Chrismukkah Past
December 2002
Ryan watched from the door as his mother's boyfriend stuffed clothes into a worn duffel bag.
"You're leaving?"
Ray stiffened slightly at the desolate young voice, but he didn't stop packing. Jerking a pile of t-shirts out of a drawer, he thrust them angrily into the bag on the rumpled bed.
"Yeah."
"Why?" The boy's question was heartbroken.
"I can't do this anymore."
"She didn't mean it. You know she didn't." Desperate, Ryan crossed the room and put himself between Ray and the green army bag. "She'll be sorry. She always is."
"That's the problem." He shouldered Ryan out of the way and tugged the cords at the top of the duffel, drawing it closed.
"Ray, please don't go." Reaching out, he grabbed the sleeve of Ray's flannel work shirt. "I'll watch her better. I will." His eyes were pleading. "She's only like this when she's drunk. I'll keep her away from the alcohol. I promise, I will." His fingers tightened on the soft fabric. "Please. Just. Don't go."
He looked at Ryan and felt the familiar twinge of pity and revulsion. Pity for this kid who was stuck with a mother who couldn't seem to get her shit together long enough to provide any kind of life for him, and revulsion for the whole ugly mess of a life she'd managed to mire the poor kid in.
Shaking his head, Ray shrugged out of Ryan's grasp. "It's not your job to take care of her, kid. She should be taking care of you."
Ryan trailed after Ray, mind working furiously, trying to figure out a way to make him stay.
"Get out!" Dawn's shriek was punctuated with a crash as a glass shattered against the wall when Ray entered the living room. Ryan recoiled as the liquid splashed over him, and he felt the sting of glass cutting his cheek.
"You crazy bitch!" Ray glanced back at Ryan, who was wiping 7&7 off his face, blood from a couple of scratches mixing with the alcohol and soda. "God!" He strode toward the door.
Ryan ran after him. "Ray!"
"Ryan!" Dawn screamed.
Ignoring her, Ryan slammed the door behind him.
"Ray, wait!" Ryan caught up with him at the street. "Please don't go – please!"
Finally, Ray turned. Putting his bag down, he searched his pockets until he found a scrap of paper and a pen.
He sighed. "A friend got me a job. In Austin. Texas." He scribbled something on the paper. "Here's the number." He held it out, and Ryan took it hesitantly.
"If you're ever there, you can call me."
He picked up his bag and walked off.
xxxx
Ryan slouched on the sofa, lazily flipping through the channels. Trey was next to him, drinking a beer, occasionally telling his brother to stop if something caught his interest. But nothing ever held his attention long, and soon Ryan would resume his clicking.
When the door opened, neither boy moved.
"Get up!" Ryan and Trey both slanted looks at their mother. "Get up!" She said it again. "This place is a sty." The brothers glanced at each other. Whose fault was that?
"Come on. We're having company tomorrow and we need to get this place straightened up!" She was almost giddy, and Ryan felt a sinking sensation in his stomach.
It was Trey who asked the question. "Who's coming?"
"Well," she said coyly, "his name is AJ and I met him a couple of weeks ago. He and his kids don't have plans for Christmas, so I figured they could join us!"
A couple of weeks ago. Ray had barely been gone. Ryan sunk more firmly into the couch and scowled. It explained why she hadn't been home several nights recently, though.
Trey snorted in scorn. "Yeah. They should join us. 'Cuz it's always so festive around here at Christmas."
Dawn's determined cheerfulness left the building. "Shut your mouth, Trey, and get up off your ass."
"Ryan." She was all sharpness and anger now. "Get off that couch and clean up this mess." Her head turned as Trey opened the front door. "Where the hell are you going?"
"Out."
"No, you're not! You're going to stay here and help clean up this house!"
His reply was the slamming of the door.
xxxx
At 4 o'clock the next afternoon, the house was clean, and Ryan was sitting on the couch again. Trey had not come home last night, and Dawn had started drinking soon after noon. She wasn't drunk, just "loose."
"You look so handsome, Ryan." She was smiling, and from behind the couch, reached out a hand to smooth his hair. She'd made him dress up for AJ and his kids, nagging him into an old blue button-down of Ray's. It was too big for him, and slightly frayed at the collar and cuffs, but it brought out the color in his eyes, and Dawn thought he was beautiful. Ryan ducked his head out from under her touch.
"Mooommmm," he complained.
"What?" She bent down and wrapped him in a hug, kissing him on the top of his head. "A mom can't say how beautiful her baby is?"
Ryan squirmed like he was trying to get away, and his mother pulled him closer, raining kisses down on his hair and ears and neck.
"Stop," he whined, but he was smiling, and the knot in his stomach loosened for just a moment as his mother held him.
A sharp knock on the door made Dawn let go of Ryan abruptly. Not looking back, she hurried to the door, smoothing her hair as she reached for the knob. The pain in his midriff returned suddenly, and Ryan scrunched back into the corner of the couch, wary again.
The door opened to reveal a large man and two girls.
"Hey, baby." The man pulled Dawn close and kissed her passionately, his hand reaching down to grab her butt, while he practically stuck his tongue down her throat. Dawn made a soft sound that made Ryan's stomach clutch painfully, and he felt almost physically sick.
Tearing his eyes away from the spectacle of his mother making out with a man who was a stranger to him, he looked at the two little girls still standing in the doorway. They were younger than he – one maybe 12, the other closer to 8. The three children regarded each other uncertainly as the adults goped each other.
Finally, Dawn and AJ broke apart. Dawn giggled unsteadily and straightened her clothes. Bending down so that she was at the level of the girls, she said, "And who are these beautiful young women?" AJ continued to rub his hand up and down Dawn's back as he answered.
