floor or something. That way, she won't get into any trouble and we can all be joyous and happy and sing Kumbaya like good old times."
"Well," Benny sighed. "All right. I'll bring her along."
"Good boy. Now, get your ass over here and don't be la—HEY!"
Eric's reticent girlfriend wriggled under the sheets.
"What happened?" Benny asked, half-interested.
"Nothing! I…stubbed my toe on the desk! Are you still there?"
"Uh…no."
With that, Benny hung up the phone and moved the casserole over to the table.
In the living room, Joon was busy painting a very detailed picture of a piece of white computer paper on her canvas.
"Joon!" Benny called from the kitchen. "DEEENER!"
"Hot diggity dog!" Joon proclaimed in delight and scurried into the kitchen where she helped herself to a jar of mayonnaise.
"So what made you light Mrs. Smalley on fire?" Benny asked, slightly disappointed at his sister's lack of interest in his casserole.
"She said 'If I was a little girl like you'."
"…And?"
"She was grammatically incorrect! It was supposed to be 'If I WERE a little girl like you'."
"Good God, Joon. She's a housekeeper, not an English professor."
"Well, still. If she's going to live in America, she might as well learn to speak American."
"What was wrong with Mrs. Hartje?"
"Her boobs dragged on the floor," Joon shuddered.
"And Mrs. Vail?"
"A woman psycholicly and hygienically disturbed. …She had mold growing on the side of her face. Let's face it, Benhulio, finding decent housekeepers is not your forte."
"Yah, well, until I DO find a decent housekeeper, you're going to stick to the house. Literally. I'm going to superglue you to the floor until I get home." Benny reached into his back pocket and pulled out a squished burrito and dropped it on her plate. "Now eat your bean burrito I got for a bargain at 7 Eleven. Oh, and by the way…" Benny pretended to cough into his arm as he said: "I'm taking you to my poker game tonight. Ahem!"
A look of disappointment came over Joon's face. "Benny…"
"What? You'll have tons of fun!"
§
And so, Joon, at the steering wheel, and Benny made their way along the lovely neighborhood road in their lovely neighborhood car ever so lovingly.
That is, until they crossed the railroad tracks and were promptly struck by a speeding train.
"Benny? Benny!"
Benny suddenly snapped out of his daydream and looked across the trunk of the car where Joon jingled the car keys.
"Let's go," she said.
"Ya know…maaaaaaybe I should drive," Benny slowly said, taking the keys from her.
"But why?"
"Joon, you don't even have a license."
"So?" Then she leaned close to him. "Dey don't gots ta know dat."
"…Get in."
§
This time, when Benny and Joon were driving their lovely gas hog car down their lovely street, it wasn't a daydream. Although it seemed like it when Joon took a gander out of her window and saw—
Ding dong!
GollumRox, Ewan, and Jude dropped everything they were doing to turn and look at the bedroom door.
"Since when did I get a doorbell installed?" she asked herself. "Oh well. Let's see who it is. Come in!"
The door swung open and a long line of teenage girls filed into the room.
"What's all this then?" Ewan demanded. GollumRox shrugged cluelessly.
"Hello," said one of the girls who appeared to be the leader. "We are the Destroy Sean Penn Association Organization Club."
"Uhm…" GollumRox began, still unsure of how to react to all this. "Hi. Uh, this is Ewan, that's Jude, and I'm Go—"
"We know who you are," she interrupted.
"Really? That's…creepy. So what is it that you guys want?"
"First of all, we are here to inform you that we are aware of your identification because of your previous experiences with our organization prior to the time it was estab—"
"Could you talk a little more like teenage girls, please?" Ewan requested.
"Yeah, okay," the leader shrugged. "We came to you because of your previous dealings with our organization."
"But I haven't heard anything about the Destroy Sean—"
"Let me finish. We've talked amongst ourselves and decided that we needed a president for our club. Knowing your history, we decided to choose you."
"My history?"
"Yes. You are one of the few veteran Obsessive Johnny Depp Fanatical Fangirls still alive and active in our cult. Your records date back to as early as June of 2001."
"What? Just because I've been obsessed with Johnny longer than most of you have been in middle school, you've decided to chose me as your president?"
"Affirmative."
"Am I supposed to be flattered by this?"
"Becoming our president takes a lot of hard effort and persistence. If you are not up to the difficult task, our empire shall crumble."
"…You didn't answer my question."
"Forkie, just be the president. Then you can dictate them and boss them around!" Jude suggested.
"Well, all right, fine. I'll be your bloody president."
Every single girl in the room let out a loud, high-pitched squeal and bounced around before they abruptly stopped and fell silent.
"Very good," the leader said. "What is your first plan of action?"
"Uhm…"
Ewan snorted and beckoned GollumRox to lean close to him to whisper something in her ear. Jude crawled over and listened in as well. All the while, the girls just stood and waited patiently.
"All right," GollumRox began as soon as Ewan was done. "First, I want you all to leave my room. Secondly, use all your money in the foundation to go to Shopko just down the street and buy Conan O'Brien's 10th Anniversary Edition DVD along with the entire stock of Lucky Charms cereal. And…what else?"
Ewan whispered the rest into her ear.
"And a box of packing peanuts and bubble wrap. And bring them all back here."
"Right away, Ms. President." The leader, along with the rest of the girls saluted by making the 'J' in sign language and then a 'D' on their foreheads and throwing them in the air before they turned and exited the room.
"…What the hell was that?" Jude asked after a while.
"No idea. But you're getting Lucky Charms."
"Why'd you have to ask for the Conan O'Brien DVD, Forkie?" Ewan whined. "Now you're going to be sitting there watching that and not paying any attention to us!"
"That was the whole point."
