Lar-ton- sobs Oh so much fun.... GONE...the laughs...sobs GONE ahh, we've had so much fun with this but to drag it out, to keep it going would devalue the whole story so we're going out with a bang. I hope you aren't disappointed with the ending; hopefully it'll satisfy your slashy needs, peace and love, lar-ton.
Ral-edges A/N: The end of an era (sobs). I had at one point thought that the writer's block monster that was stalking me would never allow us to finish the story, but we managed to outwit him (a.k.a kick him in the balls!) and hurrah it's done and dusted. I've really enjoyed writing this; I hope you've enjoyed reading it. BIG thanks to all who reviewed, you're great! Bye...for now...mmmmwwwahahahahhahahahahahahaha (coughs) hahahahhahaha
The next few days dragged on for Rimmer. He kept getting shag flash backs and was disgusted with his own thoughts.
Occasionally in his sleep he would cry out "Pimp!" before jerking awake from a blissful slumber.
Lister was also not taking the situation very well.
He'd slept with a man. He had nothing against gays but still, but for some reason the thought made his skin crawl.
Worse still, that man was Rimmer- under the guise of Rachael obviously, but to think that they'd connected in the first place freaked him out, endlessly.
'OH MY GOD' Lister thought suddenly.
He was attracted to Rimmer... Well Rimmer's personality at least.
Lister shook it off, he decided Rimmer's personality in a women's body would be irresistible, it made sense, being a guy –even an undersexed one- he'd knew what a guy wanted and how...which might explain the fantastic, mind blowing sex!
The next day, Rimmer was awake first; he sat, watching Lister sleep.
He couldn't help it; he'd just been walking over to the fridge to grab a drink of milk when he'd seen him, breathing quietly, small snores escaping from his mouth occasionally. He stood staring transfixed at his bunkmate, scrutinizing his image.
He wasn't that fat, sort of plump, well built, big boned...cuddly. He looked so innocent whilst asleep, not the cruel, malicious guy who'd broke his heart in two then spat on the remains.
Normally Rimmer would now have felt an angry surge consume his entire body, before reaching for his report book to describe Lister's latest misconduct.
Instead he felt something stir, a warm, tingling feeling he'd experienced only once before when his brothers had pushed him too close to the fire whilst he was tied to a chair doused in petrol. Only this time, he was not near any heating appliances, and nor had he been eating red-hot chili sauce.
If this feeling meant what he thought it meant...
Crap!
"Watching me sleeping now, you kinky bugger?" Lister peered from under his duvet at Rimmer's befuddled expression as he realized he was caught in the act.
"No." he mumbled quickly, turning away.
Thankfully Rimmer didn't have to endure this embarrassing situation any more as the post halted any further conversation.
"Anything good?" asked Lister, grinning mischievously at Rimmer's mortified expression at being caught red handed, or red eyed!
"OH MY GOD!" yelled Rimmer
"Is that one of your favorite sayin's?"
"No, it's just" Rimmer huffed angrily "they've sent us a playbacks of the game!"
Lister frowned "I didn't know we got that, maybe it's mentioned somewhere in the manual!"
Rimmer jerked as if he'd been slapped "you mean you didn't read the manual!"
"No!" said Lister guiltily, "did you?"
"A guy acquires breasts and you want him to think of something as trivial as a manual!"
Lister frowned before grinning, "No. I suppose that would be the last thing on your mind...."
Rimmer frowned and crossed his arms huffily, "Well it's the least I could have expected from you- some dirty pervy comment."
Lister raised his eyebrows, as his grin widened, "Hey I didn't say anything It was your dirty mind that assumed I was being rude."
Rimmer blinked at Lister, "Well what were you thinking then?"
Lister grinned, "Actually I was thinking, what I would I think if I suddenly acquired breasts...firstly, I'd be mad, freaked out, you know what I mean, then I'd just 'enjoy' them."
Rimmer glared at him "You...bloody...jammy git... you...you..."
Lister grinned, "Rimmer stuck for words, now that is a surprise. Someone alert the presses!"
Rimmer looked away and glared at the floor, "Pimp" he muttered darkly.
"Will you stop calling me a pimp!"
"No...Pimpy pimp"
"Rimmer-" said Lister warningly
"You're the biggest pimmpiest, pimp in the entire pimp history of the organisation of pimphood!"
"Are you gonna play the smeggin' video or not?" snapped Lister,
"Fine" said Rimmer tartly, before muttering 'pimp'.