"These are my daughters. Sally." He pointed at the older girl. "And Emma." With his head, he indicated the younger girl. The girls looked at Dawn expressionlessly.
"Well, I'm Dawn," she said with syrupy sweetness. "And this is my son. Ryan, stand up! This is my son, Ryan."
Obediently, Ryan got to his feet. He raised a hand slightly in greeting.
"Well." Introductions over, the adults lost interest in the children. Dawn took AJ's hand and led him toward the kitchen. "Let me get you a drink." Without turning her head, Dawn added, "Ryan, you can entertain the girls."
xxxx
Ryan, Sally, and Emma had watched television in complete silence until almost 9. Stomachs rumbling they'd waited for hours, hoping for dinner. The adults had disappeared into Dawn's room with a bottle around 6, and they all knew better than to interrupt whatever was going on.
At nine, with a couple of nervous glances toward the back of the house, Ryan had gone to the kitchen to see what he could find for them to eat. A small turkey sat, uncooked, on the stove. There were some baking potatoes and a can of green beans on the counter. A loaf of white bread was hidden behind the brown bag the groceries had come in. Opening the refrigerator, Ryan considered their options. Sally and Emma waited patiently – silent, watchful.
"I can make scrambled eggs," Ryan offered. "Do you guys like eggs?"
The girls nodded.
Ryan pulled out the eggs that were left – he figured the four in the carton might not be enough of a meal for three of them, so he handed the can of beans and a can opener to Sally.
"Can you open those and put them in a pan? There's one in that cabinet, there," he pointed.
He wondered if either girl would comment on the combination of scrambled eggs and green beans for Christmas dinner, but they were as used as he was to making due with what was available. Emma opened the cabinet and pulled out the saucepan. She handed it to her sister.
They worked in comfortable silence. Ryan scrambling the eggs while Sally watched the beans. Without being asked, Emma set the table. Three places.
When the food was done, they sat down, looking at each other, hesitating briefly before they started.
"We should say a blessing." They were the first words Ryan had heard from Emma. Both girls looked expectantly at Ryan.
Ryan was uncertain. "Uh." Sally nodded her agreement. "OK." Clasping his hands in front of him, he bowed his head. Peeking at the girls through lowered lashes, he saw them follow suit, hands together, heads bent, eyes closed. He had no idea what to say.
"Um. Dear Lord... thank You for this food." He paused. What else?
"You should say thank You for Jesus," Sally prompted him in a whisper. "Since it's Christmas."
"Oh." He cleared his throat. "And thank You for Jesus." He paused again, waiting for additional ideas from the girls. None were forthcoming. "Amen."
"Amen," they agreed softly.
They had finished their food and were cleaning up the dishes when Dawn and AJ emerged.
"You ate?" Ryan winced at the tone of his mother's voice.
"We were hungry." He shot a quick glance at the girls, who had gotten very still.
"And you couldn't wait? We were going to eat as a family!" She was angry and her words were slurred. Ryan tried to sound reasonable.
"Mom, it's 9:30. The turkey wasn't even cooked."
"So?"
Reason clearly wasn't an option. Ryan wasn't sure why he'd thought it would be.
"I wanted us to eat together. Like a family." It was a wail, and Ryan closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Mom. We didn't...."
"'We'?" AJ decided to weigh in. He turned on his daughters. "I told you to keep your mouths shut while you were here!" He growled them. "Were you whining about eating?" The girls backed away from their father. Ryan stepped between them.
"No, they weren't." He said it firmly, though he could feel the fear in his speeded up heartbeat. "I was hungry. I made dinner."
"I wanted us to be a family," Dawn cried and AJ moved toward Ryan.
Ryan flinched, but he didn't yield.
"Mom, I'm sorry. You guys were, uh, busy. I didn't want to disturb you."
"So, you couldn't wait?" AJ was in Ryan's face. Ryan could smell the whiskey on his breath, and the faintest hint of his mother. He stepped back. AJ advanced, grabbing him by the front of his shirt.
"Don't!" Ryan said it reflexively, pushing at AJ's hand without thinking. Over a year with Ray and his "I don't hit kids" philosophy had dimmed the painful lessons Ryan had learned at the hands of more than one of Dawn's previous boyfriends – never fight back.
AJ let go, and raising his hand, slapped Ryan solidly across the face.
"You gonna talk back to me, boy?" Ryan stumbled back, hand going to his cheek, which smarted like it was on fire. There was nowhere to go in the kitchen, though, and he found himself trapped in the corner with AJ bumping chests with him. "You gonna talk back to me?"
Ryan shook his head, avoiding eye contact. AJ bumped him again. "No?" A second slap, and Ryan choked out, "No," still careful not to look him in the eyes. That, he was remembering, was almost always a mistake. Head averted, Ryan could see his mother, weeping over the turkey; the girls huddled in the opposite corner, eyes wide and tear-filled.
AJ snorted. "I didn't think so." Both hands on the boy's chest, AJ pushed off, pressing Ryan against the counter, the edge digging painfully into his back. "Pussy."
"What did you say?"
In the commotion, no one had heard the front door open.
Trey stood, poised on the threshold of the kitchen, eyes alight with rage. "Ryan, get out of there."
Ryan felt relief surge through him at the sight of Trey, and he eased stiffly out of the corner, eyes warily on AJ as he inched past him. He caught Sally's frightened gaze and, shifting his eyes out toward the living room and back again, tried to will her out of the kitchen. Understanding dawning, Sally's eyes widened gratefully. She took Emma by the hand and, pulling her sister behind her, slipped out of the room just ahead of Ryan.