Anyways, back to the bloody story…
"Yeah, about time," Benny grumbled, causing Joon to look over in confusion.
"What?"
"Nothing!"
Joon shrugged and looked out her window and saw a rather attractive young guy perched on a branch, not pretending to be a bird or anything, but just sitting there randomly. He was dressed as if he jumped out of a 1920s movie, but he was in color instead of black and white.
He just stared back at her with his big ol' brown eyes as if it were the only thing he knew how to do.
"Woah…" Joon muttered.
"What?" Benny asked from the driver's side, not noticing the strange hot guy in the tree.
"Uh, nothing. I…thought I saw an obese squirrel."
"Oh."
The mysterious guy in the tree watched the car until it turned a corner and disappeared from view.
"EEEEK! THERE'S A STALKER IN THE TREE!" screamed a lady from inside the house.
"Wait—" he began but was struck with a flying blow-dryer and toppled backwards out of the tree and landed on the ground with a crack.
§
Benny, a rather severely disfigured and scarred Eric, and their two other friends, Mike and Thomas, were gathered around their portable poker table playing cards. For the record, Mike and Thomas are also "happy".
"Doody doody doo…" Benny sang as he studied his hand.
"Will you hurry up?" Mike prodded impatiently making his goldfish laugh.
"Oh all right. I'll take two," Benny said as he took two of his cards out and slid them across the table.
"Jeez. Took you long enough," Mike grumbled, collecting Benny's cards and giving him two new ones.
"I think his brain stopped," Thomas wise-assed, making Mike's goldfish laugh even harder.
"You're the one who asked for five cards," Eric reminded him, taking a drag from a joint.
"I had a bad hand, okay?"
"So what's this I hear about you getting a new housekeeper?" Mike asked.
"Jeez, another one? Maybe you should just dump your sister off at one of those group homes or something," Thomas suggested.
"Well, I've thought about it but I don't think she'd like it there."
"Who cares? At least you'll be free and happy," Mike said.
"Yeah, and that's all it really boils down to," Eric added.
"Hey, guys?" Joon called from the floor to which she was chained. "I can hear you. You don't need to talk about me like I'm not here."
"But I just don't want her to go crazy in there and end up burning down the place," Benny said, completely ignoring her.
"That's not YOUR problem," Mike shrugged.
"Yeah, now let's get back to the game," Eric said.
Benny reached into his pile of belongings written on pieces of paper and pulled one out and placed it in the center of the table. "Two tickets to the Police reunion concert in Toronto."
"Whoop. I'm out," Eric promptly decided, tossing his cards down.
"I'm out too," Thomas seconded, doing the same.
"Yeah, me too," agreed Mike.
"Oh come on! You guys can't do that!" Benny objected.
"Well, you're going to win anyways!" Mike pointed out.
"What makes you think I'm going to win?"
"Come on, nobody bets that much unless they got a pretty good hand," Eric said.
"What are you talking about? I'm bluffing!"
The three guys exchanged glances. "…Really?"
"Yeah, come on. Play, you guys."
Eric began to snicker as he recollected his cards.
"A $20 gift certificate to Victoria's Secret," Mike proclaimed, tossing down a piece of paper. "Show them."
"Full house, bitch!" Benny announced triumphantly and took the opportunity of pointing and laughing in their dejected faces.
Thomas burst into tears as Eric fell over in his chair laughing. Mike only scowled bitterly.
"You said you were bluffing," he grumbled.
His goldfish pointed a fin and laughed at him too.
"Wait a minute," Benny said. "What are you doing with a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret?"
"It's for my girlfriend," Mike shrugged casually.
"Your girlfriend?!" Thomas exclaimed. "I thought you were gay!"
A look of panic took over Mike's face. "Did—did I say girlfriend? I meant my…my husband."
"HUSBAND!" Eric screeched right before he went into another fit of uproarious laughter.
Everybody in the room stared at his writhing body.
"Maybe six joints was too much," Thomas told Benny, which caused Eric to laugh even harder.
"All right, all right. Do you have to laugh at everything?" Mike asked.
"How about another hand," Benny suggested, shuffling the cards. "You in, Eric?"
Eric only screamed and pounded the floor.
"Ah, screw you."
And so they dealt the cards and all that other junk. As they did this, the author decided to skip over a bunch of junk from the movie and cut to the unimportant part.
"Ball of lint," Mike stated, tossing in a piece of paper.
"One of the original copies of the Constitution," said Benny.
"I fold," Thomas sighed.
"Do you EVER stay in, you pussy?" Benny asked, causing both the goldfish and Eric to laugh.
"Medieval jousting helmet."
§
Soon thereafter and several attempts at spelling the word 'medieval', Joon was found wearing the helmet whilst making her gourmet breakfast of peanut butter, chocolate chips, bananas, birdseed, orange peels, coffee grinds, a volleyball, and a hint of ground cinnamon. When she turned on the blender, the grotesque mixture turned an unappetizing shade of gray with several unsightly chunks. Not to mention the foul odor of cornchips and BO it was thickly emitting into the air.
…Are you vomiting yet?
Joon poured the sour mixture into a bowl and looked up at the readers, watching her with pale green faces.
"You thought I was going to drink it, didn't you?" she asked, smiling. Then she turned and looked around the kitchen. "Sparky! Here, boy! Come here, Sparky! …Oh, wait…I don't have a dog."
She then shrugged, lifted the helmet from her face and guzzled down the drink, making all the readers grab a nearby garbage can puke into it until they had nothing left in their stomachs.
GollumRox opened her mouth to explain the delay in her posting, turned to notice the TV and immediately forgot what she was going to say and watched it.
MOO-HOOOOOON!
Ewan smacked himself in the forehead.