"Which one, yours or mine?" asked Lister, getting himself comfy
Rimmer though for a second, "yours" He didn't want to show Lister Rachael have her breast measured, especially after their previous discussion
"Fine, put it on!" Lister laughed, "This is going to be good!""
Lister and Rimmer sat staring at the video screen, neither of them spoke, but when they caught each other's eyes they quickly turned away gagging.
After what seemed like an age Lister managed to speak, "that..." he shuddered "has taken the work kinky to whole new heights!"
Rimmer nodded slowly, before asking in a hoarse whisper "where did we get the jam from?"
Lister let out a nervous laugh "The jam? You're worried about the smeggin' jam? I'm still reeling from the nurse's uniform!"
Rimmer's lips curled into a small smile as faint memories formed in his mind, "one question?" he asked, giving Lister a glance before pointing to the video screen
"Shoot" said Lister
"Where did you get the nurses uniform?"
Lister's face went blank, "I don't know! Probably the same place we got that rubber chicken!"
Rimmer grinned, "I've never thought of that use for suspenders before...I mean the way it-"
Lister cut him off, "Okay, okay, let's watch it from your point of view now."
Rimmer paled, "No." he said hastily.
Lister caught on quickly "Why is there something you'd rather I didn't see?"
Rimmer grumbled, "Well sort of..."
Lister grabbed the video from Rimmer's tight grip, "All the better."
Lister was lay on his bunk watching the playback of his Alter U game, he shot Rimmer a sly look before turning the volume up to the max, just as Rachael's screams of ecstasy reached their peak, for a second or two Rimmer said nothing, then he snapped. "Will you turn that bloody racket off!" he screamed.
"No" protested Lister "it's just getting to the good bit!"
"What good bit?'" asked Rimmer with a snarl, Lister raised his eyebrows and said seductively
"The bit with the space hopper!"
Rimmer laughing halted him from going into lengthy and disgustingly vivid details
"What? You think that's the best bit? The best bit is-" he stopped, realising he'd fallen into a trap, he quickly lowered his head and said nothing.
"So" said Lister, peering down at him, "you did enjoy it!"
"Nope." lied Rimmer,
"Come-on" urged Lister, jumping down from his bunk and sitting next to him
"No!"
"Stop lying"
"I'm not"
"You are!"
"Am not...pimp"
"Don't start that again!" groaned Lister,
Rimmer went unusually quiet "That's what you are...you used me, left me alone- defenseless"
Lister laughed
"And you broke my heart..."
Lister did a double take, "Say what??"
Rimmer blushed, "Nothing."
Lister grabbed his arm and Rimmer flinched, "What did you say?"
Rimmer sighed, "You-"
"Yes..."
"...Broke..."
"Yes!"
"My..."
"Oh holy mother of God get on with it, man!"
Rimmer pouted, "Fine, I won't tell you then."Listers mouth hung open as he stared at Rimmer, who twitched and turned away "Are you trying to say what I think your trying to say, cos if you are trying to say what I think your trying to say, I'm not going to allow you to say what I think your about to say!"
Rimmer let out an obnoxious laugh "You can't stop me!"
"No" said Lister, "I can't...but a pillow rammed half way down you gob might make talking slightly difficult" he quickly picked up the pillow off his bunk but hesitated, it wouldn't hurt to let Rimmer have his say...would it
"Go on" he said grudgingly
"What?" asked Rimmer, stumped
"Say it!"
"Say what?"
"Rimmer, you've just been prattling on for the past 5 minutes about telling me this stupid thing and now you're playing the 'I don't know game', you'll talk in the next 3 seconds, or...your tonsils can say hi to Mr. pillow!"
Rimmer shrugged took a deep breath, "Youbrokemyfriginheartyousmeghead"
Lister pulled a face, "What??"
Rimmer twisted his shirt between his fingers uncomfortably, "Urm.........ohhh...is that a pigeon?" Rimmer pointed to the corner of the room before making a dash for the door, Lister was too quick for him though,
"Tell me what you said you smeg head"
"NO!"
"TELL ME OR I'LL" Lister shook the pillow defensively, bringing whole new meaning to the term 'pillow talk'.
"YOU BROKE MY HEART ALRIGHT!" screamed Rimmer, pushing him away.
A deathly silence blanketed the room; Lister pulled a face, "Rimmer. There's about as much chance of us two getting together as a goat graduating from university."
Rimmer shoulders slumped dejectedly; "oh" turning round, Rimmer headed towards the door to escape his embarrassment and rejection he just reached the door when Lister called out.
"Rimmer."
"Yeah?"
"Did you hear about that goat?"
"What? What goat?"
"The one that graduated from university."
END