When Ryan was safely behind him, Trey said softly, "Don't you ever touch my brother again."
AJ stiffened, eyes narrowing at the younger man.
"Trey," Dawn seemed suddenly to have become aware of another person in the house. "Where have you been? We were supposed to have dinner as a family!"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Trey rounded on his mother. "This asshole was hitting Ryan!" He was screaming at her. "What is wrong with you?"
AJ barreled out of the kitchen, taking advantage of the distraction. He hit Trey with his shoulder, knocking Trey back and into Ryan. Ryan saw stars as his head connected with the coffee table on his way down. Stunned, Ryan was trapped under the weight of his brother and AJ. The two men pummeled each other rolling first one way over Ryan and then the other, each trying to gain the upper hand. When the fight finally rolled past him, Ryan curled into a ball, dazed and aching.
Ryan wasn't sure how long the fight lasted, but finally, bruised and bloodied, AJ delivered a last kick to Trey's unmoving form, and connected one sharply with Ryan's ribs just for good measure as he went by him. Ultimately, AJ's bulk and experience had triumphed over Trey, and AJ surveyed the wreckage of the Atwood home with a certain amount of satisfaction.
"Get in the car!" He snapped at his daughters. Pale and shaking, Sally and Emma ran for the door.
Dawn had stopped screaming at some point, and now stood, motionless, staring at her sons, crumpled on the carpet. Standing in front of her, AJ took her chin in his hand and kissed her, hard.
"I'll call you."
She nodded in acceptance as AJ walked out the door. Ryan groaned softly, in spite of himself, and his mother dropped to her knees beside him, running her hand over his hair and crooning.
An odd stillness settled over the house, and in the quiet, Ryan could hear his mother start to sob, and the sound of sirens in the distance, getting closer.
xxxx
December 25, 2003
Ryan lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. It was 6 o'clock in the morning, Christmas Day. Wide awake, he wondered what the day would be like. He was fairly certain there would not be cops or crying or black eyes; although, in Newport, he could never be sure.
He turned his head toward the pool house door when he heard it open.
"Ryan?" Seth's voice was an excited whisper. "Are you awake?"
"Seth!" Now Kirsten's own agitated whisper overrode Seth's. "I told you to let Ryan sleep!"
There was a muffled struggle that ended with a yelp from Seth.
"Ow, Mom! My ear! Stop."
"Be quiet!" Ryan could hear the exasperation in Kirsten's command.
"I'm awake."
"Cool! See, Mom, I told you! No one can resist the anticipation of.... "
"Seth, for heaven's sake!" Kirsten pitched her voice over Seth's exultant exclamation. "Ryan, sweetie, are you sure? I'm sorry, I tried...."
Ryan smiled, infected by Seth's enthusiasm. "No, really. I was just lying in bed. Thinking."
She gave him a concerned glance. But he ignored it, throwing back the covers and getting out of bed. He could see Seth, bouncing lightly on his toes behind Kirsten. "Come on, man!" Ryan grinned at Kirsten, wrapping his arms around himself to ward off the slight chill in the air.
"Coming."
As he slipped past Kirsten, she ran a hand softly down his arm. "Merry Christmas, Ryan." He turned, a shy expression on his face, but Seth grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the house. "Come on!" Ryan, nervous and excited and caught up in Seth's urgency, glanced apologetically at Kirsten before dashing after his foster brother. Kirsten laughed as she saw them slip-sliding through the kitchen on stockinged feet. Sandy barely avoided a collision with Seth and then Ryan as he tried to make his way to the coffee pot. He looked at Kirsten in amusement as she followed the boys more sedately into the kitchen.
"Seth, you know the rules." Sandy raised his voice to be heard over the sounds of presents being rustled through in the other room. "Don't you dare open anything until we get in there." He paused for a moment to see if was going to be acknowledged. "Seth! Did you hear me?"
"Yes, we heard you! Jeez!"
"Coffee?" He raised the pot to Kirsten.
"Yes, please," she said holding out her mug.
"Are you coming?" Seth said it impatiently, standing in the doorway.
Kirsten leaned back against the counter and took a sip of her coffee. She raised an eyebrow at her son.
"Is this the way you encourage your parents to join you in the present opening activities?"
Sandy joined Kirsten, putting an arm around her shoulders as he, too, took a leisurely drink of caffeinated goodness. As Seth came into the room, Kirsten could see Ryan just beyond him, watching the silliness with a wistful expression on his face.
"Mom. Dad." Seth's voice took on a wheedling tone. "Please. I'm sorry." He crossed the kitchen and took each one by the arm. He tugged gently and then a little harder. Kirsten looked at Sandy, laughter in her eyes. Sandy nodded and they capitulated, allowing themselves to be drawn into the living room.
"Ryan." Seth was now in command. "You sit there." He pointed to the sofa. "Mom and Dad sit there." Kirsten and Sandy sat next to Ryan, who perched uncertainly on the edge of a cushion. He looked at Sandy.
"What is he doing?"
"Handing out the presents, of course," Seth replied for his father. "Here." He thrust a package into Ryan's hands.
"Mom." Kirsten got a small, brightly wrapped box.
"Dad." Sandy's was round.
"Me!" Seth plopped on the floor in front of the couch.
Ryan was still holding his gift, waiting to see what the others did. Without ceremony, all three Cohens tore into the paper. Ryan watched as each gift was unopened – a new video game for Seth, a set of earrings for Kirsten, and odd sphere shaped caller-ID gadget from Shaper Image for Sandy. They all admired their own and each others' presents and then turned to Ryan.
