A/N This is a conversation between Raven and her emotions as she meditates. Raven's speech is in normal fonts, Raven's emotions are in italics and I've left out naming them, hopefully you can tell which emotion is speaking anyway. I've left out any narration whatsoever, so you, the reader can use your imagination. If it seems scattered, keep in mind we're dealing with a complicated emotion, that and I wrote this between 3:00 and 3:30 last night because of insomnia. Stupid insomnia. Takes place somewhere between Titan Rising and Betrayal. Enjoy!
I had my chance and I blew it completely. I can't help but put the blame on her. Terra. Now the only clichéd phrase that runs through my mind is "Too little, too late". That's what I had to offer: too little, too late. I suppose I should thank her, her arrival had opened my eyes to the truth about my cold little heart. That I am capable of falling in love no matter how foreign love is to me, no matter how much love frightens me no matter how badly I want to deny it and push it away into the deepest, darkest regions of my mind. She opened my eyes to that and now, no matter how hard I try I cannot push away the side effects of love. I should've acted on it. I should've done something the moment I realized I had feelings for Beast Boy before it was too late. Before she came back. Before he became completely smitten with her. The girl I could never be. If I had only told him how I feel...
Ah, yes, one of the biggest crimes when it comes to matters of the heart is to do nothing. But remember, as the saying goes: "It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
Who ever said that deserves a swift kick in the ass. That is bullshit. It really is. I was better off never feeling the hurt and the pain that comes with falling in love. I was better off never falling in love in the first place. I suppose whoever said that never took into consideration the one person in the world who isn't capable of expressing love. I mean what can I do to show him how much I love him without blowing something up? Besides I never did have him. Ever. So how could I have loved and lost? I only loved, that was my loss. Why me? Why now? I should've never fallen for him. Never. And yet I did and there's nothing I can do about it. Not now. Not anymore. Not ever.
That's true. There's nothing that can be done. Saying anything now would only make him hate you. Doing anything now would only hurt him.
There are some things in life where you only get one shot, one chance to get what you want. The same is true when it comes to love I guess, I had my chance and I blew it.You know, I would've done something or said something before Terra came along and stole his heart but I just couldn't. I guess you can blame it on my fear of showing even the slightest amount of transparency and revealing to him, to my friends that yes, I do have feelings.
Oh no! Heaven forbid, Raven, our cold little Raven has feelings? Call the national guard, the world's going to end! Whatever.
But really, what is the harm in revealing myself once in a while? What is the big deal about showing the people I care about the fact that I care about them? What harm is there in showing a little ounce of love once in a while? If I had just let him know that I care about him, more than a friend then maybe, just maybe it could work out between us. I know that once upon a time he felt for me like he feels about her. But no, I had to remain cold and aloof as always.
We all know that if you even tried to show him you love him, you'd risk turning into a time bomb. You can't get emotional. You know that. You're dangerous.
And that's why I should've never fallen in love in the first place.
Oh come on! Show a little optimism Raven! It's not that bad. Love is really a wonderful emotion. There's always still a chance. Be thankful, be glad that he's happy. You've got to pull yourself together! It's going to be OK!
I suppose I should hold on to it. I should cherish it. Beast Boy still cares about me, we are still friends, so what if he no longer loves me back the way I love him. I should be thankful that he's found happiness. I should be glad for him, not jealous of her. And maybe I can get another chance one day...
No. You had your chance. You blew it. Beast Boy is with Terra now. He loves her. Not you. You may as well give up.
Yes, he does love her. Not me. Not anymore. It's no wonder I feel so jealous of Terra. Perhaps it is because of jealousy that I didn't like her, no I despised her at first. Maybe I really had no reason to not trust her except because of my jealousy. Maybe the visions I had about her are wrong although they still bother me, they still linger...
That's because Terra's a traitorous BITCH!!! She stole him from you right from under your nose! She doesn't deserve him! Take him! Take him Raven even if you have to take him by force! Even if it means getting rid of her once and for all! She's a traitor probably just waiting for the right moment to betray us all!
I can't do that. Besides she's not. She can't be. Why would Beast Boy fall for her if that's the case?
Love is blind. Even if the visions you had were true and even if he knew it, Beast Boy would deny it until it slaps him in the face.
Then that would mean he really does love her. I should have just told him how I feel when I had the chance. I should've taken him aside and been there for him at the very least instead of always give him the cold shoulder. If I didn't ruin my chances, if I wasn't forced to show nothing but restraint... you know, I would make any sacrifice necessary to show him how I really feel about him. I would come here and meditate every waking moment that I'm not with him, just so I can be with him. Just so I could safely love him back. But what's the point? He's with her. He's with Terra now. He doesn't love me. Not anymore. I had one chance, one shot and worst of all I had all the time in the world to take it and I missed out. I never did take the shot, I never did take the risk and I never will.
Suppose though you did get another chance. Suppose you could tell him how you feel. What would you do about it? Would you act upon it? Do you honestly think you'd take that chance?
Honestly? Probably not. I'd probably remain as cold and emotionless as ever. Damn. You know, sometimes I hate being me.
A/N Wow, I can really empathize with Raven in this one. (Maybe that was why it was so easy to write...) Anyway, please R&R! It would make me happy!