"What'd you get, man?" Ryan jumped slightly. He'd been so engrossed in watching them, he'd forgotten his own present. He looked down at the brightly colored gift. Blushing slightly, he ripped off the paper.
"A CD holder."
"I know Seth has been expanding your collection and I knocked that whole stack off your desk the other night." Kirsten smiled, hoping that he liked the gift. "I just thought maybe you could use one."
"Thanks. It's great." He set it carefully to the side, and was surprised to have another gift land in his lap.
"Next!" Seth was now just tossing presents at people from the tree. He didn't seem to be paying very close attention, but between them, Sandy and Ryan managed to catch everything he threw their way and put them in the appropriate pile. Kirsten had left the sorting to the boys and wandered back into the kitchen to start heating up breakfast.
Present opening was followed by breakfast, which was followed by playing with the presents, which was followed by lunch, football, naps, more playing, and, ultimately, dinner.
"OK, dude, just so you know. We have a tradition in the Cohen household." It was after the last meal, and the boys had gathered up all of Ryan's loot and taken it into the pool house.
"Another one?" Ryan tipped the stack of clothes he'd been carrying onto the bed.
"Yeah. Another one. Especially for the mom."
Ryan cocked his head to indicate he was listening.
"On Christmas night, Mom gets to pick the movie. There's no arguing, no whining, and everyone watches." Seth heaved a martyred sigh. "She said she never won movie choice arguments, so we gave her this as a present a couple of years ago." He shook his head. "I don't know what we were thinking."
At that moment, Kirsten stuck her head into the room. "Movie time, boys!" she said brightly.
Seth groaned. "What is it this year?"
"Little Women."
Ryan gaped at Kirsten in horror and turned to Seth. She had to be kidding. Surely this was just a horrible, horrible joke.
Seth shook his head in resignation. "Dude. Just be glad you missed Anne of Green Gables year."
xxxx
Ryan stuck a hand in the popcorn bowl, and stuffed as much of the handful as he could into his mouth. He was sitting on the floor with Seth, Sandy and Kirsten tucked up together on the couch. He'd never admit it to anyone, but he was enjoying the movie. He and Seth laughed in spite of themselves more than once, and when Beth died, Kirsten wasn't the only one sniffling.
Ryan stretched out on the rug, resting his head on his crossed arms as he listened drowsily to the movie play on in the background. He was vaguely aware of Seth sliding down to the floor beside him, then voices on the television fading as the closing credits began to run.
Sandy turned off the DVD player and television. He and Kirsten sat quietly for a moment, listening to the sound of Ryan and Seth breathe. The boys hadn't stirred when the power went off. Kirsten got up and gently draped a throw blanket over each sleeping form. Sandy picked up the popcorn bowl, stepping gingerly over the two sprawled kids. He handed the bowl to Kirsten and stooped down to pick up the dirty glasses.
Sandy and Kirsten put dishes in the dish washer, and generally straightened up after a day of celebration. It was almost 11 when Sandy woke the boys.
"Hey, kiddos." Couching down between the boys, Sandy put a gentle hand on each back. "Bedtime."
Seth raised his head and looked blearily around. "What happened?" Sandy smiled.
"What happened when?"
"In the movie." Seth looked at his dad in sleepy confusion. "Did Jo end up with Frederick?" He looked back at the blank television screen.
Sandy smoothed a hand over Seth's tousled curls. "Yes, she did."
Seth nodded in approval. "'kay." He climbed unsteadily to his feet. He staggered over to the kitchen.
Ryan was getting up, too. Sandy steadied him with a hand when the boy almost overbalanced. Patting him on the shoulder, Sandy joined Kirsten by the island counter.
Ryan picked up the throw and started to fold it. He glanced over at the Cohens and watched Seth kiss and hug his parents good night. Kirsten and Sandy returned the embraces, Sandy kissing him with a loud smack on the cheek. Seth pushed away from his father. "Cut it out." He made his way to the stairs. "Night."
Ryan waved a farewell.
Sandy watched his son head out of the room. "I love it when he's sleepy." Sandy grinned over at Kirsten. "He's so cuddly!"
Ryan finished folding the blanket. He walked out to the kitchen.
Sandy raised his eyebrows at him. "So, what did you think of a Cohen Christmas?"
"It was good." He smiled shyly. "New memories."
Kirsten reached out, and put a hand on his arm. "I'm so glad."
Ryan hesitated for just a beat and then stepped forward, putting hesitant arms around her. "Thank you." He held her gently for a moment, and was about to step away, when Kirsten's arms came tightly around him.
"You're welcome, sweetie. Merry Christmas." Ryan relaxed briefly into her embrace and then pulled back. "Night."
He turned toward Sandy, self-conscious and unsure how to proceed. But Sandy was prepared, and he stepped forward, not giving Ryan a chance to change his mind. Ryan met Sandy's eyes and walked straight into Sandy's embrace. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Happy Chrismukkah, kid."
Sandy gave Ryan the same smacking kiss he'd given Seth. Ryan laughed and pulled away. "Don't."
Sandy gave him a push toward the door. "Go to bed."
"'kay." He gave them a wave. "Night."
Kirsten watched Ryan disappear into the pool house. Burying her head in Sandy's chest, she pulled him close. Sandy wrapped his arms tightly around her, pressing his face into her hair.
"We did it."
"A Christmas without an ass-kicking or a drunken mom?" Sandy asked. "Yes, we did."
She smiled into his collar bone.
"Let's make it a tradition."
"Done."
December 2002
Ryan watched from the door as his mother's boyfriend stuffed clothes into a worn duffel bag.
"You're leaving?"
Ray stiffened slightly at the desolate young voice, but he didn't stop packing. Jerking a pile of t-shirts out of a drawer, he thrust them angrily into the bag on the rumpled bed.
"Yeah."
"Why?" The boy's question was heartbroken.
"I can't do this anymore."
"She didn't mean it. You know she didn't." Desperate, Ryan crossed the room and put himself between Ray and the green army bag. "She'll be sorry. She always is."
"That's the problem." He shouldered Ryan out of the way and tugged the cords at the top of the duffel, drawing it closed.
"Ray, please don't go." Reaching out, he grabbed the sleeve of Ray's flannel work shirt. "I'll watch her better. I will." His eyes were pleading. "She's only like this when she's drunk. I'll keep her away from the alcohol. I promise, I will." His fingers tightened on the soft fabric. "Please. Just. Don't go."
He looked at Ryan and felt the familiar twinge of pity and revulsion. Pity for this kid who was stuck with a mother who couldn't seem to get her shit together long enough to provide any kind of life for him, and revulsion for the whole ugly mess of a life she'd managed to mire the poor kid in.
Shaking his head, Ray shrugged out of Ryan's grasp. "It's not your job to take care of her, kid. She should be taking care of you."
Ryan trailed after Ray, mind working furiously, trying to figure out a way to make him stay.
"Get out!" Dawn's shriek was punctuated with a crash as a glass shattered against the wall when Ray entered the living room. Ryan recoiled as the liquid splashed over him, and he felt the sting of glass cutting his cheek.
"You crazy bitch!" Ray glanced back at Ryan, who was wiping 7&7 off his face, blood from a couple of scratches mixing with the alcohol and soda. "God!" He strode toward the door.
Ryan ran after him. "Ray!"
"Ryan!" Dawn screamed.
Ignoring her, Ryan slammed the door behind him.
"Ray, wait!" Ryan caught up with him at the street. "Please don't go – please!"
Finally, Ray turned. Putting his bag down, he searched his pockets until he found a scrap of paper and a pen.
He sighed. "A friend got me a job. In Austin. Texas." He scribbled something on the paper. "Here's the number." He held it out, and Ryan took it hesitantly.
"If you're ever there, you can call me."
He picked up his bag and walked off.
xxxx
Ryan slouched on the sofa, lazily flipping through the channels. Trey was next to him, drinking a beer, occasionally telling his brother to stop if something caught his interest. But nothing ever held his attention long, and soon Ryan would resume his clicking.
When the door opened, neither boy moved.
"Get up!" Ryan and Trey both slanted looks at their mother. "Get up!" She said it again. "This place is a sty." The brothers glanced at each other. Whose fault was that?
"Come on. We're having company tomorrow and we need to get this place straightened up!" She was almost giddy, and Ryan felt a sinking sensation in his stomach.
It was Trey who asked the question. "Who's coming?"
"Well," she said coyly, "his name is AJ and I met him a couple of weeks ago. He and his kids don't have plans for Christmas, so I figured they could join us!"
A couple of weeks ago. Ray had barely been gone. Ryan sunk more firmly into the couch and scowled. It explained why she hadn't been home several nights recently, though.
Trey snorted in scorn. "Yeah. They should join us. 'Cuz it's always so festive around here at Christmas."
Dawn's determined cheerfulness left the building. "Shut your mouth, Trey, and get up off your ass."
"Ryan." She was all sharpness and anger now. "Get off that couch and clean up this mess." Her head turned as Trey opened the front door. "Where the hell are you going?"
"Out."
"No, you're not! You're going to stay here and help clean up this house!"
His reply was the slamming of the door.
xxxx
At 4 o'clock the next afternoon, the house was clean, and Ryan was sitting on the couch again. Trey had not come home last night, and Dawn had started drinking soon after noon. She wasn't drunk, just "loose."
"You look so handsome, Ryan." She was smiling, and from behind the couch, reached out a hand to smooth his hair. She'd made him dress up for AJ and his kids, nagging him into an old blue button-down of Ray's. It was too big for him, and slightly frayed at the collar and cuffs, but it brought out the color in his eyes, and Dawn thought he was beautiful. Ryan ducked his head out from under her touch.
"Mooommmm," he complained.
"What?" She bent down and wrapped him in a hug, kissing him on the top of his head. "A mom can't say how beautiful her baby is?"
Ryan squirmed like he was trying to get away, and his mother pulled him closer, raining kisses down on his hair and ears and neck.
"Stop," he whined, but he was smiling, and the knot in his stomach loosened for just a moment as his mother held him.
A sharp knock on the door made Dawn let go of Ryan abruptly. Not looking back, she hurried to the door, smoothing her hair as she reached for the knob. The pain in his midriff returned suddenly, and Ryan scrunched back into the corner of the couch, wary again.
The door opened to reveal a large man and two girls.
"Hey, baby." The man pulled Dawn close and kissed her passionately, his hand reaching down to grab her butt, while he practically stuck his tongue down her throat. Dawn made a soft sound that made Ryan's stomach clutch painfully, and he felt almost physically sick.
Tearing his eyes away from the spectacle of his mother making out with a man who was a stranger to him, he looked at the two little girls still standing in the doorway. They were younger than he – one maybe 12, the other closer to 8. The three children regarded each other uncertainly as the adults goped each other.
Finally, Dawn and AJ broke apart. Dawn giggled unsteadily and straightened her clothes. Bending down so that she was at the level of the girls, she said, "And who are these beautiful young women?" AJ continued to rub his hand up and down Dawn's back as he answered.
"These are my daughters. Sally." He pointed at the older girl. "And Emma." With his head, he indicated the younger girl. The girls looked at Dawn expressionlessly.
"Well, I'm Dawn," she said with syrupy sweetness. "And this is my son. Ryan, stand up! This is my son, Ryan."
Obediently, Ryan got to his feet. He raised a hand slightly in greeting.
"Well." Introductions over, the adults lost interest in the children. Dawn took AJ's hand and led him toward the kitchen. "Let me get you a drink." Without turning her head, Dawn added, "Ryan, you can entertain the girls."
xxxx
Ryan, Sally, and Emma had watched television in complete silence until almost 9. Stomachs rumbling they'd waited for hours, hoping for dinner. The adults had disappeared into Dawn's room with a bottle around 6, and they all knew better than to interrupt whatever was going on.
At nine, with a couple of nervous glances toward the back of the house, Ryan had gone to the kitchen to see what he could find for them to eat. A small turkey sat, uncooked, on the stove. There were some baking potatoes and a can of green beans on the counter. A loaf of white bread was hidden behind the brown bag the groceries had come in. Opening the refrigerator, Ryan considered their options. Sally and Emma waited patiently – silent, watchful.
"I can make scrambled eggs," Ryan offered. "Do you guys like eggs?"
The girls nodded.
Ryan pulled out the eggs that were left – he figured the four in the carton might not be enough of a meal for three of them, so he handed the can of beans and a can opener to Sally.
"Can you open those and put them in a pan? There's one in that cabinet, there," he pointed.
He wondered if either girl would comment on the combination of scrambled eggs and green beans for Christmas dinner, but they were as used as he was to making due with what was available. Emma opened the cabinet and pulled out the saucepan. She handed it to her sister.
They worked in comfortable silence. Ryan scrambling the eggs while Sally watched the beans. Without being asked, Emma set the table. Three places.
When the food was done, they sat down, looking at each other, hesitating briefly before they started.
"We should say a blessing." They were the first words Ryan had heard from Emma. Both girls looked expectantly at Ryan.
Ryan was uncertain. "Uh." Sally nodded her agreement. "OK." Clasping his hands in front of him, he bowed his head. Peeking at the girls through lowered lashes, he saw them follow suit, hands together, heads bent, eyes closed. He had no idea what to say.
"Um. Dear Lord... thank You for this food." He paused. What else?
"You should say thank You for Jesus," Sally prompted him in a whisper. "Since it's Christmas."
"Oh." He cleared his throat. "And thank You for Jesus." He paused again, waiting for additional ideas from the girls. None were forthcoming. "Amen."
"Amen," they agreed softly.
They had finished their food and were cleaning up the dishes when Dawn and AJ emerged.
"You ate?" Ryan winced at the tone of his mother's voice.
"We were hungry." He shot a quick glance at the girls, who had gotten very still.
"And you couldn't wait? We were going to eat as a family!" She was angry and her words were slurred. Ryan tried to sound reasonable.
"Mom, it's 9:30. The turkey wasn't even cooked."
"So?"
Reason clearly wasn't an option. Ryan wasn't sure why he'd thought it would be.
"I wanted us to eat together. Like a family." It was a wail, and Ryan closed his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Mom. We didn't...."
"'We'?" AJ decided to weigh in. He turned on his daughters. "I told you to keep your mouths shut while you were here!" He growled them. "Were you whining about eating?" The girls backed away from their father. Ryan stepped between them.
"No, they weren't." He said it firmly, though he could feel the fear in his speeded up heartbeat. "I was hungry. I made dinner."
"I wanted us to be a family," Dawn cried and AJ moved toward Ryan.
Ryan flinched, but he didn't yield.
"Mom, I'm sorry. You guys were, uh, busy. I didn't want to disturb you."
"So, you couldn't wait?" AJ was in Ryan's face. Ryan could smell the whiskey on his breath, and the faintest hint of his mother. He stepped back. AJ advanced, grabbing him by the front of his shirt.
"Don't!" Ryan said it reflexively, pushing at AJ's hand without thinking. Over a year with Ray and his "I don't hit kids" philosophy had dimmed the painful lessons Ryan had learned at the hands of more than one of Dawn's previous boyfriends – never fight back.
AJ let go, and raising his hand, slapped Ryan solidly across the face.
"You gonna talk back to me, boy?" Ryan stumbled back, hand going to his cheek, which smarted like it was on fire. There was nowhere to go in the kitchen, though, and he found himself trapped in the corner with AJ bumping chests with him. "You gonna talk back to me?"
Ryan shook his head, avoiding eye contact. AJ bumped him again. "No?" A second slap, and Ryan choked out, "No," still careful not to look him in the eyes. That, he was remembering, was almost always a mistake. Head averted, Ryan could see his mother, weeping over the turkey; the girls huddled in the opposite corner, eyes wide and tear-filled.
AJ snorted. "I didn't think so." Both hands on the boy's chest, AJ pushed off, pressing Ryan against the counter, the edge digging painfully into his back. "Pussy."
"What did you say?"
In the commotion, no one had heard the front door open.
Trey stood, poised on the threshold of the kitchen, eyes alight with rage. "Ryan, get out of there."
Ryan felt relief surge through him at the sight of Trey, and he eased stiffly out of the corner, eyes warily on AJ as he inched past him. He caught Sally's frightened gaze and, shifting his eyes out toward the living room and back again, tried to will her out of the kitchen. Understanding dawning, Sally's eyes widened gratefully. She took Emma by the hand and, pulling her sister behind her, slipped out of the room just ahead of Ryan.
When Ryan was safely behind him, Trey said softly, "Don't you ever touch my brother again."
AJ stiffened, eyes narrowing at the younger man.
"Trey," Dawn seemed suddenly to have become aware of another person in the house. "Where have you been? We were supposed to have dinner as a family!"
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Trey rounded on his mother. "This asshole was hitting Ryan!" He was screaming at her. "What is wrong with you?"
AJ barreled out of the kitchen, taking advantage of the distraction. He hit Trey with his shoulder, knocking Trey back and into Ryan. Ryan saw stars as his head connected with the coffee table on his way down. Stunned, Ryan was trapped under the weight of his brother and AJ. The two men pummeled each other rolling first one way over Ryan and then the other, each trying to gain the upper hand. When the fight finally rolled past him, Ryan curled into a ball, dazed and aching.
Ryan wasn't sure how long the fight lasted, but finally, bruised and bloodied, AJ delivered a last kick to Trey's unmoving form, and connected one sharply with Ryan's ribs just for good measure as he went by him. Ultimately, AJ's bulk and experience had triumphed over Trey, and AJ surveyed the wreckage of the Atwood home with a certain amount of satisfaction.
"Get in the car!" He snapped at his daughters. Pale and shaking, Sally and Emma ran for the door.
Dawn had stopped screaming at some point, and now stood, motionless, staring at her sons, crumpled on the carpet. Standing in front of her, AJ took her chin in his hand and kissed her, hard.
"I'll call you."
She nodded in acceptance as AJ walked out the door. Ryan groaned softly, in spite of himself, and his mother dropped to her knees beside him, running her hand over his hair and crooning.
An odd stillness settled over the house, and in the quiet, Ryan could hear his mother start to sob, and the sound of sirens in the distance, getting closer.
xxxx
December 25, 2003
Ryan lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. It was 6 o'clock in the morning, Christmas Day. Wide awake, he wondered what the day would be like. He was fairly certain there would not be cops or crying or black eyes; although, in Newport, he could never be sure.
He turned his head toward the pool house door when he heard it open.
"Ryan?" Seth's voice was an excited whisper. "Are you awake?"
"Seth!" Now Kirsten's own agitated whisper overrode Seth's. "I told you to let Ryan sleep!"
There was a muffled struggle that ended with a yelp from Seth.
"Ow, Mom! My ear! Stop."
"Be quiet!" Ryan could hear the exasperation in Kirsten's command.
"I'm awake."
"Cool! See, Mom, I told you! No one can resist the anticipation of.... "
"Seth, for heaven's sake!" Kirsten pitched her voice over Seth's exultant exclamation. "Ryan, sweetie, are you sure? I'm sorry, I tried...."
Ryan smiled, infected by Seth's enthusiasm. "No, really. I was just lying in bed. Thinking."
She gave him a concerned glance. But he ignored it, throwing back the covers and getting out of bed. He could see Seth, bouncing lightly on his toes behind Kirsten. "Come on, man!" Ryan grinned at Kirsten, wrapping his arms around himself to ward off the slight chill in the air.
"Coming."
As he slipped past Kirsten, she ran a hand softly down his arm. "Merry Christmas, Ryan." He turned, a shy expression on his face, but Seth grabbed his arm and pulled him toward the house. "Come on!" Ryan, nervous and excited and caught up in Seth's urgency, glanced apologetically at Kirsten before dashing after his foster brother. Kirsten laughed as she saw them slip-sliding through the kitchen on stockinged feet. Sandy barely avoided a collision with Seth and then Ryan as he tried to make his way to the coffee pot. He looked at Kirsten in amusement as she followed the boys more sedately into the kitchen.
"Seth, you know the rules." Sandy raised his voice to be heard over the sounds of presents being rustled through in the other room. "Don't you dare open anything until we get in there." He paused for a moment to see if was going to be acknowledged. "Seth! Did you hear me?"
"Yes, we heard you! Jeez!"
"Coffee?" He raised the pot to Kirsten.
"Yes, please," she said holding out her mug.
"Are you coming?" Seth said it impatiently, standing in the doorway.
Kirsten leaned back against the counter and took a sip of her coffee. She raised an eyebrow at her son.
"Is this the way you encourage your parents to join you in the present opening activities?"
Sandy joined Kirsten, putting an arm around her shoulders as he, too, took a leisurely drink of caffeinated goodness. As Seth came into the room, Kirsten could see Ryan just beyond him, watching the silliness with a wistful expression on his face.
"Mom. Dad." Seth's voice took on a wheedling tone. "Please. I'm sorry." He crossed the kitchen and took each one by the arm. He tugged gently and then a little harder. Kirsten looked at Sandy, laughter in her eyes. Sandy nodded and they capitulated, allowing themselves to be drawn into the living room.
"Ryan." Seth was now in command. "You sit there." He pointed to the sofa. "Mom and Dad sit there." Kirsten and Sandy sat next to Ryan, who perched uncertainly on the edge of a cushion. He looked at Sandy.
"What is he doing?"
"Handing out the presents, of course," Seth replied for his father. "Here." He thrust a package into Ryan's hands.
"Mom." Kirsten got a small, brightly wrapped box.
"Dad." Sandy's was round.
"Me!" Seth plopped on the floor in front of the couch.
Ryan was still holding his gift, waiting to see what the others did. Without ceremony, all three Cohens tore into the paper. Ryan watched as each gift was unopened – a new video game for Seth, a set of earrings for Kirsten, and odd sphere shaped caller-ID gadget from Shaper Image for Sandy. They all admired their own and each others' presents and then turned to Ryan.
"What'd you get, man?" Ryan jumped slightly. He'd been so engrossed in watching them, he'd forgotten his own present. He looked down at the brightly colored gift. Blushing slightly, he ripped off the paper.
"A CD holder."
"I know Seth has been expanding your collection and I knocked that whole stack off your desk the other night." Kirsten smiled, hoping that he liked the gift. "I just thought maybe you could use one."
"Thanks. It's great." He set it carefully to the side, and was surprised to have another gift land in his lap.
"Next!" Seth was now just tossing presents at people from the tree. He didn't seem to be paying very close attention, but between them, Sandy and Ryan managed to catch everything he threw their way and put them in the appropriate pile. Kirsten had left the sorting to the boys and wandered back into the kitchen to start heating up breakfast.
Present opening was followed by breakfast, which was followed by playing with the presents, which was followed by lunch, football, naps, more playing, and, ultimately, dinner.
"OK, dude, just so you know. We have a tradition in the Cohen household." It was after the last meal, and the boys had gathered up all of Ryan's loot and taken it into the pool house.
"Another one?" Ryan tipped the stack of clothes he'd been carrying onto the bed.
"Yeah. Another one. Especially for the mom."
Ryan cocked his head to indicate he was listening.
"On Christmas night, Mom gets to pick the movie. There's no arguing, no whining, and everyone watches." Seth heaved a martyred sigh. "She said she never won movie choice arguments, so we gave her this as a present a couple of years ago." He shook his head. "I don't know what we were thinking."
At that moment, Kirsten stuck her head into the room. "Movie time, boys!" she said brightly.
Seth groaned. "What is it this year?"
"Little Women."
Ryan gaped at Kirsten in horror and turned to Seth. She had to be kidding. Surely this was just a horrible, horrible joke.
Seth shook his head in resignation. "Dude. Just be glad you missed Anne of Green Gables year."
xxxx
Ryan stuck a hand in the popcorn bowl, and stuffed as much of the handful as he could into his mouth. He was sitting on the floor with Seth, Sandy and Kirsten tucked up together on the couch. He'd never admit it to anyone, but he was enjoying the movie. He and Seth laughed in spite of themselves more than once, and when Beth died, Kirsten wasn't the only one sniffling.
Ryan stretched out on the rug, resting his head on his crossed arms as he listened drowsily to the movie play on in the background. He was vaguely aware of Seth sliding down to the floor beside him, then voices on the television fading as the closing credits began to run.
Sandy turned off the DVD player and television. He and Kirsten sat quietly for a moment, listening to the sound of Ryan and Seth breathe. The boys hadn't stirred when the power went off. Kirsten got up and gently draped a throw blanket over each sleeping form. Sandy picked up the popcorn bowl, stepping gingerly over the two sprawled kids. He handed the bowl to Kirsten and stooped down to pick up the dirty glasses.
Sandy and Kirsten put dishes in the dish washer, and generally straightened up after a day of celebration. It was almost 11 when Sandy woke the boys.
"Hey, kiddos." Couching down between the boys, Sandy put a gentle hand on each back. "Bedtime."
Seth raised his head and looked blearily around. "What happened?" Sandy smiled.
"What happened when?"
"In the movie." Seth looked at his dad in sleepy confusion. "Did Jo end up with Frederick?" He looked back at the blank television screen.
Sandy smoothed a hand over Seth's tousled curls. "Yes, she did."
Seth nodded in approval. "'kay." He climbed unsteadily to his feet. He staggered over to the kitchen.
Ryan was getting up, too. Sandy steadied him with a hand when the boy almost overbalanced. Patting him on the shoulder, Sandy joined Kirsten by the island counter.
Ryan picked up the throw and started to fold it. He glanced over at the Cohens and watched Seth kiss and hug his parents good night. Kirsten and Sandy returned the embraces, Sandy kissing him with a loud smack on the cheek. Seth pushed away from his father. "Cut it out." He made his way to the stairs. "Night."
Ryan waved a farewell.
Sandy watched his son head out of the room. "I love it when he's sleepy." Sandy grinned over at Kirsten. "He's so cuddly!"
Ryan finished folding the blanket. He walked out to the kitchen.
Sandy raised his eyebrows at him. "So, what did you think of a Cohen Christmas?"
"It was good." He smiled shyly. "New memories."
Kirsten reached out, and put a hand on his arm. "I'm so glad."
Ryan hesitated for just a beat and then stepped forward, putting hesitant arms around her. "Thank you." He held her gently for a moment, and was about to step away, when Kirsten's arms came tightly around him.
"You're welcome, sweetie. Merry Christmas." Ryan relaxed briefly into her embrace and then pulled back. "Night."
He turned toward Sandy, self-conscious and unsure how to proceed. But Sandy was prepared, and he stepped forward, not giving Ryan a chance to change his mind. Ryan met Sandy's eyes and walked straight into Sandy's embrace. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Happy Chrismukkah, kid."
Sandy gave Ryan the same smacking kiss he'd given Seth. Ryan laughed and pulled away. "Don't."
Sandy gave him a push toward the door. "Go to bed."
"'kay." He gave them a wave. "Night."
Kirsten watched Ryan disappear into the pool house. Burying her head in Sandy's chest, she pulled him close. Sandy wrapped his arms tightly around her, pressing his face into her hair.
"We did it."
"A Christmas without an ass-kicking or a drunken mom?" Sandy asked. "Yes, we did."
She smiled into his collar bone.
"Let's make it a tradition."
"Done."